About seven months ago I became involved with a woman whose husband had abandoned her. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. He had run up credit card debt in the tens of thousands. The first time he left she begged and bargained for him to return and he eventually did. Less than a year after that, he took all his stuff and left again. He refused to answer any calls and ignored and abandoned her completely. He had also emotionally abused her in many other ways too numerous to go into here. (However, interestingly, he did much the same thing with his previous wife; multiple infidelities and he left her three times.)

I had met her about seven months after he left her, and with her children's encouragement she started dating other men (me).

Initially, I just listened and provided a sympathetic ear for all her problems. I told her that I would try to help make the pain go away. Slowly we became closer and closer, until one day she told me she was in love with me and that indeed I had made her pain go away. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. I met and became involved with her grown children and her parents. She became involved with my children and I introduced her to my friends and family.

She filed for divorce about three months ago and all the paperwork has been submitted. In this state, the divorce becomes final six months after the day she filed.

After he was served papers, I overheard a telephone conversation when he called her and I shocked to hear unbelievable verbal abuse coming from him. He screamed profanities at her and made treats against her. Turns out she asked to split the value of a piece of property in the divorce which he felt was his alone. I watched as she just listened to this abuse. Afterwards I told her that his behavior was awful. She stated that "he's just mad", no big deal. I was a little leery that she was so prepared to rationalize for him. In the end she capitulated and she told him that he could keep his property.

So our lives became closer and closer and we finally became engaged to be married. She swore everlasting love to me, she would forever be faithful, and she swore that we would always be together. She swore that she could never put anyone through the pain she has suffered. We were together every evening (we both have our own houses)and made several fun and bonding trips together. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together.

About six weeks ago her ex-husband found out about our relationship. (You can probably tell where this is going) He started to phone her constantly. At first she told him not to call. But he persisted in a obsessive way. He would call fifteen or twenty times a night. I told her not to return the calls, not to talk to him, and that whatever she does, do not meet him.

Slowly she started to give in to his insistence. He would keep her on the phone and drag out the conversation. He promised her that he would do anything, including go to church (which he had always refused to do before), go to counseling (which he had always refused to do) if she would just take him back. Then he kicked it up a notch, and confessed all the things he did to her including the adulteries. He said that he was the worst husband there ever was and he doesn't blame her for leaving. But now, he has reformed. He has learned a painful lesson and he will never do anything wrong again if she will just take him back. He calls her and cries and sobs on the phone. He plays the "I'm still your husband" card. Then last week she agreed to see him. More tears and begging.

This affected her greatly. She told me she feels so guilty. She says she feels such pressure and that she wanted to be alone.

After a day of agony, we spoke and agreed that the day apart did nothing for either of us. At her parents encouragement (all of her family and friends despise her ex-husband) we went away for three days and left her cell phone behind. It was the most peaceful and loving experience. We recommitted our vows to each other and I really thought we were going to get through this.

But when we got back she listened to her messages and there he was crying and sobbing begging to take her back. I told her that this was pure manipulation and control. It is not her that he wants. He doesn't want her to be with me. And by the way, every friend and member of her family tell her the same thing. She seemed to agree and things seem to improve.
Last night we had a wonderful evening together. But when she got home he was waiting for her in her driveway. More theatrics and tears. I thought this was getting to a critical point so I dashed over to her house. I pleaded with her to stop this insanity. She had to be firm and tell her ex-husband the truth about us and to let him go. She said that she would take care of it.

The next day I woke up to none of my usual email messages from her. Or phone calls. So I tried to email her and phone her. Nothing. Nothing all morning.

Around noon I received an email that stated this:

" I would like to share a few thoughts I've had recently. I know there are no guarantees when it comes to love. Real love requires risk, putting one's feelings out there in the most vulnerable state. Without that risk, we will never share true love with anyone. The thought of risking another chance with Steve scares me to death, but in reality, the risk would be no less with anyone. What if he really has changed this time? What if God has changed his heart and sent him back to me? I would have to give him another chance. No one knows what the future holds for us. The best we can do is put our faith in God and pray that he will lead us down the right path. That path does not always lead to what we think is our best interest, but it does lead to God's will. I believe in this with all my heart."

She eventually phoned and said that she wanted to have some time alone to sort things out. So I did not contact her. She called me two days later and told me again how much she loved me and missed me. Three days ago we went together for a counseling session with a licensed psychiatrist. He asked me to stay behind after the joint session and told me in no uncertain terms that she had serious and significant emotional issues. He stated that she really needed treatment and that it would probably require a long term commitment. He recommended several different agencies and types of providers, and he also said that I had better seriously reconsider the relationship. After a day I told her that I could no longer sustain a relationship like this. I said that if she could not choose then I would would help her. I said goodbye. Within a week her ex-husband had moved back in with her. What gives?:confused:

It sounds like she still might have some feelings for her husband.

