[kctiger]

Life moves on, goes on, whatever... it is what it is... at any rate, I have a feeling once you are fully over this you will have zero desire to date her again. Just a hunch.

Have fun catching up with your family and friends and I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.

[zeeniee]

Hey Empty Cans,

Well you can look at this in a positive way in that she told you before you came over and so this way you can give yourself some time to digest things and be good with you. At least now you know it is over in the sense she is moving on, and I am sure will you in your own good space and time- no point rushing on this- just keep doing all the stuff you have been doing since you parted with her and I am sure you will be in a much better place.
Take it easy
Zeeniee

[Empty Cans]

I've slumped back into a bit of a rut again...

This whole her seeing another guy thing has really hit me a lot harder than I thought. I thought Iwas doing much better than this and would be able to deal with it, but its making me feel like I did 6 or so months ago. Especially difficult as they are now a proper item, rather than someone she is just seeing.

Makes me feel even worse that this is all happening around my group of friends, I feel like she has just taken over my group of friends and I have been left out in the lonely cold.

I'm doing my best to just try and let go... but it's a lot harder than I had ever imagined. I just get all these pictures in my head of us, of all these plans we had made, of how cool it was that she slotted into my group of friends so well... but now she's slotting into my group of friends with another guy.

Its probably normal for me to feel like this... it was always going to be a bit of a shock when she had an actual new boyfriend... I guess I just hate how it all seems to have just fallen into her lap... and I'm still so devastated by it all.

I'm trying to use this to give me some closure, accept that she has moved on and that I need to as well... I just really don't feel it happening right now though.

[jmw0713]

I know how you feel! The thoughts of my ex with another guy are a biatch! I deal with them almost everyday at some point. I start asking myself "where did I go wrong?" "Was it all my fault?"

I am just realizing that no matter what the answers are, it will not change anything. The only way the situation will change, is if I change it myself.

To get all of the frustration out and to elevate my mood, I hit the gym... hard. I've been doing this for the last 9 months, and I will tell you... I feel like a million bucks when I'm done. It makes all of those thoughts not matter as much, for a time. It is a natural drug, so to speak.

Try that for a little while. I will guarantee you will feel better. It is best to go multiple times a week. It will build your confidence, make you look good, and help your mood.

Take sometime away from your friends, for now. Settle down and get some things done. It sucks that she is so entrenched in your group of friends. You will need to plan your outings with them very carefully, to avoid any contact with her. Also make it a point to tell them, that you do not want to hear anything about your ex... PERIOD. That should help.

Are there any other people you can hang with that she doesn't?

Did I mention going to the gym?

[57373]

This thread makes me very,very,angry.

I have just read the entire thing.

And first of all I want to say I can relate about 90%

My ex is the same,manipulative,cold hearted,and a cheater,who left me for someone else (the same as your case... twice)

And this went on for a very very long time... this back and forthness

Until I decided on no contact,and It wasn't because I was strong or anything,it was because out of no where I pulled out self respect

Because this time I wasn't just 'left for someone' but they didn't 'really date them'

No this time... two DAYS after seeing me and sleeping together it was

Me finding out my ex was seeing someone... how?

Myspace...

So they had cheated on that person and me at the same time

While confronted with this (you bet I did) my ex told me that I meant nothing

Compared to my exs new two week relationship...

Great..


All right OK... to be honest even that didn't get me over my ex... I still tried to be friends.

And be civil.

However...

The last straw was when I found out two weeks after seeing me and saying the above etc etc

My ex had slept with this new person

TWO WEEKS

So I was immensively disgusted

I immediantly got on the phone and told my ex there was no way they could have loved me in the past and gotten over me in two weeks (completely)

And the response I got?

"I never stopped loving you,you pushed me away by freaking out"

Again it just fueled my anger

I am not one of those people like yourself who would see my ex after that or even consider giving her a second chance

She's dirty,tainted,filth

How can you even think of her the same?

