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franks1185 · May 5, 2008, 09:28 AM

I have been talink and haing out with my girlfriend for about 4 months but we never made it official until about 1 month ago. I am 22 she is 21. Some background info she broke up with her boyfriend last year who she dated for 5 years and it ended badly and she was very hurt by it and she told me that. She told me her biggest fear was being hurt again... this time by me.

Everything was going fine in the relationship, then last week she started to act a little differently and I knew it. I called her out on it and she said that she felt squashed with everything she works everyday almost, school, finals, and me wanting to hang out with her more often then she wanted to be with me I guess. She said she needed some time and space. I was very understanding gave her time and space, we talked daily ( we have 3 classes together) though but I never brought up anything about wanting to hang out with her or such because I didn't want to seem clingy.

Well after that talk I noticed during the week she seemed so much more happy and less stressed and things seemed to be fine. She told me on Thursday that we should do something Friday I said sure if she wanted to do something just let me know. Well she didn't call me Friday and I was with my friends about to drink and didn't want to get drunk and have to pick her up ( I guess by writing this I am starting to see I worried maybe a bit too much) so I texted her saying "hey did you still plan on doing something tonight" I made sure to word it where I wasn't asking her to hang out. She said no not tonight.

Anyway I knew she was being weird again and last night we talked and I told her she was being very distant with me. And she said she knows she has. She said she is very confused and doesn't know why/ what she wants right now. She said we should take a break and this time she said we need to sit apart from each other in class.

With all this she said that she thinks she is making a huge mistake by doing all of this!! :confused: and that she is just confused and doesn't know why this came to this. She said she sort of felt that my feelings for her were more then what she had for me and that's what made her confused. And she said how her relationship was for 5 years and then how it ended and it means nothing now.she said she still would like to talk to me and enjoys hanging out with me but I told her its impossible to go from sleeping with someone to just being friends and not having those urges again.

I guess I should start the no contact thing now. I told her I can't be with her if she is confused and I'm not, that its unfair.

I just need to know how long should I give this no contact thing, given our relationship was only a month. I know a month is not long but I really had strong hopes for this girl and I'm really hurting right now. Sorry to make this such a long message there's even more I can add but maybe I will in subsequent messages. Its just that I need to get some closure at some point given some of the subtle comments she made.

bigbird213 · May 5, 2008, 12:46 PM

First of all: How long ago did she leave her 5 year relationship?

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like you were a rebound. A 5 year relationship will no doubt take a long time to get over, and you guys were only together for a month (4 at most) before she started flaking out on you.

franks1185 · May 5, 2008, 01:43 PM

She left it a little over a year ago. She said that I was first the guy she had feelings for since then she is very confused and not sure if she is ready for another serious relationship... I am really hurt and I hope she does realize that leaving me was a mistake like she said but I can't get my hopes up I guess. I am leaving to go home for the summer I am interning with JPMorgan this summer in the city and she lives upsate NY. I am just at that stage now where it feels like you will never meet someone like them again, and its weird going from talking everyday to just nothing... she hurt me big time

franks1185 · May 5, 2008, 05:56 PM

Any advice please...

franks1185 · May 5, 2008, 05:56 PM

Any advice please...

talaniman · May 5, 2008, 10:48 PM

I just need to know how long should I give this no contact thing, given our relationship was only a month.

Accept that she is not ready for a relationship, and simply move ahead with your life. She needs a lot of time, and space, so give it to her. I think she got into a relationship with you, and moved to fast, before she was ready. Sorry guy, let this one go. Keep NC, until you can accept her as a friend with no other expectations.

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 04:54 AM

I know what you are saying... its tough though, I have been with quite a few girls and none of them made me feel the way she did. I have a date tonight with a goregous girl that any other time in my life I would be so pumped I got a date with her, but right now all I want is my girlfriend back. I would be really tough to patch things up especially since I'm going to be interning in the city and she will be upstate. I want to just work something out where we can stay in touch and see what happens from there when I get back..

