[anet]

I have met my husband since I was 17 years old. I love him so much and now I am 31 he is 32 married with 2 beautiful kids. Just to make this relationship work I and my husband had been through a lot of difficulties. Financial problem, family’s difficulties, rumors, jealousy from closest friend and families, but after all we always stick together and overcome the situation because we both have a very strong love.



Recently, I have noticed a strange behavior on my husband that I couldn’t even know how to handle it. My husband become so convinced that I am having an affair with someone that I don’t even know. He was extremely sure that had happened. He swears that he saw me and even took a picture. Even though he refused to show me the picture (which I know he must be lying) we found a way to talk it out and I tried my best to let him know that I never ever cheated on him for the last 14 years, not even have a date with someone, and he is all I need … we continued the relationship.



At this time, my husband is going to school full time. (he is not working) I am working two jobs so we can pay all the bills. If I stopped one of the jobs, we won’t be able to pay all the bills. I understand that I am out at work most of the time and I missed out time with my kids and with him as well. I only sleep 4 hours a day Mon-Fri but I am off on Saturday and Sunday. I am doing this for him so that he graduates and hopefully our life will settle after then. But his jealousy started mostly after I started working two jobs. He sometimes follow me spy on me etc. I sometimes could not believe that he accusing me of cheating when I am too busy to even spend time with him. I worked so much to help him graduate and so that we all can have a better life. I wanted to be home with my kids, I sacrifices time with my kids and working crazy to change our life. But after working 16 hours, when I get home, he makes me cry and making me hate my life by accusing me things that I didn’t do. At this point, I am wondering why he doesn’t even appreciate the fact that I am letting him go to school. None of the woman I know does such a thing for a man. I am so exhausted and almost hate my life. He will be graduating on April, we are almost there, but my heart is broken. I am so sick and tired of being accused by him.



I am a religious person and one thing that I really don’t want in my life is a divorce. I don’t want to separate my kids from the real father even for one second and have them go through an experience of getting to know a new man which may be a future husband. I, myself is not interested in this either. But he vocally abusing me to the point I don’t know what to do. Please help.

[Homegirl 50]

Your husband is either feeling inadequate and guilty because you are carrying the financial load, he could be psychotic or he is cheating himself.
If he thinks you are cheating, maybe you should suggest he quit school get a job and you stay home.
You don't deserve to be verbally abused. Do you think he would go to counseling with you or maybe get a check up from his doctor.

[anet]

I have mentioned that to him actually. If he is mentally okay especially when he tried to convince me that he actually saw me with someone. But he was mad saying that I called him crazy. I haven’t mentioned about counseling yet. We have never seen counseling in our life. Well may be it is time. I am sure he may say okay because he wanted the relationship to work as well. About he is cheating on me; he always mentioned that he never did. But of course that doesn’t mean he didn’t. But I have never seen any sign. His cell phone is everywhere on the week-ends basically no sign. He always claims that a lot of women come to him what ever, but he never did it and the reason is not because he cares for me but he cares and loves his kids so much to do such a thing. Even that hurts me because he is in other way telling me that he doesn’t love or care for me. But I always feel like I have it all. My family was so blessed and I was always thankful for that. I can’t believe that everything is falling apart and I am not sure how I can handle this if things didn’t work. My heart is so dark, I almost start feeling that I started to hate him. But I don’t want to regret anything. I wanted to do things as it should so I will be free of guilt. But the question is that I am so confused and don’t know how to handle it. Do you think he is doing this because he knows me how much, that I love him and my children and he is confident that I am not capable of doing anything?

[George_1950]

It seems that you need to take care of your needs. Why don't you schedule an interview with a counselor immediately. I think two jobs is one too many; he should be able to borrow money for some expenses associated with school and he could work a part-time job. Is he taking care of the kids, (laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. ) while you work?

[Homegirl 50]

He could be just being a butt hole too, cutting you down to make himself feel better. Saying he is not cheating because he loves his kids and not you is cruel. My dad used to say "The best thing you can do for your kids is to love and respect their mother" He is not doing his kids any favors my leeching off you and treating you like crap
Do some counseling for you, even if he does not go, and as George 1950 said, you are working too hard. Put some of the responsibility back on him.

[ayashe]

Hopefully it's just the stress of your busy schedules that is causing his behavior. But my mom once told me, "when your angry and start pointing fingers, take a long look in the mirror, the person staring back, is usually the guilty one!"

