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I_NEED_HELP289 · May 22, 2006, 07:15 PM

alright my problem is that ive known this guy for a few years and hes been through alot of stuff and he is now trying to straiten his life out. he has a job now and its what he wants to do. he has a girlfreind and he says he loves her. well i know all the things hes been through but we lost contact for about a year and about two weeks ago i saw him at my freinds party. ever since then we have been close freinds but last weekend things went farther than freinds but two days before that i got a text message saying in his words " erika this might sound stupid, but i really, really like you, alot. really i do and it just now hit me." thats what he said. then that weekend happend. he says he really likes me but he is in love with his girlfreind but she is really pissing him off. so he says he wants to wait for a few weeks and see what happens. okay ive told you what happend now can you tell me if hes for real or is he just playing me? because im starting to fall for him bad and i dont need to be hurt again. ive already gone through things most women never have to. so please if anyone can help please do. and if you do thank you very much!

Krs · May 23, 2006, 12:28 AM

Whether he is playing or if he is for real.. that I just can't answer!

Well all I can say then if you really like him too and are falling for him... Just make sure you do not get involved while he is still involved with his girlfriend.

Make sure he has left her. You don't want to be his bit on side, and bare in mind if he is cheating on his girlfriend with you, what's stopping him for doing it back to you.

Once a cheat always a cheat!

fredg · May 23, 2006, 05:13 AM

Hi,
At the present time, you are letting yourself in for possibly a whole lot of hurt.
I agree with your previous answer, don't mess around with this man while he still has a girlfriend. If this man really loves you, or even "likes" you enough to pursue this, he will tell his girlfriend that he has found someone else; you.
If you were falling for a married man, would you continue with him, or wait until he divorced his wife? That's just an example.
This man has a girlfriend. It's up to him to end his relationship with her, then get back together with you.
If you keep trying to be "friends", or even more with him, it's going to be worse. Best wishes, and good luck.

Krs · May 23, 2006, 07:54 AM

RICKJ
This is another thread that is not appearing under my profile, while it should be as I replied to it.

phillysteakandcheese · May 23, 2006, 08:46 AM

I'm sure he likes you, and going "farther than friends" is a great deal for him... He can keep you on the side while he continues with his girlfriend. Ultimately, the girlfriend will find out he isn't committed to her, and then he gets to fall back to you... and profess how "in love" he is.

I don't know what his relationship with his current girlfriend is, but I think he cheated on his girlfriend with you. Now, he's not married, so of course if he decides he wants to be with you instead, he can drop his current girlfriend.

A key sign for you will be to watch and see how long his current girlfriend remains in the picture.
If he's keeping you on the side, you know your really just a side dish.
If he breaks it off with is current girlfriend, you know he has feelings of commitment to you.

You've known this guy for awhile, and he's had enough problenms to need to "straighten out his life" you say, so really... Is he worth it?

Wildcat21 · May 23, 2006, 10:29 AM

Well, I would WAIT until he is done with the other woman.

You are falling for him for the same old reasons everyone falls... PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE!! Always!! You like him because you can't have him.

talaniman · May 23, 2006, 11:03 AM

If he loved you so much he would have dumped his g/f. But why should he ?He already has you where he wants you and his g/f so why woud he change a thing. Why would you even be wandering if he's playing you or not since he has you both anyway. He's cheating on you both, or playing you both,or doing you both,so please tell me what makes him so special that you don't mind sharing? Does this sound like a relationship to be proud of? I know things happen fast in the big city but you need to take your time and get a man of your own and save your goodies for him!:cool: :confused:

Chery · May 23, 2006, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

I'm sure he likes you, and going "farther than friends" is a great deal for him... He can keep you on the side while he continues with his girlfriend. Ultimately, the girlfriend will find out he isn't committed to her, and then he gets to fall back to you... and profess how "in love" he is.

I don't know what his relationship with his current girlfriend is, but I think he cheated on his girlfriend with you. Now, he's not married, so of course if he decides he wants to be with you instead, he can drop his current girlfriend.

A key sign for you will be to watch and see how long his current girlfriend remains in the picture.
If he's keeping you on the side, you know your really just a side dish.
If he breaks it off with is current girlfriend, you know he has feelings of committment to you.

You've known this guy for awhile, and he's had enough problenms to need to "straighten out his life" you say, so really ... Is he worth it?

Sorry dear, but phillysteakandcheese said it all - you are just leaving yourself open for more heartache. As a matter of fact, all the advice you've received here so far is as accurate as can be. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better.

All men will be flattering to get what they think they want. Most are not that flattering when they pass on the bad news to you...

valinors_sorrow · May 23, 2006, 06:19 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He's cheating on you both, or playing you both,or doing you both,so please tell me what makes him so special that you don't mind sharing?

Bullseye with that remark, Talaniman.

It should never be underestimated how bad a sign cheating is.
Its very often like the tip of the iceberg called "bad relationship character defects".

Although it can be very romantically appealing to think you have "won" someone away from someone else, its more likely a case of just give it time before you are sunk just like the Titanic, just like the former girlfriend.

