[iloveicedtea]

Hello, I am a 25 year old guy. I have not been a relationship in over 7 years. One day, my good friend introduced me to a girl who lives on the opposite side of the world. I began talking to her for a few months now, checking out her fb and ended up caring a lot for her.

I don't think she feels the same for me as she takes a long time to reply to my messages sometime over a day. I was honest, I told her how I felt, and she says she needs time to think about it and she hasn't replied yet and its been over a day.

Over the past few days, I haven't been feeling good. I've been a little depressed, with elevated heart rate and can't sleep.

I know this isn't very healthy but I'm unsure of what to do now. Any advice would do.

[talaniman]

We humans can become attached, and attracted rather easily sometimes, even with those long distance, electronic contact only stuff. It's always best to have a good fun life where you are with family, friends, and activities you enjoy. This will increase your opportunities for romance and friendship if you are more out and about.

After 7 years though, you are probably game for anything I would imagine, no matter how hopeless. Be careful with that, as it's healthier to better explore reality, and experiment, than fall for self made fantasies that lead nowhere.

[joypulv]

This is going to sound really trite, but you CANNOT know how you feel about someone on a computer or phone. It's all unreal. And your expectations are much too high. She takes over a day sometimes to respond?? If you said that to me, I would run screaming to Antarctica to get away. You've never even met, and you want her to be waiting for your contact online so she can respond that day? You are much too needy and detached from real life to continue this non relationship.

Get out with groups of friends - in person. Be friendly with everyone, guys and girls, attached, unattached, attractive to you, or not.... they all know someone who knows someone.
At 25, it is unhealthy to be thinking you have something real with a girl half way around the world.

Yes, when you are down you have to force yourself to get out. That's why you go in groups. You don't have to be fun or talkative or funny. Just ask everyone to take you with them, depressed and all.

[ma0641]

OMG a whole day? Are you sure this Is a real person on the other side of the world?

[Alty]

Okay, I'm going to be a bit harsh.

If a girl loves you, and you tell her that you love her, she doesn't have to think about it. She'll be all over it, telling you how much she cares.

If she has to think about it, she's taking time to think about how to let you down without hurting you. And I'm one of those girls.

I have a really hard time telling someone "hey, I'm just not that into you". I'm married, and everyone I meet online, the first thing I mention is that I'm married. Doesn't matter, most of the guys I meet and befriend, don't care that I'm married. They message me wanting to talk about personal things I'm not comfortable talking about, but I don't have it in me to tell them off, so I ignore their messages, or when I reply I change the subject and hope they'll get the hint. They rarely ever get the hint, so I just ignore them, until they get insistent and then I once again message changing the subject, or posting about my husband, and my kids, and a great thing that happened that day, hoping that they'll realize, hey, she's happily married and she doesn't want to talk about my penis. Sadly, most men are stupid when it comes to crushes. That's my experience anyway. You guys just don't get the hints we give out.

Sounds a lot like what she's doing. She's hoping you'll get the hint, that she's not as into you as you are into her, and that you two can just be friends. Sadly, I don't think that's possible, not on your end anyway. So let her go. She doesn't have the heart to tell you off, she's hoping you'll figure it out and stop telling her how much you love her, which is impossible because you've never even met her!

Time to meet girls in the real world. Go out, meet people, stop relying on the internet to find love, because dude, it won't happen. It's so easy to pretend to be someone else online, and once you meet the person you think you love, you won't even recognize her. We're all different online, which is why online relationships never work. NEVER!

[Fr_Chuck]

First you don't tell a girl that you really don't know, and only chat to some, that you have some "love" that could scare her to death. You just get to know someone and chat and talk.

You can get lots of feelings and start to like someone, but real love does not happen on line.

[iloveicedtea]

Thank you for all the replies. I have an update.

So the girl replied to me saying that she really values me as a friend and don't want to lose me as a friend. She then goes on to say that she's not ready for a relationship or dating because she was very hurt from her previous relationship and she's scared of being hurt or hurting other people.

I am not sure how much of that is true but I'll take it as it is. I am trying my best to not to message her back or check her Facebook but it does appear that there are other guys in her life and I cant help it.

I am not sure what to do now. Should I continue being friends with her?

[Alty]

Just because you have romantic feelings for her, doesn't mean she has to return those feelings. It doesn't matter if what she said is true or not, she's telling you she just wants to be friends, and that's that.

If you can handle just being her friend, then of course you should, but I'm not sure if you can handle that. It seems like you think that if she's available, she should return your love, and that's just not how it works.

[joypulv]

There's no 'should' if no one is being hurt.

Do what feels right to you, and what you feel you can handle. She made herself clear. You did a healthy thing when you said you are 'not sure how much of that is true but I'll take it as it is.' It also sounds good to pull back a bit and think. Can you handle other guys in her life? I'm guessing not...

Get out and about in real life, with people around you. How many internet romances end up with actual connection? In all my years, I don't know of a single one.

If you are on Facebook, surely you have friends who live near you? They lead to friends, and they lead to more friends, and eventually.....

[talaniman]

The good news is she was honest, and didn't lead you on, and to be fair, there were signs she wasn't going to return your feelings. You tried it didn't work, oh well! Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle, and realize this long distant romance was a long shot to begin with. Leave her alone! Get busy building your own life that you can enjoy and be happy, and explore real opportunities for romance.

