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bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 08:54 AM

Me and my boyfriend have been 2gether for 4 months now. In these 4 months, we've benn through so much. It seems like we have nothing but problems. He thinks im needy, even though he knows im self independent. He thinks i have 2 much pride in myself and i told him that if no one else is gonna tell me i look good then i have to keep my self esteem up. I told him that he nevers listens because he never does. He still doesnt know that when im mad, i like 2 be left alone until i solve it. After i solve it and figure things out in my head, i come to him so we can talk. During the 2nd month that we were together, i found out that he was going with some other guy while he was still with me. He said he didnt tell me because he didnt want 2 hurt my feelings. We've have 2 big arguments that almost lead 2 us splittin up but i knew that we would get over it. It turned out i was wrong. We had one more fight and he actually had the nerve 2 bring up evey problem we've ever had in our relationship from day 1. He was yellin and cussin at me for no reason. Earlier that day, i told him that i didnt want him 2 talk 2 me because i was mad. He decided not to listen(like he always does)and he went off. All i wanted 2 tell him was that i needed a lttle bit of space but he nevers let me say anythin. By the time, he was done cussin me, i wasnt mad because i wanted space. I was FURIOUS because he told me everything that he thought i did wrong and how i was hurtin him when throughout this entire relationship, he's been hurtin me. To top it all off, he's in love with another boy. :mad: HIS BEST FRIEND!!!:mad: I keep tryin 2 tell him that i already know but he wont listen and he tries 2 tell me that he isnt. After all of that was said and done, I broke up with him. Now, everyone that knows we were 2gether says that he is hurt and that he wants 2 apologize. Im not sure if itll be sincere because ive told him 2 change b 4 and he never did. Should i take him back?

rol · Dec 18, 2006, 09:05 AM

<<During the 2nd month that we were together, I found out that he was going with some other guy while he was still with me. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want 2 hurt my feelings.>>

<<To top it all off, he's in love with another boy. HIS BEST FRIEND!! >>

<,Should I take him back?>>

Did you not say above that he is in love with a boy?!

bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 09:08 AM

Yeah. I said that. Im gay. Sorry for the confusion.

onlineguy · Dec 18, 2006, 09:09 AM

As an observation you both seem to be very emotionaly involved, which is fine if things are going well, but not so good when they are not.

I know this from recent experience. If each time you talk to each other you argue and fight, then perhaps its best for you both to emotional step back from each other, Have a period of complete no contact. Once this is done you will both have calmed down and then can talk rationaly about your feelings.

You can't do this when your feelings are running HIGH ! Its not possible, because your emotions will take over and anger will result.

rol · Dec 18, 2006, 09:10 AM

Oh I'm sorry!! I just realised perhaps that was it after I posted...

bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 09:16 AM

[To rol]Its cool. I understand my messages can b a little confusing 2 people that don't know me.

ordinaryguy · Dec 18, 2006, 09:17 AM

You both sound really immature and childish. Take some time off from emotional involvements and do some growing up.

bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 09:18 AM

[To online guy] I totally understand what your saying. Its hard 2 talk to him when he's mad cause he nevers listens 2 what I have 2 say. He just talks and talks and then feels as though everythin will be okay.

bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

You both sound really immature and childish. Take some time off from emotional involvements and do some growing up.

What do you mean by immature and childish?? Please elaborate.

onlineguy · Dec 18, 2006, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by bulldog08390

[To online guy] I totally understand what ur sayin. Its hard 2 talk 2 him when he's mad cause he nevers listens 2 what i have 2 say. He just talks and talks and then feels as though everythin will be okay.

A relationship is about the thoughts and feelings of two people, NOT ONE. He appears to not be able to see this because his emotions are clouding his vision. Can't see the wood from the trees, so he and you need to step back and then you can both see the wider issues.

It is the only way you can do it or the emotional turmoil will drive you apart.

Been there done it. Trust Me !

bulldog08390 · Dec 18, 2006, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by onlineguy

A relationship is about the thoughts and feelings of two people, NOT ONE. He appears to not be able to see this because his emotions are clouding his vision. Can't see the wood from the trees, so he and you need to step back and then you can both see the wider issues.

It is the only way you can do it or the emotional turmoil will drive you appart.

Been there done it. Trust Me !

Thanks. I really appreciate that. Ive never looked at it like that. U sound like u know a lot about relationships. Im glad u chose to help me with my problem.

4answers · Dec 18, 2006, 09:45 AM

See the post on no contact.

Your not ending it completely, your not looking for another, your just stepping back for a period of evaluation.

