[victoriapa]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years ended things with me about three weeks ago. I'm having a hard time excepting things and understanding why this happened. If anyone has adivce on how to move past this, thoughts on why things played out the way they did or has gone through a similar experience I would appreciate it!

Here's the story... We had a great relationship and even talked seriously about marriage. Really the "best-friends" type of love. I never doubted his feelings for me and we honestly got along really well, supported each other and laughed often. The sex was great for both of us for the vast majority.

About three months ago we had our first "serious" argument. No names were called or anything hurtful said, but it was about our sex-life and I initiated it. The problem was I wanted more tenderness and romance (something he did not express sexually very often) and he wanted to full-fill his fantasy of seeing me with another man. (I did not want to do this and was upset that he would, thinking it meant he did not care about me).

We made up that day and though our intemacy became akward directly after that, everything else in the relationship was great. About two weeks later he went to Jamaica for a work trip for 5 days. When he returned things seemed to go back to normal and he seemed happy. Within the next three weeks we began arguing again about sexual things. He wanted more "passion" from me and I agreed we had gotten into a rut.

After that time, everything improved a great deal. We began talking about marriage again and moving in together. And we both agreed we had re-kindled our sexual spark.

Then three weeks ago he got laid off from work. He was upset and went to visit his parents. While he was away he did not contact me and would not return my calls/ or texts. Then I received an email saying he thought we should be friends because he was not stable due to his job sitchuation and he was considering leaving town for better job opportunities. He closed the email saying this was just a thought and wanted to talk to me face-to-face and was unsure if he would be able to be separated from me because he still loved me very much.

When he returned we spoke face-to-face. He said he had doubts about our relationship because of our recent arguments he felt like we would continue to fight in the future (even though we had "made up") We were both upset (he even cried too, saying he hoped he wasn't making a mistake) and he still said he loved me very much.

About a week after our break up I found that he had a secret MySpace account with a bunch of pictures of him and another girl kissing. He had a blog saying he met her while on his work trip in Jamaica (three months ago while were had been dating!) and she was now moving in with him!

I confronted him about it and he confirmed it was true. He said he just had doubts about our relationship. He said when they met they just fell for each other and at the same time he was falling out of love with me. She does not live in our area, but he said she had traveled to be with him once and he had visited her at the time he said he was at his parents'.

In the past three weeks he has contacted me saying that he misses spending time with me and he feels terrible for cheating and that he still really cares for me. He has even cried when he talks about ending things with me and still says he hopes he didn't make a mistake. He said he wants to make things work with this new girl though and hopes we can be friends.

I just feel so confused as to why he would choose to end our relationship over what I can conclude only as a sexual rut, and why he continues to contact me and second guess his choice to break up. I'm also hurt at how fast he has been able to move on and wonder if he is really happy with this new girl since he still continues to contact me. A part of wishes he would try to make things work with me, I feel like that is not truly his intention but I'm having a hard time moving on.

[victoriapa]

I forgot to add that my ex is 31 ( I am 24) and this new girl just turned 21. She also moved from two states away leaving her friends and fam to be with him. And he told me she says she is in love with him, he says he cares about her a lot and wants to make things work with her but is not in love yet. I am just being bitter or does it seem like things will not work out for them?

[TrueFaith]

Just sounds like a dirty old man to me.

Wants you to go with another guy while he is with you? You are better off without him sweet heart.

That is not love. That's something else

He is looking for young girls to do what he wants. Simple as that.

Be thankful that you are away from him.

Tips to feeling better :)

Well your 24 and you have a long long way ahead of you to date many people.

I know you can't see yourself with other people right now but you will in time.

As for now take up a hobby and try and do stuff that takes your mind off him
I know this will be hard but I can be done.

Do something you have always wanted to do but never had the time to do it.
Buy yourself that gift you wanted :)

And don't worrie about what they do and if it will work out for them
Because it is not your problem anymore!


All the best

[talaniman]

I don't understand how you can talk of a future when all these unresolved issues hanging over this relationship.

Regardless he dealt with things by cheating, and building a nest with someone else, and I think your lucky to find out about his secrets now, before you committed to marriage.

That's a good thing, and you should really be celebrating your freedom from this freaky deaky, cheater, and never talk to him again. Good riddance I say.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some great insights as to how to get through the healing process, and rebuild a life that you enjoy, and be happy with yourself.

For now, this is still fresh in your heart, and you should give yourself some time to let the emotional dust settle.

I would say sorry for your loss, but really think you have dodged a bullet, by finding out about this deceiver, liar, and cheater.

Now it can only get better with him completely out of your life.

Sorry for your HURT!

[kctiger]

Sorry for you pain, I know it hurts. You aren't alone in any of this, and we are all here for you! You should consider yourself lucky you aren't with a cheater anymore... I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will find someone who deserves you, and he will get what is coming to him. Karma is a BIYATCH!!

