[nick88]

Hi I know my username is nick88 but in fact I am a girl so don't think it's a boy talking about his boyfriend. Lol anyway I need some help on my relationship situation.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about a year now. It has has its ups and downs. I feel like I deserve someone better but I don't know if it's that or if its what I want to think. In the beginning I was very happy with my decision of going out with him but now we always fight. We fight about the littlest things and we piss each other off at times. I feel like he never supports me in anything, like he disagrees with me and it seems like he always wants to be right about everything. And when he thinks he is right he stays with it and acts all cocky about it. Sometimes he tells me, "what dont you have a brain? are you retarded?" I mean is this acceptable for him to tell me this. He sometimes hurts my feelings. For example I don't work well in fact I have never worked and I'm almost 19. He is almost 20 and he has been working since he was 15. So when we go out and he doesn't have money, he tells me if I can buy it so I would ask how much is it. And he would be like when I pay for stuff do I ever ask how much? Nooo and I would say well its my money I don't have a lot. And he would say its not your money. You don't earn your money its your dads money. And I would say I no but it's the money my dad gave me so therefore its my money now. I feel like when we are with his friends and he talk about me, He makes me seem like a lowlife girl who is dumb and can't take care of herself. Some other example would be: well this in fact actually happened last night I will tell you the story. My boyfriends friend invited us to come over to swim in his pool. My brother of eleven years old wants to go and my mom tells me if he can come, but niether did I or my boyfriend wanted him to come. I mean it is kind of weird for my 11 year old brother to hang out with his 18 year old sister you know? But he was crying that he wanted to go. My boyfriend starts bugging out and says "who cares about him, lets just leave, my mom would never ask me to bring my brother." Well I felt bad so I left, my mom then calls me back and says where did you go I thought you were going to bring your brother and so I went back and picked him up. We brought him to the pool even though my boyfriends friend bugged out and told us to go back home and forget it. Well I called him back and he said all right so we went. We had a good time and all, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. When we left my boyfriends friends dad calls him and said that my boyfriend nor I are allowed to go to the pool because he saw some little kid who he doesn't know in his pool. I thought this was ridiculous because it wasn't like it was some stranger. His dad knows me and knows who I am. Well my boyfriend and his friend are saying its my fault. My boyfriend starts saying nasty things to me like yea its your fault because if you weren't sush a (sorry for my language, but this is what he said) then you would stick up for yourself and tell your mom straight up no. And I was like well what did you want me to do I told her no and I left. Then he starts saying how from the beginning they were saying no and stuff, but no one specifically told me he is not allowed to come. They just made it seem that they didn't want him there that's all but I mean who would want a little kid hanging out with them right? My boyfriend then says "what dont you have a brain?, its an obvious knowing that he wasnt allowed to come so therefore its your fault." I seriously don't think its my fault because like I said no one told me he wasn't allowed to come. And then we jump to fact of me saying well I can't say what you would say to your parents because you don't give a f*** about anything and say the hell you want. I said how he was raised differently and stuff. I actually come from a hispanic family and he is from an american family even though he if half irish and half italian. Well then he has the nerve to tell me that I wasn't even raised that my parents molded me into what they wanted me to be and that their parenting skills are horrible. While he is telling me this, he not screaming. He is talking and this is how talks on a normal basis when he thinks he is right. I started getting mad because he disrepects my family and our beliefs. I told my mom what happened and she also thinks its ridiculous that we can't go to the pool anymore because I brought my little brother. I seriously do. My boyfriend then says something like "well us italians think like this and we all have this problem. blah blah blah" he says "its crazy how races think differently." but I actually don't think just because they are italian they think like that and if all italians think like this, its horrible because I just see it from my point of view. Say I had a pool and my friends boyfriends little sister wanted to come. Nor I or my parents would have no problem with that. Its just a little kid. I mean everyone was a kid once right. And it not like I don't know who my friends boyfriend is. I mean my boyfriend, his friend and I are like a trio I know him very well.

Yes I know its very long but I just want to explain every detail of it just so you can understand how my boyfriend is and how he thinks. I am not done yet there's some other things I want to lay down about him.

Well my boyfriend is not a big fan of colored people and even spanish people in that matter. He says that he doenst have a prolblem with me because I was raised like a normal white family does. That's because my dad makes money and I'm spoiled and I act white. You know I like techno, I wear hollister and abercrombie. That whole stuff. Like I don't act spanish you know? Well to what he thinks how they act. And so he hates going to my family parties because I'm not allowed to drink and because he doesn't understand spanish and because people at my parties are weird. Well he also makes it seem like italians are the best. OMGGG and right at this moment he just called me because we usually talk on the phone when he's not doing anything at work. Okay so he said that he was afraid to call me because what if my parents picked up it would be weird. And I was like how would that be weird. And he was like well because I might be the only white person who would ever call your phone. I mean I feel offended to that and when he talks about racist situations.

