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 Originally Posted by tabbarat
2. It is natural to be confused, but going back and forth between 2 guys? I don't think so. She knows she wants her ex, but she also wants you. You need to use your pair in the sack and say "hey~ I'm tired of being in the middle. Please pick a side and go on." If you don't say that, you're going to end up really hurt once she makes her choice if it's not you. 3. She is dumb in going back and forth with problems... a player in sense of flirting with you and her ex. 4. Her confusion and her job makes you mad? Well, why keep it in yourself? Help her find another job and make her choose who to be with. In the end, it's going to be a win-lose situation no matter what... maybe a lose-lose as well. 5. How is she worth the price if she's giving you problems? Also, this isn't love.. it's lust~ How do you tell the difference? She's going back and forth with you and her ex... tells you she loves then one second and apologizes for her actions the next second. 6. Well, I'm sick of relationships so I'll be signing my Army papers next summer. 7. Awesome =] |
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The thing is, I don't want her to pick a side... bc there is a chance she may choose her ex...
What I'm doing is influencing her choice... a swing vote if you will... u have to convince her into choosing u... I work in sales... and I know that to make the client choose you over the competitor, you have to differentiate yourself So I give her space to think, but once in a while, flirt with her, remind her of what we had and can have... try to influence her choice... at the end, when "election" time comes, who she "votes" for will win But just giving up and saying, I'm going full NC, u know where to find me.. dont think that will help much Trust me, I might get hurt a bit if she doesn't choose me.. but I'm strong enough to handle it... once you get over a 5yr relationship ending, you get over anything... on top of that, I'm 27, maybe thinking of being married in a few yrs... so I don't mind still going out and having more fun as long as I still got lead in my pencil ;) I agree with u: per your explanation, then she is "dumb and a player".. but I still appreciate her telling me the truth, and to a small degree can understand why she called her ex after 4 mnths during that stress phase She loves her job... doesnt want to change.. and likes who she works with... she got herself another month now, but still on probabtion... doesnt want to worry about finding another job until its final with this one Moreover, dubai has this stupid rule that if you change your work permit more than twice in less than one year, you have to leave for 6mnths! So if she gets fired before December, she is gone for 6mnths! So that's the amount of pressure she is under "problems" is a big word... she has problems at work... I don't have problems.. if I see her good, if not, I'm going out with the boys... im really fine.. but I do miss her like hell, I want to be with her, and still really like her.. I think its both love and lust Joining the army? Well good luck to u... if you want my advice, join when you have an administration in place that won't lie to its soldiers and sends them to their doom over a lie... but of course, I respect anyone willing to defend their country, GOOD LUCK TO U! |
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First of all, none of us called you a bad person. We are not being judgemental, just trying to be helpful to a young, desperate man in love.like millions of other young men.
But please don't expect people who have had similar experiences in their lives that are trying to help you look at this from various viewpoints, to put on their kit-gloves and stroke your ego. That's not what we are here for.
in fact, why doesn't her stupid boyfriend give up! I mean he should realize she moved... she met someone else and fell for him... she moved on.. she rejected his marriage proposal.. maybe he should consider giving space as well
And again, you ASSUME and think ahead too much where she is concerned. You are not in her head, and you should never try to be there - what you should be working on is gaining her heart by continuing the 'chase' with affectionate gestures and not psychoanalysis or thoughts of what you think she is doing wrong or right. Pay attention to her signals and accept her for what she is - not what you want her to be. If you can do that and get closer, that's half the 'battle'. But, we warn you that this is not a movie - it's reality - and will wind up according to how you deal with it through learning and growing. You want her to see your point of view and also wish her ex would do what you think he should, but I don't see you being very perceptive of our hints either, and you get irritated when we don't tell you what you want to hear. We cannot give you step-by-step instructions on how to get her back because you know that is not possible in any relationship unless you are living in one - even then, we all have to play it by 'ear' or 'feel the vibes' and communicate with each other. As has been said, that's life and sometimes we win, sometimes we don't, but it does go on and we learn from every path we took and will take in the future. It's the choices we make that mold us into who we are. So, you will make your choices and will live with them - whichever choices you make, I wish you luck and hope it all works out well for you. If not, we will still be here to help you get over it. It it does, we will be here to congratulate you in your determination and growth. One more thing.. her ex will always be a part of her life even if she chooses you - that's life, that's fact.. Can you accept that and live with it and go on from there without dwelling on her past?  I'm 57 and still remember my very first ex.. and the rest of them too- so what! They helped in molding me into the person I am now. Every relationship leaves it's mark and it's memories - they don't get erased or ignored and should never be the cause of anger in the next path in life. |
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by tabbarat
what I'm doing is influencing her choice... a swing vote if you will... u have to convince her into choosing u... I work in sales... and I know that to make the client choose you over the competitor, you have to differentiate yourself
So I give her space to think, but once in a while, flirt with her, remind her of what we had and can have... try to influence her choice... at the end, when "election" time comes, who she "votes" for will win A relationship is NOT politics. It should be a heck of a lot more HONEST!
