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    hjb's Avatar
    hjb Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 7, 2005, 11:26 AM
    Should I stay or leave
    Hi I'm 28 with three kids
    I meet my husband when I was 18 years old Got married a year a half later. We had to girls and then when my youngest daughter was almost three he left me for another woman (a friend of mine). We were separated for almost two years. He had a baby boy with her and I got pregnant by someone else too. I thought that I wanted him back so I fought for him and we have been back togather sense August of 2004. My baby was born in Dec 2004, and my husband has been a good father to him. In the last 6 months or so I've been feeling differently. I thought things would be better after the separation but haven't. He still yells all the time and puts me down, but now he throws things that happen during our separation in my face(exp. She did this why can't you kind of stuff). How can I leave and make him understand that I will never keep my son from him. He is very close to my so and has taken care of him sense he was born. The biological father has nothing to do with my son. I told him about my son and he didn't want anything to do with him because I was getting back togather with my husband.
    Thomas1970's Avatar
    Thomas1970 Posts: 856, Reputation: 131
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    #2

    Oct 7, 2005, 02:46 PM
    Hi Holly. How are you? It seems to me there is an awful lot going on here on both sides. Though you had dated for some time before getting married, you had still done so relatively young. It may not have been quite as much an issue for you, but often men take far longer to find themselves, and generally tend to mature far slower than women. Many have a sense of needing to explore their life options at that age, and will often question for years if they are making the right choice.
    The fact that he dated you for so long is evidence that he was once very strongly attracted to you, and may well still be. But it seems to me he still felt trapped in some way. The fact that he left you for your friend could be interpreted in many ways. Forgive me for saying so, though I don't feel that shows a lot of respect on either of their parts. He may have left you for a friend, knowing that would hurt you the most. Any anger you might have had over that, likely would have made it easier for him to bury any feelings he still had, to severe the strong bonds you have through your common love for your children.
    Your friend on the other hand... Well, if it wasn't out of jealousy or envy for what you had, I really cannot fathom her intentions or justifications. That shows little regard for your humanity, feelings, desires, needs or boundaries. I really hope she is not still a part of your life. You can find and deserve far better friends than that.
    As for the way things are now, I think he is still to some degree seeking justifications for his own confusion. I think his berating you is his way of dealing with any guilt he has over his prior misdiscretion, though being a guy, he isn't likely to ever admit it. Either way, it is something that is eating away at him, and has little if anything to do with you. The fact that you now have a child with another man, as well may prove to be an obstacle he may not be able to overcome. I have no doubt he is an excellent father and loves his own children dearly, but he may have unexpressed difficulties raising children that are not his own. Women often tend to be more nurturing by nature, and enjoy being an integral part of the growth and development of others. Some men simply have a tendency to see children a bit more as an extension of their own image and their life's accomplishments, not solely as individuals and an integral part of the future of society.
    I guess the best things you can tell him are... First off, just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they can necessarily always live together. I think we have all experienced this at one time or another. Perhaps you have just grown out of each other to a degree.
    Second, your children will always remain the greatest expression of the love and commitment you share with each other. They will always be a part of each of you, and a part of both of your lives. Just because you separate doesn't mean you don't love each other any more, your love has just grown into another capacity. You can still remain friends. Often people value romantic love over that of friendship, but that is simply not true. Often friendships endure far longer, and the road is usually far less rocky.
    The most important thing to remember is that love is not about feelings of attachment, it is first and foremost about doing what is best for those we love, even if it doesn't bring us the most personal satisfaction.
    If you decide to stay together as a family I commend you, though I would definitely recommend couples counseling to work through any issues and resentments relating to your former split. If you find you simply can not work through things, there is no harm in having the court document mutual custody rights and visitation agreements. Simply let him know that you wish to do so for his own piece of mind, and it has nothing to do with your faith or trust in him. There would be no shame in going to court for such a reason.
    Either way, regardless of how good a father he is to his children, it is time to insist that he be equally as good to you.
    I hope what I've wrote is able to help in some way. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
    letmeno's Avatar
    letmeno Posts: 215, Reputation: 23
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    #3

    Oct 7, 2005, 05:43 PM
    I hate to hear of a woman going through things such as this, I went through the same thing with my child's father, but he left while I was pregnant, and came crawling back right before I had my child. I took him back to prove a point to the other girl and that was a hugh mistake because I had never forgiven him.
    If you want this to work out, and he wants this to work out also, seek counseling.
    For some reason or another men are not very forgiving when it comes to infedelity. In this case it was not cheating because you two were separated at the time but in his eyes, you still cheated. Don't ask me, I'm not a man, I just know how some of them think.
    I am not going to tell you to leave him because in some cases, things do work out if both partners agree that working things out is what they both want.
    He is trying to rob you of yourself esteem. I found that some men do this to gain leverage. To make them feel superior, to gain control. It could be that he is still cheating and often tries to pick a fight to "get away" for the moment, they do this too.
    What it all boils down to is that you need to decide what YOU want to do. Staying with someone for the child's sake is no reason to be in a relationship or marriage. When you are REALLY REALLY READY to leave you are not going to give a hoot and a half as to what it is that he thinks, or feels about you.
    Dig deep within yourself and you will find your answer.
    shenda's Avatar
    shenda Posts: 160, Reputation: 21
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    #4