By leaving you for that guy,she is saying indirectly she never loved you

Because obviously you couldn't just get over her in a day or whatever

And look how both times she keep you as backup until she found someone else,sweet huh?

So save your efforts for someone who cares and will treat you the way you deserve

And the next time she calls

Don't even answer

When my ex used to call me saying 'sorry for everything'

Or things like that or even worse 'whats up'

I used to get so angry,and start asking why why why why

Now I realize my ex doesn't even deserve that

Silence hurts them more as you can see

Keep it

If she calls you.. let it go to message machine..

If she emails you... open it but don't respond

Let her suffer like you did

No empathy for the heartless

Trust me I have been through hell

[57373]

Another thing you might want to remember.
To the ex this is how no contact is interpreted.

You having no contact= "i'm not okay with how you treated me,I still expect an apology,and until you mean it,you don't deserve my time"

Having contact= "I'm over it,it no longer bothers me,what you did wasn't so bad"

Again... can you forgive someone truly,who can't and won't change?

That's your personal choice.

[Empty Cans]

You raise some good points 57373 and I can appreciate where you are coming from. She didn't "cheat" on me as such... it all happened after we broke up, doesn't really matter though, she hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt. And in truth, I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive her for the way it all went down. Even now when I think about my last trip back home and her rubbing this new guy in my face pretty much... in front of me, with my friends...

The recklessness with which she treated my heart... its something that has definitely scarred me.

She's a great girl, and we had a blast, but its over now and I just have to pick myself up and carry on.

I've actually been doing a lot better the last couple of days. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, and its still often the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I put my head down to rest...

I suppose I am just accepting the situation more and more every day... I am starting to make plans which will put her well out of the equation. I had thought of moving to Australia next year... and she had been thinking the same, but to different cities. Although this is something I want to do as well, I know that deep down I just wanted to put myself closer to her so that things might work themselves out, I don't know. But now my plan is move to London... I have a UK passport (but I'm from New Zealand) so its no issue and my parents will be living there next year as my father is starting a job there.

I feel like I'm running away from my problems a bit, but there are too many memories here, and I just need to get away...

We hadn't been in touch for a week or so but she sent me an email today saying she had paid back some of the money she owes me. We exchanged a couple of meaningless emails... and then I got on with my work.

And I went to the gym tonight and that made me feel better... everything just seemed a little brighter today. Maybe I'm turning a corner, but I know there are a lot more to corners to come on this journey.

I just figured that I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to look forward to. I'm young, have great friends, I'm healthy, I'm adventurous, I have seen more of the world than most people already and I'm only 24, I'm handsome, I have the ability to attract a great girl and to love and be loved. If this really is the biggest obstacle that I am to face in my life then I will have had it pretty sweet. There's a girl out there who actually deserves me... my ex clearly didn't. And one day I know she will realise that she missed out...

Something that Talaniman said on another thread really struck me:

"You just can't accept her feelings have changed. One day you will, because you will be in that position where your feelings change too."

I think I hadn't been able to accept that her feeling had changed... but now I am beginning to, and I look forward to the day that mine will change too and I can look back on all of this.

[57373]

Wanting to get away? Move?

I felt exactly the same when I broke up with my ex (finally for the last time)

But guess what after 2 months of NC,I don't mind where I am, a vacation would be nice sure (I am planning some) but really the best way to get over an ex is act as if they died.
Morn the loss,and never look back.

I don't know why you are still talking to her?

Everyday you will be reminded,and based on her behavior,once you DO find someone,I can guarantee she will try to 'win you over',this girl seems to like control.And you might say 'but our conversations are purely platonic'
Yeah but you know as well as I do,those are the worst kind.Small talk with someone who screwed you over (at least in my case) is like working overtime with no lunch break.

And you might say,you're starting to lose interest... well just like you quoted... its a scale.. the second you honestly lose interest she will gain it.. like when you ignored her for two months.

