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plonak · Jun 6, 2008, 03:33 PM

Hey guys,

My boyfriend and I have been having problems lately and I finally broke up with him today. He has so many problems and issues that it is making it impossible for me to be with him, he is bringing me down with him..

He has an addictive personality and that was what ruined the relationship. He's addicted to gambeling now, and relapsed last night.

I guess I'm not really asking a question, Im just looking for support.. I feel so beyond horrible right now, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I don't know how I'm going to move on.. We wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives together and I can't believe it's over.

Any words of encouragement would be most appreciated guys, I love you all and thank you in advance for helping me.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 6, 2008, 03:49 PM

I know you feel like you are completely alone right now and that you will never feel good again... Its almost an unbearable pain, but you are not the only one who has felt it. I am almost at the 1.5 month mark from my break up to a 4 year relationship. I also was the one who ended it (not because I wanted to though... I really didn't) but I had to get out like you, for my own good. You totally did the right thing and you should be extremely proud of yourself for doing what you did. I felt sick to my stomach after it happened, and while I am still not there (still got ways to go) I feel leaps and bounds better than I did in the first week. Just keep telling yourself that it will get easier with time, that you did do the right thing, and YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN!! Trust me, almost everyone goes through what you are going through. Read those sticky posts, they help a lot. You are going to be OK, I PROMISE. And whenever you need to talk just get your butt on here and vent. Everyone is here for you and wants to help you. You are not alone!!

liz28 · Jun 6, 2008, 04:02 PM

You will get over it in time so don't don't worry too much. You feeling this way because you had a past and that all he is now, the past. The future will be brighter and your heart will heal in time,give yourself that and your heart will heal. I wish there was a magic portion to make the process easiler, but there's not now. Stick by your decision and what don't kill you makes you stronger.Every day it will be a struggle, a struggle that everyone on here will help you with. Don't listen to sad music or sad movie, try, as hard as it sounds, to stay busy.

JBeaucaire · Jun 6, 2008, 04:19 PM

It's so hard being a grownup and making choices not based on love alone, isn't it? Remember when we were 15 and love ruled the universe? *sigh*

Anyway, you're so smart to be able to demand a healthy man in the one role in your life that allows him the most influence over you. His problems WILL be your problems, his weaknesses your burden to bear. Knowing NOW what you are willing to live with forever and what you are not is refreshingly mature.

Good for you. You are going to be SO glad someday you did this. Not today, and that's OK. The pain is a sign you're a loving person. But it will subside, love will come again, perhaps several times before "he" arrives.

Enjoy each adventure.

Chery · Jun 6, 2008, 06:08 PM

My dear,

You know me well enough by now to notice that I seldom mince words. I personally know a lot about addictions, and am proud that you are mature enough to realize that you don't want to take on this burden.

You have a right to a content life without carrying the garbage of other's who do not want to clean up their lives themselves. In my opinion this shows that you have more strength and you too will get over a relationship not meant for you.

Yes it does hurt, because you shared a lot and you will have your memories. But, you also know that if you stay with him, you will have more bad memories than good - and that serves neither of you.

You made your choice and gave him the opportunity to make his - he can get straight and have an eventful life, or drag himself deeper into ruin - but he has to realize that he has no right to take anyone he claims he loves down with him.

You know we will be here for you any time you need to vent, so don't keep it all to yourself.

You did the right thing honey, and a great big thumbs up to you.

We learn from our mistakes - maybe he'll learn from his.

starlite1 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:13 PM

Hi Plonak,

I am so proud of you!! I know you are hurting right now, but honey, you did the absolute right thing. Be proud, and know that one day soon, you will be with someone who you will be totally happy with and who will love and respect you, because you deserve that! :)

997793 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:40 PM

Look your hurting cause you know you love the guy, but what you did was good he needs to learn when enough is enough, and that what he does effects more than just him. "let love go if it comes back its meant to be" that is one of my favorite love qoutes. If he reall y loves you I'm sure he will ship up, everythin will be okay.