    Oct 7, 2005, 06:34 PM
    Emotions
    Emotions are fleeting and they should be ignored when a decision has to be made... when emotions run rampant and decisions are made in the heat of them, the core... the heart of what is desired is pushed into a remote corner and not considered during the moment yet interjected as hind-sight or an after thought when yet more emotions surface and the heart of the matter is so far removed we end up eating pridesoup with blamecrackers when it ought not be... think about what you want, for yourself, for your children. Ask yourself are you willing to endure for their sake, are you willing to help your husband admit that he was hurt. Are you both willing to admit the hurt, embrace total forgiveness and redirect all of that energy into saving your marriage... remembering why the two of you hooked up to conquer the world... understanding that it will only get better when you both decide now is the time... your husband can only hold your past mistake against you as long as you allow it... I'm not saying that you can force him to stop reaching back; however, I am saying that once you forgive yourself, the mere mention of whatever will not set you off... you must accept whatever it is as something you did, and know that it is over, it is no longer a part of you, you may want to remind your husband that yes I did whatever, but I am not doing it now... I need you here, now in the present, my gift to you and your gift to me... to live in the present because yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. When he lashes out at you, show him love, give him love because he needs to be restored, he needs to know that you are his safe haven, that when he lays his head on the pillow that you have his best interest at heart, once he is restored, he will meet you at your point of need. It is strange, but if you felt at one time it was worth fighting for... what happened to change your mind? Emotions or an earnest "I'm tired and do not care anymore". If this is your earnest plea and not a self-defense mechanism... throw in the towel, but if you are merely attempting to shield yourself... let Love be your cover... love on your husband... make him feel good about himself again, because whether you believe it or not that is one of the reasons the two of you are still together... men stay with women that make them feel good about themselves. They are so simple when you think about it, the question is... are you willing to invest and reap the fruit of your labor in due season.
    Thomas1970's Avatar
    Thomas1970 Posts: 856, Reputation: 131
    Senior Member
     
    #5

    Oct 7, 2005, 07:54 PM
    I think letmeno and shenda both have excellent points. Two different perspectives, but both very valid. I think letmeno is very much right. Though I do think he also harbors a lot of guilt regarding his own actions, and he'll probably be loathe to admit it. On the other hand he may find it very easy to blame you for choices, made only in the light of his own intiative actions. Though divorce might have been preferable, you were separated, and he made his choices first.
    Though I agree... I myself am a guy, and consider myself a very forgiving one, though many men simply are not that way. As I stated, a lot of men take a very long time to mature. Like the grown children that some of them admittedly are, they take pleasure in what pleases them. Some men have a tendency to be possessive by nature. It doesn't matter whether it is a relationship, his car, his wide-screen TV, or his riding mower. Though as I stated in my previous post, true love isn't about satisfaction derived, it's more about happiness given. Loving someone through the best and the worst of times. No one can strive for total domination and ever remain happy for long.
    Though that is often how men are raised, they are taught to be in control all the time, not to express their feelings, emotions or vulnerabilities. He probably is seeking help or understanding but doesn't know how to ask. Thus he continues to blame you. It is always far easier to bring someone else down than to raise oneself up. I think he just wants to experience a sense of equilibrium and equality again, because I think right now, he may feel at some sort of a disadvantage. Just try to be understanding for the time being. Though if you intend to stay married, I would definitely look toward counseling.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #6

    Oct 8, 2005, 07:11 PM
    You speak of your son's biological father, but who is his legal father? Has your husband legally adopted your son? If not, then the biological father is also the legal father, despite never having been married to you and despite the fact that your husband has raised him as his own son. Your husband can petition the court to allow him to adopt your son and become his legal father but such a petition is unlikely to be granted considering the fact that you and your husband are comtemplating breaking up. Alternatively, your husband can petition for visitation rights, as though he were the child's biological father, and the judge would certainly take into consideration the paternal-like relationship that your husband has maintained with your son since his birth. This would be the best thing for your husband to do, as there is no guarantee that the biological father will not at some point in the future attempt to invoke his paternal rights and this is something that the judge will not ignore, regardless of the specific circumstances. By proceeding in this manner your husband can secure some legal protection for himself to enable him to carry on with the relationship he has established with your son thus far. Have the two of you considered counseling as a means of possibly preserving your marriage? Although the two of you have certainly been through a lot, it also sounds like you were very devoted to each other to get back together after a two-year separation. Perhaps a professional can help your husband to confront the issues that cause him to yell and put you down and compare you negatively to the woman with whom he had the affair during your separation. Also, I don't want to play the devil's advocate, but I doubt that you're blameless in this situation either. As with your husband, maybe a professional counselor can help you confront your issues that have prevented you from giving this marriage what it needs and deserves. At any rate, I really feel that the both of you owe this marriage a chance to survive. Good luck!
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #7

