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PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 09:40 PM

My boyfriend of one and a half years and I went out last night, and we both drank way too much... his best friend came home with us to help take care of my boyfriend because he was throwing up... well my boyfriend decided to take a shower, so his friend and I were talking and I started to get really upset because my best friend just passed away in a car accident 3 weeks ago and it just hits me at really random times. His friend was comforting me, and I don't remember anything past that, but apparently we made out for 20min or so, and my boyfriend saw. He says that he needs time, and that he doesn't know if he can forgive me. I don't know what to do besides apologize, but it's really hard to feel sorry because I still don't feel like anything happened. I want to keep calling him and talk about it, but he won't talk to me... what should I do? I really don't want to lose him.

tormanatort · Aug 5, 2007, 09:50 PM

Yes he's also got feelings

PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 10:07 PM

I know he has feelings... and I know that I did a very bad thing, I'm asking for your help and advice, not for you to judge me!

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 10:13 PM

Hey, you really don't remember doing it?
You need to apologise and stuff, try to make him feel better. I reckon it was wrong of his friend to let you do that, his friend has betrayed you and him simultaneously.

thadevilsadvocate · Aug 5, 2007, 10:18 PM

Originally Posted by PinkyStar

My boyfriend of one and a half years and I went out last night, and we both drank way too much...his best friend came home with us to help take care of my boyfriend because he was throwing up...well my bf decided to take a shower, so his friend and I were talking and I started to get really upset because my best friend just passed away in a car accident 3 weeks ago and it just hits me at really random times. His friend was comforting me, and I don't remember anything past that, but apparently we made out for 20min or so, and my bf saw. He says that he needs time, and that he doesn't know if he can forgive me. I don't know what to do besides apologize, but it's really hard to feel sorry because I still don't feel like anything happened. I want to keep calling him and talk about it, but he won't talk to me...what should I do? I really don't want to lose him.

Agreed. Time is just what you need to give him. It shouldn't be hard for you to feel sorry for him, unless you think that he just made this up. Have you checked with the friend to see if this actually happened? What you need to consider here is that your boyfriend not only has to think about the two of you, but he also has to try and figure out if he can forgive his friend as well, and considering they seem to be tight friends, he needs to figure out if he will be able to trust the two of you around each other again... as well as whether he will ever be able to trust you drinking again. You have to accept that fact that you messed up, drunk or not and regardless of whether you remember. Then you need to just give your boyfriend the time he needs and hope for the best. If you want to contact him about this at all, write a short and simple letter or email, saying... that you realize you are responsible for your actions, even if you don't remember them, and that you have learned from this mistake and that you have to accept the outcome, whatever it may be, but that you hope he can appreciate your willingness to accept the responsibility of your actions and will be willing to work past it.

Keep us posted on what happens, but don't bug him or you will only be doing damage to yourself.

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 10:20 PM

You got to tread real carefully here pink, guys are more sensitive than you may think, we aren't like walls where everything bounces of, more like sponges that absorb everything, disguised as walls.

PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 10:22 PM

I honestly have no recollection... it's not even like it was a dream or anything! And yes, I am super pissed at his friend, I really would love to know what was going on in his head...

Clough · Aug 5, 2007, 10:22 PM

One and a half years is a fair amount of time to be dating someone. Everyone is capable of doing stupid things when they are drunk. Last night was last night - not long ago at all. I would suggest giving him some time. Like, maybe a week or more. It will take some time for you to ease back into the relationship. Please don't be anxious or in a hurry. To do so might mean making rash decisions or comments. What happened and getting around it and getting on will take a lot of thought and communication that needs to be thought out carefully on both of your parts.

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 10:24 PM

Best thing to remember... dont let it happen again!
Learn from this experience at least!

Dreamer10 · Aug 5, 2007, 10:26 PM

I would say that since you know what you are capable of when you drink so much, you should out of respect to him and yourself, as well as to prove that you are really sorry and don't want something like this to ever happen again... give up drinking.

You should tell him that you were not aware that you could be capable of being a "cheater" and that this was all due to drinking, thus you will give up drinking. This makes sense, especially when you have no control over yourself. You would rather choose him anyway, than a bottle of beer or wine. Right?

PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 10:29 PM

I know I have to back off, it's just so hard because I want to be there for him... it's so hard to watch someone you love so much hurt, and not be able to do anything about it! I sent him flowers (calla lilies are his fave) with a little note... they'll get there Tuesday, but I'm just going to wait it out... this sucks!

