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Melinda88 · Sep 15, 2007, 08:38 AM

Well, I have a bit of a problem. I am 19 and have been going out with my boyfriend for ten months now we were friends for about a year before we got together. It is my first serious relationship and my boyfriend and I are really in love and totally faithful to one another at all times. A couple of months ago he went away with his friends and they went to a lap dancing club. He didn't get a lap dance and he was only there for a very short amount of time like under 30 minutes. This happened when we had been going out about 3 or 4 months and I know it might sound a bit crazy but it makes me really angry and upset whenever I think about it and I feel like him being there was wrong because he has me and shouldn't be in places like that for any length of time and I kind of feel betrayed . Generally Im really happy with him and he means everything to me but I can't help but wonder would I be justified in breaking up with him? Maybe I'm just being nuts!:confused:
Anyone else have this happen to them? Any advice would be great. Thanks!

Jiser · Sep 15, 2007, 11:52 AM

Lol I got dumped for going to a lapdancing club. We got backtogether. Have an honest talk with him but he might not feel it was that big of a thing. I wouldn't dump him.

Tell him calmly how you feel, he should respect your feelings and apoligise.

nkychic · Sep 15, 2007, 11:58 AM

I can understand how this can make a person second guess their relationship, but don't jump to quick. You said yourself that you all are very loyal to each other, before making any decisions remember that. I have actually gotten my boyfriend a lapdance from a stripper just to embarrass him. If he's going to the strip club every weekend, then there is a problem. However, if this is just him hanging out with friends there is a difference. I am guilty myself of taking a second look at a guy because he was very attractive. That doesn't make me wrong for doing it.

It sounds to me like he just went out to hang with friends. It didn't have anything to do with the chicks on poles or walking around wearing little or nothing to pass out drinks. If you trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him have his fun, as long as he knows you are entitled to the same. If it makes you feel better, get some girls together and go to a strip club. You'll see how feelings have nothing to do with it. I went to a strip club with my boyfriend a couple of times even. It's just their way of getting "away," having fun, enjoying themselves. I personally don't think that you should break up with him. It might not hurt, however, to let him know how it makes you feel. Let him be the one to put your mind at rest. Give him that option.

Good luck

<3 Leslie

s_cianci · Sep 15, 2007, 01:41 PM

So he didn't get a lap dance and was only there for a short time? And you were friends with him for a year before you got together and you didn't know he goes to lap dancing clubs? Frankly I really don't see where you have a problem (except for maybe a communication gap.) You'll have to decide for yourself whether you're going to end things over this or not (after 10 months) but my personal advice to you would be to try working on your communication skills first before taking such a drastic step.

Melinda88 · Sep 15, 2007, 02:10 PM

Yeah but you see he has never been to one before this incident and swears he would never go again

lonleyheart_ · Sep 15, 2007, 03:17 PM

What I would suggest is talking with him about it. The only way a relationship will work is if you communicate and you both are willing. Tell him how you feel, don't let that boil up in yourself it only causes anger torward him and then you go nowhere.

s_cianci · Sep 15, 2007, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by Melinda88

yeah but you see he has never been to one before this incident and swears he would never go again

Then you really don't have a problem that I see. Why would you consider breaking up with him over it? Are you sure there isn't some other issue at hand and the whole lap dance club thing isn't just a red herring?

lonleyheart_ · Sep 15, 2007, 07:15 PM

Well then you can either trust him or you don't. But first you have to build up that trust. Tell him you were angry about it, and you feel you need to talk to him about it. Make agreements to each other, that's a way to build it. My ex went to one before he left to basic traning with some buds, and never menchined it to me. I found out and sat him down and told him "it upset me when you went to a club and didnt even bring it up to me." well he didn't know how it effected me until then. Ever since we were thoughtful of eachothers feelings and thoughts and, he never had gone to one again. It helps to let those feeling go, because if you don't you build up resentment torwards each other and grudges then you have more to worry about then just talking to him. I hope I helped. And if you have anything else I can only give you past experience, and do my best to help.

cerulean · Sep 15, 2007, 07:35 PM

No, Ive not had this happen to me, but if I were your age, I can see how I would be pissed beyond belief. I would wonder why he had to lie about it or cover it up, and that would mean he knows its wrong and conveniently avoided talking about it.

What you need to know is, did he willingly go along for it, or did they drag him there? Why not go to a male strip club, or just tell him and see how he reacts, just to see how he reacts lol.

I would be upset about it, depending on how much I cared. It depends why he was there to begin with. Did he hide it from you? I probably would not dump someone like that, but you know the old saying, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. If he expects you to be cool with it, he should be cool with it if it happened to you, right?

cerulean · Sep 15, 2007, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by Jiser

Lol I got dumped for going to a lapdancing club. We got backtogether. Have an honest talk with him but he might not feel it was that big of a thing. I wouldn't dump him.

Tell him calmly how you feel, he should respect your feelings and apoligise.

That's hilarious when I try to imagine "calmly" telling someone you love and are attracted to.. how it "hurt you and made you mad".

LOLOLOL :rolleyes: Yeah right. Calmly. Lol

If you were that calm, he wouldn't even believe you were really that bothered about it. You would have to show some emotion.

talaniman · Sep 16, 2007, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by Melinda88

yeah but you see he has never been to one before this incident and swears he would never go again

So there is no problem, and in the grand scheme of things, a guy growing up will do things you might not be comfortable with, and talking and listening, is so much more effective than fighting over something he doesn't think is a big deal.

hollyemj · Jan 11, 2011, 06:21 AM

I have the same problem at the moment. However Ive been with my boyfriend for 8 years. It really hurt me last time he paid for a private dance and promised he'd never do it again. He's paid again on a stag night this weekend then lied about it. Now Ive found out I feel really hurt. Unfortunately I know exactly what happens when they have a private dance. Could you imajin if I said to him, Im going to take ALL my underwear off and grind myself up and down against another man until he's sexually aroused then Ill get him to give me some money. Think he would mind??