[dazzling]

A girl moves in with him after 3months of knowing him!! (and he was still with u)

Come on that relationship is going no where. If he chooses to loose a solid person like u, for someone shallow, that's tough for him.

I am proud of you that, you are able to speak out for your sexuality and always do so. In the end your happiness it up to u.

Dump the idiot and move on with your life.
I know it is hard to do with your emotions and all.

Here are few tips:
Step A:
Take all pictures, memorabalia, teddy bear, movie tickets, letters all remanant of your life with him and have huge bon fire.

Step B:
Get a facial and a message if you can afford it.

Step C:
Get a makeover, like change your hair color or get new set of clothes.

Step D.
Take a trip somewhere if you can... Maybe Jamaica (where stella got her groove back)

Step E:
Begin a massive dating campaign.
Tell everyone you are single and ask them to set you up, join a dating service, internet, club anything.

U may not meet anybody decent right away (becasue your heart needs to heal) but hey what a great way to show off your new clothes and that Jamaican Tan!

Good luck girl!

[bambibambi]

Can I recommend an excellent book ITS CALLED A BREAKUP BECAUSE ITS BROKEN by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola Behrendt.

Im going through a severely painful breakup at the minute (I have a thread called Boyfriend said he doesnt love me anymore? ) and although the facts of our stories are different, the feelings will be similar.

Getting out of this broken relationship is the best thing possible, and its quite clear that the guy doesn't want to try and fix it!
You and he no longer share the opinion that your relationship has a future!

Good luck! You can do it!

[victoriapa]

Thank you everyone for your support! I am actually feeling much more optimistic that this break up was for the best after reading this! (although there is still some saddness) And I really appreciate everyone's kind words!

The whole sex issue had been a problem for quite some time for me, I guess it was just hard to remember the things that I did not like about him / the relationship.

The last time we saw each other he was actually very apologetic and seemed to seriously want to establish a friendship.

I don't think it is possible for us to be friends. But I did say some hurtful things to him. Do you think it is worth it to contact him to say sorry for being mean? He never said anything mean back to me, but I figured his actions were hurtful enough.

[victoriapa]

Bambi - thank you for the book recommendation!

[friend4u178]

Victoria
You have no reason to apologise , and like the others have said you were lucky to find out about this cheater when you did.

Sometimes we put people up on a pedestal when we lose them and don't see all the bad things until the emotional dust has settled.

And don't get stuck in the friendzone with him , he just wants that so he has you as a backup if this doesn't work with the new girl.

[Starbucks21]

I had a boyfriend for 3 years you left me out of the blue

Here's how I got over it.

PART 1 GETTING OVER HIM IN 7 STEPS

Step 1 Do not contact

You are either emotional in some way (being angry he cheated on you or other things that do not need to be said).

• Don't call him
• Don't go to the gym or coffee shop he goes to
• Delete his number from your phone
• Delete his email address
• delete anything that give you the urge to talk to him in any way shape or form

It didn't work. It won't work. No matter what you say he'll be a jerk. And you deserve better

Step 2 REMOVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HIS MEMORY

Remove every item that has some memory of him... Pictures, Gift, Computer Wallpaper (such as your vacation in cancun with him)...

Anything that brings up the memory will just add salt in the wound right now and yea you will have to face it but let's give it maybe a month or 2

Step 3 Don't be friends

Just don't talk at all. You don't really want to see it right now I promise. In 2-3 months, maybe then you can be friends but it's too soon right now and you need some space.

Step 4 Don't drink

Drinking just delays you getting over it. I don't mean a glass or 2 with friends. I mean the drowning your tears in alcohol kind. It doesn't work it's still there.

Step 5 Hang out with the girls

Your friends will always be there. You've been here before and so have they.

Step 6 Keep going

If you like to work out keep doing it. Don't mope around. Pity parties for one aren't fun. And life ain't as bad as it looks.

Step 7 Get back on the horse

I recommend casual flirting that goes no where at a bar (take some friends to be safe, buddy system keeps you guys from getting hurt or doing something you'll regret). If you feel ready and the thought of your ex doesn't make you cringe... then start looking around and play the field. Online, speed dating, casual meeting places or mutual friends with someone single are great ways to start.

*Also do not talk about your ex to the date unless they ask. They don't want to hear emotional baggage but if they ask tell them the truth. Part of dating is giving info in little steps so you don't overwhelm the person. And they may care about you and don't want to hear you in pain.


Now most breakups have this cycle (I've seen it a thousand times with some of my friends and gone through it myself)


PART 2 THE STAGES

Day 1 The day of tears

The day where most women if you ask a simple question will start balling and sobbing... for example "may you please pass the SUGAR?" She goes into sugar's what he used to call her. We all know it. I had a problem with the word honey.

Week 1-2 Talking time

The day you figure out everything and try fix your problem and find out why and what happened to the relationship.