I_NEED_HELP289 · May 24, 2006, 07:47 PM

Thankx for all the comments. Its not that I'm sharing it was a one time thing and unless he brakes up with her it won't happen again. I'm just not sure what to do cause I've liked him since I meet him but things were different between us back then and now that he likes me to I don't want it to change but I don't want things to stay the same. I mean should I say something more to him about it or should I just let things happen in time? And as for the once a cheat always a cheat I talked to him before it happened about that and he said if we were together it wouldn't happen cause its only been me and he really likes me. I feel like a dumb ***. I'm sorry but I do feel stupid now. If anyone can help anymore please do if not I thank you for all you have done already.:(

talaniman · May 24, 2006, 10:14 PM

Ya think he may have told his g/f the same things he told you? Ya think he's told his g/f he really likes her? Stop feeling dumb and don't be stupid. Leave him alone! You don't need a liar and a cheat do you?

Skell · May 24, 2006, 10:15 PM

Of course he is going to tell you that if he was with you that he wouldn't cheat on you. What else do you expect him to say? Can I ask how old you are?
You have to think long and hard before getting involved with this man. I think he is just playing you both and has you right where he wants you. Sorry if that is harsh but it just looks that way to me.
Hope you can work it out!

tirednhurt86 · May 24, 2006, 10:39 PM

Heyy

A similar situation like this happened to me a few years ago. I met this great guy and we flirted and held hands and began to hang out a lot. A girl came up to me and told me that he and her were dating. I knew they were close but I didn't know they were dating. He told me that he loved me, and that he was more attracted to me than his g/f and that he wanted to be with me but that he loved his girlfriend. I didn't pursue anything more than a friendship with him, but I did like him. But to me, if a guy has a girlfriend he is off limits. Because I would never want a girl going after a boyfriend of mine. In my situation the guy stayed with his girlfriend and slowly let go of me because he knew my stance. He had told me he would leave her for me in a second many many times. He never did. They dated 3 more years and just recently broke up. My advice to you is to do what you feel is right. Follow your heart. But try to think of his girlfriend, and try putting yourself in her shoes. What if it was your boyfriend flirting and saying these things to another girl? Also if he can go behind her back and say things to u, what if you do end up with him- do you think his behavior will change? Most likely he will do what he is doing to his current girlfriend to u. anyhow, I hope this helped a little knowing someone has been in a similar situation and has a little insight. Just do what you feel is the right thing to do. Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest thing. Hope this helps you!

I_NEED_HELP289 · May 25, 2006, 07:06 PM

To answer skell I'm 17 I now I sound young but I've been through a lot already. To tierdnhurt86 I'm sorry for what happened and yes you did help. And finally to everyone on here thankx for the help but I was wrong and I found out my best friend mike was right all along the guy I liked diddnt change as much as I thought I've haven't talked to hi in days and on my myspace account he deleated me from his friends list and won't answer his phone but the only reason I called was because his be day was the 24 and I just wanted to say happy be day till I got online and saw he deleated me from his friends list.:( well I'm sorry for wasting all of your time with my stupid problems but thankx again for the help.:o

Skell · May 25, 2006, 07:17 PM

You certainly didn't waste anyone's time. And yes you are young but it doesn't mean you don't feel pain. But the best thing about being young is that you have so much happiness to look forward to. Look at this as a positive that you didn't chase a guy that hadn't changed in the way you thought he had. You've actually been spared a lot more pain in the future.
Move one. You'll find someone that is great to you and treats you how you deserve to be treated.
Stay positive and enjoy your youth.

I_NEED_HELP289 · May 25, 2006, 07:25 PM

Thankx so much skell. I hope things work out I'm not sure how much more of this I can take I've just been through so much these past 2 years its starting to afect me mentally.

Skell · May 25, 2006, 07:30 PM

The human spirit is an amzing thing. Stay strong and you will get through it I'm sure.
Be with friends and family. They love you and can make you feel good.
Good luck!

Chery · May 26, 2006, 11:57 AM

Dear I need... Skell, and all the others here have shown you that you are certainly not alone, and you should not feel dumb at all. You are going through what all of us have gone through at your age. It has nothing to do with what we've been through and our IQ, it is a normal process that we all have to learn to manage.

For some unknown reason, we are born, get nurtured, and then have to learn the hard part of becoming an adult. Learning what we want from ourselves and what we expect from others builds our character - no matter how painful or 'stupid' we feel it is.

I'm a mother, and believe me, if there were any way that I could have spared my daughter the heartaches she has been through, and the ones to come, I would have done it years ago. But, unfortunately, it's something that we are destined to manage on our own.

Parents as well as good friends can be comforting, but in the end it's on each one of us to get through the hard times. Just holding my daughter in my arms and letting her cry, did me well, as much as it helped her - so think about the emotional support you have available to you and get as much as you need.

Just remember another thing, never, never think you need to go through this or any other crisis alone. The support you receive now will help you in developing your compassion and emotional make-up in order to be there for your children. This goes on and on each generation.

And, of course, you now have this forum, and our support - what more can you ask for?

Hang in there, and contact us any time.

Sharing with others helps the healing process too.

Krs · May 27, 2006, 01:50 AM

Originally Posted by I_NEED_HELP289

thankx so much skell. i hope things work out im not sure how much more of this i can take ive just been through so much these past 2 years its starting to afect me mentally.

Well there u go...
Prompt yourself wi a fresh start..
U said it yourself im not sure how much more of this i can take ive just been through so much these past 2 years its starting to afect me mentally..so don't do yourself any harm
Be careful and good luck

s_cianci · May 28, 2006, 05:37 PM

I'd take this one real slow and not get my hopes up about anything. You said he has a girlfriend and he's just now getting his life straightened out. Don't let yourself get caught in the middle of whatever problems he may be dealing with his girlfriend and whatever else. I wouldn't count on anything coming out of this. Better for you to just remain friends with the guy and get on with your own life.