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    Quincy's Avatar
    Quincy Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jun 24, 2006, 08:40 PM
    Post-Breakup
    I've never used a chatline like this before and I really hope it's useful to understand why this all happened to me. My boyfriend just recently broke up with me. We had a wonderful two years together in university. He was amazing. He was my best friend in first year university. When we got back from school we dated. I have no regrets from our dating. It was the best two years of my life. I am so in love with him! He feels that at this moment in his life he isn't ready for something serious. He has said that he loves me still but needs this time away from me to think about what he wants to do with his life. Thus, he feels that there are too many pressures on my end and cannot be with me at this time. He still wants me as a friend and to be in his life somehow.

    He has talked about how it could be possible to have a future together. However this isn't for sure, and doesn't know when it could happen.

    I have been pushing the issue of commitment for quite some time now because I feel that I cannot be with someone for so long without having established what we are. I love him so much. I am not sure what to do because I still want to be with him. I have tried talking to him but he says he cannot do this at this time. He doesn't want "to hurt me"- so he says. I just don't understand how two people that love each other have to be apart? Should I just let go off completely? Should I even attempt to be his friend again.

    I just can't even picture us being apart. It's tearing me to pieces.

    Thanks!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,297, Reputation: 10854
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    #2

    Jun 24, 2006, 09:04 PM
    You want one thing and he's not ready, so back off and let the guy think a little. You just can't make some one ready for what you want no matter how much you love them so I suggest you give him all kinds of space, and take the time to work on yourself and what you want from life. Seeing other people and having a socially good time should be fulfilling and rewarding as far as making friends and having fun. Let him come to you, and you go on with your life. Good Luck
    Ps
    It takes an emotionally strong person to be friends with someone you want more from so I strongly recommend you not be friends at this time ,maybe down the road but not now!:cool: :)
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
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    #3

    Jun 24, 2006, 11:54 PM
    Hi talaniman!
    It would have been enough to be able to give you my credit, but I couldn't. So I have to post this saying that you've said all I would have
    :)
    m.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #4

    Jun 25, 2006, 06:35 AM
    I agree with Talaniman and only would add this:

    Although it looks here like love comes in degrees Quincy, I don't believe it does. For me, if I love someone I love them wholeheartedly for life. There are, however, mitigating circumstances in it that you might not be factoring in. With that said, there are a number of people whom I love but don't spend much time with, for a variety of reasons. Relationship and commitment are far more complicated pictures and processes than love is. And at the risk of sounding like I am putting you down (which I am definitely not) it takes maturity to see this. Whilst you are apart from him, spend your time developing your understanding of these things instead of going crazy for him. It wouldn't hurt to do a little research on mature love versus immature love (since you are used to studying!) or talk about this with an older trusted friend. You will Definitely need this understanding whether he works out or you meet someone else, trust me. I hope this helps and thanks for posting
    Quincy's Avatar
    Quincy Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Jun 25, 2006, 07:05 AM
    Thank you for your replies. I agree with all of your postings. I agree with what everyone has been telling me but at this time it is so difficult to put everything into practice- it is so difficult to know that someone loves you and you love in return and that he or she is not ready for you. Tell me if I am wrong but he gave all kinds of mixed messages- I've met his entire extended family at a recent wedding. I've been to his house on numerous occassions- his parents love me. I've been given all these mixed messages and the break-up was a surprise and a mistake.
    Thanks.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #6

    Jun 25, 2006, 07:13 AM
    Lots going on here.

    See - you made this guy TOO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE. TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE. You can never do that - you need other things in life to make yourself whole. That's a lot of pressure on someone who has the feeling that they have to make you world - people don't want that - they want to feel free.

    As I ALWAYS say - "PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE" - HE HAS you and it 's no fun.

    See you need to be busy with other things in your life. Don't always be ready alavailable. You don't always have to pick up his calls. You need to be busy with other things.

    You pushed him away by being too available. Too needy - too clingy.

    " have been pushing the issue of commitment for quite some time now " - UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! That's horrible - you can never pressure someone into a relataionship/commiment - if you want that. It NEVER works that way. It sounds like you already had that - AND BECAUSE OF YOUR GREAT INSECURITIES YOU need something official - life doesn't work this way.

