[Lucy22]

Hi all,


I need some help and advice! I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 17, he was my first boyfirend. He has always been very sure of his love for me and so have I at times. I did however have many doubts and anxieties over being with him in the beginning. I often worried that I should be out there and single, picking up guys like all my friends were. I often told him these doubts and as a result we often came close to breaking up but I could never bear to let him go. We have really grown together over the years and I love him so much. He's funny, smart, caring and very understanding, I really see a future for us. I have always had very little confidence and find it hard to tal to other guys and have friendships with them. I often blame the fact that I have been in a relationship for this and that I have never had a chance to run amok. Now I find that we have problems and my boyfriend has insecurities about me based on the problems I had in the past... is this something we can work through together or should I have listened to my doubts years ago and broken up with him?

[JBeaucaire]

I think you need to stop analyzing WHY things are the way they are and just respond maturely and honestly to WHAT IS.

There is NO REASON to think the only way to happiness is through dating around and "picking up guys like all my friends were". There is NO REASON to think that dating ONE GUY will lead to happiness, either.

But I tell you what will lead to happiness. Not comparing. Not holding a loving, caring guy up to the light and seeing how he compares to others. Who cares how he compares to others!! All that matters is how he treats you, how he makes your life better, and how you see yourself making his life better.

Period. It's really that simple.

You don't share any detail (and if you do later, please be brief, just the main points... ) about the things you have been through, but you two HAVE been through it.

Doubts...everyone has them. Just judge him for who he really is, nothing more, nothing less. Don't be ruled by doubts, don't "wonder" your way out of a good relationship on the off chance something better is out there. If you both love each other and want to add to each other's lives, let that be enough. Forget the rest of the world.

But if things really, truly AREN'T working well between you after 5 year... (OMG, 5 years!! ), then yes, move on and don't waste anymore time.

Five years is PLENTY of time to know if you two are continuing to grow and learn and blossom together. I've been married 23 years and the spark is still there. But to be honest, my wife was my 4th love, but you could make it on your first.

I'm just saying it shouldn't be a mystery after this length of time. Either it's working or it isn't. Which is it?

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Just about any problem can be worked through by 2 committed, honestly communicating persons who want to solve issues as a loving partnership.

How have you two resolved issues before? Have you been able to talk things out so a good resolution for both was reached? Are you guys able to respectfully disagree with each other?

If that hasn't been the case yet, that doesn't mean it will never happen. It just means you two need to work on developing those skills now.

[Janmarie]

Are you happy being in this relationship and with this man? If you say yes to that then you are in the right relationship. You probably are thinking about what you may have missed out on over the years. But if you really look at all the relationship problems that a lot of single people are having you'll be thankfull that you did miss out on all that.

[talaniman]

If you to have the honest communications to work together, you can overcome any problem life throws at you. Now be confident, and get busy talking to each other and listen.

[Lucy22]

Thanks so much to all of your repsonses it really is so helpful!

We have been through a lot together and I feel we have great communication.

I think we have experienced a lot of growing pains together and have battled so many issues facing young people together e.g acceptance, maturity etc. but I feel we have always been open and honest with one another.. until recently I guess! It's these things that have made our relationship so strong! We have an absolute ball together.. but I think J Beaucaire hit the nail on th head when you say I compare him to others... I really do. I do that in all facets of my life though I always feel as though I am missing out on something.
It's strange because all of my friends and family think he is wonderful.. its just me that looks at him and is super critical! But I am also super critical to myself as well!

Thanks again for your advice!