It goes in circles over and over until you cut them out... trust me I've dealt with this for a year and a half but thankfully no more.

You do way too much for this girl who has done nothing for you,talking to her on the phone is horrible enough,but you actually meet her and see her too?

At that rate you will never truly move on.

[Empty Cans]

Its been a couple of months since I last posted so thought I would give a bit of an update in case anyone is still interested... would be nice to hear a few of your thoughts.

So I'm actually doing really well at the moment... after this whole thing went down with my ex seeing someone else, I basically decided to just drop it all and get on with things.

For a while I thought I was suffering full blown depression and had even thought about seeing a professional. But as quickly as I thought that I managed to drag myself up again... I started going to the gym, having been going snowboarding lots, making plans for the future. And I forced myself to stop thinking about my ex...

I just cut her out of my life... no Facebook chatting, no texts, no emails... I just decided to focus on myself.

I'm in the best shape I have been in and actually have people commenting on how I have bulked up with some muscles, it feels good.

I even got laid for the first time since the break up... it made me think of that "What to expect when you break up" post by Friend4u... it wasn't that great, but at least I did it haha.

I have made plans for next year... bought myself a one way ticket to London so going to have a go at living there next year. Once I had booked that I felt so much better... I had a plan, something to work towards... something that I knew would not involve her and would help me take my mind off her. No more thinking about the possibility of us living in the same place next year... things have been going really well.

I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't look at her Facebook profile for the whole of August... and so far so good. We are still FB "friends" but I have made it so that her updates don't show on my homepage... so this way I don't have to know what she's up to, but don't have to remove her completely. Might sound a bit silly but it works for me.

She has popped up in my life now and again... she told me she got the feeling I didn't want to talk to her much anymore... and I just told her that yeah, its just easier not to right now.

She followed that up with an email about a week later apologising for "hitting me up" about it... we exchanged a few emails and I just again said yeah, its easier this way... its not that I hate her or don't care, its just simply that its easier for me.

Anyway this weekend she told me that this guy she has been seeing was in my town and that he might send me a text so we could go for a beer or something... hahaha, yeah right. I have nothing against the guy but I don't exactly want to go and hang out with him either. Luckily he also realised it would be a stupid idea and didn't bother sending me a message.

I don't know why I asked, but I guess curiosity got the better of me... but I asked her if they were still together, And she said no... but she was glad I asked because she had been wanting to tell me.

So now that she's not with anyone any more it just seems that she's trying to once again keep me at arms reach. Its like chicks have a sixth sense about these things... they can sense you are moving along with things so they pop back up into your life again to try and keep you in line.

But anyway, I'm not falling for it this time and I'm just going to keep on doing what I have been doing...

But overall things are really good... I have even manage to catch myself going hours on end without thinking about her... one time I was actually like "wow....you just went all night without thinking about it". Its funny... but I really can feel myself getting better.

[kctiger]

Well done. Sounds like you are doing very well EC. I am glad to hear that.

I must have a very strange ex, as she never tries to contact me (believe me I am the same way). I just find it weird that so many people's exs try and keep in touch with them... my ex and I haven't talked to each other in at least four months and I would bet the house it will stay like that.

At any rate, I am proud of you. Keep up the good work and thanks for the update. Does good to see people actually progressing.

[jmw0713]

My ex doesn't contact me either. Oh well...

Good job EC. I'm glad you look to be finally getting over all of this. Hopefully you come back and update this thread periodically. It's good to get these success stories. It helps break-up all of the heartbreak stories and shows others that there is light at the end, you just have to be determined enough to get there.

[ImTotallyLost]

I haven't been coming to AMHD often so I only read this update now... This thing about exes (that is also true with other women I've been with, maybe it's something of the human nature) is that when you want it, they reject you, but when you don't want it, the harder you kick (nicely and gently, please) the stronger they hold on to your foot.