Month 1 The blame game

You may start to blame yourself but hey. We're human. It takes two to tango and it's never all our faults if any at all. BS happens and yes it stinks.

Month 2-6 Acceptance

Depending on who you are, if you have good friends, and your confidence levels, the higher the better.You are now over it. You may seek a little closer. Don't say anything you'll regret. But hey, you don't need him. He's a low life jerk that cheated on you and everyone is better than that.

[friend4u178]

I have to say that was very well put!!

[victoriapa]

Thanks again everyone! I have done what most of your are saying cutting off contact deleting him from my cell and MySpace and took down all of my reminders of him.

Now today I received an email from him saying again how sorry he is for what he has done, that he wonders every day if has made a mistake by breaking up with me, that he misses me and thinks of me often and that he thinks he gave up on us too soon. He also said that he still cared about me very much and still thought I was a great person. No I love you or anything like that.

Then he said though that he wants to try to make things work with this new girl because "they care about each other very much" and he just hopes all will work out OK. And said that after everything that he has already done he just doesn't think things would be right with us.

I deleted the email and did not reply. But I just wonder why he would say those sort of things almost like he regrets us breaking up then say he wants to make things work with this girl. Am I reading into things too much?

Needless to say, reading his email just made me feel sad all over again.

[talaniman]

He is trying to apologize, and no reply is necessary.

You have done the right things for yourself, and when the sadness fades... your free to have a better life, and be happy by yourself.

Then you will have something good to share with a deserving person.

[kctiger]

Now today I received an email from him saying again how sorry he is for what he has done, that he wonders every day if has made a mistake by breaking up with me, that he misses me and thinks of me often and that he thinks he gave up on us too soon. He also said that he still cared about me very much and still thought I was a great person. No I love you or anything like that.

Then he said though that he wants to try to make things work with this new girl because "they care about each other very much" and he just hopes all will work out ok. And said that after everything that he has already done he just doesn't think things would be right with us.

Needless to say, reading his email just made me feel sad all over again.

This guy is a Class A a complete loser. There is absolutely no reason for him to email you this, especially the part about the "new girl." That is completely classless and gives good guys like me a bad name. He will get what is coming to him, and I promise you that a much better life is waiting for you. I am sorry that you were ever with such a heartless piece of trash, but I guess it teaches us all that not everything is as it seems. Good luck to you, and I know you are going to be all right. Don't reply to anything he EVER sends you, just keep doing what you are doing. He has made his own bed, and he will be laying in it for a long time to come. Carry on...

[High Max]

In my general experience, men in their 30's who are single are single for a reason. I'd date around your own age.

[victoriapa]

Thanks, KC! You know this whole time I've just been thinking my ex's actions are out of character and that he is still a good guy who made some mistakes. Today I'm finally facing reality that no, he is NOT a good person. If, I'm being honest, there were some times I didn't really think he was whole-heartedly in love with me. And I'm seeing now that I thought our relationship was so wonderful because that is simply how I wanted to see things.

This really is not someone who I want in my life in any capacity. But it is a hard transition to go from him being my number 1 to nothing at all.

There is still a big part of me that eally wishes things will end terribly between he and his new girlfriend... I guess that's just me being bitter though.

[submadreamgun]

Wow, I really feel for you deeply. The crazy thing is, your description of what happened is so very close to my own story. I was together with my girlfriend for three years, and as she was breaking up with me (and telling me it was only a "break" and saying even that we could get engaged if that would convince me she meant what she was saying.. and crying, and, like you, though the break up happened long distance then later she came back to visit me and explain things) I found out that she was, all the while, having another relationship with someone else. She had even been living with him whenever I was away for the past year. She had basically a whole secret life she kept from me. It was really messed up. I've had about a year now to try and deal with it, and most of the pain is gone... now it is just kind of a dull depression, so I can tell you it definitely gets better, and it's still getting better, I hope that helps. What helped me a bit to understand her actions was just to realize she probably has some serious problems (and maybe the same is true with your exboyfriend) about forming close relationships. And when I thought about it later, I remembered how she lied on a regular basis to everyone about small things, even her mother... her father didn't know she had tattoes even though she was 24 and should be able to say so, things like that... these things and the way I saw she was actually living her life made me realize she would probably be incapable of close intimacy with anyone--not just me. If he was cheating on you like that (having a whole relationship on the side) it really does mean he was cheating himself out of the chance to be close to either you or the other girl. He probably has some serious issues he may never deal with. He definitely won't find anything more than a temporary happiness if he continues to live his life this way--unless he makes some serious changes and has the courage to invest fully into another person. Whether you want to hold a place for him in your heart or to wait for him to change is up to you. Just remember that you're the one who has it together, and that somewhere out there is a guy who will greatly appreciate you wanting to work on your relationship together, and to improve things instead of just running.