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Cconfused · Jun 3, 2008, 08:36 PM

Hi,
My boyfriend/pseudo-fiance broke up with me after dating me for 5 years. It has sent me into this whirlwind of confused emotions. I was very much in love with him, and though we had some hard times, we had worked through them and I was very excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He has some deep-seated commitment issues––he comes from a divorced family and as the oldest child, witnessed the worst of it. The main problem was that I didn't want a big family, though I felt that if it wasn't that it would be something else to put off marriage (for example, first it was smoking which I quit for him). I did want a family but I felt that if I was a full-time mother of 5-6 kids then I couldn't pursue MY dreams of music. I thought maybe we could compromise... we have less kids and I take off from doing music full-time while they were young. But he was so wishy-washy, he broke off our relationship three times! He kept coming back because he loved me so much and I know that he really did love me. I guess I don't what I should do. He said before that he would give me the ring (he had it--we had to delay the buying because of finances) after we broke up, and it seems odd that he hasn't, nor the birthday present that he already bought me. In addition, in his break-up e-mail he said that I am the first person that he has truly loved and that I have effected him more than anyone else in his life. He hasn't talked to me in a month and half. He is very slow to act, but it so hard for me because I feel like he was my best friend and now I can't talk to him. There is someone else who is interested in me but I just feel like I'm such a mess of emotions that it would not be fair to start something with him when I feel so strongly for my ex-fiance. Should I finally just give up hope? Any insights, advice?

simoneaugie · Jun 3, 2008, 09:08 PM

It sounds as if your fiancé has unresolved issues. Couple's couselling may help to clear things up. Getting him to do that, if you two are not talking, may be impossible.

Counselling or no contact until your heart has healed are the only solutions I see.

Cconfused · Jun 3, 2008, 09:17 PM

Originally Posted by Cconfused

Hi,
My boyfriend/pseudo-fiance broke up with me after dating me for 5 years. It has sent me into this whirlwind of confused emotions. I was very much in love with him, and though we had some hard times, we had worked through them and I was very excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He has some deep-seated commitment issues––he comes from a divorced family and as the oldest child, witnessed the worst of it. The main problem was that I didn't want a big family, though I felt that if it wasn't that it would be something else to put off marriage (for example, first it was smoking which I quit for him). I did want a family but I felt that if I was a full-time mother of 5-6 kids then I couldn't pursue MY dreams of music. I thought maybe we could compromise...we have less kids and I take off from doing music full-time while they were young. But he was so wishy-washy, he broke off our relationship three times! He kept coming back because he loved me so much and I know that he really did love me. I guess I don't what I should do. He said before that he would give me the ring (he had it--we had to delay the buying because of finances) after we broke up, and it seems odd that he hasn't, nor the birthday present that he already bought me. In addition, in his break-up e-mail he said that I am the first person that he has truly loved and that I have effected him more than anyone else in his life. He hasn't talked to me in a month and half. He is very slow to act, but it so hard for me because I feel like he was my best friend and now I can't talk to him. There is someone else who is interested in me but I just feel like I'm such a mess of emotions that it would not be fair to start something with him when I feel so strongly for my ex-fiance. Should I finally just give up hope? Any insights, advice?

Yes, unfortunately we are not talking. Since he broke up with me, I did not think it was right to call him.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 3, 2008, 10:43 PM

Good call not calling him, he knows your number and you contacting him would do nothing to help the situation. I think you should just assume its over, and start trying to move on. I can see that being pretty hard for you as he has come back in the past. You also have to ask yourself if that is acceptable to you, this is now 4 times that he has left you. I know you love him deeply but love is blind. Think logically about this now, do you really think you deserve this, and could you ever really trust him not to walk out on you again when things got tough... especially when you are married and there are kids in the picture... I miss the hell out of my ex, and I love her a lot still, but I know I can't put up with how she treated me, and I know I deserve better. Its going to be super tough, but I know that in the end I will end up on top, and I will be happier with someone else... I am not saying you have to think like me... but I want you to seriously ask yourself what your worth and what you really deserve in life.

Romefalls19 · Jun 4, 2008, 06:04 AM

Move on, you don't need a loser like this in your life. Start No Contact and heal yourself for your own well being

damaged · Jun 4, 2008, 06:24 AM

Is good that you guys don't talk because you are already in your 1 1/2 month of NC... just like the posts before said : you should forget about him(it will be hard-no doubt).. but this guy is messing with your heart... Let him go and just take care of yourself... It gets easier with time.. Some days will suck, but others won't be so bad... Move on because you deserve someone who's in it for the long run- through thick & thin with you...
& every time you need to talk, come to this site... People are awesome here!

liz28 · Jun 4, 2008, 11:27 AM

You don't need someone in your life that's in and out, he sounds very confuse and unsure of want he wants. Everybody knows relationship takes work and this is something is why not willing to do. Did he really break-up with you through e-mail, if so he's a coward. Be glad that your never got marry otherwise you would be seeking advice on divorce instead of a broken heart.

Your heart will heal in time and so far your doing good by having no contact with him and that shows your strong will power. It good you realize starting a new relationship is no good for yourself and the next guy. Keep it up and keep busy.

Even though you was with him for 5 years, I bet you learned a lot, and that the key because when learn from our mistake, and I hope you don't ever let someone treat you this way again. Next time you will be mor secure in your wants and don't wants and will leave sooner when the person you with don't want the same things you want.

starlite1 · Jun 4, 2008, 11:57 AM

Hi CConfused,

I totally feel for you, and I am so sorry that you are hurting and this is happening to you. I was reading your story, and OMG, it is so similar to what I am going through!

You are doing the right thing by having no contact (NC), I know it is so hard... We are all for you though!

Cconfused · Jun 4, 2008, 08:33 PM

Thanks all so much all for your insights. It's been good to hear from other people who aren't my best friends (who, though I love them, are completely biased). You have been so encouraging... I now have a renewed strength in moving forward. I think this time especially hard for me because this was my first clean break from him (the other 2 times we communicated back and forth but the marriage question would eventually pop up leaving us in the same place) and I have had to completely rebuild my life and future since. But I realize I deserve someone better. To respond to damaged's comment... you people ARE awesome here!