[depressedme20]

Hello. My name is theresa I am 20 years old.

My boyfriend and I have been dating online for a little over a year now. I had just recently moved here on the first of July 07. I am now living with him and his wonderfully sweet caring family. I am blessed to know such good people. Anyway I feel distant from him now I feel he has changed a lot these past few weeks.He says he loves me.. yes. But he treats me like a guy-friend sometimes. He acts like a little boy, he swears or says hurtful things. And I don't deserve it. I have changed for him. I don't do the things I used to do because he didn't approve. I'm changing everyday. Anyway my main problem is our sexual relationship has now become something we don't do. I understand his family are 80% home all the time. But when we have privacy he just isn't interested enough. He loves to receive oral but I am left alone and untouched most of the time. He just doesn't touch me sexually. And I've always been insecure and I am becoming even more as the days go on. I feel so unattractive. I've tried talking to him... it goes... nowhere.

Please someone give me some advice

Theresa xox

[Canada_Sweety]

You're absolutely right that you don't deserve that. What do you say when you try confronting him?
If you're upset enough to leave him then tell him. If you're miserable enough to leave him on his marry way then tell him. Don't let him take you for granted. You are a strong beautiful woman and you do not deserve to be treated in such a bad manor.

[GlindaofOz]

Was this a long distance relationship before you moved in - you say "dated online" I'm not sure what that means

Anyway - moving in together is a really big step and there is a HUGE learning curve with one another. A friend of mine just moved in with her boyfriend of 3 years and she said they fight all the time and they don't have sex but she knows that its just that they are getting used to being around one another all the time. You go from dating where its just fun, fun, fun and then you get to go back to your own place, have your own space and your own time. When you move in its learning how to have space and time to yourself without alienating your partner. It can be frustrating to someone who misses that time to themselves. Add to that the fact that his family is around. It's a pressure cooker.

With all that being said I would tell him to stop treating you poorly and that you have had enough of that and if he is feeling frustrated or scared about this step that he needs to talk to you like an adult not act like a child. This is part of being in a grown up relationship.

[jocafer13]

Possible answers(listed by priority):

1.)I guess there's still more you have to get to know in the guy. I think he's starting to show his real personality not in the internet but in the real world.
2.)Since your living with him he treats you much like how he treats his family and also because he's held captive inside the house(watched by family) he can't show how much he wanted to show.
3.)I think the main reason why he does not want to engage in 'true form' sex is because he does not like to have responsibility yet. Not that early.

[talaniman]

I'm not sure about dating online myself and I honestly can't see getting to know some one that way. I think that's what your main problem is, you both are still strangers.

[Kattalover]

He acts like a little boy, he swears or says hurtful things.

Of course he acts like a little boy. He's still living with mommy and daddy, so why should he behave like an adult?

My advice: get a job and get your own place. Under no circumstances let him move in with you! This guy needs to grow up, and he won't learn what it means to be an adult unless he gets to live on his own.

[jaymaze]

It sounds more like you're finally getting to know him for who he truly is as opposed to him changing from someone you thought he was. It's very easy to be someone you're not when online dating because there's no responsibility there... you know you really have no obligation to the person and no need to sacrifice for her... when you need space you can just walk away from the computer and be alone and escape from the relationship.

You say you've changed for him but has he made any effort to change for you? Living together is hard enough when you know somebody well and are both committed to it... but it appears you may have set yourself up for failure by jumping into a difficult situation before you really got to know him. Clearly he lacks maturity, not only in the way he treats you and distances himself from you, but in the way you have sex as well. You should want to feel desired and needed. Any second you have privacy should be packed with passion. Stop catering to him... he hasn't earned it.

Any guy who treats his girlfriend like his boys clearly has an emotional disconnect and lack of respect for the relationship. Feeling distant is a horrible feeling and if your gut is telling you that something is wrong then you need to address it with him or it will eat you alive. Keeping it inside will just add to your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and he will walk all over you. Communication is key even if the answers you get from him aren't what you want to hear. You're young and you need to think long-term and focus on yourself rather than living for someone else.

[depressedme20]

Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I've known him since I was 18, as of tomorrow I'll be 21.

He loves me very much, Takes amazing care of me, and he wants to be with me forever. But my problem with him and only problem is. Sex. I feel I'm much more sexual then he, I've asked him if he has a low sexual apatite, or if I don't turn him on? Or what to do, or how to act to raise some feeling down there. When I undress around him, or take showers with him( that I have to beg for)... nothing happens. When I talk naughty or imply that I want sex, nothing happens.. I love him so much, I just don't feel attractive anymore. During sex he loses his erection. Sometimes he doesn't get up, He also doesn't last long, and I don't put pressure on him for it, I understand. He touches me sexually then does nothing with me. He'll group and feel my breasts and will not be aroused from them. But if I were to put pornography on and within 20 seconds he'll be stiff, it proves to me that I should be worried. He says I'm beautiful, sexy, says all the right things. I have talked to him about this so much that he now walks away from me. Gets terribly angry, I have to accept this? What can I do?

