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Normalguy · Oct 24, 2010, 06:46 AM

She is having problems with her exhusband (going back to court) and me at the same time. She is not cheating at all and has a son under ten. The issue is with me and her son. I am not given any ability to discipline or say no to this little boy. When he blows up I get in trouble.I want to have a good relationship, goof around, be fun but he knows he can fly off the handle. I'm tired of it but I'm in love with the woman and her son. Now after our last spat about the behavior situation she wants to take a break and she says she is confused. I have not contacted her for 3 days but it's killing me not to talk with her and work it out. I don't get the impression that she wants to actual solve the problem, which I have proposed a way to work it out. I love her family and her son, but all her son needs to do is look at her and blame me and I get the look. We have had arguments about this over the last 9 months or so. I think it can be worked out but only if she compromises. The boy needs to be told in front of me that he needs to behave and listen, maybe a time out would help as well.I am willing to try but I'm not sure she is.
So she is confused and wants to take break.
Any thoughts.
I have not called or texted or emailed her for three days

talaniman · Oct 24, 2010, 07:26 AM

Continue doing what your doing and let her come to her own conclusions in her own time without your influence.

You have no control over her thoughts or actions and cannot make her compromise anything, or even to be willing to. So let her deal with her issues and you get to a better emotional place for yourself.

Yeah, it does suck, no doubt, but just wait until the emotional dust settles and she comes out of her fog, as she has to be overwhelmed, they both are, and she doesn't want your help, or suggestions.

Give her all the space she needs.

Normalguy · Oct 24, 2010, 07:46 AM

It is killing me to not communicate. I don't need her in my life any woman can suck and swallow.
But this one would do a good job helping me raise my kids, she is a good mother.
I would like to point out she has not asked for any of her stuff back, like her house key or garage door opener or
Other odds and ends, and neither have I from her.
It is killing me

I'm pretty sure she is tired of all the arguing this little boy and I do. This occurs when I tell him to stop or do something , she calls it
Nagging I call it getting him going like a father or future step dad should. I feel that she could end the problem by making him listen to me and he
Won't like that one bit at first. But she is not willing to make that first step which is my problem and if that is the case then she wants a passive
Silent man in her life and no relationship will work.

talaniman · Oct 24, 2010, 08:33 AM

Its hard I know, not to talk, but give it a few more days.

Normalguy · Oct 24, 2010, 09:44 AM

Ok we spoke on the phone, She said she is not sure if she loves me, and that is why she hasn't been saying it the last month
Or so. She said normally it comes back and goes and comes back but it has not come back and she is not sure about us!
She doesn't want to talk about her son and I really don't want to either. She wants a break, she is confused as to what she wants.
She agree to be faithful during that time and I really trust her, The words cheater are the exact opposite of this woman. So I will give her a break
This doesn't need to me a no contact break but I think it should be. She doesn't feel the spark, I think I am to easy to catch, she needs a challenge
So I think No contact would work out fine.
What other rules should I follow.

Where is that wildcat person I need his advice as well.

talaniman · Oct 24, 2010, 09:53 AM

See how you feel later, after you get use to doing your own thing and leaving her alone.

She doesn't sound like she is healthy enough, or ready for a healthy relationship. Sorry guy.

youradvisor1 · Oct 24, 2010, 12:16 PM

It sounds like you have different perspectives on how to raise a child. That's huge and not something that can easily be ignored or overlooked. I can tell you love her and her son immensely however she's lost and confused. Invest your energy and love into someone a bit more stable. I hope that isn't harsh but this rollercoaster of on, off, up and down is sooooo not healthy for either of you. Besides you sound like a genuine sweetheart and should be with someone that knows 100% how they feel about you. I can't speak for anyone but when I harbor feelings for someone and the relationship is doomed/not feasible I have to go into no contact mode. It's the only way to recover and move on.

Normalguy · Oct 24, 2010, 01:06 PM

I'm going to give her a break, as for contact or not, I have some people telling me to keep it to a few texts per week and minimal or she might slip away.
She agreed to be faithful during this time so I am not going to bug her. She said we are dating still but she needs a break because she doesn't know what she want. My heart hurts, All I want is a semi attractive or better who is going to love me(by love I mean she like to snuggle up to me at night) and is not going to flip flop on me like this. My exwife walked out a few years ago and only has the kids 40% and I have them 60% of the time, but when the kids are gone I feel terrible. I don't want a slave whore but a companion. Aaaarrgg.

talaniman · Oct 24, 2010, 01:36 PM

You need a life that makes you happy when the kids are gone. Expecting another to fill that void between their visits may not be a good idea.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule-When you stop looking for love, and do your thing, and enjoy ALL YOUR OPTIONS, AND OPPORTUNITIES, love will find you.

Talaniman Rule-Build a life that you enjoy without a mate and your happiness will attract people who will want to share in it with you.

