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tami1891 · May 11, 2010, 08:19 AM

My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot. He tells me we have chemistry and he has no illiusion about finding someone else like me. However, he compares our relationship to a rollercoaster that has left him drained. He asked for space, a break then suggested maybe we should see other people. Of course he asked for a break in a text message, and he used the term "for now". "I just need space for now, and maybe we should see other people because I don't expect you to wait around." Some history: He has commitment issues. I have caught him in lies. His children cover for him about other women. And I throw huge fits because we both say disrespecful things. We are both parents, and I have shown more interest in geeting to know his children than he has mine. His family doesn't aknowledge me even when we are in the same room. I say hello, and they ignore me. We don't spend holidays together. And of course he has an excuse for all of this. I know I love him, and I want things to get better. I love his children as well. What do I do? ALso we are both almost 30 yrs. When we are good together, everything is amazing. And it is true I have never found myself having this much chemistry with another person. But when we are mad... it is insane. Lastly, I have trust issues because of the lies and excuses he makes. Any advice would help. I am getting super depressed and even being a mommy under this stress is becoming difficult.

I wish · May 11, 2010, 08:24 AM

When he says "for now" it means that he just wants to keep you up as a backup plan. He wants to go experiment with other people, if things don't pan out with others, then he can come crying back to you. Do you really want to be his safety net?

You can twist his words around and think about the past as much as you want, but actions speak louder than words. Seems pretty clear that he's given up working on the relationship and is ready to pursue someone else.

Homegirl 50 · May 11, 2010, 10:20 AM

You two may have chemistry but your relationship is one sided. Your boy friend wants to play the field and know you will be there as back up. This is not relationship!

He may be attracted to you but he has no respect for you, he would not have asked for a break via text.
Would you advise one of your friends to be in a relationship like this? I would hope not.
This is no longer a relationship. He broke it off. Bid him good riddance and move on.

Romefalls19 · May 11, 2010, 10:37 AM

Don't sit around and wait for him, the relationship simply did not work. Chemistry is only half the battle, it takes a lot more than that.

Cat1864 · May 11, 2010, 11:10 AM

I think it is time to think of the children involved in this. They don't deserve to be put on the roller coaster with the adults.

I think you need to leave that relationship and work on rebuilding your relationship with yourself and your children without the drama that he and his family brought into your lives. Let yourself heal and someday when you are ready you will find someone who wants to build a life with you and yours.

tami1891 · May 11, 2010, 01:18 PM

Thank you for the advice. But now I am even more confussed. I agreed with his break, I told him to move on and I will not be here if someone else doesn't work out. He replys: Tam you know how much I care for you, love you, and how funny and beautiful you are to me. I know there is no one better. I don't want a fresh start with other people just you. No couple should go through this much drama. I just need space and a fresh start.

I wish · May 11, 2010, 01:24 PM

Again, actions speak louder than words.

If he wanted to make the relationship work, he wouldn't ask for a break, he would keep trying to work things out.

Bottom line, he's given up on trying to repair the relationship, regardless of all his words.

Cat1864 · May 11, 2010, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by tami1891

I just need space and a fresh start.

I think this probably sums up all of the advice we can give you. I hope you do get the space and the fresh start without him.

Devorameira · May 11, 2010, 01:49 PM

If your boyfriend wants to "take a break," then that's his right. But to tell you he wants to date other people is "a crock."

A lot of times when men want a break they actually want a break-up, but are too cowardly to come out and actually say it.

Also when a guy suddenly wants the freedom to date it usually means that he already has someone in mind he wants to see or is already seeing her.

Stay away from him and use this separation to your advantage. He just opened up a world of opportunity for you. Take this time to come back to yourself; spend time with friends you love, get back into activities you enjoy, take up a fun new hobby; expand your social circle and make new fun, friends; and of course, date, date and oh yes, DATE!

This can be a great time for you if you just look at the situation you've been dealt with optimistic eyes.

Homegirl 50 · May 11, 2010, 02:09 PM

I love you, but there is just too much drama with us. Let's end this and start fresh, with other people. That is what I think he is saying.

If that is not what he's saying, I'd still give him his break and fresh start, with someone else

talaniman · May 11, 2010, 03:13 PM

He has made himself very clear, it ain't working for him. That's when you leave him alone, and move on and don't allow him back in your life. That's getting off the roller coaster, and staying off. There are some fun rides out there, that have less drama to them.

tami1891 · May 11, 2010, 04:01 PM

Thank you so much. I think I have been secretly wanting this anyway. I just had so much invested that I was waiting for things to turn around. I Have so many good qualities in my life... my children.. home... career. He was just bringing me down. And I was depressed all the time. I am now going to start the No Contact policy...

Homegirl 50 · May 11, 2010, 04:11 PM

Good for you.
If you hit a rough spot and need some support, we are here.

BlackVY · May 11, 2010, 04:31 PM

I have a question, and I hope this doesn't cause too many problems here, but when he said he wants a fresh start, did he mean that he wants to start fresh with you, or with someone else?

Its just that personally I've been in a relationship where we fought a lot, and we decided to start again, like from scratch and build up the relationship again. Could he be meaning that?

If he wants to start with someone else, then that's his choice, but people who say the grass is greener on the other side just aren't watering their own grass enough...

Cat1864 · May 11, 2010, 04:44 PM

tami1891, good luck. I think you are making the best decision for everyone involved.

If you need the support and help, we are here and the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board can give you a lot great advice.

tami1891 · May 11, 2010, 04:47 PM

He said he wanted a fresh start, and it didn't mean he wanted a fresh start with someone else. That he thinks I'm beautiful, funny,a and he loves me... blah blah. But I think he is lying. And I really want this break anyway.

BlackVY · May 11, 2010, 04:56 PM

The I agree, you have to do what you want, and what's best for you.

It didn't seem like a healthy relationship with his kids and yourself, and fights aren't ever a good thing in a relationship. If you couldn't trust him, there isn't much in the relationship is there?

Take some time out, relax, enjoy yourself, just be yourself. If the right guy comes along, don't let this relationship stop you from having other.. but all in good time.

All the best, and like mentioned earlier, if you need help or support or just sometime to talk to, anytime, there are people always here, willing to listen and help

Devorameira · May 11, 2010, 05:06 PM

Good luck. It was really obvious from your post that there were other things about the relationship that you weren't happy with.

He's just not the right guy for you. Now it's time for to concentrate on you and your happiness! :)

tami1891 · May 11, 2010, 05:09 PM

Thank you. The support was amazing. I really don't know what I could have done with out it.

tami1891 · May 14, 2010, 08:33 AM

The to be continued is yesterday we did the whole I don't like you text thing. Then I saw him at the gym. Another man approached me and of course my ex walks right by us. He stares at me the entire work out. I miss him now. But I am just so mad! But what if... I mean maybe. How would I keep the door open to a possibility of maybe in the future.