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pfftt · Mar 2, 2011, 03:21 AM

Hi
I have a boyfriend now who before we started dating was so incredibly sweet to me. He'd say all these lovely things. We're going out now and he fiercely likes his privacy so he's said we not to tell anyone at college about our relationship. Before we started going out we'd talk all the time at college but now I hardly get to speak to him due to all the teasing from our mates who are harassing us and asking us what's going on.

The only time we have a proper "conversation" is when we get home and text each other and then he's always texting me about sex. He tells me what he wants me to do to him, but when I ask him what he wants to do to me, it involves things that will only get HIM off.

He's like a month younger than me and I'm his first girlfriend and he's my first boyfriend. He's never kissed a girl, or done anything sexual but everything he's learnt has come from porn.

I don't know what to do. I want a relationship that's better than this. I want him to know how to touch me too! It seems like he's being selfish or very uneducated.
What do I do? I'm pouring myself into this relationship and he's hardly making an effort

tickle · Mar 2, 2011, 03:46 AM

He sounds very immature, I don't wonder you are confused by his inability to relate to you. I would wonder why, after realizing more about him then you did, that you would want a relationship with him.

Tick

pfftt · Mar 2, 2011, 03:49 AM

Because it's really early days

There must be a way I can get him to realise :/

tickle · Mar 2, 2011, 05:15 AM

It wasn't meant to be constructive my dear, it was my opinion of an unsatisfactory relationship the way I see it from your description. My opinion still stands, why waste time trying to figure it all out. If you want him, let him go for a while until he appreciates you.

Tick

joypulv · Mar 2, 2011, 05:32 AM

No one 'gets anyone to realize' anything.
People are who they are.
You don't change them.
And you are now going to be largely ignored on this site for giving someone a negative on a matter of opinion. I am sticking my neck out just answering this and reiterating what tickle said.

pfftt · Mar 2, 2011, 08:19 AM

I'm going to be ignored on a help site?
But if someone can give an opinion, can't I show my opinion on that opinion? The question asked is it helpful and in my opinion, it wasn't :(
I didn't mean anything bad by the negative but it was also my opinion that it wasn't helpful @ tickle - sorry for the negative
I don't want to 'change' him as such
I just want to know how to communicate how I feel :/

southamerica · Mar 2, 2011, 08:36 AM

I understand that you misunderstood how to use the "helpful" and "non-helpful" function. A lot of people seem to do that here and I'm sure more of the experienced members are more used to that.

Anyway, you need to think about what your expectations and boundaries are in this relationship. Before you know exactly what you want-it will be hard to communicate any of that to him. You want to be touched sexually by someone who cares about your pleasure. You want to have someone to talk to about more than "just sex". You want someone who actually gives a damn about you. I'm sure there are more specific things that you want.

Were I you, I would sit down with him and have a straight forward conversation about your needs and expectations. Be receptive to his needs and expectations, and keep the radar on if he is refusing to give a little bit in the relationship.

If the way things are doesn't change, leave him and move on. It sounds like you are willing to give in a relationship and you deserve a guy who will give back. You deserve to feel good in your relationships.

redhed35 · Mar 2, 2011, 09:10 AM

I would add immature to your selfish and clueless.

If he was proud to be your boyfriend why try and hide it from his friends? A red flag right there!

Its going to take more then a conversation to 'train' this guy, he needs more experience in relationships, more time to understand that relationships and conversations are not just about him getting off.

You could stay and try, but from your post it looks like he has a lot of maturing to do before he is ready, you could as a parting gift to him give him a few pointers of how to treat a girlfriend, example, respect,trust,honesty, however he may not 'get' what your trying to say.

Only you can say whether he's worth putting any time or effort in,but if its early days,for me, the hassel would not be worth it.

