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    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 28, 2012, 10:33 PM
    Is it really over?
    My boyfriend and I have been fighting and breaking up a lot of times for the past months. We are in a long distance relationship and in addition, he is in the military training. Before he entered the military, we always fight for the reason that I always accuse him of meeting other girl even if I don't have any proof or when he reply to my messages late. Another reason why we fight is when I complain for his late replies and start to flood him with messages. My boyfriend usually break up with me when we fight for the reason that he thinks I don't stop until he says the words "we're done". But after some episodes of begging him to stay, he stays and give me chances. This already happened several times.

    Nowadays, we can only communicate once a week since he is in the military. 3 weeks ago, we fought because he got a vacation from his training so he went outside, but when he started replying late, I started accusing him that maybe he is dating a girl, when he got fed up, again he said we are done and he couldn't take anymore the stupid things I keep on saying. I begged for him to stay but he didn't answer anymore. That time I thought it is for real. After 3 days he got a chance to use a phone, so he sent me a message. I asked him to give me a chance so he did but according to him he is sure it will happen again. After that, for 3 weeks we didn't fight anymore but I notice something strange about him, although he still says I love you before I say it, I think he is a bit dry. He used to call me "My Love" but this time he doesn't cal me like that anymore. When I ask him if something is wrong he just answer nothing and I am just thinking too much (which I also consider because I worry about what I have done).

    After 3 weeks he got a vacation again, and when we got a chance for a video call I saw his face looking so stressful. He doesn't smile, and when I ask him to smile he said "I don't smile well, sorry, but I don't mean anything" and he added "I've been living like this lately and even you don't like it, it's already me" (he is talking about the stressful training in military). Because of that I asked him again if we are really fine, he got a bit annoyed and said "I told you it's not about you" but I still asked. Finally he got fed up and hang the call.

    That night until the other day I didn't receive any message from him and though I kept asking him to reply he didn't give me any. Later I kept on flooding him with messages asking him to tell me what is the meaning of his silence (thinking it might mean break up) until finally he got fed up again and replied "we are done. I was planning to be okay but because of what you are doing I can't be okay anymore. Goodbye and take care". I asked him to stay but he didn't reply anymore. The next day I asked him if it's really over and if won't he come back anymore but he answered "we are done, I won't go back to you. I already gave you chances" and even I tried to beg him he didn't reply anymore after that.

    Do you think it's really final and over?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    May 28, 2012, 11:37 PM
    I sure hope it is because you are so needy and insecure, if its not over, he will break up again for sure. Why do you have to pester the guy with this clingy crap? Long distance clingy crap at that?

    Can you not change?
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    May 29, 2012, 01:50 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I sure hope it is because you are so needy and insecure, if its not over, he will break up again for sure. Why do you have to pester the guy with this clingy crap? Long distance clingy crap at that?

    Can you not change?

    I know I have problem and I am willing to change.. but do I still have chance? Or you think he is really gone?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    May 29, 2012, 06:20 AM
    When are you going to change? When you know its over? Or if he comes back? If he did come back, why would this time be any different than any other time?

    I don't know if he will be back, or if you have a chance at him coming back. I seriously doubt he would be in a hurry for the same old thing to happen again. Especially if you are blowing up his phone with texts and messages like before.

    Work on your change and see what happens with the rest. Leave him alone and let him decide for himself what he wants to do.

    How many chances do you think you will get? You seem to have squandered many already.
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    May 29, 2012, 06:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    When are you going to change? When you know its over? Or if he comes back? If he did come back, why would this time be any different than any other time?

    I don't know if he will be back, or if you have a chance at him coming back. I seriously doubt he would be in a hurry for the same old thing to happen again. Especially if you are blowing up his phone with texts and messages like before.

    Work on your change and see what happens with the rest. Leave him alone and let him decide for himself what he wants to do.

    How many chances do you think you will get? You seem to have squandered many already.
    I guess you are right. I blew a lot of chances already. I already stop texting him from the day he said it's over. I just hope I'll get a chance to talk to him again and also change and prove it to him.. I hope it's never too late..
    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #6

    May 29, 2012, 08:51 AM
    if he did give you a chance, I'd think there was something wrong with him!

    All he wants to do is make something of himself, have a loving, supporting and trusting partner back home, and you were making that extremely hard for him to balance both.

    I think you should break all contact, work on yourself and work on your trust issues, then maybe re-establish contact once he has finished his training. That will give you both space, and if he still doesn't want to know, or has met someone else who understands his commitment to his job, then at least you tried and you can move on and maybe find a partner who doesn't work away for his job to make sure you feel more secure.