But just giving up and saying, I'm going full NC, u know where to find me.. dont think that will help much
Building a relationship is not a game or a sales competition. You need to set yourself some 'emotional' goals and work on them one step at a time, to include the ups and downs, just like everybody else. We are here to help you, but you need to ask yourself what you really want. (I know I'm repeating myself, but I would not waste my prescious time if I did not care - you see I have terminal cancer and give advice for free, so rest assured that we don't gang up on anyone... )
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I didn't mean to bash your party, but as a canadian citizen, just giving my opinion.
True... she did move on, but was not COMPLETELY over him... didnt deny that. Again, she is confused even though her ex of 10yrs is back in the pic.. I look at it as an achievement instead of a sign for me to give up... Anyway, still not expecting anything... just waiting, taking things slow OK.. 1) thanks for all the advice... I never said that I don't appreciate it.. I really do.. and no offense, but I don't need anyone to stroke my ego, because as you see, it's pretty high already :P... since day 1 I've been saying what I plan to do, but thanking everyone for their advice... and just 2 days ago I told everyone, that as soon she moves back to ukraine, OR shows me she no longer wants me, you all will be the first people I tell and tell you I was wrong But you have to accept my determination, and take it as a sign of how much I care about this girl and want her back... I rarely fall for a girl, so when I do, I do my best to try to fix things 2) I don't have anything personal with her boyfriend... really I don't.. in fact, part of me thinks he is a lucky guy because he had her for 10yrs and lived with her for 3... he wanted to marry her, which shows me he is a stand up guy My anger is not directed at him as a person, but as her past that has come back to bite us in the @ss 3) I am trying to win her heart by gestures... I didn't give up... when we talked on the phone I told her that she is someone I really care about and want her to be happy even if its not with me... etc.. she knows how I felt about her when we were together, and how I feel about her now 4) your right, sometimes we lose, and sometimes we win... and I'm a big man to accept if I lose, and not scared of losing... but also I'm not someone who gives up for a girl he knows he can make happy in the present and future 5) I know her ex will always be a part of her life... he always was in a way during our relationship (the reason we were taking things slow).. I never dwelt on her past.. if you read my original post, I said that I didn't care and took it slow because I care about her... so I believe all things can be solved by communication I remember my ex too, and still talk to her when I need someone... my problem is not with her calling her ex when she was feeling stressed, but that she realized that she still had feelings for him, and got her confused Hmmm.. I know it's a stupid example, but are you guys FRIENDS fans? The show... Richard was monicas past, he wanted to marry her, but she moved on and met chandler... when there was trouble and she started talking to richard again and she started getting confused, did chandler give up? no... he went and told her he loved her etc... its a stupid example, but the point is that the past shouldn't always win... the new guy may just like the girl more than the old guy Thanks again Didn't mean to make a relationship into politics! Was just watching obama-mccain on the news and got me thinking :) Trust me, I'm not scared of rejection.. when I was a single guy, I would get rejected sometimes... its part of life... and I handled my relationship of 5yrs ending, so it made me stronger... I only move on (if it's a girl I love) when the fat lady sings... and so far, the fat lady hasn't sung yet... she is just standing on the stage thinking what to do ;) I'm sorry to hear about your condition... im in charge of the GARDASIL (cervical cancer vaccine) account here in dubai, so I know about cancer first hand; from doctors and patients... I really appreciate all the time and free advice you give.. hope you guys can see that... dont take the fact that I still do what's in my head as a sign that I ignore your advices, because its not |
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You need to stop comparing your reality to something that happened on a TV program. They have a script, you don't, although I think that you may be looking for one. What would you be saying if the outcome of the program was the other way around and the old boyfriend won out? You need to know that happens sometimes as well. Both are possibilities.