    Oct 8, 2005, 11:21 PM
    I think that all of the advice you've received is very good and justified. One thing for sure is that no couple in the world is 100 percent happy. There is no such thing. If you can see yourself with this man 20 years down the road, you seeing his faults, him seeing your faults, and both learning to live with them, then get professional help and those reasons for your unhappiness/dislike will eventually fade. Don't just do it for yourself, but consider the children. If they feel loved by both of you it will be hard for them to be in the middle of all this. They might get the feeling that they 'have to take sides' and that will stress them out a lot, which will ruin a healthy attitude towards life in general. If you and your husband don't argue in front of them and everything else is well in the 'household' then a counselling certainly won't do any harm at all. Good luck to you - all of you. Oh, by all means do consider the adoption!
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Oct 9, 2005, 04:13 AM
    Leave
    Hi,
    Have you talked with a lawyer? You need to, and file separation papers.
    Move on with your life, meet new people. A lawyer can help you with this.
    You made a mistake getting back together, so now you can correct it.
    Whether you can convince him you will never keep your son from him has nothing to do with this. Get out of this mess, and start living your life as it should be.
    Best wishes,
    fredg
    bailey_2k5@hotmail.com's Avatar
    [email protected] Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Oct 10, 2005, 01:31 PM
    Do not leave it will really mess your children's lifes up make yours harder for you and probably cost more money... if you love him stay, if you really really can't stand him and you think it is rong being tiwh him leave but there will be consaquinces
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
    Full Member
     
    #10

    Oct 12, 2005, 11:21 PM
    COUNSELING MAYBE? This guy has some anger issues, and you don't want your kids to be anywhere near that. I grew up in a home like that and now I need counseling, its BS for people to talk like that, it solves nothing. He is just pulling the ol dominant male BS. Don't yell back though, that will just make it worse. I would say he does that because YOU let him get away with it. A lot of guys do stuff like that because they CAN. Let him know that won't fly or you and the kids are out! I hate it when people yell all the time and never solve . Yell at first if you must, then calm down and talk rationally, and like mature ADULTS. This guy sound like a southern boy.(I am from the south)
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #11

    Oct 13, 2005, 05:45 AM
    Children
    Hi,
    The post about "don't leave, it will mess up your childrens' lives", couldn't be more wrong.
    There is nothing worse than children living in an unhappy family environment, with two parents who can't get along.
    Separation or Divorce is much better, depending on how bad the situation is.
    Children should not have to be forced to be unhappy, and they can be happy with a mother who loves them, and probably will eventually meet another man who loves the children, too.
    fredg
    hjb's Avatar
    hjb Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    Oct 13, 2005, 07:03 AM
    Should I leave or stay
    Hi
    Thanks to everyone for your comments. I'm thinking of leaving more then staying. When I hear my 7 year old tell her daddy not to yell at her mommy almost everyday It brakes my heart and it seems like that's all she thinks about. I tired of putting her through this stuff. She should be able to be a kid and not have to worry about us fighting.
    My 5 year old tells her daddy that she loves him but if mommy leaves she is too. She says this every time I'm told to leave.
    I'm tired of trying and feeling like I'm getting nowhere and that he doesn't care if I leave or not. I've tried the talking thing and he says he knows how I feel and he will stop but then two or three days later it like he forgot everything we talked about and shows his again. It's like he tell me what I want to hear just so I won't leave, but I am saving money so that I will be able to get my kids and me a place.
    After the last fight I told him that I just can't live like this anymore and I was going to leave as soon as I had enough money to get me and the kids a place so he went out and bought me a rug to go with my lighthouse stuff. I feel like he thinks that if he buys me nice things I'll stay.
    byazard's Avatar
    byazard Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #13

    Nov 8, 2007, 04:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by hjb
    Hi I'm 28 with three kids
    I meet my husband when I was 18 years old Got married a year a half later. We had to girls and then when my youngest daughter was almost three he left me for another woman (a friend of mine). We were seperated for almost two years. He had a baby boy with her and I got pregnant by someone else too. I thought that I wanted him back so I fought for him and we have been back togather sense August of 2004. My baby was born in Dec 2004, and my husband has been a good father to him. In the last 6 months or so I've been feeling differently. I thought things would be better after the seperation but haven't. He still yells all the time and puts me down, but now he throws things that happen during our seperation in my face(exp. she did this why can't you kind of stuff). How can I leave and make him understand that I will never keep my son from him. He is very close to my so and has taken care of him sense he was born. The biological father has nothing to do with my son. I told him about my son and he didn't want anything to do with him because I was getting back togather with my husband.
    I think you should leave this man and make a life for yourself and your kids. He sounds like a horrible, womanising piece of work and you deserve better than this, so do your kids. The liberation you feel when you are independent and don't have to rely on men for emotional supoort will far outweigh the pain you might feel after separating from him.

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