She hasn't finished dealing with her ex is her confusion, and her sons.

metroidprime · Oct 25, 2010, 01:49 AM

Well first of all I would get the other guy out of the situation as much as possible then make sure that little kid know I didn't feel sorry for him for being involved with his mother then I would make sure that she was willing to repect me if we were going to stay together...

Normalguy · Oct 25, 2010, 04:51 AM

I truly don't feel another guy is in the picture she has agreed during this break that we are still dating and she will be faithful and expects the same from me.
Also you are right her son needs to respect me or this will never work, no matter how big or long the break is.
It just hurts, but I will a little every day just start moving on and if she comes back then great, if not darn. I am a pretty good looking guy so I have that going. She has not asked for any of her important stuff back like the house key or garage door opener.
Hmmm
O well it doesn't matter, time to let her have her space. If she needs space to launch the space shuttle she is going to get it. It's just hard. Especially when they are attractive. I think she is very aware that the guys she dated before me left after they found out about her son, so I don't see why anything would change.

answerme_tender · Oct 25, 2010, 08:27 AM

We have not heard what your children think her,nor how they treat her.

Normalguy · Oct 25, 2010, 08:46 AM

My kids love her and ask about both of them all the time and the do not treat her like her son treats me. I also discipline my children in front of her so they know and understand she is an adult and they can't tell her what to do.

answerme_tender · Oct 25, 2010, 09:21 AM

One more question, how long have you been in this relationship.

Normalguy · Oct 25, 2010, 11:37 AM

1 year and about 4 months

answerme_tender · Oct 25, 2010, 12:06 PM

You obviously have different types of discipline solutions when it comes to raising children. How someone chooses to correct their children is their choice and they usually don't like to have explain why to those choices.
You are not this child's father, nor or you his step-father so you have NO say as to how she should correct him. She is the parent.
If this child is still acting up after being around you for over a year, it could be several different reasons. 1 could be he is scared to have to share his mothers attentiion, especially after seeing his parents split up.
2. he could have a medical reason for his acting out, such as ADD,ADHD, etc
3. Scared to bond with you in case you and his mother slit up.
4. maybe he just plain doesn't like you and needs more time to get to know, before becomes comfortable.
5. maybe he is tired of you trying to discipline him.
Hopefully if she is willing to continue this relationship you will put the thoughts of discipline on back burner. Try building the relationship between the adults and make that strong before including any children. Good luck

Normalguy · Oct 25, 2010, 01:32 PM

I am willing to not discipline him but many of the issues are when he gets mad at me for simple things, I can't help him or ask him to do simple stuff without him getting upset. She has been divorced long enough to get past other men coming around. I have been around long enough for him not to worry about losing his mom, jealous yes. But we had a situation a while ago where I had both her son and my son do a small chore and my son did it and her son would not. And he got very upset and started crying and she came out and let him go inside and not do the chore which would have taken 10 seconds to do. Now he know that he can get out of stuff. I don't spank or put her kids in time out. But the boy now understands how the game is played and I'm tired of it. I have no problem backing off but when my son asks why her son doesn't need to do his fair share of picking up toys or putting things away then what do I do. It can't keep going on. I will compromise. This boy is the opposite of an ADHD kid. I guess I feel like I was tip toeing around him to be civil and I get tired of that. At some point the point needs to follow simple instructions, I should need to ask his mother to ask him to do something for every darn thing.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2010, 02:14 PM

You have a good perspective, and direction that you want to go in, but the sad part is she isn't buying into it, and until she gets this very nasty divorce through her system (and her child's system), I see no progress what's ever or a solution to the current conflicts.

Maybe you have a temporary agreement, but if you abide by it then your in limbo, until she resolves her issues, and no telling how long that will take, or be ready for what she wants. She is not in a healthy place to appreciate your efforts, nor I doubt she wants to, and you will never replace this kids dad, and no doubt his wounds are still very fresh.

It's a big red flag when someone has that much baggage to unpack. It could take YEARS.

answerme_tender · Oct 25, 2010, 02:22 PM

I would agree that her son is more then likely playing the control game. It is unfortunate that the Mother is giving in so easily to his tantrums, she isn't doing him any favors by not having him learn to pickup after himself.
This will always be a situation of conflict between you and her. So my question is, Are you willing to put up with this to be in a relationship with the mother? I guarantee she will never tolerate you stepping in as the disciplinarian of her son. She obviously been witness to you correcting your own children and does not approve.

Normalguy · Oct 25, 2010, 02:33 PM

Bingo and that is the problem. Your right I have no right to discipline him. I can just take be treated poorly, and Ive tried to talk with her about over the last 8 months or so, she doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I think the boy has never been told that he needs to do what he is told and stop acting like this. She doesn't want to have her son mad at her because she would feel horrible. I don't care if my kids get mad at me because they need to follow directions and rules. And this is the big difference. And it doesn't matter who she is dating , this behavior from him gets old.