[Depressed in MO]

Hello everyone. I need to vent. I come here everyday and mostly read, I don't like to post much about my personal life to a lot of people I don't know (but yes, I have before), but I really need some help.

I was with an abusive partner for over seven years. I have other posts here related to some situations I've been in with him.
I have tried to leave him, but of course, I always came back to him. We have three children together. Two are his, one isn't. The two youngest are his. Anyhow, I am in a situation where I have been trying to leave him for over the past month now. I've been put on antidepressants, I've sought counseling. It is still a very slow process for me. He comes home and sees us about once a week. We are renting a house together, you would think he would be there more often. When I ask "Where have you been?"-he replies with "I just end up crashing somewhere at a friend's house". That, IMO, is BS. But I go along with it. He has stopped coming around, he has stopped paying on any utility bills. Rent has not been paid this month because he won't put his half into the bank account we have so I can mail the check off. I've had to actually use some of my rent money just for me and the kids to get by. Oh there is so much, but I know how these posts get so long and people end up not wanting to read it.

He keeps lying to me. I don't even know why he wants to keep me around but he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever-even though I feel like he has completely abandoned me and the children. Mostly them. Just this past Saturday, I sat him down calmly and spoke with him and told him how I was feeling and that I wanted to leave if he truly did not want to be with us. He said he did and that he would be home Sunday for good. Well he ended up not coming home. I snapped. I feel awful for what I did because that is not the type of person I am. I just... snapped.

I shoved the microwave on the countertop-off of the countertop, I threw the coffee pot, I believe I broke that. I shoved everything on the dressertop off. I know he is going to be pissed as that was very childish behavior on my part, and I feel bad. There is no justifying it. I'm a very quiet, passive, sweet person who will give anything to anybody who needs it, even if that means going without for myself. But I just lost it. And I left it there for when he comes home to see it. I feel so torn. Why do I care about hurting this man who has been hurting me for years? Why can't I stay away from him in the first place? What is wrong with me? I found pictures of him and one of his "girls" from a weekend trip he was supposed to take with just our two year old son (this was back in June). I found a picture of all three of them together at some car show in Indiana. That broke my heart into pieces. After I found those pictures and confronted him, I then found text messages between him and her. One in particular to her about how she just lost a good man. What?
I don't believe in snooping into your partners' phone and all, but with the way that he is, I feel it is totally OK what I have done. Well, I'm really getting off the subject. So anyway, I snapped last night. I feel bad about it. But should I? That is the main question.

Thanks to all,

T

[mafiaangel180]

Passive people hold stuff in and just snap like that sometimes. You are tired of putting up with ill treatment. You definitely need to get out of your situation or you will keep snapping. Is he abusive? If so, you might want to look into going to a women's shelter.

[Depressed in MO]

Passive people hold stuff in and just snap like that sometimes. You are tired of putting up with ill treatment. You definately need to get out of your situation or you will keep snapping. Is he abusive? If so, you might want to look into going to a women's shelter.

Thanks for the reply. I've been there done that. Yes, he is abusive. Both physically and mentally. It hasn't been physical for a few months now, which is good. But he always yells at me and the kids, I mean screaming and cursing. Even on the only day he does come home. He has punched holes in the walls, breaks OUR things. He always puts us down or tells me what I'm doing wrong. I feel like a lost,small child around him.
Anyway, thanks for your opinion.

[George_1950]

Clean up the stuff on the floor; in fact, put on some good music and clean the whole house. Put all his stuff in boxes; you can get some at the grocery store for free. Go visit with your justice of the peace or magistrate, and talk to him about the two children you have that may be abandoned by their father and what your legal remedies are. This applies to the other child, also, if you are not receiving child support. Do not let your children lose their home, or you either.

[mafiaangel180]

Thanks for the reply. I've been there done that. Yes, he is abusive. Both physically and mentally. It hasn't been physical for a few months now, which is good. But he always yells at me and the kids, I mean screaming and cursing. Even on the only day he does come home. He has punched holes in the walls, breaks OUR things. He always puts us down or tells me what I'm doing wrong. I feel like a lost,small child around him.
Anyway, thanks for your opinion.

Wow, kind of sounds like my dad when I was a little kid. I remember being as young as four and wanting my parents divorced because of the way he was. I know you feel lost and small. But try to be brave for your kids.

