[marmelade5]

So my boyfriend just got a new job an hour away and wants to move to be closer to his coworkers, have less of a drive, etc. I understand why he wants to move, but he is upset because I am not happy about it and have told him I will probably leave if this happens.

I know this sounds selfish, but we have been together for three years and before he started this job we were talking about moving into a house together. I was excited to get to see more of him since I work nights and have established my career already. I only see him 2 days a week anyway and that has been tough. I also know when we had a long distance relationship before that I was extremely lonely and depressed. He never came to visit me and I ended up driving home 2 days a week (a 3 hours drive) just to spend time with him.

I feel like this is exactly what is going to happen again. I don't want to deal with it, it makes me sick to my stomach and I am not good with "change." I have passed up so many opportunities (going to Ireland for a semester and going to graduate school out of state) to stay in this area to be with him and now I feel that as soon as he gets an opportunity he just ups and leaves.

I think for the sake of our relationship he should either move halfway with me (I am willing to compromise but he doesn't want this either) or drive the full hour. He has only worked at his new job for 2 weeks. On top of that, I am getting criticized for being selfish because I have threatened to leave him if he moves, but I am so hurt and resentful I don't know what else to do! Can anyone relate to me on this or am I being a total idiot?

[JBeaucaire]

You're not being an idiot at all. You're completely right in your desire to see your man as much as you can.

He's also completely right to do what he's doing.

I believe you've missed the point. Threating him you are leaving is an attempt on your part to convince him to be more committed to you than he actually is. That is SO not going to work.

After three years don't you think you should have a ring and a wedding date by now? You not only don't have those things, I'd bet you talk about it a LOT less than you'd like.

Just because you've dated so long is no reason to ignore the clear tell-tale sign that things may be coming to a close on this chapter of your life. Your brief story reeks of you being in one place and him being in another emotionally and relationally.

If he follows his plan (and he should), he'll also be in another place geographically. This train has left and you're desparately trying to drag it back into the station.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your guy sounds like he's already checked halfway out and is about to go the rest of the way. An amicable break is the best you can hope for now.

But I have a final question - Don't you WANT to be in a relationship with someone who's chomping at the bit to get into your life? Don't you want a companion who is looking for ways to share more with you and not less?

If you say "yes", then why are you raining on this guy's head so hard? He's not doing either one of those things. Feelings aside, you DO see that, right?

[marmelade5]

You know, I agree with you for the most part, especially about how I deserve someone who wants to share their life with me and loves being near me. Maybe I have portrayed him in a bad light, but I think he does. I don't know.

I have to disagree with the thoughts on marriage. I do not want to be married yet. I am 24, this is my first relationship, and I am the resistant one. I have told him over and over again that I do not want him to propose until I give the green light. I think he somewhat resents me for that, but I see so many failed and unhappy marriages that I want to do it right the first time. I'd rather be with the RIGHT person than have some shiney ring or elaborate wedding planned out.

So my question now is, if you say I'm right and he's also right, then where does that leave us? I've offered to drive halfway which I think is pretty fair. He's telling me he'd rather I stay in my hometown so that he has a place to stay when he comes in on the weekends to see me and his family/friends. I feel like I've become a door-step.

And I don't feel like I'm threatening, I feel like I am telling him what is going to happen. Maybe it's a fact that appears to be an ugly ultimatum, but I don't consider me as the one who is actually "leaving" the relationship. I think that my choice in this is very limited in what he does, and that is fine with me if he leaves. I will find someone else.

Thank you for your honesty and advice. I am still so lost though. I feel like I am moving "backwards" in this relationship and what is really killing me is that I see no way of us moving forward by moving apart. I know other couples must have to deal with something like this, so what do they do? Just shutup and suck it up? Be happy that you get to see your best friend even less than before? I don't know how to just handle it...

[JBeaucaire]

Forgive my misstep on the marriage issue. But it's still relevant.

There's no such thing as "coasting" in relations. You're either growing apart or growing together. It's obvious which it is, in every case people know what's going on. They just don't want to admit it. Human nature, I guess.

Working TOWARD marriage puts specific stresses on a relationship to move it forward or end it. It is a MUCH more honest approach to relationships since it keeps the goal on the table. You sound as if you've taken it off the table and think that makes the issues go away. No, the opposite is true. By removing the marriage issue I firmly believe you endanger the chances of successful relationship from the get go.

A successful relationship is one that grows steadily TOWARD something. No marriage goal, there's nothing to grow toward. No sense of purpose other than just hanging out.

A successful relationship is one that ends because the common grounds needed (other than love feelings and familiarity) to continue can't be attained, one or both realize it, and end the "experiment". This is a SUCCESSFUL relationship.

An unsuccessful relationship is one where it should end and doesn't. An unsuccessful relationship is one that has no "end zone" to shoot for (like I think I would describe yours).

Let me restate it this way, you say you "do not want to be married yet" and give some good reasons, ones I agree are valid. Let me flip that coin over. My belief is that you WOULD want to get married, NOW, if this were truly the right man for you.

