I want my Lesbian ex girlfriend back, but first.
I want to make sure I am truly in love with her, and that I just don't want the challenge.
Hello. For the past two years, I had the most amazing girlfriend... lets call her X. She literally worshipped the ground I walked on... no, seriously. We went to Vegas one weekend, and I was extremely intoxicated, and I made her get on her knees and kiss my feet before we left the hotel room. It got to the point where I would just say: kiss my feet, and she would, no matter where, or whom was watching. As you can tell by that last statement, I was a total hole to her, and took advantage of the fact that she was madly in love with me, plus it kind of turned me on a little to degrade her, and she never really complained too much about it. She didn't make a lot of money, and the money that she did have, went to making me happy. I never appreciated her, instead I expected certain things from her. I constantly dated other girls while I was with her (but I never had sex with them), and during my birthday party last year, I rented out a local night club, invited the entire lesbian community, made out with another girl, while X held my purse. I took a ton of pictures of all the fun and excitement, posted them all over myspace page, and never even put one picture of her up, instead, she was outside crying, still holding my purse.
The strange thing is, we spent a lot of time together. I liked her, but she wasn't my ideal kind of girl that I saw myself being with. I was shallow, petty, and listened to my superficial friends. Even though X had a heart of gold, smart, a party girl, and LOYAL AS HELL... I wasn't completely attracted to her. When I would go out, people couldn't see what I saw in her. That is my own insecurities. About 9 months into us dating, I decided to give her a make over. Her dresses became shorter, her hair sexier, her high heels higher... she started to look like me! I found myself becoming more attracted to her, and not just liking her... but loving her for all the right and wrong reasons.
However, X slowly started to realize that she was looking HOT too, and she found a new sense of self confidence, which really did not bother me, because I STILL new how much she was in love with me, and didn't want anyone else. About 7 months ago, during New Year's Eve, I became SICK. I actually had a viral infection, that caused my face and eye to swell up and break out in blisters. I was confined to my apartment for 3 months; during that time X waited on me hand and foot. She took complete care of me, she was amazing. When I became better again, I was back to my old ways of not appreciating her, and partying more. By this time, my true friends were telling me what a great woman she is, and if I am not careful, I will loose her for good.
Back in March of 2008, she went on a family trip to Hawaii, before she left, I asked her if I could borrow her car, since it was just going to be sitting in her drive way. For the first time in her life, she told me NO. I was pissed! I wanted to borrow her car, because I had hit the side of my fence with my car! I was so inconsiderate, I broke up with her right then and there. She was so upset, she missed the flight to Hawaii with her family, so she could give me her car. I didn't want it, so she caught the later flight. While she was on vacation I was partying, and going out with other girls. She texted me every day to check in on me, and I never responded back. When she came back home from Hawaii, her friends took her out to cheer her up. She met another woman the same night, and they hit it off. It took me about a month to convince her to drop the girl, and we could work on us. It was the first time in our whole relationship, that I had to "win" her back, and I enjoyed the challenge, but it also showed me how much I do love her and what a terrible, selfish person I can be. It was at this time, 1 year and 4 months into our relationship, that I sat her down and said "X, I do love you, and I want to be good to you". She almost fell out of her seat and cried. HOWEVER! 2 months later I was back to my old ways, and she was growing incredibly tired of my bull, and my non committal ways. I started to become not just mentally abusive, but verbally abusive. Her love for me was slowly turning into PAIN, and I would see the hurt in her eyes all the time, but she still stood by me. 3 months ago in early June 2008, we decided to go to Orlando Pride together, and I flirted with another girl in front of her, when we got back to the car, she felt so disrespected... she hit me. Trust me, when I say there is no such thing as DRAMA, like LESBIAN DRAMA! I hit her back, and we fought. Now, whenever we would argue, we would get physical, I saw our relationship going downhill fast.
