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Dreaming07 · Jul 9, 2008, 10:08 AM

I have been with my fiancé for 10 yrs, & we have 2 kids . At what point do you just throw in the towel and walk away knowing that you are still deeply in love with that person?

progunr · Jul 9, 2008, 10:10 AM

At the point, where it may be painfully obvious, that you are subjecting the children to things that are going to damage their chances for a bright, happy, and healthy future.

If the situation between the two of you is having minimal effect on them, you should fight and strive to keep a two parent home in tact.

Dreaming07 · Jul 9, 2008, 10:16 AM

Well for the past few years he has a habit of taking "pain pills" every now and then, he don't need them. And I don't know if I should keep waiting for him to change or to just leave him. I do love him with all my heart and when he isn't on pills we are compleltly fine, no drama. But he keeps saying things are going to be different and then they are for a while and then we go backwards. Its like I am going around in circles here and I just want to be happy with him.

AmExp · Jul 9, 2008, 10:28 AM

I am trying to figure it all out myself but 10 years and no marriage... that is a red flag. Sounds like you MAY HAVE stayed in the relationship for the sake of the kids and with hopes that you all could "make it work"? It is hard to walk away from someone you love with all your heart who may not feel the same way about you. Or, that they show no effort in trying to make it work. It's like beating a dead horse. At some point it also is ver unhealthy for the kids as well. I know the image of "a happy family" may seem fine and dandy but your children suffer greatly. Think of the impact and damage this could have on them in the future. Good luck...

jamie Cart · Jul 9, 2008, 10:31 AM

Then you NEED to make him LISTEN. I mean really take heed. Tell him how BAD you feel and what you intend to do should nothing change. I'm now going through a terrible break up on my part as I Didn't listen to my partner, I didn't stop doing what she wanted. Its only now that I am making changes to my life and behavior. I think some men have a real knack of getting TOO comfortable and sailing along, but believe me, we are still very much in love with our spouse. We choose what we want to hear. I don't know how you do it, bit I think if my partner sat me down, and calmly told me all the things she didn't WANT anymore, and that if that didn't change she WOULD leave , I would have addressed the issues earlier. Thgen again, she did to some points and I still brushed it off. I don't really have the answer other than to make sure you get it through to him. She "fell out of love with me" and that hurt. It was also too late! He needs to realise that its getting close to being TOO LATE

Good luck to you, and try hard. He will definalty regret what's happened if the worst comes. Plus he has kids to think of. Show him my original thread, LOL, that may wake him up.

What are pain pills?

progunr · Jul 9, 2008, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Dreaming07

well for the past few years he has a habit of taking "pain pills" every now and then, he dont need them. and i dont know if i should keep waiting for him to change or to just leave him. I do love him with all my heart and when he isnt on pills we are compleltly fine, no drama. but he keeps saying things are going to be different and then they are for a while and then we go backwards. its like i am going around in circles here and i just want to be happy with him.

I've learned, most times the hard way, that you really can't "change" anyone.

We only have control over and can only change ourselves, and in order to do that, we have to be highly motivated to do so.

There is no easy answer to these situations, but if you can't accept him as he is, you have to decide what to do about it.

The safety and well being of the children has to be the top priority.

jamie Cart · Jul 9, 2008, 10:40 AM

Your not asking someone to change "themselves", were asking someone to stop doing something they have made a choice to do, to take. He can then make a choice not to do that. He's not changing, he's making active choices to not do soenthing that hurts others.

I'm talking from my personal point I suppose, but if he's sailing along, he's not realising.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 9, 2008, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Dreaming07

well for the past few years he has a habit of taking "pain pills" every now and then, he dont need them. and i dont know if i should keep waiting for him to change or to just leave him. I do love him with all my heart and when he isnt on pills we are compleltly fine, no drama. but he keeps saying things are going to be different and then they are for a while and then we go backwards. its like i am going around in circles here and i just want to be happy with him.

Dreaming07,

You might be waiting awhile for him to change if not forever. Many women make the mistake of thinking they can change their husband/boyfriend. It rarely happens. He might change if he knows that you are planning to leave with the kids because popping un-prescribed pills is a bad environment to be in.

If he makes these promises to you that 'things' are going to be different and then they go backwards then why do you stay? All he has to say to you is 'Things will get better' and he knows that you will believe that and stick with him but as soon as something bad happens, he goes right back to the 'things will change' speech. He has that power over you.