Not necessarily romantic ones, but feelings she needs to sort out before she is ready to get into another serious relationship again. Or maybe there are some romantic feelings still lingering…

Give her some time to sort things out. But keep in mind, you might simply be a rebound relationship for her.

My guess is that she has been abused for so long that she has linked up love as abuse in her head. You came along and built up her confidence just enough that she could give her ex yet another chance. I know this is kind of hard to hear but I guess it might be better to find out now instead of after you married her. I don't know how old she is but like your doctor said, if she is doesn't get help now she will suffer over the course of her lifetime. Well, it's really sad for her, and I know you love her, I think it's best for you in the long run to get out now while you still have a chance to mend your broken heart and offer it to someone else.

Abused women become dependent, and she had not been on her own long enough to grow strong on her own. He knows every button to push to get his way and she will give in to this, In TN a bunch of good ole boys would go have a talk with him, but in cilvialized society you have to let her have her space,

This is just like physcialy abused women who will call the police get him arrested, then the next day or two take the grocrey money or rent money and bail him out

Abuse doesn't have to be physical to be bad and in some ways psychological is worse because there isn't anything to point to. Domestic violence victims are hostages and some strange but necessary stuff takes place when you acclimate to ongoing threat in order to survive. If you recall Stockholm Syndrome was coined after kidnap victims worked against the police to protect their abductor in a bank holdup gone wrong many years ago.

Domestic abuse is like Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) all rolled into one. She is a very sick person and I am not surprised about what the psychiatrist reported to you. And truthfully, in many ways she is not really available for a relationship like you thought she was. But sadly she is like an addict too -- she'll only get help if she initiates it. After years of the abuse, she may be entrenched too deep to make it out. This is something that is very pervasive and hard to understand unless you experience it firsthand. I can believe it when I read that most domestic violence victims don't seek help. When you read in the paper of a female homicide, there are some good odds that was the end of a long domestic violence path.

I had a brush with it as a teen and it was enough to almost pull me under. As it was, I was messed up for quite a few years and did an enormous amount of work with the professionals to "make it out" of the incredible vicious circle. It is an amazingly fine line between victim and perpetrator in some ways. I believe that you did all that you could do to help her. Maybe you've planted some seeds that will bloom in time. I hope that your heart finds a way to forgive her.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I would advise you to be very careful for personal safety, if you have further contact. Its possible for these situations to become dangerous at a moment's notice from people who "don't look capable". If she calls you again and you feel obligated in any manner, I would suggest you make it clear you will see her safely to a domestic violence shelter and into psychiatric care. I would not advise getting in the middle again, under any circumstances. In some ways you are fortunate it only cost what it did.

I am sorry to be telling you what seems like only bad news, but I hope this answers some of the obvious and understandable bewilderment you must be having and if you have any more questions, please feel free to ask.

As unpleasant as it must be to realize, the psychiatrist hit it right on the head and you did the exact right thing. A disappointing experience I know but as long as her emotional issues persist you'd have no chance at happiness with her. Let her equally crazy ex-husband deal with her ; sounds like they deserve each other.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I would advise you to be very careful for personal safety, if you have further contact. Its possible for these situations to become dangerous at a moment's notice from people who "don't look capable". If she calls you again and you feel obligated in any manner, I would suggest you make it clear you will see her safely to a domestic violence shelter and into psychiatric care. I would not advise getting in the middle again, under any circumstances. In some ways you are fortunate it only cost what it did.

Tried to rate you Val but got the "spread it around jazz." I think there's actually something wrong with that because I haven't rated you for a while. I did want to point out that this is very prudent advice and something that she should take to heart, just as you said, for his own protection. This is something for all men who may befriend a female victim of domestic violence to take heed of.

Get as far away from these nuts as you can and don't look back .Never call and don't take any calls. No matter how hard we try we cannot save people from themselves and this could get nasty and you don't want any part of the insanity. Run and consider yourself very lucky.

Run, run far away. I know from experience... let her and hubby live happily ever after... what she doesn't realize is, once hubby get all comfortable again... the abuse will start all over - no question. I 'helped' and 'healed' an abused woman... and then she went back to the jerk - didn't know any better.

"You came along and built up her confidence just enough that she could give her ex yet another chance. " - YES! Exactly.

Just move on - save yourself a lot of heart ache - find a nice single women with NO BAGGAGE!