[Depressed in MO]

Clean up the stuff on the floor; in fact, put on some good music and clean the whole house. Put all his stuff in boxes; you can get some at the grocery store for free. Go visit with your justice of the peace or magistrate, and talk to him about the two children you have that may be abandoned by their father and what your legal remedies are. This applies to the other child, also, if you are not receiving child support. Do not let your children lose their home, or you either.

I'd like to clean up the house. Maybe all his things will be gone by the time I get home from work today. I feel bad for wrecking it. But should I?

I just don't know why he is putting me through all of this. Also, why am I letting him put me through all of this.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford rent there by myself, which is why it has not been paid yet.
But thanks for the idea. It does make me feel better.

[George_1950]

Ma'am: you have to be strong and stand up for yourself and three children; if you don't, you risk losing your home and the children. If you are needing emotional support, then go get it. Perhaps you have a trusted friend, family member, or pastor? Go to your department of family & children's services; but go somewhere and get the help you need. I believe you can do this.

[Depressed in MO]

Ma'am: you have to be strong and stand up for yourself and three children; if you don't, you risk losing your home and the children. If you are needing emotional support, then go get it. Perhaps you have a trusted friend, family member, or pastor? Go to your department of family & childrens services; but go somewhere and get the help you need. I believe you can do this.

I know. I feel bad for taking the kids away (even though they don't want to be there) because he is their dad. But he's not ever around them anyway-I just need to get to the bottom of why I feel bad when I know I shouldn't! I even feel bad for messing up the house and I shouldn't!

[George_1950]

You don't want to be your own worst friend, that's for certain.

[Depressed in MO]

Statistcally(sp?), I've read it takes up to nine times for a woman to leave her abuser. I don't want to be another statistic.

I've gone to counselling-was suggested to go to a women's shelter. However, I just read somewhere else on here that-that was a bad idea. I'm not married to this person either. I just wish I could understand. I am not a psycho, in fact, everyone I know tells me that they cannot believe how calm I've been after everything I have gone through. Why do men/women feel the need to hurt the ones they say they love?

[George_1950]

"Why do men/women feel the need to hurt the ones they say they love?"

That's a good question; in many homes the spouse gets worse treatment than the dog or cat.

[Depressed in MO]

I've come on here many times, and many others have tried to help me. I do listen and take their advice up to the most that I can. I know the bottom line is-LEAVE HIM. I hate myself for the way I've allowed him to make me feel, for how I've become. I've been to a counselor twice. She was not very good. Just tried to send me to a women's shelter.
But it was free.

I just hate this aching, sickening feeling in my stomach. I feel like that is where my heart is and it is just shattered into pieces. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

[talaniman]

Sorry for your bad time, but its time to take a few good suggestions, and get you and those kids to a shelter, where you can put this behind you, and get the help you need to get back on your feet. Make sure he doesn't know where your going. Do this for you, and your children. NOW!

[Depressed in MO]

Well, he just called me. He said "I like what you've done with the place". So what-he deserved it. I didn't break anything. Well just the coffee pot. I just made a mess of things. I shouldn't feel bad but I do. He called me a few choice names and then I hung up on him. He said it is over now. I'm not going to try and fight him on it. And I won't try to contact him. It's hard because it is right before Christmas, but if he gave a damn about us he would have been home anyway. A part of me feels relived, but another part of me feels sad. I really did love him unconditionally.

I hope things will get better for us now. Me and the kids.

[George_1950]

I think things will get better if you want them too; and I can almost hear the angels singing "Hallelujah" for you right now. He is an abuser and a bully; but as you have said, this isn't the Season of Hard Feelings. Listen to beautiful music, love the kids, and stay positive.

[Depressed in MO]

I think things will get better if you want them too; and I can almost hear the angels singing "Hallelujah" for you right now. He is an abuser and a bully; but as you have said, this isn't the Season of Hard Feelings. Listen to beautiful music, love the kids, and stay positive.

Thank you so much. I am really trying hard here.

[DanieLovesPaul]

I would like to talk to you about this in a more private setting. Through e-mail or something like that. But this is something that I can relate to I was in an abusive relationship for what would have been 6 years in June. Please talk to me and here what I have to say. I will give you my phone number. Please respond as soon as possible. I feel that this situation the longer it goes on will be damaging to not only you, but you 3 children.

[DanieLovesPaul]

Please email me at [email protected]