I can't help but think that this girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. She is using both of you because she has her own insecurities over the fact that she does not want to be alone. She is stringing her ex around JUST IN CASE she has to go back home. She is stringing you around JUST IN CASE she has to stay. That is not love, that is manipulation. That is being a player for her own wants and needs. She is playing both of you wrong. |
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She is not confused on one thing, she doesn't want a relationship with you. That's clear through all the confusion. What you have failed to see is, the friend zone label, she has pasted on your forehead.
I have seen this so many times, and no one wants to believe, the one they want more with, keeps feeding them just enough crumbs to give them some kind of hope to keep giving them attention. That's behind this whole thing, she keeps you close because she wants, and needs the attention you give her. You don't win any one back, that's not up to you, its completely up to them, and all the flirting, pushing, pulling, and gesturing means absolutely nothing. You also fail to see that, despite your "gestures" she hasn't changed positions at all. Prove it to yourself, and see what happens when she doesn't get the friendly attention she needs from you. She will blow your phone up, and wonder why your ignoring her. But through all of this, she ain't going to be your girlfriend. Hmmmm, makes you wonder why your doing all this, when you could be having such a good time with someone who is healthy, honest, and available. |
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Mom of 2: well, yes and no... true the girl is confused, but I don't think its out of manipulation... she has no idea what she is going to do about work, and doesn't even know if she is leaving the country or not... she really likes both of us... I mean that is her ex of 10 yrs, and I am the new guy that she fell for very fast...
Of course no one likes to be strung along, but she expalined it to me on the phone the other day... she just wants to take things easy until she sees what happens with her job/staying in the country.. her priority is sorting out her job first... the situation of me and her ex is secondary... but she isn't doing it out of spite or manipulation, just trying to protect herself Sure she started talking to him again, and told me to take it slow.. but it is no way a "break up", as is in just leave me alone... her words and actions so far don't indicate she wants me out of the picture yet.. and I'm going to be there for her until we see what happens with her job.. supporting her as a friend/bf (if we get back)... as long as she has feelings and is confused, I'm going to be there for her, I have nothing to lose; on the other hand, I have everything if I have her back because I really like her talaniman: do you flirt with your exes? Do you go to where they are knowing they will be there... when they tell you "i have to go", do you tell them "no dont hang up, i miss u"... nope, because you have them in the friend zone... she doesn't have me there yet (to her admission as well).. she told me on the phone that she really likes me still and that's why it was awkward the first time we bumped into each other But your probably right.. she gives me crumbs so I can give her attention.. and I give her crumbs too so she doesn't completely sway to her ex and maybe get her back.. or to answer you better, make HER decide to come back Nope.. dont wonder.. I know exactly what I'm doing... had plenty of "healthy, honest, available" girls in my day... now I just want her.. but thanks anyway I mean I flirt once in a while, but still living my own life.. when she decides, she knows where I am But let me ask you.. why are you so pessimistic? |
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I wouldn't call it pessimistic as much as I would experience. From the 8 or 9 months I have been on this site, I have yet to hear a success story in where the girl went back after a break. I mean if you read through all the posts on this site, there aren't many success stories are there?
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True... u have a point.. the chances are slim.. and that's why I say I'm not expecting anything... think of it this way, if I was scared of rejection and knew the chances were not to my favor, I would have walked away and saved myself some pain.. BUT, instead I'm still in the game in a way... which either shows I'm really smart or really stupid :P... only one way to find out, and I'm willing to risk that for this girl (I only fall for a few girls)
And hey, there's a first time for everything ;) |
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I'm not pessimistic at all, and if you follow my posts, its about being healthy and realistic. Your female isn't the poor, helpless, confused, thing you think she is, and has her own motivations for doing things. My point is, make your decisions based on facts, and not feelings, because despite what females say, it's their actions that reveal the true intentions. That with all us humans.
I also suspect there is something your not telling, because you seem mighty invested for a 4 month dating thing. Especially since a player like yourself is hung up on this female, and should know full well, it takes more than the feelings of one to make a relationship. As long as you play "the game" by her rules, you lose.
