[dazzling]

I see other people who love their mothers and I tried hard to have a relationship with my mother but I just don't know why treats me like this.

I am sad that I don't have the kind of mother most people have.

When I was a baby she left me with my grandparents. When I was a teen, she told me I was ugly and used get my father to hit me. There was a lot of physical fighting in my family.

As an adult, she told one of my-boyfriends I smelled bad. On my wedding day she told me my marriage would not last. Every time I see her she either tries to rob my self-confidence or tries to sabotage me.

I don't want to totally cut my mother off from my life but don't know what to do with her?
I also spend an obessive amount of time trying to figure out why a mother should treat her child this way?

[neverme]

Dazzling, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. No one should ever treat another human like this especially not a mother! I think you already know that this relationship has to end. I'd recommend going to see a therapist as well if your able for it.

[TrueFaith]

I'm sorry you have to have that.

But Cut this person out of your life..
I mean. Why would you want something like that around you?
Even if it is your mom.

Trust me I come from a very bad family

The second I could cut them off. I did.

You don't have to love your mom.
If she gives you no reason to.

I do not believe you should love thy bloody mother and all that crap.
Because if they act like that! They should get nothing back from you!
The reason why she is treating you like this.

She is an awful person. With all due respect. Probable upset that she couldn't go to school because she had you. And blaming all her own failings on you. Pathetic

And people that act like that be it friends Family Girlfriends boyfriends Whoever! Should be treated with the contemped they deserve!


Your life will be better off with out that in your life trust me on this one

All the best

[talaniman]

I would cut contact with this person, to a very bare minimum.

Sorry you had to suffer through this.

[starbuck8]

I agree with the above advice. My sense is that she is jealous of your life. You probably have the life that she wanted, and she resents YOU for taking that away from her, although it wasn't your fault!

I might try one time to suggest she get into counselling with you, for the sake of your relationship. If she refuses, then cut your losses, move on, and find a mentor. Someone who you see as a mother figure, and you can share things with, like you wish you could with your mother.

Don't let her have control over how you see yourself. This is NOT your fault. Don't try and think of reasons how it could be. Don't try and go over things in your mind like... 'well if I had behaved better when I was little', or... 'I must be an awful person, because even my own mother said I was'. Don't do that to yourself! Even if you were a brat when you were younger, and got into trouble, or broke the rules etc. That is still no reason to be treated the way you were. That guilt is on your mothers shoulders. Don't carry that load for her.

I can tell that you are trying to figure out why this is your fault. It is NOT your fault! There is nothing that you did! Don't waste your energy trying to figure this out. It will only consume you, and make you feel bad about yourself. Don't let that cycle of guilt and shame shape the rest of your life. Some mothers just aren't emotionally or intellectually capable of being that loving, caring mother. It could be how she was raised, or other things that happened when she was young, that made her be so cold towards you. Don't let that lead you in the same direction. You can't make her change, and you will probably never figure out why she acts the way she does, but you can promise yourself that you will not be like her. Lean on your husbands shoulder, and let him give you all of the love that you missed out on. Don't dwell on what has happened in the past, look forward being the best wife and mother you can be!

You are your own person, and you are not your mother. When you have children of your own, love them up, hug them up, kiss them up! Tell them how special they are, and at the same time, tell yourself how special you are! Give them what your Mom didn't give you! Unconditional LOVE!

[Stringer]

I agree with the posters above, you don't need this in your life. I realize that she has always treated you like this and it won't be easy. A child has every right to be loved and treated with respect and when you are not you feel confused and even have a sense of guilt. Sometimes feeling that it was something that you did. Well, you are not responsible for this, you have done nothing to deserve this treatment, then or now.

My childhood was a little different but just as painful. Dad left when I was five and my mother remarried when I was seven. I suddenly had a step father that did his best to copy all the horror stories that you may have heard about stepfathers. He hated me and told me so and showed me every opportunity he had but of course only when no one else was around. I was, like you confused and felt very much alone. I always felt like I was paying a "price" for something that I never remembered doing. And I wanted to "keep the peace" something that in retrospect was wrong. I was fortunate however in that I had a loving and nurturing mother, she got me through those many years.

I told you this story with pain in my heart for you. But I can tell you Dazzling that your life now does not require that you continue this relationship. Stop looking to her for approval, it is not necessary anymore, you tried and she failed, not you.

Stop looking to her for any emotional satisfaction I don't believe that she is capable of giving it, quite honestly she may be jealous of you... have you ever considered this? What has happened to you is not your fault (period) You did nothing wrong, it is her problem, move forward dear, now.

No one can make you happy, no one! You are responsible for your own happiness. People in your life that do love you can make you "happier" but you must have the ability to make yourself a happy person. Doesn't it make sense that in this short lifetime that we are given that we would want as many positive/happy people in our "inner circle?" People that ADD to our lives not subtract...

You know, someone once told me that if I indeed have enough good friends to count on one hand---then I am very fortunate. Friends that would give you the shirt off their back when you were cold. Now that is something, something that we should all strive for and be grateful for. How do you do this? Well a way to start is to to like yourself, be happy with your life and open yourself up to being a good friend first to others. Close the emotional door on this matter and get on with your life, it is waiting for you.

You have to realize that YOU are a valuable asset to yourself and others and you do not have to wallow in this damaged relationship. Be positive, be happy, be a value to yourself and others and your life will benefit in so many ways.

I am sorry that I rambled on so, but I relate closely to your situation. And I got past the pain and realized long ago that you choose your own path. I chose not to let it make my life miserable.

Good luck to you, find those who love you and nourish that love and friendship.

Stringer

[Stringer]

Starby, I have to "spread the joy" can't give you a greenie, but I wanted to say that your advice was right on and from the heart...

Stringer

[dazzling]

What do you guys think of someone who can't have a relationship with the most primal person in their life?

I feel people immediately judge me if they knew I did not have a relationship with her..

I agree with both Stringer & starbuck8, (and I am alredy in therapy on my own) even my husband sometimes judges me because I can't deal with my mother..

I feel like in our society people look ar U crazy when you say U hate your mother... :mad:

[skydive4life]

Personally I think that you don't need someone in your life that treats you that way. But I can understand you not wanting to push her out completely... I would talk to her about it ask her why she acts like that