He may be a nice guy, but he has a lot to learn yet.

joypulv · Mar 2, 2011, 10:03 AM

You show your opinion of opinions by using Answer (not comment, because comment is limited).
'There must be a way I can get him to realize' is an attempt to change him.
'Communicating how you feel' is worlds apart.
You are expecting that communicating how you feel is followed by him changing his ways, and it rarely if ever works that way. People don't really change. He probably hears what you are saying.
As for secrecy on campus, who knows... is he from another country or culture or religion? Some students, male and female, even in this day and age, are expected to remain celibate until marriage, and an arranged marriage at that. Maybe he isn't sure about his gender preference. Maybe he is shy and or wants to move slowly. Again, how would strangers online know if you don't? Rather than bugging him more about what you want, see if you can find out what he feels in the background. Gently. And don't be blunt as in 'are you gay' or anything like that.

pfftt · Mar 2, 2011, 10:08 AM

Thank Thank You for understanding and thank you for your comment
I read how to use the helpful/non helpful thing

Yes I am a bit suspicious about the secrecy but for now it seems quite appropriate. The people in my year get so excited when people get into relationships and they push and push and there are expectations that might put even more strain on this awkward relationship.
Thank you for your advice

Okay, thanks for the heads up about the Answer/thumbs up function

As for the secrecy, hmmm He is sort of from a different culture. He is very middle class and conservative. The most middle class out of everyone in our year. I would not say he looks down on people but he is a very awkward person and doesn't 'fit in'. I think I might do as you suggest and see if I can find out what he feels in the background.
Thank You

Cat1864 · Mar 2, 2011, 10:54 AM

I agree with all of the advice you have been given so far (it seems I have a lot of reputation to spread :)).

I know my take on this is going to be very different and not one you want to hear, but, please, keep an open mind.

The only thing I will add is that I think he may not want a relationship as much as he wants you to think there is a relationship. I am getting a bit of a different impression of his 'stipulations' than just being an immature, selfish and clueless male. Would you fool around or talk about sexual acts with someone you are not involved with? I have a feeling that you are being used as a fantasy instead of a girlfriend.

How long have you known him and how long have you been 'dating'? Do you actually go out or meet up anywhere other than school?

I think you need to stop the sexting and start talking on the phone and in person. Start treating him in public like you did before you started 'dating'. Doesn't mean you have to announce that you are an official couple, but it would be less suspicious than a change of behavior is.

As much as I hope things work out for you and he figures out how to be boyfriend of the year, be careful that things aren't very different than you think they are.

tickle · Mar 2, 2011, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

No one 'gets anyone to realize' anything.
I am sticking my neck out just answering this and reiterating what tickle said.

No, you do quite well, you are not 'sticking your neck out' here. Everyone has their own opinions, and you have yours.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2011, 06:24 PM

Why would you even put up with the sex talk and not put the young fool in his place, and show him how you want to be treated. For all his stupidity, and disrespect, you have allowed it.

If he can't touch your mind, then he damn sure hasn't earned the privilege of your body. And if neither of you is adult enough for an honest open relationship, then don't be in one.

Sorry but think about this, as all the problems you would have in public only pales at the ones you have in secret.If this sexting buddy relationship is fine with you then good, but it doesn't sound like the kind of good clean adult fun that leads any where later, or will have good memories to cherish forever.

pfftt · Mar 11, 2011, 01:52 PM

I've known 'of' him for roughly 4 years and we got to know each other as friends about 2 years ago. We've only been dating about a fortnight now.
We don't really meet up outside of school.. yet...
I took your advice about treating him in public as we did before going out
And I'm going to try calling instead of texting
Thank you so much for your advice

jmjoseph · Mar 11, 2011, 02:00 PM

So, you're good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to be acknowledged as being someone special in his life. No thanks.

Is he ashamed of being seen with you? I wonder what his motives are.

And as far as the selfish lover bit, we all should "give and take" in the sex department. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Trade that monkey for a man.

Good luck to you.

Cat1864 · Mar 11, 2011, 02:45 PM

pfftt, good luck. I hope he turns out to be a good boyfriend.

However, don't hold on to a relationship that isn't giving you what you need especially after trying to discuss it with him.

You deserve to be treated as more than his sexting 'fantasy'.

Good luck and take care of yourself.