Please give me some advice.

[Stringer]

I am sure that other things could be involved here but he may be addicted to pornography.

If that is the case he may be fantasying and masturbating a lot. This is a problem in that he will have satisfied any desire he has for sex. I am not saying that pornography is necessarily wrong but it can be very addictive. And depending on the type of porn he may be watching, could even change his respect for women.

He is a young man and should have a natural desire to be with the woman he loves. Particularly if she is wanting sex often as you have mentioned.

As I stated above this may or may not be a factor. If the two of you live together you will have to observe this more closely. But even if you don't, I would at least bring this up. And don't expect him to readily admit anything...

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, this is something we warn about here all the time, often people who get addicted or use porn too much get mixed up feelings on what sexual activitie and how women and men should act. They get a lower sex esteem since they are normally not as big and don't last as long as the men on the movie, and then the women are not as trashy in real life.

Short term, have you tired sex with the porn on in the room, play out some of the things he likes in the porn.

But long term he needs to get off the porn unless you both on into it, and can work it into your activity ( not my idea of OK, but then I am not everyone) after that he may be having some ED issue in real life and can use some medication to help him.

[simoneaugie]

The first thing that came to my mind, was descriptions of several relationships by wives I have known. I read about ED. Unless the problem is medical, and I don't think it is, he does not want to have sex with you. Premature ejaculation is another symptom that can be a way of the body telling the truth. He doesn't want to be in there long.

This is not a statement of your attractiveness, or lack of it. It doesn't seem as if you are doing anything wrong. He is unlikely to change. Finding someone else would be painful at first, but if a guy was interested in your body and sexuality, it would be the best thing in the long run.

[depressedme20]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We're both 21 and very young.. I know! We've recently rented an apartment together ( by the way.. his parents hate me, dislike me and do not want us to be together. Funny thing is I've never done anything to them ) we seem to be fine living with each other. We're both very in love and we have a strong bond, and a great friendship.. but.
I am troubled by him... a year and some ago I asked him to stop watching Pornography and to stop reading erotic books. Figuring he shouldn't need it and since he tells him to my face he doesn't I asked for it to no longer be apart of our relationship. I am an extremely sexual woman myself. ( well young lady, I don't feel quite like a women right now ) moving on.. for about year now. We've had countless problems with sex. Mainly he just wasn't responding to me for months.. I became confused and depressed... recently I've asked him to stop looking at other women, I don't think it'll ever stop.
He is very unfair. He's also beats me a lot when I tell him I'm very upset about the lack of trust.I always forgive him. I am in pain right now physically and emotionally.
The reason I flipped out today on him was because I asked him to stop reading erotic books. And if there's sexuality in his medieval books.. to simply share it with me. And if it really bothers me.. to just get rid of it.

BUT he read half a book of extremely graphic stories.. he wasn't going to tell me. And he says I'm taking this too far... why is my heart breaking if it's not that big of a deal.

We don't have any trust. But I'll keep trying.

I am sorry this is so complicated.. there is so much to say.. I need help :(

Please *tear*

[JBeaucaire]

If his connection to porn is long-lived, you should consider it permanent. Like your love for __________ (fill the blank with something you like that he doesn't).

Being a porn afficianado doesn't mean a bad adult nor does it mean a bad sex life. Not on its own, that is. It is another art form that some (mostly men) are fine with, and some (mostly women) absolutely HATE.

The real problem with porn is two-fold:
1) Does it actually contribute to the sexual chasm you describe in your relationship?
2) Even it doesn't, and your sex life were fine, is it something you will accept as a hobby of his?

These are questions only YOU can answer. The chances of him giving up on his long-present porn habit are pretty close zero.

If his sexuality is actually affected badly by the porn, can you live with a man with a lower sex drive? Are you going to choose to stay close and make him miserable over it for years, even though you know this about him ahead of time?

If his sexuality ISN'T affected, then be honest, this is a problem with the huge perspective gap the two of you have on the issue. It's not the porn, it's the way you deal with the emotions it stirs up within you. The most destructive thing regarding porn is usually the HUGE, HEATED ARGUMENTS that ensue over it.

That's unfortunate. You don't have to make each other miserable. You can decide maturely and calmly that you can live with the things you don't like about each other or you can't. You don't have destroy each other completely in the disagreement over it... and whatever other issues of this strength that might crop up... like religion or politics or parenting.

