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newborn24 · Dec 27, 2009, 09:23 AM

My girlfriend of one year plus has just broken up with me. Reason being that there was a third party and guess what, the third party is a girl
Reason that my girlfriend gave is that she feels that we have been taking each other for granted and the love between us is getting quite mundane and routine and she finds in this girl what she couldn't find in me. I also knew this girl and her sister as they were colleagues with my girlfriend.

I admit that I have been neglecting her for quite some time due to my work commitments and busy schedule and she did tell me time and time again about the appearance of this girl that she felt something for her but I always dismissed her warnings as I thought this kind of thing would not happen to me.

2 months have passed since our unofficial break-up... we initially wanted to stay away from each other as we wanted some time to ourselves to work things out... During these 2 months, I realized that I really love her and wanted to give our relationship a second chance. However, she became close to the girl and she told me she wants to be with her. My girlfriend said she's not a lesbian and only have feelings for this girl and not other girls. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with this girl.

Now the problem comes when I am not sure whether should I let go of her and give her my blessings or should I persist and wait for her. My girlfriend comes from a very strict and traditional family and if her family knows about this, they will surely come down on her hard and her relatives, which I am close to, will not be able to accept this... and I am her only boyfriend which her father accepts till this day... I am also unwillingly to let go as I do not feel that this girl is able to provide my girlfriend with a good life... This girl certainly does not have the means to protect my girlfriend too... Honestly speaking, I do not think that their relationship will last.

However, if I persist and manage to salvage our relationship, will the same thing happen again when we get married next time? I can predict that my work schedule will get busier at times so I am worried... It's a risk I think that I have to take if I want to win her back...

I am not sure whether my girlfriend is in a rebellious stage ( early 20s ) or she has discovered a side of herself which she never knew she had before ( lesbian side ). She asked me not to wait for her as she does not know whether will she come back to me in the future... she knows she can't have the best of both world.

Btw, she's my first love and hence it is very hard for me to get through this... During the time we were together, we were like the model couple and the envy of many others, we were supposed to have a bright future together but everything has changed.

The main question is, even if I decided to win her back, I am not sure how to do that as the other party is a girl.

talaniman · Dec 27, 2009, 09:59 AM

She dumped you for another, and whether they make it or not, is totally up to them, not you.

You leave her alone, to find your own way without her, and find whatever your thing is to be happy about.

In short disappear from her life, and get your own.

It's a complete waste of time to convince her to give you what you want, because she wants something else, and your not it. Accept that, and don't get stuck, and make it worse than what it is.

amicon · Dec 27, 2009, 10:07 AM

She's with somebody else.
You respect her wishes and leave her be as that's what she told you to do. Get your own life back on track,heal from the breakup and move on.

newborn24 · Dec 27, 2009, 11:21 AM

I am trying hard to move on. Life's getting better by the day as I brainwashed myself.

However at times, I will still be reminded of her and the thoughts to woo her back creep into my mind.

I am also not prepared to let my friends know about the break-up. I am not sure how to handle the gossips that will start once news spread around. We have so many mutual friends and we seem to be the ideal couple around.

amicon · Dec 27, 2009, 11:30 AM

Let those thoughts creep out again. And if you have mutual friends they'll find out soon enough anyway.
Besides it's her life her relationship and her story to share as she pleases.

talaniman · Dec 27, 2009, 02:45 PM

Your holding on for the wrong reason guy, from fear of what others will think of you. Who cares what she says about the break up. Who cares what others think.

The real problem is maybe your out growing your social circle, and need to broaden your horizons some. Again, I smell fear, but this time, of facing the unknown.

Try it any way.

Alty · Dec 27, 2009, 03:12 PM

I admit that I have been neglecting her for quite some time due to my work commitments and busy schedule and she did tell me time and time again about the appearance of this girl that she felt something for her but I always dismissed her warnings as I thought this kind of thing would not happen to me.

So, while you were together you didn't treat her right, now, after all is said and done, you regret it. She told you how she felt while you were together, it's too late to do anything about it now.

During these 2 months, I realized that I really love her and wanted to give our relationship a second chance. However, she became close to the girl and she told me she wants to be with her. My girlfriend said she's not a lesbian and only have feelings for this girl and not other girls. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with this girl.

Now that you've had some time alone you realize that you love her? Too little, too late. It takes two people to be in a relationship and she's no longer in to being in one with you. She found someone else, it doesn't matter who that person is, female, male, she's in love with someone else. You're in the past and that's where you'll stay. You can't make someone feel what they don't feel.

