[Myth]

I have a friend back home that called me earlier today and I thought I might ask her question here since I know what wonderful feedback I can get.

Ok so here's her situation, She has recently been having a "gut feeling" that something isn't right in her relationship with her hubby. They have been together for a couple of years and in the last few weeks she has been feeling like he's hiding things from her. She has had nothing to go on but suspicions and her gut *personally I trust my gut*. She recently got into his email and looked through it and discovered that a woman that he used to talk to, that he sapposedly doesn't like has sent her a picture of her genitallia. While she can't fault him for the sending, she does hold it against him for keeping the picture. The caption she told me read "for your safe keeping". I guess my question is does this constitue cheating? Should she confront him about it, cause she hasn't yet and it's really tearing her up. And what advice could you give me on how to advise her. I am kind of at a lose here cause this really doesn't sound like him to begin with. She doesn't want to break it off with him as she truly feels deeply for him. Right now she has the ability to kind of spy on him and I know it sounds dihonest but I'm not sure if one pic is much to go on in this situation of hers. I know that if this happened to me I would be as confused as she sounds when she talks about it to me. I honestly don't know what to tell her. So far I have only been the shoulder to cry on but I know the next time we have a chance in private to talk she's going to ask my advice. Anything to tell her would be something that I don't have now and would be very much appreaciated. I know this is kind of long so thanks for your patience in reading this.

[shunned]

I think checking his email is wrong. And no, I don't think looking at pictures of others constitutes "cheating".

[Myth]

While I agree that it was wrong to invade his privacy like that and totally agree. I need to add that they too met over the net and while I don't think she would have a problem if it was say a porn stars pic she does have a problem with him lying about his feelings towards this individual person. I do feel like she's borrowing trouble by doing this, but how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. She has also given him full access to all of her emails and believes that honesty is the best policy... I don't think that he's being totally honest with her and while it would make me wonder her actions don't really let her deal with the situation in a very mature manner. I don't think that I can dissuade her from spying on him in order to either confirm or deny suspicions either way and honestly if it were me I would need more proof that my gut was wrong before I jumped to conclusions. I know my man would have a fit if he found another guys penis pic in my email and I would definitely have some issues if I were in her shoes... This whole thing is a mess in and of itself.

[Wildcat21]

Everyone knows what I say about a woman's gut feelings!! I'd say they are right 98% of the time. Women have this radar when they know something isn't right.WOman's sense are way better than men's.

Personally, in a marriage - I feel you DON'T HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOUR SPOUSE OR YOUR ASKING FOR MASSIVE TROUBLE - WHICH WILL LEAD TO LOSS OF TRUST... AND LOSS OF RESPECT.

I say in a marriage she ahs a right to look at his e-mail. Now IF they were dating - no. But in a marriage you have taken a commitment and a bound.

She had every right to snoop.

GETTING THAT E-MAIL WAS WRONG AND HIM SAVING IT MAKES IT JUST AS WRONG.

[Myth]

I think that Wildcats answer also applies to a committed relationship where the couple has children and live together. Such as my case. I will be getting married next year and the trust needs to start somewhere. That and we've been together for over a year and are expecting twins soon... I believe that falls into the context of "married" we just haven't had the ceremony yet...

[letmetellu]

I would hate to see a marriage end on no more information than she has, and especially an e-mail or a picture that comes over the internet. I have a feeling that there is a possibility that sho ever he is talking to might even be a male and is just a nit that likes to send stuff to males while acting as a female. I think most of you know that anything can happen on here that might look suspicious. And is surely not enough to ruin a marriage.

[Myth]

She has actually talked to the woman on the phone and knows that it's not a guy... sorry should have added that. I asked the same question when I talked to her... I asked her if she was over reacting and if that was enough proof that her hubby was cheating... she said no. She also told me that he asked to be left alone at the comp as he was "talking" to friends one of which was her. I guess she's just going to have to "spy" on his internet activities more to find the truth. I don't like it anymore than anyone else but I would have to do the same thing in her position I think. I would expect him to do the same

[letmetellu]

There must be more to this than she has told you. I am a little confused about who sent who pictures and of what. And you said she was not mad about the pictures but is pissed because he didn't tell her about it. Even that is not something to be so upset about. Unless she had some things building up before that. If you learn more keep us informed...

[Krs]

I have a friend back home that called me earlier today and I thought I might ask her question here since I know what wonderful feedback I can get.

