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paxe · Sep 23, 2009, 12:04 PM

I don't want to sound too harsh here or too insensitive, but I've been in your shoes and the same situation as you have. In the end of the day, if she truly loves you she would have stayed with you. She may love you, but she isn't in love with you anymore.

You are putting yourself in a horrid situation and you aren't able to see it. Actually it will hurt you less if you let go now then if you tried your luck. She IS going to find someone, and then the excitement of a new relationship is going to kick in. I mean why would she stay with you after 3 years when she could have any guys out there that is new and fresh.

There is a lot of difference between what many girls say and what they do. I trusted my ex, until I learned she cheated on me. She then told me she was going to wait for me to come back from a trip and she went with someone else. I was with her for 3 years.

Use your brain and don't use your feelings. Read all the threads and your situation is so similar with many other guys, "she is confused", "she doesn't know what she wants", "she only wants a break". We have all been there and we passed through the pain so that we can tell people like you not to do the same mistakes.

talaniman · Sep 23, 2009, 06:59 PM

If you want to put your life on hold in the hope she will be yours forever, go ahead. But don't be mad if her feelings do change, and she likes her new found freedom, but still is not ready for the forever thing as you are. Is she worth the risk?

bjohnrupp · Sep 23, 2009, 07:17 PM

Take it from me... she is done with you- not to sound harsh but I've been there/done that. She may have already found someone. DO NOT waste your time with her- see how much she really loves you and start the no contact rule. If she trly loved you she would not be kicking you to the curb! Like everyone else said she will find someone else and you'll end up much more hurt and confused.

Cat1864 · Sep 23, 2009, 07:57 PM

Let me see:

1. You are both 19.
2. You have been together for 3 years.
3. That means you first started dating at age 16.
4. When did you have time to experience "longer relationships"?
5. You broke up before? How many times? For how long? Have the causes been taken care of or have they been ignored?
6. If she came out and said, "It's over," how would you react?

It sounds like there is more to this than "I want to experience..."

CanIBuyAClue · Sep 23, 2009, 08:09 PM

I have to agree with others, that you should take this as you're through, and start moving on. If she comes back to you, then fine but don't count on it. That doesn't mean that you have to go out and start dating people, just keep busy with yourself and friends like you say you plan on doing. I personally would not be OK with what seems like renting out my girlfriend / potential wife out to other guys. I think about it logically... if I am so in love with somebody, I am not thinking about anybody else, or if I am "missing out" on anything. My partner should be everything that I need. Just my two cents.

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 06:54 AM

I actually got dumped once with the lines " If you love something let it go...........", and once, " take a second look later", and even, "if its meant to be............", none of them ever came back, they moved on! So,

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped for whatever reason, have the courtesy to leave, and do your own thing. You are single and free, whether you like it, or NOT

My point is she will be a different person when you next see her. So will you. Act accordingly.

harriejansen · Sep 24, 2009, 07:19 AM

Have you ever had one of your many conquests come back Tal?

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 07:37 AM

I disappear, and heal, rather easily, at least after I learned not to fall to deep, or to fast, after all, it was during the dating years. Once I got married though, I have been rather busy just paying attention, and focusing on what's in front of me.

Most people, once they heal, just move on, and don't want to go back. That's why healing through NO CONTACT, is so important.

Only then can you make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings, which have been hurt. I think you deal with exes, and all situations better when you are under control of your feelings, and they don't CONTROL you.

Just came across this post this morning, and its an excellent read.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-399345.html

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 09:36 AM

I agree its crappy and thinking of it in the sense of well if you'r ehappy, there should be no need to explore. But I also know some couples here, including my own sister who did that before they got married or engaged. Yes, they're incredibly happy, but there's that small part of them that needs this before they can move to the next level. I know it's a 50/50 thing and sometimes it never works again or whatever, but also knowing how it has, I'm giving it a shot. When we reassess things in a few months, I don't know if I should impose a decision deadline or what. Part of me wants to tell her she needs to decide at that point which it is, but others tell me not to. Blah.