However, if I persist and manage to salvage our relationship, will the same thing happen again when we get married next time? I can predict that my work schedule will get busier at times so I am worried... It's a risk I think that I have to take if I want to win her back...

You really think a lot of yourself, don't you? If you persist? It's not up to you, it's her choice, she's made it and it's not you. Why can't you accept the fact that she's no longer yours, she's with someone else.

I am not sure whether my girlfriend is in a rebellious stage ( early 20s ) or she has discovered a side of herself which she never knew she had before ( lesbian side ). She asked me not to wait for her as she does not know whether will she come back to me in the future... she knows she can't have the best of both world.

She's bi-sexual. She told you not to wait for her because she's trying to be kind. She doesn't want to come right out and say "you don't have a snowballs chance in hell, so forget about me".

If you want to waste your time trying to get her back, we can't stop you. Some mistakes you have to learn yourself.

The main question is, even if I decided to win her back, I am not sure how to do that as the other party is a girl.

newborn24 · Dec 27, 2009, 06:45 PM

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for replying. Having read through all the replies, I will like to know whether is it possible to continue loving a person, despite not having or possessing them by your side.

Currently, I have only tried NC for 2 times. The first time I failed in the 2nd day :( The second time, which is now, is much easier as she is currently away on a trip which gives me an opportunity to begin my NC.

Having said that, I believed that I am over the worst period of the break. Nothing can be worst than the first 3 days where I cried every night. I still think of her every now and then but I tried to push all these thoughts to the back of my mind. I know that even if I do try to win her back, there are aspects of myself I need to change first, flaws which I need to correct before I even try doing anything. Addressing these flaws of mine are my main concerns now.

Looking back, I am still very grateful for all that has happened. She's the first girl that taught me about love and I grew pretty much from this relationship through all the great experiences. Hence, I am a bit reluctant to totally cut her off from my life. Since she has already move on with her life, I was wondering whether is it possible for me to do the same thing while maintaining in contact. Anyone has successfully done that before?

Oh and I have already accepted the fact that our break-up is a done deal. Or am I still in denial haha?

hheath541 · Dec 27, 2009, 07:27 PM

If you 'try to win her back' all you'll manage to do is drive her farther away from you. No one reacts well to someone trying to tell them that they know what's better for them, or trying to coerce them into changing their mind.

She's found someone else. You need to respect her wishes and do your best to move on. Don't contact her in any way. Remove her from any online friends lists you may have her on, to keep you from being tempted to check up on her and contact her. Refrain from asking your mutual friends for updates on her.

You need to work on moving on. There's nothing that can make you stop loving her just because the relationship ended, but you can't let that control your actions. You don't have to start dating someone else until you feel ready. You just can't let yourself be fooled into thinking that if you wait, or try to win her back, that you'll get back together. Use your time wisely, to work on getting over the breakup and move on from the relationship.

talaniman · Dec 27, 2009, 07:49 PM

I was wondering whether is it possible for me to do the same thing while maintaining in contact.

From what I have read, stay with NC, because you can't control yourself once you see, and talk to her. Plus she may not have time for you, since she is into someone else who is occupying her time. So why force it?

That's not moving on, or healing. NC is!!

Talaniman Rule- when you get dumped have the courtesy to disappear from their lives.

newborn24 · Dec 28, 2009, 07:16 AM

Today I went for a short trip with some of my classmates and wanted to tell them about my break-up since a few of them are mutual friends. Before I get the chance, they started discussing about our girlfriends and I did not manage to let them into the news.

Terrible. I spoke as if my girlfriend is still with me. I did not want to say much cause I did not want to spoil the fun and jovial mood that we were all in.

Yup, I guess I will have no choice even if I wanted to continue my relationship with her. My school starts in a week time and since its my final semester, I will be busy throughout the weekdays from 8 in the morning to 8 in the night. I am worried that if we do even get back together, will the same thing happen again during this final semester which is going to last all the way to June after my final exams.

Sometimes, I wished that the third party is a guy instead. At least he will be able to provide for my girlfriend and help her fulfill her dreams. My ex has a troubled childhood, having gone through a lot and I really do hope that her adult life will be much better.

Having said that, my relationship with her hasn't always be great. She has a fiery temper and likes to throw the occasional tantrum. She gave a lot into the relationship but at the same time expected a lot back too. Even before she initiated the break up, I already have some thoughts about breaking up with her. But its funny when she initiated the move, all these thoughts got banished to the back of my mind. Its only recently that I am able to think more clearly.

