[Windshield21]

My girlfriend and I broke up because she was away at college and us being apart was too much for her dependence issues. So she got attached to someone else just because I wasn't around. When summer comes I know they will not be able to continue the relationship and she will come running back to me. I will be seeing her over spring break for the first time in like two months. Her family agrees that she is making a mistake but have not really done anything aside from a few talks. When I see her I wanted to talk to her mom about the situation, here is my question: should I tell her mom how I feel and ask her to help me out by trying to get it through her head that she needs to re-evaluate what she is doing. Or should I just talk to my ex telling her basically "this is it I'm setting you free if you love me you will come back" and that she can't have it both ways. I know the second option is the appropriate one but I feel like if I don't talk to her mom I might be missing a huge opportunity.

[duck22]

I'm in a similar situation as you and curious about what others will tell you. I do not think you should involve her mother or try to convince her to stay with you. However, I also do not think you should wait around for her while she's out "exploring the waters." No matter how much you think she will come back I would not hold on to that notion because it is not a certainty. I think at this point you should live your life as if she is no longer a part of it. If you two are meant to be then it will happen but do not live your life waiting on her.

[Windshield21]

The more I think about it the more I feel the mom thing is probably a bad idea. I had quite a few nice things lined up for spring break but I think I'm going to leave it at "this is your choice you have to live with it". Doing nice things for her would just all around be a bad idea right?

[Chery]

The more I think about it the more I feel the mom thing is probably a bad idea. I had quite a few nice things lined up for spring break but i think I'm going to leave it at "this is your choice you have to live with it". Doing nice things for her would just all around be a bad idea right?

duck22 is right.. leave her Mom out of it. We Moms love our children and don't like being placed in the middle or forced to take sides - and it's unfair of you to even think of that.
Also, why not do the nice things you planned for spring break? That might be just what she needs after all the stress of learning - how about making her holiday unforgettable so that she sees how great a guy you can be. Are you the type that thinks that she only deserves your favors if she kisses your feet and avoids the rest of the world. Should you be the center of her new universe just because you have to stay where you are - that sounds childish. You should be proud that your girl has a chance for a future, better job, knowledge, and still willing to see you and share what part of life that she can with you. You don't own her. If she comes to you it will be of her own free will and she will have her reasons. If she decides to go on with her life, then maybe you are the one with blinders on and not ready to look at a wider picture. If you really love someone, you give them the space and chance to advance and learn all they want to - not hold them back with threats. Just because she 'sees' guys at school does not mean she is sleeping with them - or do you have a crystal ball telling you different.
Wait and talk to her when she comes home before flying off the handle, please - it just might do you some good to learn to have patience.


If you are the jealous type that rants at everything without thinking it through first - you should stop and think of how unhappy you'll be for the rest of your life because it will push those you love away from you.

[Romefalls19]

Don't EVER wait for someone man. Why should you put your life on hold for someone else. Second, you don't know if things will not work out of the summer for them, you're clinging onto false hope here. Things might work out, then you will be even more heartbroken. Third, it does not matter what her family thinks about her decision as it is... Her decision

It's time to man up, start with the No Contact IMMEDIATELY! Don't call, text, write, e-mail, Facebook etc... Get her out of your life and start to move on... If she calls you, you decide if you want to pick up, but stop dwelling on what might happen and start making things happen for yourself.

[duck22]

Romefalls is right, I think the best thing to do right now is to follow through with no contact. If you do happen to talk to her one last time do not give her any ultimatums. Keep it short, sweet, and too the point. I would simply tell her what she means to you, that you want her to be happy, and that you are not putting you life on hold. This way she knows that you will be respecting her space and not going to be a backup guy. Unless she's at your doorstep I would be strict with keeping no contact after that.

[talaniman]

Sorry guy, but none of your plans is acceptable, for one its not her mothers business, and if you need her mother to keep her, you have no relationship. Likewise with the ultimatum angle, as she may laugh in your face for a childish stunt like that. LOSE-LOSE situations. Now leaving her alone, and moving on, is your best option to getting your manhood back, as its mature and independent, and can bring long term happiness, and keep you from making a complete fool of yourself. She obviously has written you off, and has other plans, that don't include you.

