[Paranoid_Android]

I really need help, and while I know you don't have ALL the answers, even some kind of insight will help. I tried to make this short, but there is too much back story to make it short.

Caution Again: It is long. The parts in bold are the most important.
Adam and I dated for 2 ½ years. Planned to get married, had some fights, but we got
Along pretty well, we just fit. Things were good, minus a short spell where he went to join the Marines and we had a huge fight about it. He didn’t make it through boot camp, we got back together, things were good. Till July. Met a guy online, he seemed nice. Gave him a nude photo with boyfriend's permission, but obviously not good move. I ed up. I know. Can only live with it now.
Adam then said “Lets Break Up” I thought he was serious, but he was joking. Found out he was joking and punished him for two weeks by turning him down. The third week, he met a girl online we'll call Jena. She was 17, going on 18 in a couple of weeks, and played music. Adam told her how he liked her music, and Jena is always happy when someone likes her music. Adam drove five hours to meet Jena. While there, Jena's friend called and while on speaker phone asked if Jena was going to sleep with Adam. Adam was a virgin at this point. Later on, Jena kissed Adam, one thing led to another, and Adam was not a virgin. Jena told him how she already slept with four other people, three guys, one girl, and she made a remark about me after having sex with Adam saying I didn't know what I was missing. Adam, of course told me all of this (at this point, I figured I was OK with the break up so we could talk things out like good friends). I later on got mad at Adam and told him I needed five months not to talk to him. I needed to get over him so we could remain good friends because I was being overly emotional and it wasn't fair to him. I knew I was going to try to make him choose me over her (which he wouldn't because he didn't want to hurt her), and it wasn't right for me to do so. So these five months were for me to respect the relationship as well.
Adam and I have two mutual friends named Alex and Smith. Alex was talking to Adam about how I love him and how I make him a better man. Adam agreed with this ALL ON HIS OWN, and then called me of his own free will. He called me up and told me how he didn't understand why he was doing this to himself. He knew he could have a happy ending with me, but he didn't know why he couldn't take it. I told him how I felt about him about how I knew I screwed up and I wanted to make things right. He told me he needed to think, but two hours later he said "No." I was understandably devastated.

Then, Smith and Adam met up at a restaurant (we'll say IHOP, but it wasn't IHOP). Adam talked about his girlfriend Jena, but only for five minutes. Then he talked about me for 45 minutes, and how he wanted to be financially stable for me, and how I needed to become emotionally stable. The only things he could say about Jena was she was fun, understood him, and that the sex was great. Any other time Smith would ask about Jena, Adam never said much, or he only brought her up in passing. He would always hint at wanting to talk about me, but Smith never wanted to go there.

Then at the beginning of Sept, Adam and Smith talked about me at last, and Adam said he had no feelings for me what so ever. He said though that he wouldn't rule out us getting together again, but that he didn't think of me ever. He also said I sounded like I had BPD (borderline personality disorder) which sounded weird, because at this point I had not talked to Adam for a month and a half. He said that what Jena and him had was a healthy relationship, and that again, she understood him, he didn't have to decipher her like an alien language and that things were good. He asked Smith to lie to me and tell me he didn't want us to get together again so that I could move on. At this point, I'm like... "Ok...I'll move on then."
So, no one talks to Adam for awhile. No email, not calls, no nothing. I have, at this point, found Jena's livejournal, and she talks about how great Adam is, but before this she was "engaged" to some guy she met online and how she wanted him to move into her house, and before that she was having sex with another guy but she couldn't figure out why she meant nothing to him. This girl sounded…unstable. Not because she said all of this, but because her bouncing between guy 1, guy 2 and then on to Adam happened all within weeks of each other. Sounded to me like she fell in and out of love easily. The only difference is that Adam is actually nice to her, takes her places, and drives up to see her.

