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NYWoman · Aug 4, 2008, 05:54 AM

Hi Everyone,

I am new to posting to this site, however, I have been reading the posts and the advise given and you are so great! I have an issue that I hope you can help me with.

First, the basics:

I am a 39 year old woman, and my boyfriend is a 42 year old man. We both live in the same town, me in my own place, him back with his mother since his divorce. We are both divorced, and we have been dating each other seriously for 2 1/2 years. For the most part we get along, and I love his company and of course him, but lately, I have been feeling very unhappy. When I first met him, he told me right off the bat that he lives with his mother. At first I was uneasy about this, but I figured well, lets see. Okay, not too big of a deal at first, she is very nice, and cool. BUT.. (remember his age, 42 currently). She still makes his lunch every day, dinner, etc. Nice, but not nice if you know what I mean. Another issue is the fact that he was impotent. He was in a car accident several years back (thank God he was okay), however, he was on a series of pain medication which over the course of time made him this way. I didn't have a problem with this, I mean I love making love, and I am a very passionate person, but I love him, and I understood, and supported him in every way. After being taken off the meds. it slowly came back. He is 80% better. Anyway, he always flirts, looks at other woman (I know all men do, as do women look at other men), but he would literally turn his head, and totally look at them up and down, whether I am there at his side or not. In addition, every time he sees a nice looking woman, he would flat out say "If I were 20 years younger, I would F*&* the SH*% out of her", or "I would have a field day with that". Well, I told him, and tell him still, that it hurts so badly. He said that that is the way he his, he is only kidding, and would never cheat on me, or hurt me. He loves porn as well (just a little side note). He does treat me well otherwise, always there for me as a 'rock', always protecting me, defending me (if I ever needed it), but then he acts like this. He yells and screams if I get upset (cry) because of his actions. Every so often he will talk of marriage, and living together, etc, but then he says after his previous marriage, he has wounds that have to heal, and isn't sure if he can ever marry again. Yet, he said I should speak to a professional about my insecurities (which I admit I do have), and he would go with me.

Sometimes he makes me feel beautiful, and other times he makes me feel like I am the ugliest woman on the planet because of all of this. In fact last week we went to a wedding, I had my makeup professionally done, and I was so scared to go to the wedding for fear that he would be staring at every pretty woman there, and making his comments. I went anyway, but I felt so insecure.

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Thanks again everyone.

talaniman · Aug 4, 2008, 06:40 AM

Your fears are legitimate, and you should pay attention to them, as you deal with them now, but unless he changes his actions, they will over time make you even more insecure

He has some baggage he brings with him, and you can bet if your uncomfortable now, you will be miserable later.

Another thing is, you have already invested a few years into this fellow, and you can bet, this is only a preview of life with him, and it's a real red flag that he hasn't unpacked his old baggage, and dealt with it, nor has he moved closer to you, emotionally, and what you want.

After 2/3 years, I always figure couples should know if the bond they have been building is strong enough, to continue on to a higher level. He may be happy with things the way it is, but I think your seeing two many things you don't like, and that's being realistic, he may make you feel good on some level, but does the negative outweigh the positive??

chuff · Aug 4, 2008, 06:46 AM

I don't think your blowing this out of proprotion but I think he has some valid issues. I think you touched on something that let up red flags for me when I read this. This man is not over his ex wife. Furthermore, his anger issues about his ex wife that he either did not or could not tell her are now being taken out on you. I think that is why you get this Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde complex where he goes from good guy but he gets to a point in his mind where he thinks "I loved my ex and it turned out bad, I've got to put up the walls."

I think you seeing a therapist is fine if you have insecurities, but he's out of his mind if he thinks you are the one that needs to see one and everything is just fine with him. Interestingly enough, I also think he may even want to see a therapist but is afraid to admit it. By putting the blame of insecurty on you and then telling you that if you go see a therapist he'll tag along, what he's really saying is, "I'm to scared to go by myself, but I'll hopefully learn something that I can use while I sit there with her."

At the end of this you seem like a pretty reasonable person and you recognize this isn't right. I'd suggest that if you want to work on your insecurity then it's fine to see a therapist, but that therapy is for you to get better not for him to leech off. At the end of the day if he's not making your life a happy one, then you have to cut him out.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Aug 4, 2008, 06:46 AM

When someone loves you, they make you feel beautiful every day, not every other day or twice a week. Yes, it's human to look at other people but it's wrong in making nasty comments about them, joking or not.

Romefalls19 · Aug 4, 2008, 06:50 AM

Make a list of pros and cons of the relationship. If cons outweight the pros, dump it

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Aug 4, 2008, 08:42 AM

I'm sorry Tal but did you mean that my post was rude?

NYWoman · Aug 4, 2008, 08:44 AM

Thank you very much everyone. Your advise is so excellent, and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also agree with Chuff with the fact that I think he really does want to go to therapy for himself as well, but he is telling me to go and he will go with me (which I do appreciate) to help him deal with issues of his own.

My other question is, because of his flirting, lude gestures with regard to other women, do you think he would ever cheat on me? Do you think he is really just kidding with these statements? Are there any signs that I should look for?

jjwoodhull · Aug 4, 2008, 08:47 AM

The comments that he makes to you or in front of you about other women is a blatant sign of disrespect. Big Red Flag.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Aug 4, 2008, 08:52 AM

I have to agree 100% jjwoodhull.

