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ritchie100 · May 15, 2011, 05:55 AM

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I love her more than anything. However, in the past 3 weeks she has been visiting her cousin at another college. Then we get in a fight over nothing and she asks if we should be single. I knew that something was up and I asked her about other guys that she met there and she insisted that nothing happened. Well I finally got it out of her that she met another guy. He has feelings for her and I know she does too. They have been texting as well. She says it was a huge mistake and she loves me and wants to be with me, I know she feels terrible but how do I know she won't do this again. I want to stay with her but I can't get this off my mind. It hurts me a lot and I don't know how to ever trust her again.
Please help me

DoulaLC · May 15, 2011, 06:09 AM

She will have to be the one to instill the trust back into the relationship. She would have to stop communicating with this guy... is she wanting to do that?

I'd turn it back to her and ask her if she wants to stop dating you exclusively so that she can have the opportunity to go out with other people.

That she asked you about being single, over a fight about something entirely different, says she has obviously been thinking about it herself. She may have been somewhat hoping you would say yes so that she could be off the hook about ending things as they are. It could then be seen as your decision and not her's.

Talk to her. Find out what she wants to do. Mistakes happen, people get themselves into situations that they shouldn't be, but it can often be righted if the person wants to enough.

ritchie100 · May 15, 2011, 06:17 AM

She says she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. It is just hard because if I didn't care about her so much I would not stay with her. She understands that she has lost my trust and wants to earn it back, but even I don't know how she can do that. I am just confused and in a very weird situation.

DoulaLC · May 15, 2011, 06:27 AM

It is a very difficult situation to be in. There is no fast way through it. It will take time and frank communication between the two of you.

That this happened while she was gone for just 3 weeks, and that she didn't put the breaks on things when she noticed an attraction makes it difficult. Sometimes it is a matter of experiencing this type of situation to realize where the limits need to be drawn. Hopefully she now knows where she crossed the line. It is perfectly normal to find someone attractive, but that is where it should end when you are in a committed relationship.

Talk about it with her... know that you will likely need to ask her questions to feel reassured. She will need to help you feel that reassurance that this was a one off, stupid mistake, she allowed herself to get caught up in.

That she understands she has lost your trust, and that she wants to earn it back are steps in the right direction. Give it time. You will know at some point if things are getting back on track, and your feelings of distrust are easing, or if this is enough to decide to move on.

Homegirl 50 · May 15, 2011, 11:10 AM

If you find it difficult to trust her things will likely not go back to the way they were before.
She may be sorry for what she did but I would imagine she is curious and maybe wants to be single.
I think you two might do well to take a break and see where things go.
Sometimes you grow out of each other and not realize it.
How old are the two of you?

talaniman · May 16, 2011, 10:28 AM

It takes time and work on both your parts to repair the damages done. If you cannot give it the time, you may as well leave her alone, and focus on yourself.

We all get faced with these kinds of challenges, but over time, we overcome them. We learn, and do better.

Just don't expect things to get better over night, and through your extreme disappointment, figure if she is worth all this or not. If her words and actions don't match from here on out, then it won't matter how you feel about her, you will have to let her go, and do better for yourself.

Sorry for your pain.

mmresd · May 16, 2011, 11:17 AM

When trust in a relationship is damaged, it takes A LOT of work to undo that type of damage. She has messed up once, whether she does it again or not who knows, but are YOU willing to stick around to find out? This time she didn't do anything, next time you might find out that something worse happened. It is your call, I would advise to leave her as a way of showing her that her mistake has cost her more than she thinks, but if you still want to put up with that and live with the discomfort that the though of your girlfriend might be meeting someone else and the stress that it gives you, be my guess.

Good Luck,
Javi

ritchie100 · May 16, 2011, 05:17 PM

She is going to that school next year and this kid is very good friends with her cousin. She says that she will avoid him but I don't see how that can happen. I want to trust her and stay with her. But if I do stay with her and something else happens again, it will just be that much harder on me and obviously I would end it. I just don't want to waste my time on something that isn't worth it in the end.

DoulaLC · May 16, 2011, 05:39 PM

Only you can decide if you end things now based on what has happened and the "what ifs" that might or might not happen next year. What if she sticks to what she says she will do? There is no way to know... that is where faith in someone comes into the picture. It's a risk really anyone in a relationship takes.

It is hard once that seed of doubt has been planted. It won't ever be forgotten, and will remain somewhere in the recesses of your mind, but it can be dealt with and it can be learned from. Again, as has been said, it takes time and effort on both your parts. The onus is on her however, to help you regain trust in her.

If you don't think you can do it, or at least not right now, then you could put things on hold. Let her know you need time to work through it on your own. It may be the end of the relationship, or you may reconnect at some point.

If you feel the relationship is something you want to continue, and build on, then let her know you expect frank and honest communication. The relationship will be different, but it may be better in that the two of you may communicate better now, and if she has learned not to take it for granted and how costly a foolish mistake can be.

You've invested four years in the relationship... what is that worth to you and what event would make it an automatic deal breaker?

88sunflower · May 16, 2011, 05:59 PM

I also am wondering your ages. If she is attending that college next year I am guessing as a first year student? So maybe your ages are 17-19 possibly? Which also means you started dating quite young. You may just be at the crossroads right now where its time to grow apart and you both need to decide and agree on that. I say that because you have been together for some time. She went out and it sounded like she had some fun and enjoyed herself. This could either mean she is ready to move on or it was a total mistake. She may have just also got caught up in the excitement of being on campus and the freedom she maybe felt. In my opinion I would straight out ask what you both want from here on out. Don't let that comfort zone suck you and stay together for that reason. You are young as I am assuming and it seems it might be time to question things further. If you do decide to stay together then the trust issue comes in. It can be worked on and you could trust her again in time. Its hard and it won't be over night but it can be done.