Seems you're doing fine. I feel the point is when you plan your life around yourself and not around others... That's when you're doing well.

[Empty Cans]

Well I thought it was about time for another update.

I'm still doing really well and happy with where things are at. In two months time I'm off travelling to South America for about 3 months so really looking forward about that.

Anyway, ex decided to pop back into my life again and we spoke on the phone for the first time in ages about a month ago. She called to tell me that she had been in a car accident, thankfully she wasn't hurt, but she wrote off her mum's car and got charged for drunk driving. Stupid girl. Anyway, so its cost her a fair bit of money and she's not coming to South America anymore. Not a big deal for me either way as I was only going to see her for a couple of days over there anyway... but yeah, sucks for her obviously as she had planned this with two of her best friends for months.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later she sends me an email at work basically crying out for help. She said she hasn't been sleeping properly for months, her drinking is getting the better of her, she doesn't like who she is and where her life is going and she thinks she needs professional help but she wants my input as I 'know her better than anyone else'. Of course I am naturally concerned by this and write back to her giving some advice, saying she should see a counsellor and that she is a good person but just needs to take control of her life.

Anyway, she said she burst into tears when she read my email blah blah blah. I was just glad I could help; she does mean a lot to me and I do obviously still care about her.

So we have been getting on OK the last few weeks, sending the odd email, no big deal, just checking in to see that she's OK. She still sounds like she is in a really bad way, but at least is taking steps to get her life in order. She tells me that I am "the nicest guy ever. Most guys are s, but you definitely aren't".

I guess all this just made me realise that I do have my life in order; I'm overall pretty happy with things, and while still a bit upset about some things, I'm a million times better than I have been.

So things take a bit of a twist, I have just been to Australia for a holiday with some friends and I got back and she wanted to hear about it so I gave her a call. Sounded like she was doing a little better and stuff... but then she decides to blurt out her favourite line. "I need to tell you something....I'm seeing someone". To be honest I'm a bit surprised by this and naturally it still hurts... its not something that I wanted to or really needed to hear. Anyway, we talk about it for a while, I can't really remember what was said, but I was just surprised by who she was going out with, especially given what she has just told me about her mental state. The guy is a total arrogant prick as well and I really thought she had better taste.

Naturally I'm a bit upset by this but its nothing I can't handle, to be honest I am actually used to it by now. She hits me up on chat a bit later and apologises for telling me etc etc and says "feel free to call/text me if u want, even if to just yell at me or if u want to be angry or get something off ur chest". I decline her offer, but then wake up in the middle of the night and think f*** it, I am going to get a few things off my chest.

So the next day I send her the following email:

You asked me yesterday if there was anything I wanted to 'yell at you' or 'get off my chest'…well I guess there are a few things I thought of. I have always been better at writing down what I feel.

First of all I really am fine with everything right now and I am not
the wreck that I was 9 or 10 months ago. I have my life in order, I'm happy and have made some exciting plans for the future.

I suppose what I want to get off my chest is how I feel things have gone down since we broke up.

I have been really hurt by what has happened…part of that has been my fault because I didn't know how to deal with things and I handled it all pretty badly. There are a lot of things I wish that I did and didn't do.

Since we broke up you have had a number of things/flings with
guys….Tom, Simon, Ben, Dave and Neil and there's probably more I don't (and don't want to) know about. I guess hearing that you were with someone else really hurt, but even more so I just felt that it cheapened and was disrespectful to what was a serious relationship between us. That fact alone probably hurt most of all.

I suppose it all reminds me of the saying “don't be reckless with
other people's hearts; don't put up with people that are reckless with yours”.

At the end of the day it's a free world and you can do and see what and who you want. To be honest I could understand what you saw in Dave, he seemed like a good guy and I accepted it and thought that it actually was gonna be something serious.