Make HER decide to come back
He moves on, as there is no more thrill in the chase. |
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1) I disagree, she IS confused.. but you are right, she also knows what she is doing... she doesn't want to decide on anything before she knows where her job puts her; stay in dubai or go back to ukraine for 6mnths
2) her actions tell me she still has feelings... no, scratch that.. she TOLD me point blank she still likes me (during one of those long phone convos we had in which she didn't want me to hang up and kept flirting with me)... so there is no doubt there is still smthg there, or else I would have been out of the pic 3 weeks ago when the break up happened! I'm no fool, I don't waste my time on a girl that doesn't want me... but I know she still does 3) I like how your trying to analyze me :P... I never said I was a player.. that is an ugly word... I just like being single, partying, meeting different girls, etc... most of my adult life has been single with dating girls for a max of one or two months.. nothing special... I have only fell for 2 girls, my ex of 5yrs which ended because she wanted marriage and I wasn't ready yet, and now this Ukrainian girl for 4 months... the reason I'm so "invested" is because she has everything I want in a girl and more.. we just click... we didn't fight once in 4 mnths! I can't explain it.. but I have been in dubai for 1 year now... the 4mnths with her were better than the 8mnths I was single in! (mind you I had my first threesome during that time ;) )... I rarely "invest" in a girl, but she was definitely worth my "money" ;) Its not about ego.. trust me... she knows I can go out now and pick up a girl... some used to call me when I was with her.. and she would see me ignore their calls... I don't have to prove anything to anyone... And the chase is not over, the thrill is still there... bc actually, now I realized how much she means to me Hope I'm shedding light on why I care so much... all your advices are sound, and to be honest would probably give them myself to some poor sap on this webpage, but you guys have to be in my place to fully understand... im keeping my expectations low but am strong to handle whatever may result (I think) As for ASH123: what makes you think she FULLY moved on?. and yeah, if all goes down the drain, I won't mind being friends with her.. just like I'm still friends with my ex of 5yrs... when I told her that I want you to be happy even if its not with me, I really meant it because I do care about her purely |
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I know I stated I wasn't going comment anymore but I wanted to point something out to you.
First you say:sure she started talking to him again, and told me to take it slow.. but it is no way a "break up", as is in just leave me alone. Then you say: there is no doubt there is still smthg there, or else I would have been out of the pic 3 weeks ago when the break up happen. Was there an actual break- or not? First you say:she was the one who said she loved you first. Then you say, she only likes me. Which one was it? Tal stated you were a player because you stated it in your eariler post. Now you say, player is a ungly word but yet you used it and associated it with your name. Also, you can win someone heart when it is there to be won. What your going do win half or 1/4 of her heart? |
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1) Welcome back lizzie!
2) well, it WAS a break up in the sense we aren't together anymore... but NOT a break up in the sense that she still has feelings and is confused... when I break up with someone it means "leave me alone".. her break up was more of a "lets take it slow, give me time and space i am confused"... if I felt she didn't care about me anymore, I would have left 3 weeks ago 3) what I said was, until I left for vacation for 3 weeks... we used to tell each other I really like u, I really care about u, etc... one night she messaged me "i love u", and when I called her the next day, she said she was just feeling emotional because she missed me so much, but she wants to tell me it in person when I get back from my vacation... but we never got the chance... so lets say she really likes me and I really like her, but if things continued great with us (and she didn't get the warning at work), we definitely would be telling each other "i love u" now 4) I'm a player in the sense I like meeting different women and like to be single and party and travel... but NOT a player in the sense that I cheat on women and treat them badly and lie to them... never have, never will... in fact, the reason my relationships last 1-2 mnths is because I'm honest and break up with them first before I do smthg with someoen else... I have a younger sister, so I treat women the way I want guys to treat her.. with respect and honesty 5) of course I want her full heart... I know she wasn't FULLY over her ex while she was with me, but she was moving on and things were amazing with us... UNTIL the warning at work, stress etc. came and her past came back in the pic... so I want her back, then we'll go back to working on moving on and continuing where we stopped |
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all your advices are sound, and to be honest would probably give them myself to some poor sap on this webpage,
but you guys have to be in my place to fully understand
You still hold on to confused huh! So be it. |
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No disrespect to anyone,, in here I'm just like the rest of these guys.. true
And yes, still hanging on to confused... bc of all the examples I've said in my posts, because I'm the one living the situation, and because she told me straight out she still likes me.. u have to trust me on this one... If I was sure she FULLY wanted me out of her life or only FULLY as a friend, would have been gone long time ago my friend Take care |
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Given all the facts: ukraine, old boyfriend, job stress, new culture, new place, "confusion" and flirting in bars... she is clearly not serious. How old is she? 25? Has she gone to college? What is her relationship with her parents? What is her financial situation? What happened with her EX? How did they break up? How many friends does she have in dubai?
Since you have not had many serious girlfriends I know this feels really special - especially since she's making you work - but I am not sure yet this is too much. Look at these questions and I'll see. Also, what do you do? |
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