    Good luck =)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #7

    May 29, 2012, 08:59 AM
    Before you worry about getting him back or talking to him again, I suggest you work on your confidence and self-esteem. Because even if you somehow got back together, things will only blow up again.
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 29, 2012, 09:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenh1990 View Post
    if he did give you a chance, i'd think there was something wrong with him!

    All he wants to do is make something of himself, have a loving, supporting and trusting partner back home, and you were making that extremely hard for him to balance both.

    i think you should break all contact, work on yourself and work on your trust issues, then maybe re-establish contact once he has finished his training. that will give you both space, and if he still doesn't want to know, or has met someone else who understands his commitment to his job, then at least you tried and you can move on and maybe find a partner who doesn't work away for his job to make sure you feel more secure.

    Good luck =)
    But Im not having issues about his job I totally understand his commitment and the last time we foufht was no longer about accusing him of being with a girl or a late reply.. I just thought he has some problems and I wanted to know what is it so I ended up asking him.. But it is a fact that he easily gets mad at me ALWAYS when I ask questions.. and when I ask him why he doesn't reply if he need space or it means break up he ignores everything and later finally said "its over".. I don't know if its just same issue as before or its really over...

    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    Before you worry about getting him back or talking to him again, I suggest you work on your confidence and self-esteem. Because even if you somehow got back together, things will only blow up again.
    Yes certainly. And that is my problem.. about working on my being "needy"... hmm help
    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #9

    May 29, 2012, 09:21 AM
    Guys mean what they say when they need space... they really do just need space! While us girls want to sit and talk, guys want time to chill out, think it over, and maybe go out with the lads. That is probably what is bothering him, if it's not about trusting him, it's about nagging him about what's up. Either way, nagging him won't do any good.

    If he says he is not feeling too good for whatever reason, and he doesn't say anything more, let him talk to you, assure him you are there for him, but don't keep pestering him, he will (and is, by the sound of it) resent you for it
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 29, 2012, 09:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenh1990 View Post
    guys mean what they say when they need space... they really do just need space! while us girls want to sit and talk, guys want time to chill out, think it over, and maybe go out with the lads. that is probably what is bothering him, if it's not about trusting him, it's about nagging him about what's up. either way, nagging him won't do any good.

    if he says he is not feeling too good for whatever reason, and he doesn't say anything more, let him talk to you, assure him you are there for him, but don't keep pestering him, he will (and is, by the sound of it) resent you for it
    Yes you are right. Hmm we have been together for 3years and it's just so hard to let go.. what do you think is the best thing I should do? Just let go and move on,for good?
    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #11

    May 29, 2012, 09:30 AM
    I get it, you obviously care for him, but I think you should sit down by yourself, and think about what you need to do to help yourself. Maybe after some counselling, try writing him a letter. That way he gets your opinion fully before deciding if he wants to talk, and you can let him know how you feel, and how you've grown, while thinking about it carefully before sending it, without getting upset about talking to him. Then just hope for the best and the next time he is back home, he may want to talk, at least to see how you are
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 29, 2012, 09:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenh1990 View Post
    I get it, you obviously care for him, but i think you should sit down by yourself, and think about what you need to do to help yourself. maybe after some counselling, try writing him a letter. that way he gets your opinion fully before deciding if he wants to talk, and you can let him know how you feel, and how you've grown, while thinking about it carefully before sending it, without getting upset about talking to him. then just hope for the best and the next time he is back home, he may want to talk, at least to see how you are
    You are right. Maybe for now that's the only thing I can do. Since he only get a chance to use phone on Sundays, I have to wait for longer time. Therefore I have to think over while waiting..
    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #13

    May 29, 2012, 10:12 AM
    Glad to help, honey =)

    remember, only you can fix you
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    May 29, 2012, 07:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by laurenh1990 View Post
    Glad to help, honey =)

    remember, only you can fix you
    Thanks! :)
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 27, 2012, 10:36 PM
    Fell out of love? What's the right thing to do?
    We broke up a month ago but the closure was just 2 weeks ago.

    The story goes like this, the latter part of our relationship we always fight because I had been clingy and nagged him whenever I receive late replies or doubt him of meeting a girl during his vacations. We had a lot of "break ups and make ups". He had given me a lot of chances but again and again I failed until the last 3 weeks of our relationship we were fine but he was kind of dry so I kept on asking him if we are okay but in the end he got annoyed and broke up with me.