[Windshield21]

Yeah I've pretty much made up my mind. I'm done with this relationship and will let her know it when I see her. I don't want to be involved with her after the things she has done. I know I deserve better and after seeing her true colors she doesn't deserve me at all.

[Chery]

Yeah I've pretty much made up my mind. I'm done with this relationship and will let her know it when I see her. I don't want to be involved with her after the things she has done. I know I deserve better and after seeing her true colors she doesn't deserve me at all.

Having made your mind up to start a new chapter in life, you can take the steps to healing. We will be here to help you, so don't feel alone, and good luck dear. Life will have it's ups and downs and sometimes we can use a little assistance in accepting rejection and dealing with it.

[ihatewestseneca]

Hey man, this same thing happened/happening to me. Here's what I did. First of all, follow the advice given here to to letter! Go NC, this will turn your situation into a win-win, 1st win- you get to move on and you'll be just fine in the future, 2nd win- she comes crawling back, however if she does this; you probably won't want her. Because you know when she goes back to school again, this whole situation could start all over again. Do you really want to with someone so needy? Not only that, but someone who left you for someone else?

I know you've already made your decision, I just thought I'd reinforce it, just in case you started to doubt yourself. Good luck, keep us posted

[Windshield21]

Yeah the whole school thing is what makes this so complicated for me. While we were apart for the first year, I had planned on transferring to her college next fall so that we could be together and she is fully aware of this. I know when I tell her my decision she will say something like "I was going to get back with you". Which will instantly make me regret telling her my decision. But I know she is only saying that to try to make me feel bad. It will also make me wonder if she had always intended to get back together with me and was only dating the other guy because he was there for her when I couldn't be(our colleges are like four hours apart but despite that I still went to visit her quite a few times). I seriously feel like it is 50/50 exactly that she could be trying to screw me over or she just doesn't know what to do and really does want to be with me. I think the best thing I can do is tell her how I feel and when summer rolls around and she will have to split up with her current boyfriend, then she can talk to me(if she truly regrets what she has done). Is this a bad idea?

The other day when we were talking she got one of my texts late that said something along the lines of "that should tell you something...but lets not talk about that". She thought there was something I had not told her and was like freaking out even though it was just something that went along with our earlier conversation. And I can't help but think she thought I was going to say I met someone else or something. I know if I had met someone else and told her she would absolutely freak out like total carnage freak out on me. How can she do that when she is the one dating someone else it makes no sense.

Also she would get mad at me if I was in the same room as my best friend's girlfriend with my best friend there of course, but I recently found out the whole time she has been at college she has been going to parties and has not told me. I don't care that she went to parties in fact I totally understand why she is at college and she wants to have fun(even though if I went to parties it was a total crap fest for like weeks which is why I didn't go to any parties) it's that she didn't tell me and as far as I knew she completely hated parties. And how can she do that and think its OK but I can't even be in the same room as my best friends girlfriend.

About her "needyness" yes she is a very dependent person, but so am I. She needed someone to be there for her that didn't lie, wouldn't go behind her back, and wouldn't desert her. And I loved the fact that she needed me so much, that's how I was dependent on her.

This whole situation is far more complexed then I could ever explain. I really wish I could outline the entire situation though as it is so confusing and I would love insight. She makes it seem like she is going to get back with me and she knows they will break up over the summer because he lives over five hours away, and there is no way they will get to see each other over the summer. And I feel like if I do tell her my decision I will be throwing away our relationship. Should I want to get back with her knowing that these things would never happen again and were only a product of us being apart and her not knowing what to do? I truly do love her, which is why I am even giving it thought.

She had no trust in me what-so-ever and I believe it was because she was doing all the things she was afraid I would do. If that makes sense.