I don't really know Neil, apart from the fact that he has a bigger
wardrobe than Sarah and frequently sends picture messages of his abs to Steve. I guess the word arrogant springs to mind. When I was up in Auckland last he asked me if 'Dave was still stuffing you'. Ouch.

Maybe I have it all wrong and he's a good guy, but given what you have told me about what you have been going through lately I was surprised to hear that you think it's a good idea to get in a relationship with anybody.

I also feel like I have been somewhat alienated from my friends
because of all of this. They have to tiptoe around topics and keep
things from me in order to protect me from getting hurt. Matty in
particular pretty much won't even mention your name around me. There is no way I can come to Auckland and hang out with them all and feel completely comfortable, which is exactly what happened when I was up in June and you and Dave were around.

In spite of all this I obviously still care about you immensely.
Please don't take this as a personal attack on you, it isn't. And I'm
not trying to talk you out of whatever you have with Neil; ultimately that's none of my business. There were just a couple of things that were probably best to get off my chest.

I'm not upset at you or angry with you about any of this. Our lives
are dragging us down very different paths right now and I look forward to the day that they cross one day in the future, whenever that might be. I just hope that you can be as happy as you were when we were together. And I hope that I can be too.

So yeah, it probably was a stupid idea and its maybe something I should have just posted on here instead. But its done now and I don't feel bad about it all. I just woke up in the middle of last night my mind once again whizzing because of her making me feel crap and I just wanted to let loose once. Let her know that ultimately she has treated me like crap been reckless with my feelings. Not surprisingly I haven't heard back from her. I don't need the drama of her being in my life anyway. It's a privilege for her to have me in her life as far as I am concerned.

Anyway, would be interested to know if you have any thoughts on all of this...



EC

[DevilNam]

Good job

[Imabadman]

Man… in my opinion you got played, again.

She got exactly what she wanted out of you, an emotional response. Hook has been set and you got reeled in. You just confirmed that she has emotional control over you. Instead of the long whiny babbling email you could have summed it up in one sentence, "I'm still pining over you."

You do see how she effects you each time she contacts you, don't you? You get inflated with hopes and delusions and then POP, she deflates you with her newest escapade and you freak.

Break the cycle buddy. If she does respond... don't read it. Delete it! Do yourself a favor and let yourself be free. Try 6-12 months without cyber stalking, pining, spying, and worring about her I think you'll find that you're in a much better place. I know you say you're all better now... but damn, reread your email to her in a year and you'll probably want to crawl under a rock.

I apologize if I sound harsh here but I just want this to soak in. And yes, it's only my opinion so you're free to use as you see fit. Good luck, stay strong.

[qerp32]

Your email absolutely reaks of jealousy, insecurity, desperation, the list goes on... WHY did you send it? All you're doing is stroking her ego and validating her in leaving you. Don't lie to yourself saying you're not bothered.

You need to wake up and finally put an end to this. Read the post you made a month ago, you were doing fine then. Why did you break no-contact? Complete NC is the only way out of this cycle. By that I mean don't ever speak to her again. You said it yourself - you don't need the drama. You've been in this loop of pain far too long already, get out before you become insane!

[Empty Cans]

Anyway yeah you guys are right, was a bit stupid and I feel like a bit of an idiot. Re-reading it after a day and I want to crawl under a rock. All good though, just another thing to take in my stride.

[harriejansen]

We all do this, just go back to NC and hang in there, don't worry too much about stupid emails you write.

[ImTotallyLost]

I wouldn't beat myself that hard, EC. But I think people here are right. You are still emotional about the whole thing, it seems. I think your attitude from now on should be to let her live her life, no matter how dumb her life decisions are.

Go after another women. It's been a year already, right? It'll give you something else to think about.

[Imabadman]

No worries buddy... had my share of moments I don't care to relive either. Kind of like fire when you were a kid... didn't matter what your parents said sooner or later you were going to play with the fire until you got burned. It's that epiphany of, "Damn! I won't be doing that again..." Live and learn.