It's time for you to make some serious decisions. Think about the kids. What is best for them? For you? If getting away with the kids for awhile is going to help him then so be it.

progunr · Jul 9, 2008, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by jamie Cart

Your not asking someone to change "themselves", were asking someone to stop doing something they have made a choice to do, to take. he can then make a choice not to do that. He's not changing, he's making active choices to not do soenthing that hurts others.

im talking from my personal point i suppose, but if he's sailing along, he's not realising.

If he is currently "doing" anything that the OP does not like or want him to do, then in asking them to stop, you are expecting them to "change" what they are doing or not doing.

Call it what you want, it is expecting or asking for "change" from what is currently happening.

jamie Cart · Jul 9, 2008, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by progunr

If he is currently "doing" anything that the OP does not like or want him to do, then in asking them to stop, you are expecting them to "change" what they are doing or not doing.

Call it what you want, it is expecting or asking for "change" from what is currently happening.

I agree, and Im talking from my heart as I'm there now. All I'm saying is that yes, its VERY hard to change someone's personality, but to stop doing something that he's selfishly doing is possible. He just needs to realise the implications and stress its causing. And correct, if he goes back, then you go. Im just sayoing he REALLY needs to understand, some of us are blind at times.

Dreaming07 · Jul 9, 2008, 01:17 PM

We could have been married along time ago. He wants more then anything to marry me . At one point he wanted it way before I did. I was just scared of being married because I had issues with really being with one man. We have been together since I was 18. But as the years went on I realized that I only wanted to be with him and only him. We were suppose to get married in October but I have cancelled that as of last week. When and if we marry I want it to be right.
I feel like I hold on to that piece of hope that when he says " its different this time , or things are going to change" that one day it will be true. I love him sooo much and our children adore him. He does no wrong in our sons eyes.But I am getting to the point on weather I should stay or go. My head says leave but my heart says stay and fight it out. I am so confused and don't know what I should do. Its so complicated.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2008, 06:25 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2960577

You say he takes painkillers. What does he do when he is on them, and how did it start??

After 10 years you are married for all intents and purposes. Please more info as to his behavior?

ylaira · Jul 9, 2008, 06:42 PM

Does he looks possesed when in drugs?

Dreaming07 · Jul 10, 2008, 05:41 AM

When he is taking Percocetes he has an attitude, doesn't want to talk about anything and sometimes he leaves when I am arguing with him because of it. He doesn't look possessed, he just looks " different", his eyes are pin point and his face is drawn in and emotionless. He is a totally different person when he is like that. This started a few years ago but it was only once in a while, not that I accept it, I guess I was in denial, but now its more frequent like 1- 2 times a week or so. But I am really thinking about just giving up, I love him so much and do want to be with him but not like this. Its just sooooo hard because when he isn't on pills he is such a great guy, everyone says what a great person he is etc. And I know what we have when pills aren't involved. I fell like I am falling apart and I am afraid of losing him.

talaniman · Jul 10, 2008, 06:52 AM

When, and why did he start taking the pills, and where does he get them. If its from a doctor, time to talk to him, but you need to make him aware that you will not put up with this behavior, and either he gets help, or gets gone. That simple, and be ready to follow through, as there is help out there for him, if he wants it.

You stay, he goes! You may have to get family or someone close to you involved, for support.

Drug Rehab and Alcoholism Treatment Referral Service

Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Hotline

Make the call!

Romefalls19 · Jul 10, 2008, 07:10 AM

It's time to give this guy the choice, normally I am AGAINST ultimatums but this is affecting your life and your children's so you need to do what is the best for the parties involved. If he doesn't get help, it's only going to lead to worse things and your children do not need that. Take Tal's advice and make the call

Dreaming07 · Jul 10, 2008, 10:19 AM

I know what I have to do. Its just hard getting to that point. He is not prescribed the pills he gets them off the street. I told him today that I am putting my foot down and if things do not change today then he has to get out and stay out. I told him that I know he doesn't take pills everyday but if he doesn't stop completely that he will not be in our kids lives until he stops all together because they do not need that around them. Well will see what happens.

talaniman · Jul 10, 2008, 02:03 PM

Good luck and you have my prayers.