At some level you both already know this is probably winding down. Noone wants to be the one to say it out loud, and since it's your first serious relationship, that makes perfect sense. You haven't developed the "moving on" skill at all, have you? Well, it's as important as anything you've learned so far. Maybe more so. The offers to move halfway and such are reasonable ONLY if your relationship is actually growing and prospering. Would you REALLY describe it that way?
============
Life Lesson
I got married at 23. But the only reason I was able to do that was that my first love was when I was 15-17. My second at 18. My 3rd at 20.

I even got engaged to my 3rd and then realized we weren't cut out to be together. We loved each other to DEATH, but saw a play called "Reunion" whose theme was about how people turn out in life. It impacted us so much we drove 100 miles the next night to see it again.

We talked afterward and realized that other than our love for each other, we had little else in common. Love and sex weren't enough to build a life on, so we ended it. It was actually a wonderfully beautiful moment in my life.

One year later, at 21, I met my future wife and we dated for 2 years. I knew 6 months in I was going to ask her to marry me. No, I didn't ask for permission nor would've needed it.
===============
I tell that story to iterate that there is a lot of living to be done and as long as you're not naturally allowing things to come to an end, if that's the natural conclusion to your current story, then the awesome chapters to come can't start.

Starting those chapters is not a failure.

[marmelade5]

To be honest, I don't know if I would be married right now. How is one to know? I keep coming back to the saying people describe "you just know" but I also see people getting married after 6 months when they barely know each other and then work out their differences along the way. There is a study that says after being together for 2 years, all of the "honeymoon" feelings fade away. I almost think you have to get married within that time-frame to kick-start the relationship while you're still a little disillusioned as to how it might turn out. And then you have a 50/50 success rate after that and maybe we just became too relaxed with each other over time so there's no rush to the alter anymore. When I first met him, after six month I definitely thought he was the one, we were going to be married, I would spend forever with him, etc. Then I had to experience the toughest part of our relationship and that was our long distance commutes. It seemed to have taken the passion right out of me because I am so resentful of having to be the one driving all of the time. I have tried for the last 2 years to overcome that resentment and I just don't know how. I let it go some place dark in my mind but it comes back to haunt me, especially at a time like this that is all too familiar.

You know, I don't want to even consider this an "unsuccessful relationship" just yet because I look at all of my previous "relations" with men (and I have dated my share of every type, although I was never officially with them because I was somewhat of a commitment-phobic person and young) and there has not been one instance of any of them truly caring about me as deeply as my boyfriend. None of them have known me like he does to the point where he can read my mind at any given time. He is the one I chose to settle down with out of all of the rest. Maybe I am letting the "failure" factor keep us together, but why do I feel crazy when I am not with him or we are broken up? I feel like someone important to me has died. I always call him back the next day crying and helplessly lonely like I need him back to make it right again.

And why does marriage have to be a goal? To me, the entire idea of marriage is to bind someone into a contract saying they can't have any sexual relations with another person other than their spouse forever and ever. I do not plan on ever cheating on my boyfriend, but I feel that it's human nature for others to change as we get older and putting that type of "forever and ever" stamp on two people is some risky business. You are signing up for something you know nothing about how its going to end up in the future. It's completely unpredictable and bizarre to me that people do this. I think that's why people are chosing to get married later in life (they realize they are now living longer and forever is a long time). I see so many of my coworkers having affairs that it's amazing to me these people continue in their marriages while getting some on "the outside." The usual story is the woman ends up not desiring the man sexually anymore, doesn't give him that level of intimacy and so he looks for it elsewhere. I have seen it happen a million times it makes me sick. Married or not, I would put a very high bet on the fact that my boyfriend is as faithful as they come. He has the right morals and cares enough about me to not hurt my feelings in that way. Why would I leave someone I absolutely trust in that department for the unknown?

I will say that I think it's funny how you used the term "experiment" to label our relationship because from day 1 that is how I have viewed everything. It was so new to me, I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and thank god it came pretty naturally or I would have botched the lab results from the get-go. I adapted fairly well I think, but maybe I never gave this the proper transition from experiment to reality. That could be something that may never happen, or something I need to work on. I'll have to think about it.

At any rate, thank you so much for your sound advice. You couldn't pay a relationship counselor at $150 and hour to get this level of support and guidance. You truly have a gift and it is amazing you are giving it out so freely like this. So I will come clean, the reason I wrote this post is because I found my boyfriend had already started one: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-227215.html and you had given him advice as well. I wanted to at least have someone hear my side of the story, so I thank you for responding to us both in a similar manner. I can at least see your level of consistancy.

But may I ask one question, and it's that you seem so easy to advise someone to give up on a relationship after just a few sentences. You don't know anything about the relationships history, what obstacles it's been through and overcome, yet you are quick to give advice to break up and move on. Is that how you approach every argument you see on this forum, or are there certain cases where you find there may be a hopeful outcome and worth working towards a resolution? I would like to know... because I feel you are somewhat "biased" in your judgements and quick to make a decision that someone might wrongly take to heart when seeking such important guidance from others. For all I know, you could be hitting it right on the money though. I guess time will tell.