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Let me see:

1. You are both 19.
2. You have been together for 3 years.
3. That means you first started dating at age 16.
4. When did you have time to experience "longer relationships"?
5. You broke up before? How many times? For how long? Have the causes been taken care of or have they been ignored?
6. If she came out and said, "It's over," how would you react?

It sounds like there is more to this than "I want to experience..."

1)Yes
2)Yes
3)Yes
4) I dated a girl for just under a year when I was 15.
5)We broke up once, last year. It was for somewhat the same reason in some ways, she loved me but felt guilty that a small part of her wanted to see what it was like to be with someone else since we had been together since early hs and I'm her only boyfriend. During that time though, a lot of stuff went bad with her and she basically stayed at home pretty much for the few months because her mom had a brain tumor,etc, so she never really had time or wasn't a priority to find that experience. After 4 months or so, we started hanging out a bunch more and basically started going out again, just not officially or whatever. Since then, things have been amazing, took some roadtrips this summer, went on another vacation, lots of new stuff. So the causes haven't been taken care of really. I guess I just was wanting her back. This time, I still want her back, even more, so I'm willing to wait the couple months until we reassess our break, but I'll make sure she figured out what she needed to this time, because I won't go through this again.

6)I'd be pissed and probably just end things completley. Usually haven't done too well as friends after a relationship, but she and I managed to do it pretty well after a week or two. We're doing the same thing now. We already had some plans coming up, so we'll be starting the friends thing here soon. But yeah, if she said it was over, I'd say it and I know I would then be as pissed as maybe some people think I should be now.

Cat1864 · Sep 24, 2009, 09:44 AM

All we can do is give you our thoughts and opinions and get you to think about questoins that you might not have asked yourself. It is up to you to make the final decision.

I personally think you need to look at your earlier break-ups and make sure that those issues aren't a part of her wanting to "explore".

I am wondering if this is her way of distancing herself from the relationship.

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 09:48 AM

That's the thing, the one breakup we had was for similar reasons, but then lots of things went wrong with her life- mom tumor, parents started to get a divorce, so she never really got what she was wanting then. So I'm making sure this time around she does, and if not, I'm not saying OK, lets get back together because I won't go through this all again. She has the guts to just tell me we're breaking up and she isn't like a lot of girls who either say a break as a way to just leave, or don't have the guts to dump you. She's sometimes brutally honest and since we broke up a year ago, I know she'll tell me and has no problem. And I told her yesterday that if that was why she was doing it, she needed to tell me. So I don't think that is what it is.

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 10:33 AM

If dealing with pressures in her life leads to a break up, that's something you must consider. Not saying she won't come back, and I myself have seen couples reunited, and be very happy, when the resolve their issues, and define the boundaries of good behavior together, and that includes good old fashion communications.

You don't, as yet, have that mutual commitment that defines long term couples, your still, both of you, growing, and learning, about yourselves right now. That's obvious, as you are not willing to make the adjustment necessary, for long term commitments (you may be ready, but she is NOT).

I just think your better served getting your own feelings in order, so when the time comes, you can make a decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

Its not that it can't work out, just be healthy, when the opportunity arises to give it a chance.

In life anything can happen, how you handle it, good, or bad, is what will count the most.

Decisions, decisions, that's what life is all about.