    After a week he talked to me again and since I asked him for a chance to win him back, for 3 weeks we were communicating normally, no fights, no pressures BUT not as a couple. After 3 weeks I asked him regarding our status but he refused to talk about it, and then a week later he opened it up and finally he told me "I still care about you, I still worry for you, just like before, but I'm not sure if it's still love". So I got the message, I think he have fallen out of love for me maybe because of the repeated fights.

    I asked him if he wants me to let him go and he answered "YES, JUST FOR NOW, LATER WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, BUT NOT NOW" so it ended up. But he said he still want to keep our communication even we are not couple anymore, I asked him why but he said "why should we stop?" I explained but he didn't reply anymore. After 4 days he texted me again "I didn't wanna reply about that, anyway, how are you?" I didn't reply and after a week he texted me again, and we talked just so casual, he thanked me for accepting his decision and understanding him and then we just talked about our works and some casual stuffs.

    He had phone for 3 days but he just contact me 1 day, so I let him. 3 days later he texted me again "how are u?" I guess he was given chance to use phone, I din't reply. I don't know if I should still keep in touch with him or not. I still love him and of course I still hope to have him back. I'm trapped by his words "just for now" I don't know if he is still considering about making it up with me in time.

    Do you think it's really over? Should I cut our communication at all? Or should I stay beside him and support him and maybe later we can still be together? What is the right thing to do? All of my friends are saying I should cut our communication so he can have space and realize if he still want me back or not, but I worry that if I'll do that then everything will end there. Please help.

    By the way, I asked him twice if he met new girl but he answered "no, it's just about you and me". Also he is in military service, he can only use phone on weekends and for 4 months now he just had 2 one day vacations.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #16

    Jun 27, 2012, 11:07 PM
    I think you need to leave him alone and work on yourself without him. I mean a guy with one time a week to use the phone needs happy, cheery people to use that one phone call on, not some one who worries his head or thinks he is cheating or messing around. So until you can be that's positive person, and in control of yourself, you should leave him alone.

    Don't you have friends and a fun life after work?
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jun 27, 2012, 11:17 PM
    So I don't know if I should still answer his messages. He still sends me messages whenever he has phone, until now. I'm thinking if should I reply and be a friend to him, which my friends think it's a no no because he might think I'm OK with that set up of not being "us" but still always available, or should I just ignore him. Honestly, I still love him and want him back but I now I know I'll be fine even if it's really over. For now, I just need an opinion if I should answer his messages or not. By the way, after we broke up last May 28, which was a fight, we didn't fight anymore about those stuffs. I'm just confused about his 'just for now' and his texts...
    annieloe's Avatar
    annieloe Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jun 27, 2012, 11:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I think you need to leave him alone and work on yourself without him. I mean a guy with one time a week to use the phone needs happy, cheery people to use that one phone call on, not some one who worries his head or thinks he is cheating or messing around. So until you can be thats positive person, and in control of yourself, you should leave him alone.

    Don't you have friends and a fun life after work?
    So I don't know if I should still answer his messages. He still sends me messages whenever he has phone, until now. I'm thinking if should I reply and be a friend to him, which my friends think it's a no no because he might think I'm OK with that set up of not being "us" but still always available, or should I just ignore him. Honestly, I still love him and want him back but I now I know I'll be fine even if it's really over. For now, I just need an opinion if I should answer his messages or not. By the way, after we broke up last May 28, which was a fight, we didn't fight anymore about those stuffs. I'm just confused about his 'just for now' and his texts...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #19

    Jun 27, 2012, 11:58 PM
    Try life without him, and see what happens.
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    kkjoyyce Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jun 28, 2012, 12:14 AM
    Hi! I guess we have the same situation. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We also argue.. But what I can suggest you is to talk to your boyfriend, open up things to him.. tell him about how you feel. Maybe the reason why sometimes he's pissed is because he's tired from his training. Show him you care. Don't argue with him. Let him feel that you're still there for him. Give it a time. If you still feel like he doesn't care anymore then maybe its time to let go. Or talk to him, ask him if he wants space or anything. Then try not to communicate with him. Maybe that time he'll realize what he really want. If you love him, hold on to that. But if he doesn't seem to care anymore, let go.. give yourself a time to think also. Make yourself busy. With my situation, I opened everything with my boyfriend, and now.. were even better and stronger. Because it takes two people for a relationship to work. Don't stress yourself too much! Always think positive! Kind regards :)

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