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Dauthor · Jul 22, 2007, 11:30 PM

New to the site, but have been married 6 years 31 years old wife is 30. Ive wanted kids for a while now. My wife simply doesn't. We discussed this before we were married and she said that she wanted kids. I stopped asking about it a year ago, now all of a sudden she said that she is leaving the birth control. Not I'm ready to have kid. She didn't seem excited or anyting positive. I feel that she really don't want to have kids, but feels that she must because I want them. Do I go along and fulfill my life's dream to become a father although she is going into this halfhearted, or should I try to wait until she is content with this decision. Please help me

PamelaAnn077 · Jul 23, 2007, 03:55 PM

I would be really reluctant to see you become parents at this juncture, given what you've said about your wife's reactions to motherhood. Deciding to "give up" (perhaps) how she really feels and become a mother because she wants you to be happy is a very, very bad idea. Parenting is hard enough work and unless both of you are fully committed, your relationship will be at risk and that's not even mentioning how this might negatively affect your children later on. I am always in favor of 100% honest discussions between partners on these very life-altering decisions. You both need to talk, openly and frankly, about your feelings on child-rearing, etc. Perhaps there are some very real reasons your wife is reluctant to be a mom... she might have fears based on past experiences in her own childhood... she might think she'll make a poor mother... etc. It's hard to tell unless you both open up and really TALK. If you find that's not possible at home, I urge you to get the professional help of a therapist or counselor. Sometimes a third party can help "open up" the subject and help with the decision making. I wish you the best...

talaniman · Jul 23, 2007, 04:03 PM

Does your wife work or have a carer she is pursuing?

Dauthor · Jul 23, 2007, 09:26 PM

Yes she is a teacher, she has a masters degree and is content. She doesn't really like teaching. I have received a promotion that has just about doubled my salary she mentioned leaving teaching and going back to school. She has only been teaching four years. I think she doesn't want kids because she had to babysit her nephews when she was younger, and she hated it.

talaniman · Jul 24, 2007, 04:40 AM

I suspect those four years of teaching has her thinking also as I know its not easy dealing with kids, and their parents every day. Talk to each other as it important to plan, and she may not want to be at home for years, while you leave everyday. This is a big life changing event. Talk and listen. Lots of listening.

NowWhat · Jul 24, 2007, 08:00 PM

You know, there are a few things in marriage that I think could be "deal" breakers. The decision to have kids or not is one of them. Especially if you talked about it before you got married.
When I met my husband - we had a lot of the same goals. We wanted a large family - lots of kids, etc.
Well, we made our plans. I wanted to be, at least, pregnant by the age of 25. That b-day rolled around and I wasn't pregnant and he said he wasn't sure he wanted kids anymore. I didn't have my daughter until I was 27. I am glad that we waited. But, now, he has decided he doesn't want anymore. After a rollercoaster ride of "we will start to try again when she turns 2 - oh, I don't want anymore, Oh, I do want more". - it was tough. I never thought I would only have one. I hate the fact that she is an only child.
We have had so many arguments over this subject. I was really afraid that one day I would resent him. In those arguments I have even told him - if he had told me, when we were dating, that he didn't want kids - I would not have married him. It would not have been a match - we would have wanted different things.
I have, somehow, made peace with the fact that we have only one child. She is the joy in my life and if I am meant to have more kids, I will, if not, then it isn't in God's plan for me. I am blessed with what I DO have.

Talk to your wife, find out what the change of heart is about. If you can be at peace with the fact that you will not be a father - then great. If not, seek counseling to help deal with the fall out of someone else's decision. Resentment can come and knock you down - know how to handle it when it does.