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 04:56 AM

But I don't not want to fall to deep into a friend zone where I can't get out of it either...

talaniman · May 6, 2008, 06:08 AM

We have all faced that dilemma, as shown by all who post here. You are not alone. Heal, and see how you feel later. No Contact will help you see things in a more realistic light, and enable you to make better decisions based on facts, and not just emotion. Yes it will be the hardest thing you have done in your young life, but the benefits later down the road will be awesome.

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 06:44 AM

Tal ty for your advice... on my way driving to school today my conscious really did clear up and I did see the problem... I was falling for her faster then she was for me and that bothered her... she told me it was rough for her because her last relationship... now I know I want to tell her this and that I see things clearly from her point of view and she was right, but I know I can't call her and be tell her this because then she will think I'm just saying this so we get back together... I know this was the only thing that really caused this break, and to be honest I think this break was the best thing that happened because now I see things from her eyes.

But here is the big question from what I learned from this, have you ever heard of a couple getting back together from a problem like this ? In one sense I'm glad it happened in the early stages which makes me think if you fix the problem early on it can work out ?

Im not going to call her and tell her this like I said, I will let my actions speak more then my words. When I talk to her (when she confronts me) I will only make a subtle comment to let her know I see things clearly and stronger. I do hope that she gives me another chance when this does happen... as I really felt that we had a special bond together.

talaniman · May 6, 2008, 08:15 AM

She wasn't willing to work with you, and therefore you leave it alone, and forget the expectation of a second chance, or even getting more closure than you have. Reality- the special bond you speak of, was not enough to overcome your issues, nor was it as mutual as you thought.

bigbird213 · May 6, 2008, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by franks1185

tal ty for your advice....on my way driving to school today my concious really did clear up and i did see the problem....I was falling for her faster then she was for me and that bothered her.....she told me it was rough for her because her last relationship....now i know i want to tell her this and that i see things clearly from her point of view and she was right, but i know i can't call her and be tell her this because then she will think im just saying this so we get back together...i know this was the only thing that really caused this break, and to be honest i think this break was the best thing that happened because now i see things from her eyes.

But here is the big question from what I learned from this, have you ever heard of a couple getting back together from a problem like this ? in one sense im glad it happened in the early stages which makes me think if you fix the problem early on it can work out ?

Im not going to call her and tell her this like i said, I will let my actions speak more then my words. When i talk to her (when she confronts me) I will only make a subtle comment to let her know i see things clearly and stronger. I do hope that she gives me another chance when this does happen...as i really felt that we had a special bond together.

Your treading on dangerous territory -- hope. Your best bet is to assume its over for good. Live you life like you will never be together again in the future, otherwise all of your actions will have an alternative motive. In the end, this will only slow down your healing process and hurt you more.

Take my experience for example: A year ago my girlfriend broke up with me. I held onto hope for a few months and it took me over 6 months to finally start getting better. Problem is, as soon as I was starting to feel better, she came back. Well I took her back and here I am a year later and were not together again. If only I had lived as if we weren't getting back together I would have been better able to make a clear decision when she came back -- that's where you want me be.

Be careful and take care.

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 08:26 AM

I wrote this letter to her and sometime next week I am going to leave it at her house before I leave to go home for the summer. Ive been with a lot of girls in my life even though I'm 22 and I know she is the one and I can't let her get away without an effort to get it back.

"Hey how are you doing ? I hope everything is well with you. I am writing this to let you know how I feel.

Do not take this the wrong way, but I think this break was the best thing to happen to me. You were not the one who needed time and space, it was ME. My mind was so clouded and I was moving so fast without understanding the hurt you went through in your past relationship, and that you wanted to takes things slower for your well being. Its amazing how some time spent alone can really clear the mind.