Stringer · Jun 6, 2008, 07:46 PM

Someone very smart once told me that it is the sane one that usually makes the decision to leave a bad relationship. You probably made the correct decision.

The above poster was right; we are not 15 again, where "love" rules everything even making intelligent decisions. But we still do have hearts and thus emotions. Keep busy, be with friends (possibly ones that don't know him) and stay as strong as you can dear.When you are ready there are a lot of great guys out there... guys that have their heads on straight.

Good lock we are pulling for you,
Stringer

plonak · Jun 7, 2008, 11:42 AM

Thank you everyone for your words, I can't express how much it helps to have your support.. all of you truly are a God send.

We talked on the phone last night and I guess got more closure. He's in denial I think, he still believes that we are going to be together. I tried to be diserning and tried not to hurt him too much by saying No I'm never getting back with you , I just told him I'm not making any promises.

Yesterday was so hard, any moment I was alone I couldn't stand it. I would cry my eyes out.. I couldn't eat, my stomach wouldn't hold anything down. I went back to my friends house and kept my mind busy

Today I just woke up and really haven't let it sink in yet.. I need that for my well being.. I am going to write a list of things that really bothered me about him and I'm going to look at it when I feel like calling him..

Thanks again guys (sorry so long)

jrsg · Jun 7, 2008, 02:09 PM

Sounds like you made the right decision, especially with the gambling problem. If you two had kids or something, a gambling problem could have ruined their lives, as well as yours. You made the right decision. Be proud of yourself for making a mature, intelligent decision.
:)

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

It's so hard being a grownup and making choices not based on love alone, isn't it? Remember when we were 15 and love ruled the universe? *sigh*

O god... I am 16, and your telling me this gets harder!:eek:

JBeaucaire · Jun 7, 2008, 08:16 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

O god... I am 16, and your telling me this gets harder!:eek:

**blush** I'm so sorry. Yes, it get's harder, because when you're older in you're responsible for so much more... your rent, your bills, your taxes, your friendships, being a role model to people younger who are looking up to you... oh my the list gets longer every year.

But that's also the beauty of it. At 16 you get to pass on most of that, and your relationships feel so much more critical since they represent most of what you have going on. That will change, and for the better.

BTW, now that I know you're only 16, I can absolutely promise you you will be deeply in love, probably several times, before your final "it" man arrives. I truly hope you fully enjoy and cherish each experience.

jrsg · Jun 7, 2008, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

**blush** I'm so sorry. Yes, it get's harder, because when you're older in you're responsible for so much more...you rent, your bills, your taxes, your friendships, being a role model to people younger who are looking up to you...oh my the list gets longer every year.

But that's also the beauty of it. At 16 you get to pass on most of that, and your relationships feel so much more critical since they represent most of what you have going in. That will change, and for the better.

BTW, now that I know you're only 16, I can absolutely promise you you will be deeply in love, probably several times, before your final "it" man arrives. I truly hope you fully enjoy and cherish each experience.

Thanks JB, I know the future relationships I will have will probably just be high school sweetheart kind of things, maybe even shorter, until that final 'it' girl and I will love every relationship. Remember the good times, and forget (but learn from) the bad, right?
Thanks JB

plonak · Jun 8, 2008, 11:48 AM

Hey guys,

I feel so horrible right now... I asked him not to contact me becaue it makes it really hard for me.. but he texted me twice last night.. and left a voicemail crying that he misses me.. I don't know what to do! It makes it so hard to hear the pain in his voice.. I feel horrible.

I shouldn't answer the texts right? Because then he's going to learn that it works when he breaks no contact..

Should I just not even read the text message when it comes in? I don't think I could ever do that

liz28 · Jun 8, 2008, 12:17 PM

When you get a text from him don't open it, delete it.

When he leaves you a voicemail, if your phone tells you the phone number before hand, delete it.

