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    onlymyself's Avatar
    onlymyself Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Apr 16, 2017, 01:31 PM
    Relationship issues with friends and hanging out/clubbing
    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and for the first year and a half he still saw his friend pretty often like one or two times a week and I did not complain until I found out that he was telling one of his female friends that she was his first choice and until he started ignoring our plans and arriving two hours late as he was with his friends and his excuse is that there was a LOT of traffic. We had a big fight over this and he stopped seeing them and we were pretty fine. When my friends did a reunion (which was like once a year) he told me that he doesn't like me going out and him staying at home and that if I go (we were going to dinner) he would go out with his friends and his friends only go clubbing and strip clubs so I cancelled each plan. He used to also get pissed off when he sees a conversation about me and my friends planning something and he used to take my mobile to check whether I was the one coming up with these events so I finally stopped every contact with all my friends and we were fine. After around a year he started going out with his work friends around once a month and I have no problem with him going out to dinner, bike rides, etc but he started telling me that they were going to dinner and then later I find out from Facebook that he was actually clubbing till 4am in the morning and I got really angry as I did a lot for him from my end and he ignored me and went out clubbing when he knew that I stopped hanging out with my friends as he did not like it. This caused a lot of fighting and on one Sunday he ignored me and went out with his friends to a bar and lied to me that he was at his friends house only for me to find out in the morning that he was out clubbing. He now wants to keep going out with his friends at work and with his other group of friends (they always go out drinking) every week while I stay at home as I have no friends left. I also told his mother that he is lying to me about where he goes and she took his side and told me that he loves me but that I should leave him free to go out where he wants and he will eventually come back. I was really pissed off and feeling totally devastated as I did everything for him only to get this. Am I overreacting? As sometimes I feel that I should leave but other times I think that I may be crazy.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 16, 2017, 02:16 PM
    This may not be what you want to hear, but his behavior is not what I would put up with.

    He lies to you. Repeatedly. Why are you still there?

    His hanging out with friends, clubbing and going to strip clubs take a backseat to his lies. It isn't the clubbing and strip clubs I find objectionable. It is the lying and loss of trust. It doesn't sound like he wants you to trust him. He wants his party, let him have it.

    Go out with your friends. Have fun. If you are living together, get your own place or kick him out (depends on who is on the lease or moved in with whom.) Get some space and perspective. Stop trying to hold on to him. He isn't trying to hold on to you, is he?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,881, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #3

    Apr 16, 2017, 02:16 PM
    Can't you guys sit and talk and work this out? That's what committed long term relationships are all about, resolving issues to the benefit of you both. Do you both work? I think it's really unfair he has a social life, and you don't, and going through someone else's phone is inexcusable. Why do you allow yourself to be so isolated and friendless, while he is having a great time without you?

    Kids? How old are you both?
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Apr 16, 2017, 02:30 PM
    I agree with Cat. From what you have said, it looks like things are moving apart. After 4 years, things should be good to go, it sounds like someone is getting tired of being tied down and committed.
    onlymyself's Avatar
    onlymyself Posts: 50, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Apr 16, 2017, 10:20 PM
    Yes we both work and I am 23 and he is 25 no kids. I would go out with my friends if I had any left but I always cancelled on them due to him complaining... I will have to make new friends which isn't quite easy :/
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Apr 17, 2017, 02:15 AM
    Giving each other ultimatums on how you should spend your free time is not healthy. Spending 24/7 with your partner is not a healthy choice either. You both need an outlet and keeping your own friends would be a good choice for both of you. That doesn't mean you can behave badly when you are with them. Too many couples give up their friends because of someone and once that relationships sours, you are left with nothing. Not a good choice. He should have his friends and behave. Likewise you should have your friends and behave. That goes with activities too.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,881, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #7

    Apr 17, 2017, 04:10 AM
    You better sit him down and have that talk, as obviously he crosses many boundaries of good behavior. 4 years is long enough to truly know someone and if he isn't as committed to your happiness as you are to his, then I fail to see this going anywhere except building resentments, and unhappiness, rather than a good life together.

    This has been going down hill for a while now, and ignoring it solves nothing, and at least NOW you are recognizing it, and can do something about it. If talking and working together cannot resolve your issues, then again, what's the point?

    At least there are no kids involved, so no excuse for there not to be some changes, so TELL HIM (NOT his mom) what you want CHANGED, and work to change YOURSELF, and what you allow. That's only fair right?

    It's important too, to own your part of this mess. That alone may guide you to a better life path. Whose home are you living at?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #8

    Apr 17, 2017, 04:14 AM
    So you gave up your friends thinking he'd stop clubbing, and he didn't.
    That's a huge mistake on your part.
    GET YOUR FRIENDS BACK!!

    I sort of gave up some friends 30 years ago because my boyfriend was jealous of one of them, an old boyfriend. But I didn't really lose them.

    Separate lives are vital to a long lasting relationship. Yes, of course there are limits. Those you discuss and agree on. Love is a lot of work.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #9

    Apr 17, 2017, 07:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by onlymyself View Post
    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and for the first year and a half he still saw his friend pretty often like one or two times a week and I did not complain until I found out that he was telling one of his female friends that she was his first choice and until he started ignoring our plans and arriving two hours late as he was with his friends and his excuse is that there was a LOT of traffic. We had a big fight over this and he stopped seeing them and we were pretty fine. When my friends did a reunion (which was like once a year) he told me that he doesn't like me going out and him staying at home and that if I go (we were going to dinner) he would go out with his friends and his friends only go clubbing and strip clubs so I cancelled each plan. He used to also get pissed off when he sees a conversation about me and my friends planning something and he used to take my mobile to check whether I was the one coming up with these events so I finally stopped every contact with all my friends and we were fine. After around a year he started going out with his work friends around once a month and I have no problem with him going out to dinner, bike rides, etc but he started telling me that they were going to dinner and then later I find out from Facebook that he was actually clubbing till 4am in the morning and I got really angry as I did a lot for him from my end and he ignored me and went out clubbing when he knew that I stopped hanging out with my friends as he did not like it. This caused a lot of fighting and on one Sunday he ignored me and went out with his friends to a bar and lied to me that he was at his friends house only for me to find out in the morning that he was out clubbing. He now wants to keep going out with his friends at work and with his other group of friends (they always go out drinking) every week while I stay at home as I have no friends left. I also told his mother that he is lying to me about where he goes and she took his side and told me that he loves me but that I should leave him free to go out where he wants and he will eventually come back. I was really pissed off and feeling totally devastated as I did everything for him only to get this. Am I overreacting? As sometimes I feel that I should leave but other times I think that I may be crazy.
    1). You BELIEVE he's dishonest and disrespectful of your relationship.
    2). He checks YOUR phone, looking for dshonestly on your part.
    3). Demands to go out if you go out. (Clubbing/strip joints). To places you're not comfortable with.
    4). You're isolating yourself.
    5). He's lying to you about going clubbing.

    Those are the red flags that you've told us about. Which usually means that there are a BUNCH more that you haven't told us about.

    I don't think this is healthy. I believe that neither of you will change permanently. I think you'll change, but then fall back into old habits. As he has already done. I think you might successfully compromise at this point, but I doubt any resolution will last.

    It is up to you in the end, but I would considering ending the relationship. The big point is that he's snooping on your phone, which means he does NOT trust you. Without trust, there can be no solid equal relationship. Imagine that your sister/friend told you the same story, what would you do? Divest yourself from your emotions and decide what is best for you.

    I think you're both falling out of love. Most relationships, even intense romantic ones, have a best before date and we like to hold on to them well past that date.

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