[Paranoid_Android]

Sept 11th: Smith calls.
He tells me he had an interesting conversation with someone I would be interested in and begins to fill me in on the details. Apparently, Adam called Smith on the verge of TEARS and said he does not have the same feelings for Jena as Jena has for him, and he misses me. I was not ready for this. I was just beginning to calm down from everything and now this sprouted out of no where. Smith tells me that Adam is going to call later that night and talk to me. Unfortunately, Adam gets cold feet saying he thinks he's moving too fast, he doesn't want to play with my emotions or say the wrong thing. He said he'll call when he is ready. Again, we leave him alone. Yet he asked three times if I was over him, because he seemed worried.
Then last Monday, Adam calls me. The conversation began lightly enough. He asked how school was and I said it was great. He asked about the guys on campus and I said that there were some cute ones, but I wasn't interested at the moment in dating anyone. He asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no. I told him how I had grown in that I realized I was playing with his emotions but I wanted to stop doing that. I asked how Jena was and he said "She's great...fun..nice..yeah." and then I asked if there was something he wanted to get off his chest, and he said "No, you?" and I said "No." then he said "Man, I shouldn't tell you this.." and he began:
He said that Jena was great and all, smart, she understood him, but that he didn't have feelings for her. When I asked what he meant by she understood him he said "We finish each other's sentences, know what's on each other's minds, don't have to decipher her like an alien language." But that while at the beginning he had feelings for her, during the course of their month and a half relationship he just began to lose feelings for her. I said that when you find someone has feelings for you and you don't for them, you normally look for a way out. He said he was at that point. I said "I don't want to say anything that is going to persuade you to break up with Jena." and he said "In order for you to persuade me, would mean that I didn't want to do this in the first place." I said that if he really felt this way he should get out before he ended up proposing to her or something. He said that she had been talking about it a lot, them getting engaged, but he didn't want to do it. He said that they didn't fight or anything, but I pointed out that its only been a month and a half. I told him that breaking up would not be easy, and he said he knew that because he's already tried TWICE to break up with her. The first time he tried he used a really lame reason but he wanted out. He used their musical differences. The second time he used the fact she told him how she loved some guy after only dating him for 2 days and how could he know if she really loved him. She said it was different because she did love him and he was the only person who has even been this nice to her before. Each time she would cry, and he would back off. He tried being mean to her (by saying he loved her like a brother) and he would try to not tell her he loved her, but if he didn't say "I love you" back to her she would wonder why he wasn't saying it. He then told me that the night I told him how I really felt about him he realized he had screwed up. He said he almost left her in that moment, but because he wanted to make everyone happy, he decided to stay with her and give me the chance to date other people. He said he was settling for her.
So I told him "Why don't you just ditch her?" and he said "Because the last four guys did that to her and she didn't like it." and he wanted to be honest with her. I said "What about you moving? Tell her you're moving and it wouldn't work out." but he still stuck to wanting to be honest. I said to do it some weeks after her birthday because to do it soon after her birthday would be rude. He said her birthday past already this weekend, he really wanted out now, if he waited longer then it would just get harder. He was 100% positive he wanted to break up with her. He then said that when he was with her, his head was foggy but when he wasn't with her he knew he had to break up with her for sure. He said that the sex wasn't that good, you can have sex in a bunch of wild places, but the connection wasn't there. He also called her fat. He said that make out sessions we had were better than the sex he had with her. He asked me when I wanted to get back together, like would I be willing to go 1 to 2 years and I said "One to two years? How about a couple of months" and he said ok.
The next night, Tuesday night, he calls me up and tells me he broke up with her. He felt bad, and that he expected her to be emotional but he said she tried to be sensible (she was still emotional though). He used the excuse of his moving. She said that should could move with him and go to school there, or he could move into her parents house with her so that they could work (Does that sound sensible?) and he told her no. He then asked if I thought I had changed and I said "Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything? That's not why you broke up with her, right?" and he said "No." He said he had to keep reminding himself why he broke up with her, and I told him what he said the night before. He said it was all true. He said that if he had the money to marry me right now he would, but he wouldn't do that with her. But then he said "Yeah, I was only with her for a month, I don't know we could have lasted longer than that." and I said "Yeah, but your feelings for her diminished, so that wouldn't have worked." and he said "True." He then said "I'm leaving a good thing because I believe you've changed." This sounded like he was trying to shift the blame on to me. He said he was at a cross road with wondering who he wanted to be with, and then again he said he didn't want to be with her a long time. He admitted it was a mistake into getting into a relationship with her, and if he had to pick between ever meeting her or staying with me, he would pick me. He said he was trying to make himself happy, and not everyone else, and he said before he picked her because he was trying to make everyone happy. Again he began to bad mouth her, that while they understood each other, she didn't "get" some of the things he enjoyed. He couldn't have deep conversations with her like he could with me. How I was easier to shower with because I wasn't so big how I was better sexually than her and I did seem to get him and the things that he loved. And then we began to talk about things we didn't and did like about each other. How we could fix the things we didn't like about each other as well. Things felt good, minus that sentence about leaving a good thing for me. It sounded like he was certain it wasn't a good thing the day before. Especially with the way he kept trying to break up with her and bad mouth her behind her back.