If you read the text and listen to the voicemail its only makes it harder. I know I been through this before, I never heard my ex cry until I ended the relationship and it made me sad and I almost gave in, but I get stronger and start doing the things I told you, eventually I had to change my #.

I might be in the same boat as you because I'm thinking of ending my current relationship with my boyfriend.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 8, 2008, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

When you get a text from him dont open it, delete it.

When he leaves you a voicemail, if your phone tells you the phone number before hand, delete it.

If you read the text and listen to the voicemail its only makes it harder. I know I been through this before, I never heard my ex cry until I ended the relationship and it made me sad and I almost gave in, but I get stronger and start doing the things I told you, eventually I had to change my #.

I might be in the same boat as you because I'm thinking of ending my current relationship with my boyfriend.

Liz is totally right, don't respond at all, and if you can help it don't even read or listen to the messages... I know that's hard, I have tried to do that and failed. But I can tell you it just makes things a million times harder. Just remember, you are going to feel better one day, I promise, keep telling yourself that. NC is the only way to really heal yourself.

plonak · Jun 8, 2008, 08:28 PM

Hey guys,

So I deleted my myspace right now, but before I deleted it, I went to save all my pictures (of us two) on my computer and it was torture saving them because I had to click on them in the process of saving them.. well I almost lost it.. I think it was too soon to be doing that.. I feel really bad right now

My boyfriend was really good looking.. he was exactly my taste and to me he was perfect in that way.. I'm just worried I'm not going to meet someone again that is as good looking as he was.. my aunt thought he was really hot and I know that when I tell her I broke up with him she's going to make a comment about his looks and everything..

I know this isn't healthy guys, I'm sorry.. I think I went on myspace way too soon.. THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD!

liz28 · Jun 8, 2008, 08:41 PM

There a lot of cute guys in this world and I hope your just venting and really don't think this. No matter how hot he was look how he treated and how bad of an addiction he have to alcohol. If your aunt places looks over the way he treat you its not a good way of thinking.

Maybe that might be the reason its hard because of his looks, but looks are deciving.

I really just think your venting on the looks part though and remember everyday you take a step forward instead of back. It will be hard and I wish there were a magic portion to make the process faster and smoother, I guess that's only for the movies and cartoons.

Be Strong!

plonak · Jun 9, 2008, 09:16 AM

Liz,

Yeah I was just venting.. I'm not that shallow.. I just think he is beautiful and it will take a while for me to get over that.

For his defense he never had an alcohol problem with me. He's been sober for 3 years (before we even knew each other) and he has never been stronger on that part of his life.. he will never relapse with his alcohol..

It was his other behaviors that made it impossible to be with him.. gambeling, bad spending habits, bad decision making.. that kind of stuff

Chery · Jun 9, 2008, 03:44 PM

Hi dear..

You know what you are going through, and you'll probably make a few more 'dumb' moves too soon, but you are human - and we all stumble a little on this path. Just remember where you've been and where you plan on going - and then take one step at a time.

My ex-husband looked like Kevin Costner but he still wound up being a spouse abuser. One wonderful man in my life was shorter than me, red hair and red freckles - not the 'looker' for everyone, but he was SUPER inside. Too bad I realized that too late. So, looks are not everything.

As for the alcohol issue - he might not need that anymore, but he does substitute one crutch for another at a whim, so he does need professional help to get his stuff in order. Again, do not feel guilty for not wanting to be one of his crutches.

Until next time, keep that chin up and stay with us.

moon80 · Jan 6, 2010, 02:08 PM

I'm going tru the same thing right now ,I know we are done for some reason I can't find the courage to leave(I feel stupid)for saying it but its true.he and his family are all so negative and has change me along the process making me negative too.how to you find the courage to move on .I been with him almost 3 yrs and we also where planning on getting married. I wish you the best I really do and reading what others have wrote to you has made me feel someone better. I need to find your courage within me.