Dreamer10 · Aug 5, 2007, 10:44 PM

But wait, what about going over to his place and telling him the truth... that you have no control over your body when you drink, and can't recall putting your tongue in his best friends mouth. I sound harsh? Well this is the way he feels, because this is what you did while he was in the same house too! Anyway, you should give up drinking, and be there for your boyfriend. I think he will believe you more then, when you show him how shocked you are that "drinking" has made you do such a low thing to someone you were suppose to take care of. It's easy to choose your loved one over the bottle! Especially when you are blaming this disgusting act of what you have done on alcohol... So what do you say?

thadevilsadvocate · Aug 5, 2007, 10:57 PM

Originally Posted by Dreamer10

But wait, what about going over to his place and telling him the truth...that you have no control over your body when you drink, and can't recall putting your tongue in his best friends mouth.

Maybe he will buy this, but I'm pretty sure he won't. In no way is being drunk an excuse. Sure, people do stupid things when they are drunk. But, then the flipside is that your most honest when you are drunk... both of these facts are irrelevant though. Being drunk is no excuse for what happened. Regardless of whether you remember it. Perhaps, rather than leaving all of the thinking up to him... you should take this time to let this marinate on your brain and figure out why this may have occurred. Something in your mind and/or body made you do this. Are you having issues with sex in your relationship? Are you unsure of whether you want to be settled down right now? Think about possible things that may be causind doubts in your mind... sure, you feel terrible about it now... hindsight is 20/20... but something triggered this and perhaps your state of mind from being drunk, made you act on those thoughts.

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 11:18 PM

I agree with the others aye, seriously, I reckon it's the booze or the guy pink, I reckon if booze can make you lose control like that, you really should give it up to avoid future incidents. Also, wouldn't you be pretty flattered if someone said they were giving up something they enjoy just for you?
It should help to make it easier on him at least, at least if you give up booze he won't be worrying about you doing it again.

Dreamer10 · Aug 5, 2007, 11:20 PM

Yeah giving up drinking will show you are serious and truthful about being out of control that night. If you are not serious, then leave the poor guy alone and do him a favor. He might be better off without you.

PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 11:37 PM

You have no idea how much I've done for him or what we've been through together, I just turned 21, and I'm still learning my limits, also, I know your not supposed to drink when your upset, but it was my first time downtown without my best friend who just died... I only went out with her... so I was having a rough night to begin with... I'll ask him if I gave up drinking for a while if it would help ease his mind, but I don't think it will... I really don't want to, but I love him so much, so if that's what it takes... but please don't ever say that he might be better off without me again

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 11:41 PM

At least define a limit for yourself with the drinking, was it heavy drinking that caused you to lose control, or a small amount?
You may be able to drink, but don't get drunk, and try not to place yourself in a vulnerable position (ie in the comforting consoling arms of a friend while you are drunk while your boyfriend is in another room)

PinkyStar · Aug 5, 2007, 11:48 PM

I think the limit is a good idea, I had 5 drinks, but I'd just gotten off work, and didn't have time to eat a meal before I went out, so I just ate meal replacement bar on the way... I just made a bunch of stupid decisions last night, this is just a really sucky learning experience!

cal823 · Aug 5, 2007, 11:50 PM

All learning experiences are painful pink, that's just because pain is a teacher.
That's why people say school sucks, because getting taught is painful.
p.s. I'm 15 so I have no idea whether 5 drinks is heavy drinking or light drink lol so which is it lol?

thadevilsadvocate · Aug 5, 2007, 11:54 PM

Look, you are 21, and I have been in two relationships during the last five years in which both of the girls turned 21 during our relationship. Both of them left me because they wanted to go out and party all night and drink. I was torn and have had to deal with the pain, but that is what they wanted to do. Just like them, you are young, and trust me, throughout the next five years of your life, you will want to go out more and more... and since that is the case, you are better of being single during this time... as it is always said you shouldn't have to change for someone, especially when it is something that you don't want to change... I think that you will need to reconsider how much you drink, and in no way should alcohol be more important than someone you love, but you are still young and therefore you should think about whether he is FOR SURE the one for you.. as I said before...

Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

Perhaps, rather than leaving all of the thinking up to him.....you should take this time to let this marinate on your brain and figure out why this may have occurred. Something in your mind and/or body made you do this. Are you having issues with sex in your relationship? Are you unsure of whether or not you want to be settled down right now? Think about possible things that may be causind doubts in your mind........sure, you feel terrible about it now...hindsight is 20/20....but something triggered this and perhaps your state of mind from being drunk, made you act on those thoughts.