Something else that I want to add that he doesn't have a car and doesn't drive so I drive everywhere and its really annoying. I feel like I'm the boyfriend in the relationship. Also he is not romantic at all. He doesn't give me surprises or cute stuff like that. He also eats very unhealthy and he doesn't work out. I mean I love him very very much I really do but I don't no I need help.

I honestly think I can do better. Is something wrong with me that I think this way or do I really deserve someone better? Like am I the only one who has a problem with this or is it normal. Im thinking of dumping him but I don't want to make it a mistake. Just to let it out there I dumped him twice but they weren't serious real break ups. The first one lasted a half hour and the second like 3 days. But this time I'm seirously thinking about doing it for good. I mean I don't even know if he is cheating on me he says he doesn't and he would never do that to me. But he does talk to other girls. O something else he is a very jealous guy. He doesn't like it when I talk to me guy friends. So what do yous think about thiss whole situation??

[GlindaofOz]

Dolly, get out, get out, get out!! Of course you deserve better. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you kindly. No one deserves to have someone call them names and act like a jerk.

You are worth so much more then this. If this idiot cannot see what a wonderful woman you are someone else will. You should never stay in a relationship just be in a relationship especially if someone is disrespectful to you.

[O_Troubles]

Whoh! Lol when I first started reading I was like OK I've been with my boyfriend for over a year to and we have rough opatches too honestly everyone does its just mostly behind closed doors so you think everyone's perfect and there sooo not! But here it goes if your boyfriend demeands you it means he has no respect for you and when he does it in front of his friends he purposly showing you that he feels bigger then you and again doesn't respect you nor does he want his friends too. Also the fact that he is racist twords you and your family meands not only does he not respect you , or your, culture, he also does not respect your family, which obviously is not cool! It almost seems like an abusive relationship not physically but virbally! When he shows you and how and what you love so much disrespect, is all kkk about the fact that your spanish, and calls you names well that's not good. Its like the familys you see on jerry springer white trash red neck white guy dislikes colured people is only with his girlfriend because she takes the verbal abuse. I mean unless you have a sit down and talk things over you might have to break up. If you';ve had a talk and he's obviously not willing to change to better your relationship then yeah dump him! Nobody likes dumping or being dumped but your not freaking married so you know what yeah you deserve better! 2 things though 1. be proud of your heritage you make it sound as thou you aren't " like i dont act spanish you know?? " id be proud of that if you aren't OK but don't let your boyfriend dictate if you should be proud of that or not. 2. mabey getting a job is in your best interest. Become independent financally and if you don't want to work at McDonalds there are a lot of jobs out there like depending on where you live and no offence you seem a touch spoiled rich kid work somewhere fun like a spa you get free spa treatments every so offten its easy work being like a receptionist and its classy! But it might be for the better for you! Also if you do have a talk with your boyfriend ask him what your doing wrong in the relationship and let him knoe what he's doing, if he won't over come his rasism towards you and your family and other people that's not acceptable and if lets says he's says he's just stressed and he snaps at you because of money issues maney you should meet him half way and get a pat time job you know let me know what happens because I've been in relationships with felons, people that have abused me all that junk so I can help you depending on how things work out OK! -here to help

[clandestine1]

I'm going to try and tackle this one the best I can, feel free to disregard what I'm about to say, its just my opinion.

That feeling you have that you can do better is your gut instinct letting you know that something in your relationship is causing you to have second thoughts. Try it this way: Your best friend calls you up one night upset about a fight she had with her boyfriend. This isn't the first time its happened, and you can tell its really taking a toll on her self-esteem. She tells you the story that you just shared, and asks for your opinion. Get my point? If this was someone else asking you for advice on this, you'd be concerned and see the red flags, but because you're dealing with the situation its hard to take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective.

I've dated Italian guys, one was of the "I'm always right and you're beneath my intelligence" and the other was, "I'm smart and have opinions, but will listen to whatever anyone else has to say." Its not ALL Italians, depending on how much of the traditional upbringing they experienced. Take away the background differences and its still a pretty bad situation. What he is doing is demeaning you, your right to have your own thoughts, your right to have a working, thinking brain that might not coincide with his. Its called control, emotional abuse, and ignorance. My ex was very similar in that he would say things to me like, "You don't know what you're talking about," "you're all over the place," "you never make any sense, except in your own head." Over time, I believed everything he said to the point where I didn't know if I was really THAT stupid. If he said I was and he was older than me, surely he was right and I didn't know what I was talking about. Wrong.