You need to try to make him see that and respect your wishes.

talaniman · Dec 18, 2006, 10:16 AM

Hey Bulldog, I think separation is what answers meant, where two parties agree to step back and let the dust settle and think where this relationship is headed. No contact is a way to heal when we know its over and want to get to a healthy point to be able to move on. It does appear that though by telling some one to change is a bit controlling and we have no control over another. Forget what everyone else says, as you are the one to have to endure his extracurricular activities. I think you both should have a calm talk and figure if this relationship is worth all this drama. No communication, no relationship. No relationship, no contact.

ordinaryguy · Dec 18, 2006, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by bulldog08390

What do you mean by immature and childish??? Please elaborate.

You jerk each other around emotionally, lie to each other, manipulate each other, don't really communicate honestly, argue a lot, but don't work toward a real understanding or resolution of your problems. That sort of thing.

onlineguy · Dec 18, 2006, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

. I think you both should have a calm talk and figure if this relationship is worth all this drama. No communication, no relationship. No relationship, no contact.

I agree whole heartedly with this statement, but this can only be achieved once both parties are not as emotionally charged as they appear to be. If they try to communicate whilst in such high emotional states then this will only result in arguments, because neither is capable of seeing the other persons point of view. Only there own emotions.

What is needed is an agreed (cool off, seperationd, whatever you want to call it) for a short period. No contact, personal reavaluation of what each of you wants / needs from the relationship. Then you can meet on friendly terms and have an mature, non emotional discussion.

If your not suppercharged with emotions you can talk about emotionions !

(((Every asked an angry enraged man if he thinks his emotions or he might be wrong ? Noooo, because he would not listen or accept it, evan if everyone else knows he is in the wrong. Once he has calmed down he can then see it. It works the same with the emotional connections of the heart))).

bulldog08390 · Dec 20, 2006, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

You jerk each other around emotionally, lie to each other, manipulate each other, don't really communicate honestly, argue a lot, but don't work toward a real understanding or resolution of your problems. That sort of thing.

Oh. Well I've never lied or manipulated anything in the relationship. I always told the truth because I feel that lies only prevent you from knowing what's really going on.

Angelwings08 · Dec 20, 2006, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by bulldog08390

Me and my boyfriend have been 2gether for 4 months now. In these 4 months, we've benn through so much. It seems like we have nothing but problems. He thinks im needy, even though he knows im self independent. He thinks i have 2 much pride in myself and i told him that if no one else is gonna tell me i look good then i have to keep my self esteem up. I told him that he nevers listens because he never does. He still doesnt know that when im mad, i like 2 be left alone until i solve it. After i solve it and figure things out in my head, i come to him so we can talk. During the 2nd month that we were together, i found out that he was going with some other guy while he was still with me. He said he didnt tell me because he didnt want 2 hurt my feelings. We've have 2 big arguments that almost lead 2 us splittin up but i knew that we would get over it. It turned out i was wrong. We had one more fight and he actually had the nerve 2 bring up evey problem we've ever had in our relationship from day 1. He was yellin and cussin at me for no reason. Earlier that day, i told him that i didnt want him 2 talk 2 me because i was mad. He decided not to listen(like he always does)and he went off. All i wanted 2 tell him was that i needed a lttle bit of space but he nevers let me say anythin. By the time, he was done cussin me, i wasnt mad because i wanted space. I was FURIOUS because he told me everything that he thought i did wrong and how i was hurtin him when throughout this entire relationship, he's been hurtin me. To top it all off, he's in love with another boy. :mad: HIS BEST FRIEND!!!:mad: I keep tryin 2 tell him that i already know but he wont listen and he tries 2 tell me that he isnt. After all of that was said and done, I broke up with him. Now, everyone that knows we were 2gether says that he is hurt and that he wants 2 apologize. Im not sure if itll be sincere because ive told him 2 change b 4 and he never did. Should i take him back?

I do not think that this person was treating you well but you need to let this go and move on because there are more men out there and some are good.

bulldog08390 · Dec 21, 2006, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Angelwings08

I do not think that this person was treating you well but you need to let this go and move on because there are more men out there and some are good.

You have a very good point. There are other boys that are offering me a better relationship than what he's giving me.

Wildcat21 · Dec 21, 2006, 03:17 PM

The get busy with them. Put this shmuk in the rear view mirror.

chuff · Dec 21, 2006, 11:00 PM

Hey Bulldog, I have a question for you... and I want you to seriously think long and hard before you answer it. Maybe take a day before you post the answer but here it is.

Aren't you worth more than what this guy is treating you like?

Don't just read that and answer me. Stop, focus and really internalize it. Ponder for several hours.