Never know what the next day will bring. So handle this rejection with a shrug, and get back to enjoying your youth while you have it!

[Homegirl 50]

Leave her alone. Se has told you she does not want a relationship. Believe her. Meet someone in real time and place.

[J_9]

Dude, you've been "friend zoned." Yeah, it sucks.

[iloveicedtea]

Thank you for all your responses. My friends all agree its time for me to move on, I suppose so do I.

I'm not sure if this is all related to the situation but for the past few days I felt as if I'm lost, not sure what to do with my life anymore, lost all my passions and I sleep more than usual.

It's also kind of awkward because I see her online on Facebook and she sees me online but no one is talking to each other since that day. Occasionally, I visit her page to see what she is up to but I know that will only make healing slower. I know she says she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I'm not sure if she's just saying that to soften the entire situation

Not sure where to go from here...

[joypulv]

You have joined the ranks of millions. It has happened to ALL of us. It's a let down. It's depressing. You are depressed, and as you say, lost. Sleeping more is a lot better than what I used to do, which was not sleep much at all. If you had spent more time with friends, you would know how common this is. Yes, I'm sure it feels like this will never end, that you are doomed for life. NOPE! In fact, it could happen again. And again! You could be like me, dumped instantly after 13 years. You could be worse, dumped after 30 years and 3 children. You have to have a LIFE of your OWN aside from romance. I know that's easy for me to say, because I had to learn it too. Most of us do. The people who have some kind of career or hobby passion are better able to get past the ravages of love.

She IS being nice. She IS trying to soften the situation. We all know this because we all have done it, and all have had it done to us. You are RIGHT that visiting her page isn't helping. Make a note to visit it a whole year from today, and I guarantee, it will be just plain fun and interesting.

I happen to think that you are extra naive about all this for someone who is 25. That suggests to me that you spent too much time on your computer for the last 7 years...

We have all told you to get out with groups of friends (even if all guys, don't worry about that, friends lead to more contacts), yet you don't hear us. THAT is 'where you go from here.' OK?????? OK??????? Please do something, anything, today, and report back what it was.

[talaniman]

Thank you for all your responses. My friends all agree its time for me to move on, I suppose so do I.

I'm not sure if this is all related to the situation but for the past few days I felt as if I'm lost, not sure what to do with my llife anymore, lost all my passions and I sleep more than usual.

It's also kind of awkward because I see her online on Facebook and she sees me online but no one is talking to each other since that day. Occasionally, I visit her page to see what she is up to but I know that will only make healing slower. I know she says she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I'm not sure if she's just saying that to soften the entire situation

Not sure where to go from here...

You mourn your loss, grieve in your own way, in your own time, and as you accept what has happened, you will continue the healing process. As was said, everyone goes through this heartbreak, some many times, to emerge better, and wiser for it.

Sucks while you are going through it though, but does get better over time... with some work on your part.

[Alty]

You need to go to no contact. That means unfriending her on Facebook, and deleting her from your life. Right now you're depressed, and looking at her Facebook page, and then obsessing about why she's not messaging you even though she's online, is not going to help you move on.

You really really really need to get out with real people, experience real things, get off the computer and go see what real life has to offer.

[Oliver2011]

"Not sure where to go from here..."

The sky is the limit. Go where life takes you. Every day is a new day and we never know from day to day what new person is going to come into our lives. Make every day what you want it to be. So the door on this one closed. I believe when I door closes on you it is up to you to kick a new door open. Just let it happen.

[iloveicedtea]

Thanks for all the responses, its very helful in keeping me strong as I read them often.

Here is an update, so its been over a week since I've made contact with her. Ive been feeling a little bit better especially after having to spend time with my friends but I keep getting confused as to whether I should message her or not.

To be honest, I'm not sure whether I am ready to give up and move on or wait for her or continue to be her friend and maybe one day she ll have some feelings for me. What would you recommend? If I give up now, I might regret it in the future.

[talaniman]

Dude, many of us are that hardcore to our feelings of disappointments, and regrets. If you think that being her friend in hopes she changes her mind and feelings for you then you can never be a real friend to her. You are in denial for sure, and full of false hope and that's natural when you have been friend zoned. I think you should at least keep with No Contact until you can get your head out of your heart and ACCEPT she doesn't have the same romantic notions for you as you do for her.

You would be a lousy friend unless you do, and that would be pathetic, wouldn't it and that hurt disappointed heart of yours will be worse because you haven't taken the proper time for a proper healing. That's the priority here, HEALING! Now you can try it your way, but you better to be ready to own the misery that your actions may bring. Yeah a lot of people do go that route, and only wound themselves far more than the original rejection, but that's their choice.

Now it's your choice, so give it thought. Are you ready for a second rejection? Even beyond that consider she may need to heal herself from her own heart trauma. I know, you figure to help with that and reap the benefits huh? The flaw in that plan is when she does heal, she will surely build a life that she enjoys with friends and family and start exploring her options and opportunities for happiness without you. Sure she will still want your long distance friendship and will hate to have to reject your love yet again!

Stay with NC. Tell your bruised heart and those feeling of regrets at losing this love to shut up so you can think, instead of just FEEL.

[Oliver2011]

Agreed. And who says you have to "wait" for the next one. Make it happen. Go to places and activities where there are people around your age and have similar interests. You never know what awesome stuff may happen tomorrow. Wouldn't it be better to have a partner that you can see in person anyway?