[mimi03]

First I'd like to say I think it's great that the both of you came here for help!
It shows you both care enough to actually get ideas to work this out... but you two have to talk to each other to figure this one out and you know that.

I don't understand why you are so quick to say: If you move it's over. Can you truly see a future with this guy?

I've done the long distance thing with my current boyfriend and sadly we may have to do it again in the near future as Grad school approaches, I say this to say that if we must go our separate ways that will break my heart but I'll keep trying to keep our relationship alive until I'm utterly wiped out or he gives up... the disappointment of less time is a big deal but is it a deal breaker?

You two have to compromise if this relationship is to work...

[talaniman]

I do not want to be married yet. I am 24,

That's pretty confusing and if you don't want to marry, and don't want him to pursue his own life, what is it you do want? I suspect a dependency on your part, and a real lack of direction by you both. When there is no specific plan, partners tend to just drift apart.

Let the dust settle and regroup and you both must honestly evaluate this relationship.

Thanks for giving us the other side of the story.

[JBeaucaire]

That's a fair observation and a fair question. But the reason you see it so often in the RELATIONSHIP forum is because of the nature of numbers. Most dating relationships end, and by the time they get to a "helps" forum, we mostly just get to help with triage as it all ends.

In the Relationship Forum I'm constantly reading stories about people exhibiting all the signs of incompatibility and they desparately reach out for some magic on making it work anyway. Instead, I try to get them to be a little more honest about what is happening in their life and to NOT view it as a loss. You see that so much from me in this forum because the people with stories where I detect actual interpersonal issues that can be worked on are very small.

They occur, though. The most common one that comes to mind is people dealing with jealousy, "how do I trust this person who does _____"... and to them my advice is more directed at them not punishing their companion and focus on reality instead of unsubstantiated fears. Those threads are there, and few others.

In the Marriage Forum I am heavily biased in the other direction. In fact in there, I've been accused at least once of saying "put up with everything"... which is sort of actually what I WAS saying. I believe a marriage is capable of withstanding anything thrown at it. I believe it. (Personal safety issues aside).

In my worldview and experience, there is a significant difference between dating and being married. I use the word "experiment' because that's what dating is. Most relationships end because people are smart about the differences or are stupid about their insecurities. Either way it's a process.

Most people go through multiple experiments, learning all along the way, and eventually find themselves at a point where there finally with someone who's at the same point in life they are. Enough of the issues have been ironed out, sacrificial behavior is becoming the standard... so they take the plunge and get married.

For me, at that moment, everything changes. A marriage is a contract. Contracts are WONDERFUL things. They let people know in advance where they stand. The marriage covenant includes some awesome promises including "have and to hold, richer or poorer, sickness and health (this includes emotional), til death do us part."

My wife now knows that there is virtually no chance I would divorce her over an issue, not even something she did... murder, infidelity, criminal behavior... nothing. I'm in it to the end. That assurance allows us to exercise an incredible level of honesty in our life together.

As long as divorce is an option, which it IS for most people, then dishonesty rules every chance it gets.

Anyway, thanks for coming clean and thanks for letting me speech at you a little... I am a wordy critter, huh?

Do me a favor, go back and read my answer to your man again. I didn't counsel you two to break up, I tried to counsel you two to ask specific questions and LIVE with the reality that goes with the honest answers.

3 years is plenty long enough. If sacrificial behavior is not setting in for you two, it's not a sign of lack of love. It's a sign of continued self-focus. There's absolutely nothing wrong with people focusing on what is best for themselve. It's an important thing.

BUT... you have both now posted on this geography issue indicating it's not such a small thing. He felt you had given him an ultimatum, and either way, it's important to note what is happening between you two. I see him wanting to make move for career further minimizing your relationship. I see you closer to my way of thinking on what's going on.

If you're going to stay together, you BOTH have start elevating the other in your own decision-making. Period. It has to happen. It should happen JOYFULLY. Sacrificial love is its own reward.

I am sorry to report that based on your stories, I don't see this going on. (novel ends)

[talaniman]

I think your right JB, there is a lot of self interest, and not enough us, in both partners. Usually not a bad thing, but it does need addressing.

[marmelade5]

Thank you all for responding, I don't know how to answer all of your questions so I'll just be general about it.

Here is a status update -

We both have been talking seriously and I think things are going to work out. I will admit I had an absolute freak out when I found out he was moving, but he is only going halfway and I was just being a brat about having to go out of my way to see him. I was selfish, I admit that, and giving someone an ultimatum is a form of control over and not love for a person. I also think this "ultimatum" involved more than just this moving bit, but that is a story for another day... but regardless no one deserves that.

I will be taking all of your life lessons and advice to heart with me in the coming months, and we will see how this all pans out. I do care about him deeply and hope everything turns out for the best, but you know I'll be signing up for the triage treatment if not!

Thanks again, and best wishes to you all!!

[JBeaucaire]

That is really good to hear. And I am very glad to hear you accepting the reality of your participation in the problems. Being in love is EASY. Acting loving, accepting the inconvenience(s) and sacrifices that go with love... THAT is hard. But it's oh so worth it.

Keep us updated!