One of my casual friends.. lets call her Y noticed how much X loved me, but also noticed how much I have damaged and hurt X. Fast forward 2 months: Y and X are now together, and they both treat each other very well. Y now worships the ground X walks on, but considering that Y is my friend, and that they both met each other courtosy of ME, I also know a lot of dirt on Y. The main dirst being that only 5 months ago, she broke up with her 7 year relationship with her girlfriend. 7 YEARS!! The break up was bad, and Y already rebounded with one of my BEST friends back in MAY 2008, and now she is dating X for a little under 2 months. When I found out about this, of course, I was pissed, but all my friends told me to relax, because X will eventually come back to me. So far she has not. I like to consider myself a smart cookie, so the first thing I did, when I found out that X and Y hooked up andhad sex, was to ignore them both, and go on with my life. Within 2 weeks of no contact, X texted me, and I texted her back. We agreed to meet and have lunch. When X found out that I was also seeing someone casually, she got incredibly jealous, and I knew, right then and there, that I still had her. I told her that I love her, and we should use this time, to see other people. She agreed, but the moment we parted... I sat in my car and CRIED MY EYES OUT!! I was seeing a couple other girls, but I thought about X every single day. I wish I was strong enough to tell her, that I am in love with her, that I'm sorry, that I'm changing, and I do want her back in my life. But I was CRUSHED that she hooked up with Y, so INSTEAD! I went out to a club with a girl that I dated when me and X were together. I walked over to X (while holding the girls hand) and Y at the bar and started telling Y how back stabbing she was, and how X still loves me, and if I wanted her, I could have her, but I don't want X, she doesn't mean anything to me, and that I'm with the person I want to be with right now. I lost control, and X quickly stopped all communication with me. The tables were turned. X didn't return my texts, my calls. I went to her job (BIG MISTAKE, NEVER DO THAT) but when she was madly in love with me, I would always go to her job and just chill. Not this time, she threatened to have me ESCOURTED OUT!! I was in denial, and embarrassed... was this just more lesbian drama, or was X completely over me? Y even texted me that I better never go to her job again! I felt like I was losing the upper hand, and that bothered me the most. I let another 2 weeks go by, and I texted X that I LOVE HER, no response. I went to X's myspace page, and saw that her and Y were now leaving comments saying that they LOVE each other. I was confused... was X rebounding, or moving on? Finally I swallowed my pride, and wrote X a 3 page letter confessing my love to her, and recapping on the good times we shared together, and that we should remain in each others lives. She read the letter on August 20th, 2008, and never responded to it. Two days later, I boarded a flight to Vegas to spend time with a woman that I was dating while X was dating Y. Someway, somehow X found out about the flight... she sent me a nasty text message saying how can I write her that "bull letter", and fly out to Vegas with another woman. I responded by basically saying WHY DO YOU CARE, I love you, but you're not stopping your life for me, why should I for you? She never responded. I felt like I was losing my mind. However, a couple days into my trip to Vegas she sent me another text saying: "Hope you and your girlfriend are having fun". I was completely drunk by this time, and I sent her some ridiculous, half text saying how this girl at the club is trying to buy a drink with her poker chips, it made no sense, and the text showed X how completely out of control my life is without her, and I started to get depressed. My friends could not believe that I was in Vegas, crying again over X. It got to the point my friends were like, you know what, I honestly think X is over you, she has moved on, it's been 2 months... this is your karma. The moment I came back from Vegas August 26th 2008, I texted X and said: I dedicate some song to you, and I wrote her another letter explaining that I'm going to date other women, go to Vegas (we live in LA, so you know, Vegas is like 2 hours away), and basically do what she is doing with Y, and if she is not okay with that, please let me know, and I WILL CHANGE. No response.
Now, I feel like complete poo poo. I feel like I have no pride. I can only imagine if this is how she has felt for 2 years, it's only been 2 months, and I am emotionally drained. I want her back in my life, but I feel as if, I have tried to put myself out there, and she is taking revenge out on me, and that she is enjoying making me look stupid. However, I don't want to stop. My friends now think, that I am becoming obsessed with getting her back. I'm not use to rejection, but I think this is good for me. BUT! I also know X, and I know that I can get her back, but I think I am going about it all wrong... If she does not respond to my 2nd letter, I'm not going to contact her at all. My birthday is 20 days away. Last year, she took me to Atlantic City and bought me a laptop. Later I found out she opened up a line of credit to afford those things. I used to not care how she got me the things I wanted, now they make me CRY at how she would put me before herself. Yes, she was stupid for doing those things for me, but she was blinded by love, I'm starting to feel that now... and, I want her back, but first I have to get back into control. I am not in control now, and it shows. I'm doing things on impulse, I'm not thinking, and I am making HER my main priority, which I know is not healthy.
Thank you for reading this, any thoughts? I do not think 2 months is a long time... but I have to give this a timeline, or I will drive myself crazy (even more so)
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