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dreaming08 · May 13, 2008, 07:51 AM

A little about myself first, I am 18 and just graduated from high school. I met my current boyfriend at the beginning of January and we started going out on Valentines Day. He treats me how I should be treated and we get along very well, for the most part. The other day I did find out that he asked his ex-girlfriend (that happens to be pregnant by him-don't worry we didn't even know each other when that happened) to pay his car payment. And he told me that his step-mom was going to pay it. I haven't really had the best guy-figures in my life. I don't see my father, neither do I talk to him. Almost every guy that I've looked up to in my life has cheated, and it puts a damper in my trust for guys. So naturally when I find out that he lied to me about who was paying his car payment I check into it a bit more and find out they have been texting too much. I do know most of the night texts were when they were fighting because I was next to him. But, I did confront him about it, and he told me that he does check in with her once or twice a week to see how she is doing since she's pregnant with his kid. I understand somewhat about the situation and that they still need to talk, all I ask him is that he is honest with me. He told me he didn't think it was a big deal that he checks up on her, and he did apologize for lying about his car payment. (which we have money put back for-so I have NO idea why he needed someone to pay it anyway). I just want some advice on the situation and if I over-reacted. And I want some advice on how to trust him more. He hasn't done anything to not make me trust him besides the car thing, and the story he told me about texting is the same story his ex told me, because I called her.

Please help me!

JBeaucaire · May 13, 2008, 11:37 AM

You two do not know each very well at all. So trust isn't the issue here, set that aside in your thinking.

You two DO like each other, that's why you're going out, even calling each other bf/gf. Ok. Fair enough.

But now you're at the point where you're analyzing what you're learning about him and whether you like it enough to put up with it forever... or not. Notice I'm not talking about how you feel about him, right? His actions, his habits, his ability to have a GOOD relationship with you has nothing to do with your or his feelings at all.

You're dating a guy with a LOT of baggage. Make sure NOW you're okay sharing your one and only "forsaking all others" guy with another woman (and child) forever. Decide that NOW.

If yes, best to start working on being great friends with her. You'll need it. She's going nowhere, ever. Mother of his child and all, she will be a 5th wheel in your life, so embrace her.

If no, admit it and agree NOT to make his life miserable. You can break up and be friends and call that a success. Staying together and turning into distrusting hateful snipers... what kind of life is that?

The texting, the car payment, all that is meaningless. Even the trust thing. This is all about YOU and how much drama you are going to CHOOSE, in advance, to allow in your one and only most intimate relationship.

Choose wisely.

Chery · May 13, 2008, 11:56 AM

JB is absolutely right dear.

You two are young, but he has baggage already and if you think for a moment that you might not be able to cope with this, then please don't plan a future with him. But if after getting to know him better, growing with him, and finding that he is a worthy partner, you will have to accept his baggage. Time, attitude and communication will let you know what choice to make.

A history of no 'father figures' or not trusting men in your life can complicate things only if you dwell on them and use this as an excuse to build an unfounded wall. Not all men are alike. Not all fathers are perfect. You have to judge each one for himself as they enter and influence your life.

Here's hoping that your journey to adulthood is not paved with the bumps of the past doubts.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

talaniman · May 15, 2008, 07:41 AM

dreaming08 agrees: I understand there is alot of baggage. But I am ready for it. I understand everyone has a past and I can't hold that against him.

Then you must stop confronting him and looking over his shoulder when he deals with his babies mama. Are you living together?

dreaming08 · May 15, 2008, 11:14 AM

We are living together right now. He lives at my house with me.

dreaming08 · May 15, 2008, 11:20 AM

There is an update as of today!
He did say it was wrong of him to ask her for the money for the car payment. He said that he is only going to call her once every few weeks, instead of days to check on the baby. But other than that, they are done texting!

talaniman · May 15, 2008, 01:43 PM

I am 18 and just graduated from high school. I met my current boyfriend at the beginning of January and we started going out on Valentines Day

We are living together right now. He lives at my house with me.

I assume your still living at home with your parents, so I can only tell you to slow down, and see things in a realistic way, before you start making a lot of demands, about his other family. He may agree for a while. But its his business he has to tend to. You haven't known each other very long, and I understand the trust is shakey at times, but don't let it interfere with the learning, and growing process.

plonak · May 15, 2008, 02:18 PM

I agree with the other answers. This relationship is very new and you're very young. I give you kudos for accepting him for who he is now and not judging him on his past, but his past will always be there (baby) and could get in the way of your relationship.. Let's face it, the babies mama is always going to be in the picture and so on.. just keep a level head and mind, and when of if things get really difficult, just know that you're not stuck like he is.. don't rush into marriage or anything permanent. Be smart.