NYWoman · Aug 4, 2008, 09:19 AM

I even asked him is he has been and is faithful, he said yes. He said in the past, he has been cheated on, and it upset him, big time. He would never do that to anyone, esp. to me. I do believe that, or at least want to, but why does he flirt, and why make those comments? Does he really mean it joking?

jjwoodhull · Aug 4, 2008, 09:25 AM

We don't have enough information to know if he's cheating or not. But is that the only deal breaker for you? Shouldn't it be enough that you have told him that his comments hurt you and he doesn't care enough to stop. From all you have said he sounds immature and self centered.

jjwoodhull · Aug 4, 2008, 09:27 AM

Also... you ask if he is joking. If you don't find it funny then what makes it a joke?

NYWoman · Aug 4, 2008, 09:29 AM

You are right, JJ. What kills me is when he is nice, his is nice, which is most of the time, but then he really acts like a complete uncaring a**hole. He says that I need to deal with my insecurities (which I know and I will) and that he is only kidding when he says those stupid things and you should not take any of the comments to heart. He says 'All guys say those things'. I have to disagree.

liz28 · Aug 4, 2008, 09:38 AM

I think what he's doing and saying is rude. I know my boyfriend looks at girls and I look at guys sometimes when were together but I don't stare and neither does he.

I think some of things he's saying he really means it. I know maybe some guys talk that way in front of their friends but to do it in front of your girdfriend in disregards to her feelings is wrong.

He may not never change and continue to be this way no matter what you do because if he cared he would not have in the first place. I guess he don't think before he speaks.

chuff · Aug 4, 2008, 10:11 AM

Originally Posted by NYWoman

He says that I need to deal with my insecurities (which I know and I will)

I think we are dealing with two separate problems here that have some how become intertwined. You have insecurities. You admit to it and you are going to seek help. That is problem number 1 and seems to have a working solution and one that can be built off if proper action is taken.

Problem number 2 is your relationship. I can honestly see him making this mistake once, even twice but once the woman says this is bothering her and it's not unreasonable then this is his problem. He has a way of not only treating women in general but the one he's with that is counter productive to a healthy relationship. Now that is HIS problem in YOUR relationship. You can tell him to get therapy or you can tell him that you expect and deserve the same respect you are giving him. If he can't hold up his end of the bargain then you need to get away from him.

The people in your life are either going to push you up or drag you down. It's up to you to pick those people, but it sure looks like he's dragging you down.

To give him some credit, I still think he wants help and knows he needs help but he's not sure how to go about it and that's why he wants to tag along with you to therapy. The problem with that is, it is not addressing his problems. Your insecurities may come from something completely different then his.

Again this doesn't sound like a "relationship" problem, just two people with separate problems who are in a relationship. The problem with that is both problems are mixing in and causing confusion and creating larger problems.

Originally Posted by NYWoman

He says 'All guys say those things'. I have to disagree.

Tell him that you got some advice from a real man that doesn't.

NYWoman · Aug 4, 2008, 11:14 AM

Thank you so much Chuff, Tal, Liz, all of you. This is so hard, because, he really is good guy, and I do trust him, but when he acts like/says this stuff, it hurts, and really makes my insecurities worse. I really makes me feel horrible.

NYWoman · Aug 6, 2008, 05:28 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

I think what he's doing and saying is rude. I know my boyfriend looks at girls and I look at guys sometimes when were together but I don't stare and neither does he.

I think some of things he's saying he really means it. I know maybe some guys talk that way in front of their friends but to do it in front of your girdfriend in disregards to her feelings is wrong.

He may not never change and continue to be this way no matter what you do because if he cared he would not have in the first place. I guess he don't think before he speaks.

Hi Liz,

When you said "I think some of things he's saying he really means it", do you mean that when he says he is kidding, he is really kidding, or when he says those comments about other women, that he would really go for it; with me or without me?

talaniman · Aug 6, 2008, 05:51 AM

I think your own insecurities make you to sensitive, and you take it personally when he acts like a butt. Stop doing that.

NYWoman · Aug 6, 2008, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your own insecurities make you to sensitive, and you take it personally when he acts like a butt. Stop doing that.

Hi Tal,

You are right, my own insecurities definitely make me more sensitive than normal. But in your opinion, as a man, do you think he does or want to be with other women?

liz28 · Aug 6, 2008, 07:19 AM

It does not necessarily means he wants to be with someone else. I think he does think before he speaks or don't care about what he saids whoever he's around.

I sometimes do that but I catch myself and don't said things but sometimes I do and don't realize what I said until it is said, if that makes sense. The only way you would have a problem if he acts on it. If he's not he just blurting out stuff, he might wish he could like when he says "if I was younger I'll....", he not saying he wants to do it now. Still I think he should not be saying those things unless your have a relationship like that but he should not be saying it when it makes you feel uncomfortable. In the same breathe you need to work on yourself and then maybe it won't phrase you as much. Me and my boyfriend have free speech with each other but still there's a line so things won't be taken too far.