[anet]

Thanks all for your comment. I don't know this relationship thing is really hard to balance. I understand my busy schedule can drive anyone crazy (it is driving me crazy as well). But he has to think back and appreciate that I am doing this for him. I just pray so that he realized how much pain he is causing me. As far as helping me out around the house, that is not a problem at all. He takes care of the kids, he cooks sometimes and he always make sure that there is something to eat for me when I get home from work. But he is somehow convinced that I cheated on him.

One time, he asked me just to accept it and he will forgive me and everything will be all right again. Can you believe it? How am I going to accept something that I never did? And there is another time that we get away (went to Miami) and he promised that he will never mention this argument again, if I confess and at least telling the truth so he can trust me in the future. Again he promised that he will forgive and forget it. Recently he told me that, he knows that I am not cheating anymore. But that didn't 't make me happy since he still thinks that I cheated on him. I wanted that part to be clear because he always being reminded of what he thought I did. Even now, in his mind, he believed that I cheated before but I am not doing it anymore.

I did swear with my kids, with my parents with everything I love but the more I tried to convince him, the more he wonders how liar I am. And I know, his love is fading because of that. I have no guilt since I didn't do anything, but it is amazing for me to see my house is falling down on something that has never happened. I know they said, we have to put 100% to make a relationship work, I think I put 200% but look what is happening?

[momincali]

[quote=anet]I have mentioned that to him actually. If he is mentally okay especially when he tried to convince me that he actually saw me with someone... "

You can't really say that your husband is mentally okay when he's obviously lying about seeing you with someone and has taken a picture which he refuses to show you. It could be he's cheating, it could be he's just insecure, it could be people are telling him that since he's gone for so long in school that this only give you time to mess around, but if he's not strong enough to defeat those things, then he needs help.

Go to your church and speak with your pastor. He may be the only neutral trustworthy person you can both speak to.

[George_1950]

Yes, he seems to be insecure in that he wants to hold something you never did over your head, as if you are on some kind of probation. I am curious: how old is he? Has he ever been on medication that you know of?

[anet]

Thanks for all the respond.

He is 32. He is pretty much healthy, not under any medication at all. Not in the past not at the present.
So if someone is insecure, they want to hold something over someone? Why and how? What that makes them feel? Is he getting some kind of enjoyment out of this? Do you think deep inside he knows that I didn't cheat but he is just giving excuse for acting the way he act? This is really a mystery to me.

[George_1950]

He uses his allegation of your cheating to keep you in line, under his thumb; he sees you as a stronger person than he is, and feels weeker than you are. That is what it looks like to me.

[bushg]

Sounds to me like he is insecure and playing little mind games. Offer to get a lie detector test. Tell him you both will get one. His question will be Did he really see you with another man, your question will be if you cheated on him. Tell him to prove it or shut up.

[ordinaryguy]

So if someone is insecure, they want to hold something over someone? Why and how? What that makes them feel? Is he getting some kind of enjoyment out of this?

I wouldn't say he's getting enjoyment out of it, but I would say it's satisfying some perceived need of his. What that need might be, I really can't know, but the most likely guesses would be he feels guilty for something, or inadequate or inferior in some way, and by accusing you falsely, and maybe even convincing himself that you did it, he can meet his need to feel superior instead of inferior.

I knew a woman who did exactly what you're doing--worked to allow her husband to go to graduate school for several years, even did the yardwork for the apartment complex where they lived for extra income. Come to find out, he wasn't even in school the whole time--he was bicycling. That's right, riding his bicycle for five or six years while telling his wife he was getting his PhD.

I hope your husband's secret isn't as awful as that, but I'm guessing he does have something to hide. Something that he's deeply ashamed of. So deeply ashamed that falsely accusing you of something worse seems like a solution to him. He needs help.

Do you think deep inside he knows that I didn't cheat but he is just giving excuse for acting the way he act? This is really a mystery to me.

I think you're probably right about this.