[ihatewestseneca]

Windshield... if she really truly loved you, do you think she would want to break-up? She is a needy flake, my ex was the same way. Read my thread. She went away to college, I was going to go to the same in the fall, but she broke up with me soon before christmas, I asked her "you can't wait 4 months for me?" and she complained that that was too long to wait. I know its hard and I really feel for you but right now you need to help yourself become a strong independent guy. I loved that my ex "needed" me too, but if she really needed ME then she wouldn't have broken up with me, she may think she was in love with me, but I'm thinking that she was just in love with my company. And I think the same goes for your ex.

Yeah, she's confused, but you shouldn't have to compete or wait for anyone. If she isn't sure if she wants to be with you now, will she ever? Its time you start making plans for yourself without her, when you think about your future picture it without her. Think about it, you can do whatever the hell you want now without some needy girl hovering all over you. Yeah, I know you liked it, and I did too. Hell my ex and I had an amazing relationship, but I don't know if I would try again if she wanted to, she left me for someone else and didn't have the balls to tell me that, she just complained about distance and that she feels different with me not around. She may not regret it now, but she will one day.

So yeah, stop concerning yourself with what she may be thinking or feeling. It doesn't matter anymore, if she wants to break up that's her problem. So stick with NC and try to get yourself better.

[Windshield21]

West it seems like our situations are exact, haha. If you are still alive I know I'll make it too(I hope I know I'm capable) thank you for your support! This is definitely hard but it's the "maybes" of it that makes it hard. If she would just straight tell me to "frick off" and she didn't love me I could move on. But it seems like she is making it as hard as possible on purpose. She texts me saying stuff like sweetie, you are amazing, you are perfect, etc. And I'm like why are you talking to me like this when you are dating someone else, it drives me nuts. But I know I will be OK once I get the closure of talking to her face to face, whether she is gone from my life for good or we work out future plans to be friends. I want to be as mature and polite about the talk too as I see there is nothing to gain from me being mean or cruel and that would just make me look like a wiener. I've probably wrote and re-wrote what I want to say 30 times and I think I finally have it right. I don't say anything mean or even say that I think she is making a huge mistake even though I feel it so strongly. I guess she will realize it on her own. I do plan on confronting her about the party thing, although I will be rational and understanding of it even though it makes no sense and if it were the other way around her hands would be around my neck and I wouldn't be making it out alive(seriously).

[ihatewestseneca]

If I were you I wouldn't talk to her at all, I practiced my speech for my ex so many times it makes me sick to think about it now. Talking will get you nowhere my friend, as I'm pretty sure real romantic love cannot be negotiated. Leave her alone, if you can't handle her texts then ask her nicely to stop, as it is making it harder for you to move on, and if she cares at all then she'll respect that, or if she really does want to get back together she'll let you know. As for meeting during spring break, let her set up the meeting, and if you decide to meet her, you don't have to talk much, she broke up with you, you don't owe her a thing, not even letting her know how you feel. If you meet let her do the talking and listen to what she has to say, if it just seems like she wants to be friends tell her you can't handle that. (unless you can, which I doubt) you don't deserve to be anyone's plan B. please don't let her have her cake and eat it too. Don't become her security blanket and you can't really trust anything she has to say anyway. He actions have spoken louder than anything she can say, breaking up with you for someone else because you can't be there for her isn't any form of love, caring, or respect. You owe it to yourself to forget about her.

Its been two months of NC for me, and I'll tell you that I feel TOTALLY different than when I did when I was back in your shoes, I was expecting a call at spring break and over the summer, and now I really couldn't care less, and instead of practicing my speech about how she hurt me and what she did wrong, I'm now practicing a 2 line speech if does happen to call me (which I doubt) it goes a little something like this: (scenario- if she wants to meet up) me: uuuuh, I don't think so. If she asks why ill tell her that she doesn't deserve any of my time. Neither does your ex, you have better things to do, and if you don't, it doesn't matter just let her know that you can't see her. If she really does want you then she'll be pounding on your door.