Ok so here's her situation, She has recently been having a "gut feeling" that something isn't right in her relationship with her hubby. They have been together for a couple of years and in the last few weeks she has been feeling like he's hiding things from her. She has had nothing to go on but suspicions and her gut *personally I trust my gut*. She recently got into his email and looked through it and discovered that a woman that he used to talk to, that he sapposedly doesn't like has sent her a picture of her genitallia. While she can't fault him for the sending, she does hold it against him for keeping the picture. The caption she told me read "for your safe keeping". I guess my question is does this constitue cheating? Should she confront him about it, cause she hasn't yet and it's really tearing her up. And what advice could you give me on how to advise her. I am kinda at a lose here cause this really doesn't sound like him to begin with. She doesn't want to break it off with him as she truely feels deeply for him. Right now she has the ability to kinda spy on him and I know it sounds dihonest but i'm not sure if one pic is much to go on in this situation of hers. I know that if this happened to me I would be as confused as she sounds when she talks about it to me. I honestly don't know what to tell her. So far I have only been the shoulder to cry on but I know the next time we have a chance in private to talk she's going to ask my advice. Anything to tell her would be something that I don't have now and would be very much appreaciated. I know this is kinda long so thanks for your patience in reading this.

I wouldn't constitute it as cheating but I damn well know it would really pi** me off!

I would definitley confront him about it. Definitley.
If he asks what were you doing going through my email - id say the bigger question is why the hell did u keep that disgusting photo??

As Wildcat said once - answer a question with another question ;)

Keeping things within you will only make it harder on you, and besides as his wife she has all the right to know.

[Cassie]

I agree, women and gut feelings. If he complains about her reading his emails then I would definitely think he has something to hide. Is it any different to converse privately with someone of the opposite sex on the computer all of the time, than writing letters via postal or talking on the phone all of the time. I am not saying you need to read each others emails, but if you happen upon one, what are you saying that needs to be hidden.

[Northwind_Dagas]

Ok so here's her situation, She has recently been having a "gut feeling" that something isn't right in her relationship with her hubby. They have been together for a couple of years and in the last few weeks she has been feeling like he's hiding things from her. She has had nothing to go on but suspicions and her gut *personally I trust my gut*. She recently got into his email and looked through it and discovered that a woman that he used to talk to, that he sapposedly doesn't like has sent her a picture of her genitallia.

To me, the most important factors in a relationship is communication and trust, and she's ignoring both. Rather than snooping, the first thing she should have done is talked to her husband.

She has also given him full access to all of her emails and believes that honesty is the best policy...

I don't think that I can dissuade her from spying on him in order to either confirm or deny suspicions either way and honestly if it were me I would need more proof that my gut was wrong before I jumped to conclusions.

How "honest" is spying? I don't believe she really thinks honesty is the best policy, or she wouldn't be dishonest herself. She needs to talk to him BEFORE further causing damage to their trust for each other.

I guess she's just going to have to "spy" on his internet activities more to find the truth. I don't like it anymore than anyone else but I would have to do the same thing in her position I think. I would expect him to do the same

I completely disagree! If he finds out that she's spying, there is going to be ongoing trust issues. Is it worth the damage to the relationship when a simple conversation could clear things up?

In the end, he may very well be cheating. But I think she should talk to him about it before continuing actions that may jeopordize their relationship anyway if he's not cheating.

If she can't trust her husband to be truthful and honest with her, then it doesn't really matter if he's cheating or not, they have other issues to work out.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think snooping is always wrong, even in marriage. There is never a right time to do a wrong thing. Admitting to a suspicion and warning someone that they are on notice for further scrutiny is the only above-board way (and I site this as a method for, say, a parent with a child they suspect of drug use) and I don't consider that snooping. As a result of snooping, she has now seriously handicapped her ability to have a frank, open, and honorable discussion about her gut feelings with him... which is what should have taken place to begin with.

It's that old adage: two wrongs don't even each other out or something to that effect.

Although this is likely to be an unpopular suggestion, I advise she live with the discomfort on the email as the price of snooping. When she has tangible evidence that backs up her gut reaction without resorting to actions that compromise her integrity, then she can bring up the discussion by limiting it to that evidence.

Otherwise, her only other recourse is to confess to the snooping to confront him with what she found and be prepared for his indignation. Sounds like an "all the cards on the table" from both sides type of conversation is really overdue here.

[prefabber]

Good moring folks, Two wrongs don't make it right. But the real question is why is the pic. In his e-mail? With out TRUST in a relationship what do you HAVE?

[Cassie]

This is an issue with so many factors. One can not always say the same answer applies to every situation. I do not believe in "snooping". On the other hand I have nothing to hide so if my husband is on my computer it does not bother me because I have nothing to hide. That does not say he would go through each of my emails to see if he can trust me, nor I his. So you have trust in each other and you find a picture on his email that is questionable. If you did not see it you would not now, so are you saying ignorance is bliss? It is OK to have something like that on your email because it is off limits to his wife. Is that trust? Trust is not having anything to hide. So which one is being untrustworthy? Someone who says "No, I have no emails to hide" and actually does. Or the person who sees it. Personally I think the one who hides something because he knows it is wrong and lies about it makes a bigger mistake.
It is just my opinion.

[Krs]

Good moring folks, Two wrongs don't make it right. But the real question is why is the pic. in his e-mail? with out TRUST in a relationship what do you HAVE?