I don't want you to think im being that clingy guy that doesnt get the idea of when something is over or not. I had to write this to just let you know what has changed in me. I still do have feelings for you but they are more clear now. When you are ready to call me , if ever, please dont hesitate, I dont want you to feel like an because I said you hurt me when you asked for a break. I was hurt then but now I am feeling better and stronger. You really are a smart and determined girl and know what you want in life, and I admire that.

I do hope that maybe we can work things out and would like to stay in contact with you over the summer even if we need to start out just as friends again. Maybe us being apart for the summer is for the better, because it would force things to happen slowly and how they are meant to happen.

I know alot of times we have one shot at things in life , if you dont want to give us another chance I understand. You probably already have made up your mind with what you want, but in case you didnt and were hoping I could see and understand what you were feeling, I do now and hope it is not too late. I ed up and wasn't being understanding of your emotions at the time and I am sorry. When things were good between us I really felt that we had a special bond and really think we can make something special out of that.

I Hope all is well with you, and no matter what happens I wish the best for you."

talaniman · May 6, 2008, 08:30 AM

Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle, before you think of delivering that letter. Its like drunk dialing, not a good idea at this time.

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 08:31 AM

I understand your guys comments on probably dead on. But since I have been thinking more clearly now I think it was ME who wasn't willing to work out with her. However I feel so much better writing that because that letter will be my closure. Either I was right in that I was the one who ed up, or I am wrong and I move on. We will see, I have 2 dates set up this week both who are knock outs, but I need to know something is over for good before I can my game face back on. Cheers and thanks for help, I'll let you know how things work out, however they end up I guess I just have to live how my dad told me "Son, It is what it is". Later all

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 08:32 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle, before you think of delivering that letter. Its like drunk dialing, not a good idea at this time.

Yea... this is actually my 2nd letter... my firstt one from 2 days ago was definitely like drunk dialing... I ripped that one up

bigbird213 · May 6, 2008, 08:45 AM

Don't deliver the letter unless you can accept the fact that you might not hear a thing from her. It isn't healthy to deliver the letter hoping to get a response, because that will just prolong your healing process.

Good luck

franks1185 · May 6, 2008, 08:58 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Dont deliver the letter unless you can accept the fact that you might not hear a thing from her. It isn't healthy to deliver the letter hoping to get a response, because that will just prolong your healing process.

Good luck

No I think I can accept no response, I will take that as its over. The way our conversation ended was that she "said we need to take a break and see how this break goes" and she kept saying she was making a mistake by needing this. I really think I fell too fast for her and she wasn't ready to fall that much into a guy yet because of being hurt so bad in her last relationship. And I couldn't see/understand what she meant by that, and guess I wasn't being understand of how she needed to take things slower because she was nervous she would be hurt again.

If she doesn't repspond its over. But I can't just let a girl I held such so high hopes for slip through my fingers, especially now that I feel I realize the problem. If she responds and is happy I see things clearly now that's great, if not I have a date we 2 beautiful girls this week and won't have to feel guilty if something happens.

talaniman · May 6, 2008, 10:56 AM

Your making excuses. Justification+rationalization=denial.

But i can't just let a girl i held such so high hopes for slip through my fingers,

I guess its asking too much to give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle.

franks1185 · May 7, 2008, 06:41 AM

Tal thank you again... I had a long talk with my cousin and a older friend who are both married now, and went through at least 7 breaks with their love before getting married. My cousin told me it can be a part of the game and she can be hoping you grow to understand what she meant or she could just be a confused girl all together and not know anything she wants in life now. He told me to write a letter ( my new one is completely different, it mentions nothing of me wanting her back just that I see her point of view now) He told me not to get my hopes up but that the same thing happened to him and now he is married has a child and is the happiest he can be. If my letter works, which if it does I expect it to take a while, I may end up starting as a friend and taking babysteps from there but whatever. If she doesn't try to contact me then I know its over and got everything off my chest that I needed to. I had a few girls who read the letter to make sure I did not sound clingly or anything like that lol.