[jshrckstar]

It's not that I am refusing to do it. I know what I have to do. What I mean is that she is confusing me by the stuff she says and the way she acts. One minute she is telling me that she wants to be with me, but needs space to figure everything out. I tell her that I feel like Im going to lose regardless of how hard I try, and she tells me to have faith because she really cares about me. To me, this doesn't sound like she is FULLY breaking up with me. I mean like I said in my earlier post, she still has all of our pictures up on her myspace, as well as it reading that we are still in a relationship. The confusion lies in the fact that she has never said "We are breaking up". I've asked her if she wants me to give up and move on (If that doesn't make it easier on her to break up with me,then I don't know what does) she says "NO" and once again says that she just needs a little time and that she really cares about me. Talaniman, I hope you can understand where my confusion is in all of this. If I need to move on, I will, because frankly that would be easier then what I'm dealing with right now. Not knowuing, or understanding makes a person feel even more helpless then taking control and moving on in my opinion. What are your insights?

[mraquino21]

I hate to say this but it sounds to me like you never really had her to begin with. She was never over him she proved that by texting him to check on him and see how he is doing... So really what have you losted in letting her go?

I think I would implement the nc at least for a full week no texting, seeing each other or anything just loose all communication. If she misses you bad enough and truly wants to be with you it will drive her crazy and she'll leave him alone and come back to you. If it doesn't bother her she'll end up with him or someone else.

Look at it this way with you sitting on stand by waiting for her and giving her attention and from her getting attention from him it's not healthy for you and sounds like she's playing games.

Go out with friends and go on with your life. Time will be the true test. Good luck.

[jshrckstar]

I've been speaking with my brother about the situation, and pretty much explained the same as I have stated here. He is agrees, and doesn't understand what she means either. His advise to me was to not contact her for a few days, and wait to see if she contacts me. He said that if she can't even talk to me in a few days, then she is probably not going to. He said that after those few days, if she hasn't contacted me that I should contact her and basically lay it on the line. As I've said, she has never made it perfectly clear to me that we are breaking up, instead she tells me not to give up. My brother said that If she hasn't contacted me, I need to tell her that she either wants to be with me, or she doesn't. Otherwise, I'll just have to move on. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I know that I can begin moving on, and getting over her. Here is the weird thing. Today, I have not spoken to her, and I received a text just now while writing this. She text me to let me know that there was some rice and vegetables in my fridge, and that I could eat it if I wanted to. I said "cool" The part that gets me is if we were done-done then why would she even care about telling me about some stupid left overs that are in my fridge? I understand about caring about someone, but it's not like I don't eat... lol I honestly think that it was just something to say to me, since I have not spoken to her, and that is unusual in comparison to the previous days. Any ideas?

[jshrckstar]

So, I'm really confused here guys! I'm having a heck of a time figuring this out. I don't know what's right, and I don't know what's not right. On one hand, I read all of the posts here about taking "breaks" and what not, and some say DO NOT call her or talk to her, and some say that I have to fight for her so she knows that I care. How do I decide what is right for my situation? I didn't talk to her the day before yesterday, and yesterday I get a random text from her about some leftovers that are in my fridge. She said I can have them. I said "Cool, thanks!" that's all. About an hour later I get another text from her saying that "If you dont want me to text you, then dont text me back!" I said "What do you mean?" and she stated "It just seems like you had some attitude in that text!" This was like an hour later. I just told her that I was simply thanking her for the offer, and she said okay. I am so confused! If she didn't want to talk to me, then why the heck would any girl text to talk about some measly leftovers? I'm not sure, in this situation, if I should completely cut contact, or If I should keep it to a minimum? I need some advice here guys, cause this is driving me carzy. For me, and I'm sure for a lot of others, it would be easier if I knew we were completely done, because then I could really move on. But, alas, every time I ask if I should give up, or If we are done, she says "No" and tells me not to give up and have faith. She says she just needs time? But, when I give her time, she always finds something to say to me? I care about her a lot. Would she know this if I wasn't talking to her at all, or would this just show her that I really don't care?

[talaniman]

Do you think its so healthy to be going through this confusion? Well stop it, and make a decision, for you not her. She is confused, and you need to man up, and stop being wishy washy, and letting her do this. If you don't know what to do, back off until you do, not keep going through the same thing over and over.

[kingjackson]

How long have you 2 been taking a break cause has soon has you've been taking a break for 3 weeks to a month you should end cause she's just pulling you along until she's ready to break up

[confused25]

OK lets back up for a second. At the beginning of this thread you were in control. You clearly broke up with her because she was talking to her ex-boyfriend. You laid it all out on the table, made a mature decision, and you were in control. Now fast forward a couple posts and all of sudden she has all the power. What's the deal!

Listen, you already know what to do you just don't have the strength to do it because your stuck on this girl. Have you ever heard of a woman's intuition? Well guess what, men have the same thing and its just as good. From the start of your first post you knew what you had to do but you were scared because of your feelings for this girl.

Let this girl know one last time that you care for her and would like a relationship with her, but at the moment you two cannot be together because she is confused. Tell her that once she is ready she is more then welcome to give you a call, but until then its best you go your separate ways. Give her a kiss on the cheek and say goodbye. From there no more contact and move on with your life.

[s_cianci]

Confront her directly about it and tell her how it makes you feel. And if you feel you need to break up, do it, straightforward like a man. She may not love you more for taking this kind of approach but she'll certainly respect you more for it.