Hmmmm, not sure those exist anymore, so maybe a more self supporting woman with better baggage (that she wants to handle, not you)? :D

While its nice to be needed and even thrilling in a way to be desperately needed, its far far better to be wanted and I speak this out of my own personal truth LOL :p I once caught a fellow gearing up to play "white knight" with me (without my even asking!) and I had to tell him that I really wanted a different kind of hero than that in my life. I was just pulling out of the codependent stage in my life and just barely knew better than to take him up on his offer. It took him a long time to understand apparently. He casually drifted out of my life -- only to surface something like five years later where he looked me up to tell me he finally understood what I was talking about! And here I thought I was talking in plain english! LOL

It sounds as though she has been in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long, that that is where her comfort zone is. In an abusive relationship the feelings are so intense whether they are high or low. When the feelings are normal and there is no chaos in her life. She feels as though something is missing. She feels she is saving her X. He will do it again and she will call you. You are so much better off that she is out of your life. It would take a long time, if ever, for her to be on the same page as you are. There are some nice women out there that are not packing around a backback full of unresolved issues, find one and have a nice life.

Thanks everyone. An update. After two weeks, we got in contact again. I asked her if she was happy and was this what she wanted. She said no and wanted us to try again. I told her I would under the condition that she, and we go to consistent and effective counseling. I also insisted that she, and we attend support group meetings. And I said that she would have to stop all contact with her ex-husband. She agreed to all the conditions. I told that I considered a deal a deal and we shook hands.

The next day we went for a counseling session, and after I told the story she started waffling about the deal we had. She actually lied to the counselor and said that we hadn't made the deal. After that I told her that she is really messed up. I haven't seen her since but have exchanged a few emails. I really need to move on.

Many of us learn the hard way. The main thing is that we learned. I suggest NO CONTACT whatsoever... Sound familiar??

Dude- QUIT ALL E-mails now. Move on.

You SAW her true colors in the counseling sessions... leave the nut job alone to be with abuse, lying husband.

She deserves that guy and NOT YOU!!

K_3 gave ALL your answers - that's it - I've dated women that have been in an abussive relationships and they just can't deal with a 'good guy'. Just can't.

"It sounds as tho she has been in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long, that that is where her comfort zone is." - this is your answer.

Move on and find a healthy relationship.

Those are true words right there. If she has been abused for so long that she doesn't know any other way she's not going to accept it or worse yet know what to do with it when a guy is genuinely interested in her. Save yourself for someone who will appreciate you.

I am so sorry Cazadorleon. It is a hard lesson about how abuse is, I know. I am relieved to hear you sounding "done". If you ever get tempted to look back, don't. You only had two choices in this: being caught up in it yourself or being done-- despite how it may have looked for a time. Know that.

I know! I Know! I am being stupid! It just seems so obvious that he is manipulating her I feel like shaking her and screaming "Wake Up"! Even though its over between us, for her own sake. I've never encountered anything like this before and just can't believe it. But I am moving on. The pain and disbelief are fading. 21 pounds lighter too! Thanks for all the kind words.

I received a letter from a woman who said she was stuck in the same abusive situation. Her case was actually a little different. She was 29 years old, no job (he won't let her), two kids and nowhere to go. It broke my heart to read her story. I advised her to devise an escape plan. Begin to prepare the plan. Believe always in her plan, no matter how long it takes. And when she has everything prepared, execute her plan and never, never look back.

In my case the woman I was involved with is in little different situation. Which is why it baffled me so much. She is 47 years old. She is financially independent. There were no children involved. She had been living on her own for 7 months before we met. We had been together for 6 months before he found out and decided he wanted her back. I just couldn't believe that she would even consider the proposal. But she did. Furthermore, she genuinely doesn't see the manipulation or just denies it.

She said;
" I know you think it is sick but I really do love you still to this day. I think about you all the time. I don't just love someone and then stop that's what makes this all so painful no matter which way I turn. How do you stop doing it. Someone is going to get hurt. Everyone. You hurt, I hurt, he hurts even though he's the one who has caused all of this."

So you can see from her last sentence what I have been up against. Now he has started phoning me and hanging up the phone. I'm not sure if he is harassing me or just checking when her line is busy to see if she is talking with me. Either way I won't tolerate any more of that.

And so I have to just let go. It has been a very painful and destructive process. I learned that the pain of heartache is the same as hunger pain. So when you live with it all day, and all night you become numb to it. I went 48 hours with no sleep and nothing to eat. I'm now down 21 pounds. But once I get through the pain I look forward to re-building my life again.

I have never cheated or been unfaithful in my life. How does one justify in their own mind and soul such betrayal? I used to wonder about that when I would see if from the outside. But now being on the inside it is really shocking to me.

Oh well. Thanks again everybody for your great responses. Really comforting for me when I needed it.