Guess I am still some way from getting over her :(

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 07:30 AM

Why not actually phone your friends and tell them what's happened? That way you can tell them one at the time.
Don't worry about her future life,that's her business now.
Take care of school and your own healing.
Healing takes some time but you'll get there.

hheath541 · Dec 28, 2009, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by newborn24

Sometimes, I wished that the third party is a guy instead. At least he will be able to provide for my girlfriend and help her fulfill her dreams. My ex has a troubled childhood, having gone through a lot and I really do hope that her adult life will be much better.

That is one of the most demeaning, homophobic, offensive comments I have ever heard. What makes you think that just because she's with a girl, she won't be able to fulfill her dreams? What makes you think this girl won't be able to 'provide' for your ex? What makes you think your ex NEEDS anyone to provide for her?

You need to get over your homophobic and sexist point of view and move on. First, and foremost, you need to STOP referring to her as your girlfriend. She ceased to be that when she DUMPED you. She is now your EX-girlfriend. You can't, and won't, move on as long as you insist on seeing the relationship as still alive.

If she's going through a stage, then that's HER business. That fact that she even TOLD you about the other girl, shows that she trusted you a lot more than you have shown yourself worthy of. It is harder than you will ever know to come out to anyone, especially someone you care about. She was expecting you to be upset, but I'm sure she was hopig you'd be more mature than you have been.

Grow up. Move on. Stop trying to delude yourself into thinking you can get back together or that the girl she's with now will ruin her life, just because she's a girl. If you can get over yourself long enough, you might even be able to help her.

She's going to need a support system when she comes out, or people find out she's now with another girl. It's very likely that she will lose friends, possibly all of them if they're all like you. She's going to need someone willing to stand up and tell people that her choices are HER'S to make and that no one else has the right to judge her or tell her what to do. If you can, honestly and completely, get to that point, then you will have a friendship with her that will be far stronger, and mean more to both of you, than your romantic relationship ever did.

Alty · Dec 28, 2009, 01:20 PM

She gave a lot into the relationship but at the same time expected a lot back too

This is one of the most moronic things I've ever read.

Duh! A relationship is give and take. What did you think would happen, that she gives, gives, gives and you do all the taking?

I suggest you take some time and figure out what a relationship is really all about before you start dating again.

jmooney527 · Dec 28, 2009, 01:44 PM

Stop worrying so much about what others think. You don't have to keep up appearances just to make yourself look good to other people. You ended up lying to your friends that you were still together with your ex. If they are mutual friends, then either they already know or will find out whether you want to say it to them or not. If not then they'll know you lied to them just to save face. To me that's even worse than facing the truth.

If you want her to be happy then let her go and stop trying to "save her". She already made it clear what she wants, so let her live that life on her own and start living yours.

valkman98 · Dec 28, 2009, 04:03 PM

I got to say you have been give the advice you need now do the work. Let her go, fix yourself and really look into yourself and your wants. 1st love and losing that is hard, but it is a reality. Use this and LEARN! I have went through that same thing, and if you use this time to get your mind right. The next relationship will bet better. Can't say it will work but better. This kind of thing really opens your eyes doesn't it? If you don't work on yourself I hope you like pain.

newborn24 · Dec 29, 2009, 10:38 PM

Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry if my posts offend anyone here.

Yup I guessed the signs were there. I am her 7th boyfriend by the way. Still continuing with NC. As for my friends, I am no longer bothered about what they think or what they know cause it no longer bothers me. If they manage to find out, let it be. If they are still in the dark, let it be too. No harm will be done.

Recently, life has presented me with more challenges and until I get this problems solved, I don't think I can be in any more relationships. I am at a stage where there are more important things to take care of rather than thinking about love. Perhaps this period may aid me in moving on too, esp now I don't even have the mood or effort to think about her again.

How do you cope with life when some obstacles seems so tough to be overcome? I feel so trapped in my situation. Argh...

amicon · Dec 29, 2009, 11:04 PM

Invest your time and energy in overcoming the obstacles and in meeting the challenges ,whatever they are and wherever they are.
Good luck.

talaniman · Dec 30, 2009, 07:41 AM

How do you cope with life when some obstacles seems so tough to be overcome? I feel so trapped in my situation. Argh...

Keep your eyes on your goals, and get through the obstacles.

hheath541 · Dec 30, 2009, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by newborn24

How do you cope with life when some obstacles seems so tough to be overcome? I feel so trapped in my situation. Argh...

You live life each day at a time. You focus on what you need to do NOW, not what you think you should've done yesterday or should do tomorrow.

If you have a lot free time, find things to fill it. Read. Make something. Go for a walk and listen to music. Just find things to keep your mind busy so you don't dwell on the bad things.