[s_cianci]

I appreciate all of your support! Just another question. Do you think it would be advisable to do no contact with her? Or should I stay in contact to let her know that I still care about her?

Absolutely no contact whatsoever. Let her think you've disappeared from the face of the earth. Then, if she eventually decides to contact you, keep the ball in your court and keep things strictly on your own terms.

[kp2171]

I agree. Let her be. Back off.

Don't be rude or mean... just let her know if she needs time apart, then it needs to be apart... that you aren't going to pretend its different and you aren't there to be her girlfriend.

If she doesn't know you care, she doesn't know you.

If she doesn't chase you down and ask you back, she didn't need you.

You want the truth, whatever that ends up being.

[s_cianci]

I guess I'm just afraid to back off too much. I mean, I don't want to just throw in the towel and basically tell her that I don't care if she gets back with her ex.

Don't tell her that but let her sense that. By not appearing to be needy, which is translated by her as "weakness", she'll have all the more respect for you.

I feel like she needs to know how much I care about being with her.

No. It's just the other way around ; you need to know how much she cares about being with you. And you'll settle for nothing less. See, by thinking and talking like that you become one of her girlfriends. And that's repulsive to her. A man with backbone ; that's what she wants from you. Backbone includes not needing her in your life and being able to be just as happy with her as without her and not allowing yourself to be manipulated by her.

[s_cianci]

After reading the rest of your posts, I have to tell you to man up and be the decision maker. Don't worry about her saying whether you're actually breaking up ; you make the decision. You tell her you're broken up because you're not satisfied with the way things are. I know that breaking up isn't what you may have initially wanted but part of being a man is being willing to make decisions that you may not necessarily want to make. As it is, I don't see why you wouldn't want to break up since you obviously aren't getting what you want or need from this relationship. Then it's no contact all the way. Go out and live your life and let her be the one doing the wondering and being the confused one.

[talaniman]

After reading the rest of your posts, I have to tell you to man up and be the decision maker. Don't worry about her saying whether or not you're actually breaking up ; you make the decision. You tell her you're broken up because you're not satisfied with the way things are. I know that breaking up isn't what you may have initially wanted but part of being a man is being willing to make decisions that you may not necessarily want to make. As it is, I don't see why you wouldn't want to break up since you obviously aren't getting what you want or need from this relationship. Then it's no contact all the way. Go out and live your life and let her be the one doing the wondering and being the confused one.

I'll be darned, if that wasn't well said.

[jshrckstar]

So, since she has not said we are broken up, and every time I ask she says "No" she just needs time, is there a time that I should contact her. Right now, I am doing no contact, and I haven't heard a word from her since Friday. Im just getting the feeling that she is waiting for me. See, she is the kind of girl that will not call me, just because I haven't called her. It's the "If he doesnt want to call me, then I wont call him" sort of thing. I know it's childish, but that's the way she is. It's only been 1 day since we talked, and already I feel as thougnif I don't talk to her, I'll lose her forever. I know that a lot of people here feel that way when doing no contact.

[talaniman]

Yes they do, but to heal, don't give in to the impulse.

[jshrckstar]

Understood. It's just that in my situation, because we haven't actually broken up, I'm almost thinking that she wants me to call her at some point. Like I said, she said she just wanted space, and time. I am really unsure as to what "Space and Time" means. From what I've read on this forum it boils down to about 10 different things.. lol

[talaniman]

Every guy here has told you to man up, I wonder why??

[jshrckstar]

I know, I know! I feel as though I'm doing pretty good, diven the circumstances. I mean, I might talk a lot about trying to contact her, but the reality is that I have not! My question now is that since it was never made clear that we were breaking up, and it was clear that we were taking a break, don't I have a right to know what is going on? I mean, I have tried to give her an easy way to say yes we are breaking up, by asking her if she wanted me to give up. She does not want me to give up, and still just says that she need a little time. I mean, it's hard for me to consider moving on if its not clear to me that we're over. At least then I will know and I can take the proper steps to heal. I understand how the whole break up thing goes, and I know all of the advice you guys give me is for my well being. The difference this time is that we are not broken up according to her, and right now there are no bad feelings about anything. We barely even used to argue. This is far different then when I was on here 10 months ago talking about a really bad, and clear break up. That's why its so hard for me to understand what is going on, and what I should do. I honestly don't think that the answer to everyone's problems here is the No Contact rule, as this seems to be everyone's prescription for heartache. I don't understand why everyone's answer here is to turn there backs, and look the other way. Almost every post I have ever seen from talaniman ends with "Absolutely no contact". I could really use some concrete sound advice here

[kp2171]

Dear lord...

Do what the hell ever you want.

You've been told our opinions and now you want to b!tch and moan about how they don't fit your opinion??

OK... that's fine. Its your life.

Man up and do whatever you want. Just don't whine and complain when things are screwed. You are choosing this.

I think some things you need to learn for yourself. I have no agenda to be against you. I just hate watching a person throw themselves under the boot that is about to step on them.

You disagree. OK!! I get it.

So do whatever you think is right and stop picking apart the great advice you've been given. Pretty clear you aren't going to follow it... so why keep coming back??

Grow a pair and live your life however you choose to live it.

[talaniman]

Almost every post I have ever seen from talaniman ends with "Absolutely no contact". I could really use some concrete sound advice here

No Contact is for you to heal, get healthy, so you can make good decisions. That in my book is sound concrete advice to a shocked, crushed, dumpee, who is to confused, to know what to do. Don't you agree? What the heck do you expect for free?