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    Zoskia23's Avatar
    Zoskia23 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 14, 2009, 08:24 PM
    My relationship is in shambles.Can't do anything right.whats happening?
    I'll start from the beginning, My FiancÚ and I have been together for over three years now. WE lived together in Georgia while going to school. We broke up after a year and a half because of pressure from our families, money and a whole other series of maladies. We had just start talking again in July and had rebuilt our relationship through long distance and visits (she had moved to Houston Tx). A month ago, I made the decision to move out here with her.
    Its been regularly hell, with little bits of paradise all the way through. The biggest strain is that we have very different schedules I work in the day as an A.b.a. therapist and she at night for FOX. I do my best to be quiet during the day but she is a very light sleeper... She either flies into rages at me or shuts down completely when she wakes. It seems that I can't do anything right in her eyes... I forget to put the toilet seat down once and it D-Day. Everyday, though she tells me otherwise, it seems like she doesn't want me here. I really do try everything I can but it seems like every time I do something it only makes things worse and I get accused of doing nothing at all (which pisses me off because I torture myself). The latest dilemma is that I've made a few aquaintances at work and had a spent a few nights here and there throughout the past week or two hanging out with them. First she flips out on me completely, accusing me of cheating with a female friend in this group (who happens to be 8 months pregnant). Next she says I'm not spending anytime with her and I'm just doing what I want to do. This confuses because daily she acts like she doesn't want me around at all.

    Is she trying to control me... Am I screwing this up... Should I stay or should I go? I love her with all my heart and I don't know what to do? :(
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
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    #2

    Jun 14, 2009, 08:55 PM

    Have you talked with her about your feelings? If not, sit down and lay it out there for her. She's obviously dealing with some issues when it comes to jealousy and rage and you have to decide if you can handle it much longer as this is what married life will be like with her. Communication is necessary for a relationship to work. She should be able to talk to you about why she's angry or doesn't trust you.

    You've already made a great sacrifice by relocating to be with her but if she doesn't want you there, you both need to let go because you both deserve to be happy.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #3

    Jun 15, 2009, 12:38 AM
    It sounds as if it's going quietly pear shaped to me.

    I suspect like nikosmom that she has issues with control and anger. The relationship is troubled, and she takes it out on you.

    Time for a long talk. Can you make some time to be together out of the house? Ask her what's going on and talk about how you might spend some quality time together.

    If she gets angry and defensive, take note because this could be a pattern for her. She might be just scared and tired, but if she tries to make everything your fault, I'd be very wary.

    You don't want to be thinking about marrying a control freak - you can always move back home.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    Jun 15, 2009, 12:49 AM
    I agree.

    You have to speak up, and explain that you are confused with her behaviour, and why. If that is not something that is likely to happen, then what's the point.

    New relationships take time to overcome all the things you've said. You have to expect an adjustment period, and there is no guarantee that how you both envisioned things to be, would turn out.

    Staying away is not a good way to fix things either.

    Try to get a period together where you can both just sit down and talk turkey, without getting angry at each other, or you backing off.

    Get it all out in the open, the good and the bad, and make a decision to either stay, or go.
    makapuu's Avatar
    makapuu Posts: 304, Reputation: 63
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    #5

    Jun 15, 2009, 01:10 AM

    It seems a bit strange that you were able to live with her in Georgia, but you can't live with her now. It's one thing to be tired and grumpy, but to be verbally abusive and accusing is just disrespectful. No amount of sleep will cure that.
    If you really love her and want to save your relationship, maybe you should not live together for a while.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #6

    Jun 15, 2009, 07:04 AM

    Talk to her, explain your feelings and communicate with her. If you can't reach a common ground, then it may be time to call it quits
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #7

    Jun 15, 2009, 07:25 AM

    I don't really even believe a conversation about these issues is necessary. This relationship and her behaviors are unlikely to change for any significant period and neither of you sound happy in this relationship.

    Personally, while you don't have to leave Texas, I would definitely look at finding my own place. Maybe she has found you moving out for her to be too exclusive, but whatever her reasoning, treating a partner as she is treating you is not acceptable. Pack it up and let her deal with her own demons.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #8

    Jun 15, 2009, 07:56 AM
    Had to spread the rep Justwantfair.

    I agree that maybe that is a good solution. Time and space, apart.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Jun 15, 2009, 08:43 AM
    WE lived together in Georgia while going to school. We broke up after a year and a half because of pressure from our families, money and a whole other series of maladies. We had just start talking again in July and had rebuilt our relationship through long distance and visits (she had moved to Houston Tx). A month ago, I made the decision to move out here with her.
    Neither of you is paying attention to the big red flag waving in front of you. You have already been down this road, and couldn't find a way to work together to resolve your issues so you both are happy. Instead you let the ordinary pressure of life divide you. That's exactly what is happening again, as you have tried to do it over without dealing with what broke you up in the place. Lack of communications, and not willing to work together.

    Either that changes, or the results will be the same. That starts with building honest communications and the ability to listen, and understand what each of you expects.

    You don't work very well together, in my opinion, in dealing with life as a couple that lives together.

    Maybe living apart will bring you closer, or change how you deal with each other, and maybe not, but I highly recommend you find out as you both seem to need space from each other.

    You won't be the first couple that can't live together, and you can't force it either. For sure, you didn't recognize, and deal with the problems you had before, and are repeating the same problems again.

    Its so easy to enjoy yourselves as a couple when things are great, but what defines healthy couples is the way they work together when things aren't so great.

    Could be you jumped in to fast, and are repeating a bad pattern.
    Zoskia23's Avatar
    Zoskia23 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jul 1, 2009, 08:02 PM

    So, I ended up moving. Twice she asked me to leave and twice I packed my bags... She begged me to stay and that I was abandoning her... Which confuses me because she wakes me up at 630 to tell me she wants me gone...