[KalFour]

Hi Anet,
Wow, this is a tricky one. There possibly is an underlying problem and he's projecting with paranoia about your faithfullness. It's also possible that because of an underlying problem he's just inventing this as a way to vent, and enjoying your frustration whiile knowing perfectly well that you're innocent.
On the other hand, he might genuinely think you cheated on him. He might have a phot of you talking to another man, and have seen you with him more than once, and somehow be convinced that you were having an affair. Who knows?
But, regardless of why he's doing this, you can't let it continue. Tell him straight up that you can't have your relationship without some element of trust, and that if he continues to accuse you, your marriage will be jeopardised. The lie detector idea suggested by bushg isn't such a bad idea. In truth, lie detectors are a very inaccurate device, but it will show him how genuinely confident you feel about your innocence. Force him to see a counsellor with you. You can't let him treat you this way.
Also, it might be good to try to spend more time with him. Try to get a loan so that you can take time off work. Or alternatively, see if he can work part-time while he's studying (I'm at uni, and most people seem to manage it fairly well), so that there will be more time that you can both be in the house together, but your money won't be too diminshed.
If he continues this way, don't put up with it. Tell him that he either has to trust you or leave.
I truly wish you all the best in this,

Kal

[anet]

Thanks all. Step 2 will be counseling, and lie detector. I never thought in my life that I will have to stand next to that lie detector equipment but oh well... I got to do what I have to do. And I will update you all on the result. But everything you guys said some how make sense to me. It really makes sense. Any additional comment is well-come.

[Homegirl 50]

Good luck. I hope you find a solution to all of this.

[anet]

That is what I thought too. But at this point, I think it is too late because he doesn't want any counseling or any detector. He decided to end the relationship. And I said, "Hey, you are the head of the house! Do what you think is right. If you want to break us, break us..... You be the judge. But me? I am clean from this! This is all done by you and just you."

But I cried alone for my two beautiful sons. I cried and cried out for them. Because they are the victim of this situation. Not me Not him, But they are. And I asked God, why? Why? And why? Why do my children have to suffer from this? Why did they have to grow up incomplete? Why don't they have a peaceful house to live in? What did they do to deserve this? Why do they have to miss their dad? Why do there little mind have to wonder what happened between us? Why? Why? Why? I cried loud for them till my stomach hurts (all by myself when there is no body around me). I cried and cried to get the answer.
I tried to convince myself saying 'time will heal me', but then, I know it will. I know I may fall in love with someone's and move on in my life. But again, what about them? Who can love them more than their own Dad? Who can be there for them more than him? It is a sad situation. I am a religious person and I believe everything happened for a reason, for a good reason. Especially when this is not my fault! But then I couldn't see any good thing coming out of this? What good come out of divorce especially when kids involve? At this point, I couldn't find a word to make myself feel better. When I look at my kids, I couldn't control my tears. My 5 years old asked me this morning, why did I cry when I look at him. I hugged him and told him that, 'it is because I love him so much and he is the best thing happened to me in life'. And I saw his eyes were getting watery a little bit, but I changed the subject and made him laugh. I wanted to live the rest of my life for them. I am not even interested to date or anything at this time or even ever! I wanted to be the best mom ever for them. I wanted to do what ever they wanted to compensate for this. But I am not sure if I can be their dad. I always just am their Mom.

[George_1950]

An old saying, The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Perhaps he will move and realize that he is leaving a fortune behind. Another old saying, A fool and his treasure are soon parted. Keep your chin up and try to smile.

[Homegirl 50]

This may have been what he wanted all along.
I would imagine this is very painful, but you don't know what ugliness could have been waiting down the road. Things will work out to your and your children's benefit.
I wish you the best.

[manchis22]

I have to be honest my wife and I have been married for 3 years and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me one because she has given me a precious son.

When we met I dated alt and my wife knew so when we finally got married she always had that in the back of her head. Make a long story short it got to a point that I started making stuff up something like your husband is doing and my reason was because I broke so many hearts that I thought that my wife was going to do it to me so that I can finally feel what I have done keep in mind that wasn't the case but being dumb those were my thoughts.

I made a promise to my wife when we had our son that she does not have to work for 3 years so that she can raise our son. I didn't think it was going to be so expensive and sometime I make my wife cry because I tell her why don't you get a job again that is a man being selfish wanting material instead of looking at what she is doing with our son. How every day when I get out of work he is counting numbers letters flipping through the pages of book wanting to read. And he is just about to turn 2 on the 31st.

As men we need to realize that women are the best thing that God has created and a lot of woman that can put up with our #@#$. Your husband is frustrated and as a man he should be providing and it hurts and instead of talking to you about how he feel he will resort to something like the blame game.

THere is no text book that explains how marriage work in comes through trial and error... But there is but so much that one can take he need to embrace all your efforts and when it is all said and done know who he has in his corner.