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 10:42 AM

Good advice. I just feel like we're really close to that point from how this year has been and hoping this is the last hurdle. That's my hope. Of course, all of this advice helps and has brought up a few things, but I know what I want, I know this is the last time I'll go through somethjing like this with her, so she has to have it figured out this time or it's done. I don't want to sound like I think I'm better or something, but I feel like I've matured a bit faster than some of my friends, some people my age. My career I have, a lot of the life experiences I've gone through, and some of my values are different. I've learned a ton about myself, I know what I want in life, and I feel like I sped up the process for myself a bit. My one big outlying question is do I tell her come December when we officially reassess things and talk about our relationship, that I need to know then or soon after what she wants? As said before, I don't want to pressure her, because I'm willing to sacrifice some things to make this work, but I can't sacrifice all my feelings and emotions, so it's got to stop at some point. I guess I feel like after three months and going through a quarter of your junior year at a university, you should be able to figure out what you want currently. Figure out what it's like to be single and casually date possibly, like she wanted. Experience college life, going out with friends, etc, like she wanted. And living independently and being able to show herself she can run her life without having to have someone. And doing all this to get her heart to either tell her that she's ready and mature enough to make that commitment to taking things to the next step with us, or isn't mature enough and just wants to have college for two years and then make adjustments.

unaffected · Sep 24, 2009, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by xstraightedgex

My one big outlying question is do I tell her come December when we officially reassess things and talk about our relationship, that I need to know then or soon after what she wants?

I think that in December, the agreed-upon reassessment time you both chose, you definitely have the right to know what she wants. There is a chance that she may not know, though, and then what will you do?

And on another note, you seem like a wise young man, and I think you will know when and if the waiting gets to be excessive.

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 10:55 AM

Seems to me that your job is to give her time, and space, to make a decision.

Fact-She is dating, and having a great time.

So should you.

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by unaffected

I think that in December, the agreed-upon reassessment time you both chose, you definitely have the right to know what she wants. There is a chance that she may not know, though, and then what will you do?

And on another note, you seem like a wise young man, and I think you will know when and if the waiting gets to be excessive.

That's the thing. She may not know, and I feel like giving her until January at the latest, as we would be on winter break for a while would be ample time and even more ample time to think about it when we're back down here in town and not up there at school. I guess it's just something I need to play by ear. When we talk in December, I'll see how the conversation goes and if I see fit, I suppose bring up that knowing by Jan is my cutoff. If I feel it's really close, but I shouldn't pressure, I won't. But giving her much longer after January, I think is the point where I decide I've made enough sacrifice and she doesn't know by then, she isn't going to anytime soon.

xstraightedgex · Sep 24, 2009, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Seems to me that your job is to give her time, and space, to make a decision.

Fact-She is dating, and having a great time.

So should you.

It is. We're hanging out this weekend because we're doing a biking thing next weekend that we're training for, but other than that, I most likely won't be calling her, but wait for her to contact me to hang out or something. Having fun is just hard for me so far up there. Just moved up there, I live 10 miles out of the city, my housemates aren't around too much, and stuff I like to do, I like to do it with friends and not so much a solo thing- like biking, hiking,etc. Just keeping myself occupied with friends, work I guess is the thing I can do.

Cat1864 · Sep 24, 2009, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by xstraightedgex

My one big outlying question is do I tell her come December when we officially reassess things and talk about our relationship, that I need to know then or soon after what she wants? As said before, I don't want to pressure her, because I'm willing to sacrifice some things to make this work, but I can't sacrifice all my feelings and emotions, so it's gotta stop at some point.

What is the ultimate decision you want decided?

That she only wants to be in a relationship with you for the time being and see where 'dating' leads or that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you and marriage is the goal?

I will add that I don't think the end of a grading period is a good time to add distractions like what am going to tell my "boyfriend" to the stresses of finals.

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 11:18 AM

We're hanging out this weekend because we're doing a biking thing next weekend that we're training for, but other than that, I most likely won't be calling her, but wait for her to contact me to hang out or something.

No way, does this hanging out on her terms, help YOU one bit. It explains your position better, and her influence on it. Just me mind you, but not a good idea. For one, it keeps you hoping, and for another it keeps you close, so you can't do other things or explore your own options and opportunities for fun and a great time.

As she must make any decisions without your influence, so must you see things without her influence.

If your going to see her this way, then see others as well.