    I still understand her dilemma. She told me that she couldn't give me the attention I needed. Im just lost... One minute leave and the next you're the love of my life...

    I still regret leaving... simultaneously I feel that I made the right decision. I couldn't handle it anymore.
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #11

    Jul 1, 2009, 08:09 PM
    It doesn't sound like she ever really knew what she wanted.

    You don't need to be involved in the up and downs, the back and forth. Hopefully time will show that this was the right (yet difficult) solution.

    Good luck to you and keep us posted.
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
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    #12

    Jul 1, 2009, 08:21 PM
    It sounds like you made the right decision. The right thing isn't always necessarily the easy thing to do but in the long run you will be better off.
    TheOreeoShow's Avatar
    TheOreeoShow Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Jul 1, 2009, 08:41 PM

    TEll her how you feel ! If she freaks out when you do its her problem not your's. But be sincere. :D
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #14

    Jul 1, 2009, 08:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by TheOreeoShow View Post
    TEll her how you feel ! if she freaks out when you do its her problem not your's. but be sincere. :D
    Please read the entire thread before responding, your response is not appropriate to the updated situation.
    Zoskia23's Avatar
    Zoskia23 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 11, 2010, 11:02 AM
    Help! Rollercoaster Relationship!
    My Ex and I have been back and forth with each other for 4 years. We've always struggled quite a bit with our relationship, but we both love each other very deeply (both stubborn, stupid , and sensitive). At first, we both were cut off from our parents because it was an interracial relationship (Deep South). We moved in together and due to our struggle to survive, our year long love affair started to crumble. Finally, We moved on.
    A year later, We suddenly started talking on the internet again, but she had moved to Houston. After half a year, I made the move to Texas to be with her. It sounds like another excuse, but we both worked at two completely different times of the day. This put an immense strain on our relationship. One weekend on father's day, We went to her fathers and spent the day, and as we were leaving, I said, "We should visit your father more often." She flew into a rage and told me how inconsiderate I was. She woke me up early that morning, and told me she wanted me out of her house. I went to pack, and hours later she begged me to stay. She told me that her father was dying, she took her bitterness out on me and that she loved me, but didn't love herself. I couldn't deal with uncertainty. I drove back to Vidalia, Georgia, 15 hours.
    After a couple of months, She started calling me and couldn't help but talk to her, because I still loved her so much. We began a long distance relationship, having a few magical visits to houston. This lasted up until New years of this year. She began to act as she had before, and I left, fearing being hurt again. I refused to talk to her for a week or two, trying to cut myself off from her completely, and when did talk, it was a battle.
    We both have deep issues with abandonment and were both abused as children. I think this is coming out in our relationship.
    We just did start talking again, and I made a point to let her know that I loved her, and that if we were to get back together again, we would need to see a therapist. She told me that she needed time and that she was extremely hurt, but that she loved me and wanted to make it work someday. She also told me that she had a fling, and that she was deeply disgusted by it and went into detail about how it was never serious and the guy was an imbecile.
    I'm working hard to prove myself to her (finishing university, working to regain trust, and working on myself) She's doing the same and has said a lot to our future, but her behavior is making me nervous. On two occasions, she has turned her mobile off at a time when she knew and we agreed to call each other. For example, I woke up at 3 am this morning to call her after she got off her work shift... and she never answered once, straight to voicemail. I could understand if she was tired, but she could have at least answered and told me so. I'm extremely confused and not sure what to do with these mix signals. I'm willing to do anything and willing to stand the storm, if she is. What do I do?
    Thanks for putting up with my rant, and thanks ahead of time for the advice.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #16

    Mar 11, 2010, 11:31 AM

    I think you should both go for therapy-separately.

    As things stand now,you are neither working on a common goal,nor a happy relationship.

    There is no real communication,no proper commitment.

    Break up,make up and then breaking up again-there's no way you are going to make this work as things stand now.

    I suggest you work on yourself,for yourself and let this be.
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #17

    Mar 11, 2010, 11:46 AM

    I agree with amicon. You are both extremely toxic to each other right now.

    It sounds like you both have some issues that definitely need to be addressed. I really suggest some therapy on your own, separately. You need to work on fixing yourselves first and foremost, before you can even begin to think about fixing the relationship. Because without helping yourselves first, the relationship doesn't stand a chance.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Mar 11, 2010, 01:18 PM
    Obviously you must love running head first into a brick wall, but how many times can you do that before you figure out that a big azz headache is ALWAYS the end result?




    Dude, your problem is once you get away from her, you screw it up, by talking to her again, and trying again. Only to have the same thing happen all over again. You stop the cycle by leaving her alone, ignoring all contact, and disappearing from her life forever.

    Your posts were merged so we could all see (especially YOU) that this is more the same insanity as the last few years have been.

    Obviously you must love running head first into a brick wall, but how many times can you do that before you figure out that a big azz headache is ALWAYS the result?
    Zoskia23's Avatar
    Zoskia23 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Mar 11, 2010, 01:38 PM

    I'm honestly sorry for bringing this to you guys again. I've just lost a lot of joy out of life. For short moments in time, she makes me happy and like I used to be. Then, I come right back down on to the top of my head. I think about my father and mother, and what he did to her. I can't help but think I'm my mother. I've tried being with other people, but I only end up hurting them because I just don't feel anything. I'll have sex with someone or go on a date, and I'm absolutely empty.
    What's an imbecile to do?
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #20

    Mar 11, 2010, 01:55 PM
    Stop beating yourself up and get some therapy for yourself.

    Whatever happened in your past needs sorting out. You do that for yourself, not for somebody else.

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