They want you to feel beneath them so that they can control you however they see fit, making you take their word as the only way of things being in the world. It sounds insane because it IS... and if you're not there yet, slowly, these red flags are going to keep popping up warning you that something is amiss. Unlike you, I had a job and my ex would say that I was "just a cashier" and his job was "much harder because he actually sells things." Demeaning. Obnoxious. Choose any word you want for it, but its NOT RIGHT.

You're being conditioned to think that you're wrong, and he wins every time you back down on what you think because he knows he has control of the situation. My suggestion would be, when you're ready, when you've reached that point of enough is enough and you want the peace of mind to be able to think freely, without apology, start detaching yourself. Start figuring out what YOU want, what YOU think, what YOU believe. Your background is where you come from, its where any of us come from, but it isn't ALL of who you ARE. It's a part of you, one that he knew when he started dating you. To keep using it as an excuse, and to be so narrow-minded as to be racist against other ethnicities other than his own is ignorant. He needs to grow up, and you need to find a way to keep yourself in check as long as you're still seeing him. Think of a future with him: Would you really want your kids growing up with such a disrespectful person as their father? Teaching them all of the nuances of hate and intolerance of all things different?

You're a smart girl, and I think you already know the answer in your heart. Taking that final step to ending a relationship is never easy, but you'll get to that point where you'll either have to accept that this is who he is, or realize you CAN and WILL find someone who appreciates, respects, and loves you. Loving you and respecting you includes accepting your family, even if they don't agree with every parental trait. Take a step back and think about who you love more: Him or yourself?

Sorry this is incredibly long, but I hope this helped a little...

[SAB123]

If you are having these problems now, THINK about your future with him. Picture you guys married and having babies. Would you want him to raise your child a racist because I believe he would. I would get rid of him, he will never change and it's probably going to get worse. Don't waste anymore time, find someone who will treat you and your family with respect.

[Canada_Sweety]

A leopard doesn't change its spots... I know you wanna hold on, but my advice is try getting out like now, before it rags on any longer. Find someone better for you who respects you and your beliefs and won't emotionally/verbally abuse you. You truly deserve better then him.

[talaniman]

Some one who puts you down and attacks yourself esteem is not relationship material and you should stay a way before you get poisoned with their negativity. Your instincts are right on the money... You can do much better than this loser. He is a loser because he treats you like crap.

[LearningAsIGo]

He sounds like a total jerk. YES you deserve someone better!

[Donnica]

Honestly he doesn't deserve u!!

[ForeverZero]

First thing's first. You don't deserve better. Don't be lulled into this state that somebody isn't good enough for you, more accurately, you deserve to be happy. If you're not happy, it's not a reflection on somebody else's poor character or lower standing, they're just not right for you, that being said, assess the situation with that in mind, and don't jump on board with this I'm happy most of the time but... crap.

Next up, I'm a big fan of playing the devil's advocate, and after reading your post, I honestly sympathize with a lot of his frustrations, having been in a similar situation myself. I don't think he has the right to put you down the way he does, and I'm not saying he should, however I do agree with a lot of what he's saying. For example, my ex girlfriend used to let her family walk all over her. Examples I'd give would be when her mother used to take her child support payments and spend them on crap for herself, her mother made me go pick up her grandmother when I went to visit her at her place because she didn't feel like doing it herself.

Things like this drove me crazy, largely because she didn't want to be in these positions, but refused to do anything about it, yet she was johnny on the spot to get mad at me for pointing out how messed up that situation is, so as far as your brother and the pool thing goes, I sort of see his point. Now, take note that it doesn't mean it's open season to call you names, however, in my case, 2 years of that kind of frustration brought me to that place too, so I won't pretend to be above it.

You mentioned that it's frustrating that you have to drive everywhere, do you suppose it's frustrating for him to have to pay for everything? Particularly when you've never had a job and show no signs of getting one? I'd call that a wash and say you both have grounds to be upset, however if you can't find middle ground, you ought to find somebody else.


All said and done, it looks to me like you're just coming from two different places, and it isn't a fit.

[Ash123]

Dear Diary...

"Should I get a new boyfriend..."

Yes. We all agree.

The End :-)