    Sounds like you constantly put pressure on this guy to establish something that you already had.

    PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! LEAVE HIM ONLY FOR A WHILE. MAKE HIM MISS YOU. NO CALLS. NO TEXT. NO E-MAIL. FOR 3 MONTHS DO NOT TRY ANY COMMUNICATION. DO NOT RETURN HIS CALLS OR E-MAILS. NONE!!

    Work on yourself. Hang with your friends. Date. Work hard at school. Work hard at work. Hobbies. Get new hobbies. Hang with your family more. Religion.

    I am not sure he loves you as much as you think. You have pushed him away. He is trying to be nice and not hurt you.

    SEE - this is called SMOTHERING - give the guy his space for 3 months!!
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #7

    Jun 25, 2006, 07:25 AM
    I agree with what Wildcat posts and my intuition says there may be mixed messages and there may be misinterpreted messages - both probably. I can't emphasize this enough... if you can't see YOUR part in this, you are destined to repeat it. Guaranteed. Focus off him, focus on you to find the explanation for what happened. There is clearly a mismatch, you have the "evidence" of that - start there. Don't be looking to "justify" what you did and "blame" him - that is not looking. If anything, he may have acquired a sense that you do this - skip taking responsibility for your part and put it on him too easily and that backed him off, isn't that possible? It would back me off too! Look as objectively as you can and then you will learn the lesson needed from this. And your life will be better for it, I promise.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #8

    Jun 25, 2006, 07:38 AM
    Hi,
    I agree with your answers, some are very good.
    Breaking up is very, very hard to do. At 22 yrs old, while in a University, my high school sweetheart of 6 yrs, going to a different college, wrote me and said she "was in love". Funny, but I thought we were in love! It takes time to heal, and move on.
    Life is wonderful, except for moments like this. Your boyfriend may or may not be ready to move on. It's your decision as to stay "friends", or not.
    As another said, give him about 3 or 4 months, but at the same time, start meeting some new men. Smile, and they will smile with you. Talking with others is the best way to help yourself.
    I was also divorced after my first 7 yrs of marriage. Then, remarried now for 29 yrs. Even getting married isn't a guarantee that it will last "forever".
    For now, Don't call him, Don't email him, Don't contact him at all. Wait for his next move. If he really wants you in a serious way, he will tell you. But, don't sit around waiting for him. I do wish you the best, and good luck.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #9

    Jun 25, 2006, 08:31 AM
    Sometimes it takes a separation for a period for reflection and remembering all the qualities one has - what we cherish and miss in a person. This cannot be accomplished when the individual is constantly there. There is also the urge to 'compare' one with others. When not given this chance at an early stage, then when totally committed, we sometimes have a tendency to believe we 'missed out' on something - ergo, that little glimmer of doubt. This can also happen to you at some period, and will most likely confuse the heck out of you - but you're human and you can have new hopes and dreams each day in your life.

    Instead of wanting to hang on to something that's not by any means a 'sure thing' yet, try to think of this as a trial period for both of you to meet new people, explore the rest of the world, new ideas, and just plain new experiences. I don't mean that you should be intimate with others, just get a broader perspective of what life has to offer you both and that way you will be more certain of exactly what you want in life.

    You might be a little miserable right now, but better now than after investing more time and emotions, and then being told it was all a waste. Once you both have time to 'ponder' and experience other things in life, you and he might just appreciate your friendship/partnership even more.

    He knows how you feel about him now and might think if he fails 'outside' of your relationship that he has someone to fall back on - which really would not be fair to you. However, you need to give him space or you might drive him away for good. Try not to think of him as the center of your universe - YOU should be that center - and who knows, you might even enjoy the time off yourself. Don't despair, give yourself a chance to become independent - therefore stronger if/when he does come back - or for that matter in any future relationship.

    Good luck dear, hope everything works out. Please keep us posted.