Lastly, HE BEATS ON YOU DURING ARGUMENTS?! Seriously? Funny how you bury the REAL dangerous topic in the middle of all this smoke screen. You know exactly what I'm going to say... forgive him, and give him a ONE TIME chance. Make it official. Sit him down and let him know that the next time his hand impacts on your body in any way you didn't ask for, he's gone. Police will called, letters will be written, you will not only not protect his behavior, you will make sure everyone on the planet knows what he did and why you're kicking him to the curb.

You're blind ability to forgive him with no warnings or clear future consequences not only stupidly endangers you, it endangers your loved ones and most of all your future helpless children.

You need to be strong NOW, not just for yourself, but for him. He can squelch those instincts, and he will... but he needs GUY reasons to do so. "You wouldn't hit me if you loved me" isn't a guy reason, it's a girlie reason. He needs a guy reason like "every guy you know, your parents, the kids in the streets, everyone will know you are a sissy who beats on little girls like me. That's what you will win the next time you harm me. I expect you to protect me, from everything in the world you can possible protect me from, including your own immature impulses. You protect me...I expect it and i demand it."

[Handyman2007]

He "Doesn't NOT respect you"?? So what's the problem?

[kp2171]

This fu%#er beats you.

That's all you need to know.

Get the hell out.

Period.

Until you demand more for yourself, you won't get it.

He beats you. Do you want a life with a person who does this? no. do you want a child to live in a home where a man beats you? no. please no.

Please. no.

[depressedme20]

He "Doesn't NOT respect you"???? So what's the problem?

I am sorry I meant to type He does NOt respect me.. miss typed that and can't change.

[450donn]

As I see this situation, you have several problems. One, he is addicted to porn. And make no mistake it is an addiction just like drugs. Two, he has physically hit you. Three you are living with him without the benefit of marriage. What part of GET AWAY FROM HIM do you not get? This screams of a real problem, Get away from him and I mean NOW. He is physically abusive, and has an addictive personality. He is really mixed up and needs help, but not at your expense.

[kp2171]

You are young. The emotions tied to love are intense and it makes it hard for you to believe you can be better off, first alone, then with someone else. Sometimes when you are younger you grasp onto that relationship like its your only chance for happiness.

Been there, done that. Wasted some years learning some lessons... and I honestly don't think there is a healthy future with a man who beats you, who neglects you sexually, and whom you cannot trust.

You're scared to walk away because of time invested, because its unknown, because you have real feelings for him. But he isn't treating you well, and little things now can get to be bigger things later... marriage takes work. There's a lot of good that comes from the union, but it doesn't mean it doesn't need both partners on the same page and both willing to work together, to treat each other respectfully, and to trust each other.

That he beats you is enough for you to leave.

That he neglects you is real reason for concern.

That you cannot trust him is as well.

All of these together... really... its not OK.

There are a few billion people in this world. He isn't the only one that you can love. And he isn't the one who is treating you like a lover should.

[liz28]

Don't worry about the porn him hitting you is reason to leave and there no excuse for it so leave while you can before it get worse.

Never let any man hit you because if they do they are not a man and they don't love you let alone respect you.

The sad thing I got from reading your post is that him hitting you does bother you, I mean how long have been allowing this type of behavior?

[depressedme20]

He always tells me that he's sorry and that he loves me, and he'll die for me. Some days I really believe he loves me. Like.. just yesterday we had a fight because he was reading a book with a lot of sex in it and wasn't telling me after I begged him to share it with me. He broke my trust, so he came home with chocolates and flowers, as a sign of an apology . And this morning I awoke with flowers again. But.. today we were intimate and I was touching myself for him and it brought back bad memories... months ago we were trying to figure out why his sex drive was so low, and he thought is was a disorder so I lifted my top and it did nothing for him. He said it just couldn't.. something to do with pressure.. but then I said, well lets see if you have a problem with erections and I played porn.. and he got hard very quick. I was so upset I pushed him away from me and cried, I said why can't I arouse you and he said.. Like you'd do that for me like the girl in porn that got him horny was touching herself and it turned him on. Why should I believe him? After he hurts me all of the time. All of the time... his family is abusive to me, they always put me down, they say watch out for her she'll try to get pregnant and ruin your life. They blame me for his depression and his suicidal attempts and for dropping university. I moved her July 1 2007. I have no friends and no family... so support and they attack me and he hurts me like no one else... even though I know I'm a pretty stupid girl.. I love him with every part of my being and I feel he does too... he shows me when the bad stuff isn't happening. He buys me whatever I need, he supports me... but doesn't protect me, and today he was telling me he will protect me.. he will love me even more



This happened months and months ago, and I cannot let it go. He has said " i don't know why i said that" he must think I am really stupid.