[emotional Girl]

It looks like I am full of issues today..
Just need advise on how to not be so jelous I guess it sort of goes hand in hand with my other question but I need to know how to controle it cause its not a good feeling and I know that it's going to push my boyfriend away. I want to live his own life and not mine but where do I start and where do I draw the line?

[kctiger]

Do you have your own life, or do you rely on him for the entertainment? Sounds like the latter may be the case. You are two INDIVDIUALS who are chosing to be in a relationship. Just because you are together doesn't mean you no longer have individuality. It takes time to develop self confidence enough to accept this. Just work it out, that's really the only way you can. Go to a counselor if you have to.

[f33]

Hello,

I read your posting about being insecure. I guess that post as well as this post are very similar.

First of all, trust is the underlying issue here. Trust takes time, nurturing and patience. Eventually when you are able to trust your partner, the jealousy and insecurities of yourself will diminish with time, given that your partner doesn't cheat on you, or leave, or you leave.

I think it's important that you communicate to him that in your relationship, you need to build trust with each other and how you are able to do that is by being open, honest and forthright with each other in all circumstances.

Hope this helps, best of luck.

[emotional Girl]

Hi, I am always honest and open as it is very important to me in a relationship but I am so scared that he won't be honest and I know that is out of my controle...

Tanx for advice and the luck as I know you going through a hard time too :)

[JBeaucaire]

Fear is the root of all of this. Fear you'll lose him to someone else (could happen), fear he won't be faithful (could happen), fear that you don't make him happy (usually happens), fear he has more fun than you do...

All of this stems from the idea that you find happiness in this guy... any guy, really. It's not true. Your boyfriend/husband isn't the source of your happiness. He's supposed to be a companion who admires your happiness and cheers you on in it.

Can you be happy outside of your relationship? You need to be. You need to have all the elements that make a happy, balanced life. Your confidence and self-esteem is boosted by the things you DO in life, not the guys you date, or the things they say to you or about you.

Once you realize this, you can develop a healthier attitude about your boyfriend(s). Truth is, some of them will cheat on you. That's almost always about their own selfishness, not about your failings. So, when they cheat, they do you a favor... you get to see them for what they are and move on to your next adventure.

Truth is, some boys are happier in general than you are, happy in life, flirty by nature (not sexual, just overly attentive to others in a playful, fun way), social to the core and all-around "out-there" kind of guys. That's great! But if you get your confidence FROM them, that same guy would generate a lot of jealous pangs from you.

Since you can't control others, you can't control whom you like, so just make sure you're not piling responsibilities on your guys they shouldn't have to bear. Don't make them responsible for you feeling good about yourself or relationship. That comes from your own positive world-view.

Meanwhile, the first step is to just keep in mind that your thoughts are not his reality. Just because you think something doesn't make it true. Feelings and fears aren't truth. So keep them off his head. If you DO have to talk to him about them, express yourself in a way that doesn't lay the issue on his doorstep:

"I'm having an issue with how other girls are attracted to you. I know you're a hottie, so I get the attraction. You'll let me know when I'm being silly, won't you? I'm working on it."

You get the idea.

[emotional Girl]

Its like you just analyzed me in a nut shell and I didn't like what I read but its true and I needed my eyes to open I am 21 and I am already a manager if I must say I am doing pretty well for myself so I defnitly don't need a guy to complete me just nice to have some one that loves me back as much as I love him.
Ok so all these things make sense but where do I start to ensure that I don't let me know he has such a big effeck on my life and emotions.. should I get a hobby?

[JBeaucaire]

...where do I start to ensure that I dont let me know he has such a big effect on my life and emotions... Should I get a hobby??

Absolutely. Several. Nothing is more confidence building than success. You're getting that at work... check. Now some shorter things you can do to get "wins" on a weekly basis, and hobby or two is perfect for that.

Think about the things you've enjoyed doing in the past 10 years just for fun that required you to put your head into it and do some work. Any ideas? Any activities you did that involved a lot of other people that you truly enjoyed?

Once you start thinking along those lines, you'll get some great ideas. And best ones of all would involve you giving time/energy selflessly to someone/others.

For instance, if you really like sports, instead of just playing basketball with friends (which you should do), you also join the youth league to work with kids who play. Or you volunteer at the Boys and Girls club a couple of days a week.

You get the idea. Things like this that fit into your area(s) of interest.

[talaniman]

Just nice to have some one that loves me back as much as I love him.

I think we all feel that way, and when we put more importance on having someone, than we do on ourselves, is when we lose ourselves and have problems with self esteem, and insecurities.

You can let someone share your happiness, without making them your whole life, and that's what gives us the balance to appreciate our partners, and not lose site of what important to us.

Balance is important, and will keep you from being dependent on any one, for you to be happy with yourself.

[lady_rose]

JB I like your answer to this question, I have the same problem and just reading some of the post on how NOT to be jealous..

Just wanted to say I understand you girl I have the same problem

[Czosie]

Wow there are some really good answers here. I think a lot of this falls down into the trust category, trust is a hard thing to give to someone.. and it's a hard thing to repair, but its always possible. If he has broken your trust before you can either have him rebuild it or let him go, if he hasn't broken your trust then you need to trust him. At the end of the day you need to be able to say, look this guy is going out and doing things but he loves me, he loves and respects me and would never do anything to hurt me.. That's the only way I can get over my jealousy, I need to remember that this person loves me and wants to be with me, and wouldn't hurt me.

[JBeaucaire]

Wow there are some really good answers here. I think alot of this falls down into the trust catagory, trust is a hard thing to give to someone.. and its a hard thing to repair, but its always possible. If he has broken your trust before you can either have him rebuild it or let him go, if he hasn't broken your trust then you need to trust him. At the end of the day you need to be able to say, look this guy is going out and doing things but he loves me, he loves and respects me and would never do anything to hurt me.. Thats the only way I can get over my jealousy, i need to remember that this person loves me and wants to be with me, and wouldn't hurt me.

I'm glad you're encouraged to think it through in a positive way.

BUT...

I have to caution you on that last statement, especially the part I underlined. I keep warning people NOT to put the basis of their happiness on others, and that's exactly what this accidentally does. Worse, it does it with a false promise.

He loves you...yes.
He wants to be with you...yes.
He wouldn't hurt you....uh....no, you can't go there.

We save our worst behaviors in life for the people closest to us. Isn't that odd? Your guy WILL hurt you, if for no other reason than you are close enough to experience his pains. You will get hurt.

And, in spite of love, people often choose selfishness anyway. We see this on the forum every day. People in love cheat on each other, abuse each other, steal from each other, ignore each other, withhold affection from one another... ALL of these are hurtful, and all of them occur with frustrating regularity.

So stop deriving your calm from thoughts about what other people will or won't do, OK? You need to be comfortable in your own circle regardless of what gets thrown at you or by whom.