Totally agree that two wrongs don't maka a right.
But althou maybe her browsing through her hubby's email isn't right, what's done is done!
She saw the pic..
And I know I would feel just like her.
Its not a matter of trust, but I would ask myself 'why does my hubby have a pic like that of another female'... a female I don't know.
If I had found a pic of some naked celebrity I wouldn't mind now really... but of some strange female.. :(
I wouldn't be happy.
So I would surely ask him.

[Cassie]

I think snooping is always wrong, even in marriage. There is never a right time to do a wrong thing. Admitting to a suspicion and warning someone that they are on notice for further scrutiny is the only above-board way (and I site this as a method for, say, a parent with a child they suspect of drug use). As a result she has now seriously handicapped her ability to have a frank, open, and honorable discussion about her gut feelings with him... which is what should have taken place to begin with.

It's that old adage: two wrongs don't even each other out or something to that effect.

Although this is likely to be an unpopular suggestion, I advise she live with the discomfort on the email as the price of snooping. When she has tangible evidence that backs up her gut reaction without resorting to actions that compromise her integrity, then she can bring up the discussion by limiting it to that evidence.

Otherwise, her only other recourse is to confess to the snooping to confront him with what she found and be prepared for his indignation. Sounds like an "all the cards on the table" from both sides type of conversation is really overdue here.

I agree with part of your point but not about children on drugs. You can ask them first and if they say no, you need to start looking to make sure. I volunteer a lot with teenagers in trouble. If you suspect drugs or alcohol, discuss it first but you have to make sure. The sooner you can become aware of a problem with them, the sooner you can start helping them.

[Blazingsun]

So funny I should come across this topic.

My husband left me actually because he had installed some tracker program on MY computer to track every single thing I did and said online.

He didn't trust me. I believe he had other issues to deal with besides trust which made him start snooping. Anyway, he found some things he didn't like and went with them. Next thing I know, without a word to me about anything, he was gone.

I am infuriated he loaded my computer with a tracker. Infuriated he invaded my privacy. Married or not it's still illegal to open anothers mail. Married or not doesn't make it right for another to invade ones private space or doings. This leads to trouble no matter how you look at it.

After he had left and finally started talking to me I was able to explain that what he had saw wasn't what he thought and he made a mountain out of a mole hill kind of deal.

He is a very insecure man and still did not fully believe me, though did want to come back. I told him I needed time to think about what HE had done to ME. He didn't like this and told me straight out he wanted a divorce. We are no longer together.

Point of all this... snooping was wrong.
Should have just confronted him and voiced your fears right then and there. Then, hell, ask to see his email then, have HIM show you what he has. It's not snooping and gives him chance to explain himself.

[J_9]

Okay, my two cents, for what it's worth.

I had a similar circumstance. A few years back I got on the computer and found my husband's e-mail. Purley by accident. He had a hotmail account and checke the box that asks to be remembered on this computer. At this point in time OUR e-mail was through hotmail so I went to check OUR e-mail and HIS popped up. I found a few things on there that shocked me.

So, what did I do? I immediately shut down the computer and left everything as it was. I confronted him with the facts that I had seen. Of course he denied everything, but when we got together in our home office where the computer was, I was able to show him what, and how, I found. At this point he could not deny anything.

So we then discussed where problems in our marriage might be and how to solve the problems. We then disconnected access to the internet for a short time (a few months) to work on US.

Now there are no secrets when it comes to the internet. And we have learned to trust each other more.

[talaniman]

Just my take on things-How would I feel if my wife went through my e-mails? A-We share the same account so even when we get those weird e-mails from some nut just hit delete. No matter about that gut feeling, going through someone else's stuff period is wrong. If there is a problem why not just ask or better yet say - honey my gut is feeling funny or something like that but why sneak around. Just my opinion though as a man why leave stuff around that will piss off the wife, Now that's dumb! Still they both should be talking about more than the price of bread because she may have been snooping but his hands aren't that clean either!:cool: :(

[Depressed in MO]

I feel that it depends on the situation to determine whether snooping is right.
I was with my Ex for seven years, and never once snooped on his cell phone, not one time. I even asked if I could see it and he told me No all the time and still I never snooped.
One night recently he passed out drunk on the couch and had his cell plugged into the charger next to him. It kept ringing and ringing all night into the morning. I never got up even once to look even though I laid in my bed wondering who was calling at 4;45 in the morning. Well when I woke up for work, I went into the living room to wake him up for work and his cell phone (which was a flip phone) was wide open and I glanced at the screen because it was laying right there in the wide open and saw missed calls: Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie a million times. This is someone who he had cheated on me with before and swore it was over months prior. At that point, with him still passed out, I looked through his phone, found other girls in there, and also some very intimate text messages between him and Katie. He was telling her that he loved her and all kinds of things. I do not think that what I did was wrong and no one could ever convince me otherwise. If I had not done what I did, to this very day, he would still be messing with her and tearing our family that we had together apart. Sometimes you have to search for the truth in any way you can...