Then he hung up. I hadn't heard from him in days. I left him emails. Nothing. Instant Messages. Nothing. Called his cell, was told that it was temporarily out of service. Then Sunday came, I read Jena's lj and it said:
"Adam broke up with me, and I left school. Then he (Adam) did a very smart thing and decided that what we have is too precious to give up. For my birthday I got boots and this here laptop. I named her Mammy because she is black and helpful. It IS fittin'" (that last part pissed me off because it sounded racist and Adam does not like racists).
So I was ditched for nothing. He came back into my life, for nothing. They hadn't had an argument so thats not why he said those things. He wanted to leave her all on his own with no help from anyone. He is still moving and he said he didn't want her to move with him or him move in with her because he wanted to do his own thing and he wanted her to do her own thing. So I'm assuming they probably will still break up. I wrote him and her telling her everything he said about her and telling him to EXPLAIN himself. She said she won't believe me because I'm wacko, trying to sabotage their relationship and she will not be persuaded to break up with Adam nor fight with Adam. I told her I wasn't writing to break them up, but to tell her to watch her back because if can say these things about her then she shouldn't get so heavily involved.
So my questions are:

1.) Why go back to someone you don't have feelings for (not just telling your ex this, but also your friend)? Was it guilt or what?
2.) Why just ditch me for no reason when things seemed to be going well?
3.)Does their relationship sound like something that could last, or is it a trainwreck waiting to happen?
4.)What do I do if he contacts me again?
I'm really at a loss here. If you can give some insight and mostly answer those four questions, much would be appreciated. Adam and I are 19 going on 20.[/b]

[Paranoid_Android]

Sorry this is so long. Too much back story, and I wanted it to be correct and all that. Mostly post two for the major jist.

[talaniman]

I can't believe I read this whole post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1.) Why go back to someone you don't have feelings for (not just telling your ex this, but also your friend)? Was it guilt or what?
Sounds like a very confused person!!!!!!
2.) Why just ditch me for no reason when things seemed to be going well?
Sounds like avery confused person!!!!!
3.)Does their relationship sound like something that could last, or is it a trainwreck waiting to happen?
Sounds like a rebound to me
4.)What do I do if he contacts me again?
You talk and discuss things as you have ben doing.
I'm really at a loss here. If you can give some insight and mostly answer those four questions, much would be appreciated. Adam and I are 19 going on 20.[/b]
Adam is trying to find himself, and is not ready at this time to be in any relationship. Much as you feel for him, and want him for more than friendship, he is unable to be what you want. He needs good friends now, and if you can't be that, then leave this guy alone. Sorry the way things have worked out, but you are to close, and to involved emotionally. He needs space. Leave him alone!!!!! He will call when he is ready. In the mean time you could be rebuilding your own life with friends and activities you enjoy. Waiting for Adam, as much as you care, is not healthy for your life.

[JoeCanada76]

Okay I read through the first post.

I think that you are not ready for any kind of relationship. He is not ready for any kind of relationship.

Your both immature. You both are looking at other people and both back and forth. You both sound as if your still in school and not mature enough to have any kind of relationship anyway.

It sounds to me that you both are better off without each other. This is not good for you or him. Do you know what I am saying here.

Also with everything you wrote and going on about so many other people, it looks like you could or are or already making yourself go crazy. WHO CARES ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE? Why are you so concerned about it? You honestly should not be. Be concerned with the decisions you make, you can not control anybody else.

Stay away from Adam, make sure he stays away from you and stop concerning yourself with this.

Its over.