[KD33]

I think if she left you for some other guy then she's not much worth having again because that could occur again. And also just follow your heart and instincts you'll find the way soon. Have faith.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with IHate... I have thought about what I want to say to my ex a thousand times. Mainly because she is constantly asking people how I am doing, requesting my friends, staring at me, mad I flirt with other girls. But none of my words will matter, so I just keep them to myself or write them down and put it in a box.

If she left you for another guy, she already made her decision, why want closure? Her ending it was closure

[Windshield21]

I read your threads West, and the e-mail you wanted to send back to her is pretty much EXACTLY what I want to say to her, but I know it will do nothing to help me out. So I think I'm just going to go over to her place when she asks to hang out, bring her some Starbucks, homemade cookies, and an Audrey Hepburn magazine that I know she will love(the cookies and magazine are for the plane trip she is taking over spring break to see some of her family up north). And basically try to keep it as short and sweet as possible saying "We had a good run and you made me very happy but now its time for me to move on. If you want to be with me you will be, you won't just say you want to be. If you do come pounding at my door I'll let you in and we can talk about this. Until then I need you to break off contact with you because it makes it too hard". I sort of want to cut out the last sentence or word it better because I want to tell her to stop talking to me or that when she does I wont respond but I'm not sure how. Also I had a pretty nice day planned out for us in your opinion(s) should I tell her this stuff before the day even happens and bag the day or give her the nice day acting like its all ok then tell her at the end(as of now she knows that I have the day planned out and I will feel kinda wiener just being like "hey don't ever talk to me again" and not going through with the day)?

[ihatewestseneca]

I would just tell her that your plans have changed, just like her plans to be your girlfriend. I mean, its nice what you're trying to say to her and everything, but has she been nice to you? I know you want to tell her things to make her think about what she is doing, but the sad part about that is, she won't... she thinks what she is doing is okay, and by you meeting up with her is just going to relieve some of her guilt and make it easier for her to feel like she made the right choice. You don't need anymore closure other than that she left you for someone else (like romefalls said). The best revenge you can get on her is to become a strong independent guy (ladies love it). I met with my ex before she went back to school, it was kind of awkward and I wanted her to go, but she didn't. All she ended up doing was giving me more false hope that she would come back. (I.E. making out with me, keeping the bracelet I gave her... ) it wasn't good for me, if I could go back I would have told her not to come over... meeting her will probably do no good for you, but it will for her... re-read your last post, doesn't that seem like a bit much for someone who dropped you for someone else?

[Windshield21]

Agggggggggggg you're so right. I'm bagging the day but I still think I'm going to at least see her, I got to do that. Because if I see her and she just doesn't look like the same girl I will know I'm making the right choice. I'll give an update after the meeting occurs(most likely tomorrow night). And to elaborate if I don't talk to her and just totally bag the plans won't that also make her think she made the right choice? Unless I tell her the plans have changed thing(which is a good idea).

[Windshield21]

She has admitted she made a mistake but she didn't do anything about it. And the part about her not being nice to me so why should I want to be nice to her.. I don't know I feel being mean just for the sake of being mean is not very mature.

I have one last question before this day concludes... I am thinking about not seeing her and writing her an email and then just texting her saying "I sent you an e-mail". The e-mail would go something like...

"[Insert her name] our continued communication is not good for either of us. It makes moving on that much more difficult. From this point forward we need to terminate all communication, no texting, e-mail, or phone calls it is what is best for both of us. If you do care about me you will respect this decision. I wish you all the best for your future".

Now my question is I am debating putting at the end of the e-mail something like "If you want to be with me you will be. But you have to figure out your situation on your own and make it right". Should I add that? And if so, after a few months(or longer... ) she really has changed and wants to be with me and has at least been doing her best to correct her mistakes should I give her another chance?

Because if I look down like as deep as I can into my heart(wow that sounds lame) I know she is aware she made a huge mistake and has no idea about what to do. I truly believe she wants to be with me and she is just incredibly confused and I know once she realizes this she will do everything in her power to make it right. Or am I just going on false hope?