    Again, he can't miss you if you're always there...
    Quincy's Avatar
    Quincy Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Jun 25, 2006, 09:46 AM
    Thank you for your replies! They have honestly been so helpful to me. I've definitely learned from past relationships that I can't give too much of myself like one of you has suggested already. I have taken in what all of you have said and thank you again for your replies.
    tirednhurt86's Avatar
    tirednhurt86 Posts: 56, Reputation: 16
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    #11

    Jun 25, 2006, 10:40 AM
    Heyy

    When I was reading your post I swear I thought I wrote it lol because it is so similar to the situation I am going through. I feel that reading posts in which other people went through a similar breakup helped me to heal, so here goes- my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago. I was ready to settle down, pushing the issue of a future together, wanted to get married ( not now but to at least talk about it with him). He was almost 5 years older and he kept telling me that he wanted to marry me one day- he was my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, he was my first everything as well. I'm 19 he's 24. But anyhow, he wasn't at a place in his life where he was happy- he wanted to see what he wanted and felt that I was holding him back- we love each other very much- the last 2 years, we sent EVERY single day together, we shared a car, and his family, I considered my own. Then one day he said we need to talk and ended it. I could not let go! I cried, begged, pleaded- 2 years together and he was going to just walk away? But he did- he never looked back either. I mean I did try to get back with him, he told me hed try a "break" and then 2 weeks later he ended it again. He cried over me ( people told me) but he felt that he did the right thing. This is such a difficult situation. I feel the pain every day. I still cry every night. I ended up letting go ( I still am). Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and I cry. But I know I have to let him go- it was his choice and I cannot make him be with me. I recommend reading "its called a breakup because its broken" by Greg Behrendt,Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt- it helped me. No one can make this any better- it will sting, it will hurt and feel surreal and then it will feel real, painfully so. Its OK to cry- and make sure you surround yourself with friends, family and especially get one friend to be there at all times- to let you cry no matter what time call them instead of him... and here's the tough part- it is best not to contact him- that means not being friends- at least not now- many people just can't do it- I couldn't. It hurt too much to look at the man I loved for 2 years and for him to just look back without that love in his eyes. Anyhow, this is getting long so ill leave you with this... let yourself cry, email me if you want to on here, and hang in there- I know you don't want to hear this because I know I didn't, but you will get through it- I'm still trying 2 months later- and it still hurts. You need to slowly let go- it will not be easy. But really you don't have the choice any longer and it sucks... I know. Just writing this is making me feel the pain again. The first 2 weeks are the worst- and no it doesn't get much better 2 months later- but you will each day get stronger I know I am . Goodluck and I will offer you to email me anytime you need to!
    31pumpkin's Avatar
    31pumpkin Posts: 379, Reputation: 50
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    #12

    Jun 25, 2006, 07:58 PM
    Wow, that last post was something!

    I just wanted to say to Quincy that I think you should find a new boyfriend.

    All this don't see you or call you for 3 months. What does this guy only get romantic on a quarterly basis? Too much work I think. Find someone more compatible emotionally for you. If you want someone who wants to get serious after a year or so & he wants to make you happy... take that one... you'll have a happier life!
    ;)
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #13

    Jun 25, 2006, 08:37 PM
    Chery - great answer - can't rep yet.

    Quincy - you have all outstanding answers!! Just great.

    Going forward you have to give less - LESS IS MORE!!
    Quincy's Avatar
    Quincy Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jun 25, 2006, 08:38 PM
    Tirednhurt86 thank you so much for your message. It honestly feels like I am not alone in this world and that someone out there truly understands what I am going through. You know today I saw him for the last time until I go back to university. I was surprised that I wasn't in tears and begging him to come back. I honestly feel like I have too much respect and love for him to make him choose otherwise. Besides I know he won't choose otherwise. I think the only thing that puzzles me about this situation is that he won't follow his heart! He has repeatedly said he loves me but cannot do this because he needs this time for himself- which I am willing to give him. I made it clear to him that I cannot wait for him and that perhaps we will be together one day. Wow I sometimes think I can't believe I am doing this! But like you this is out my hands. There is nothing left but to accept the reality.

    I hope that everything goes well for you. I really wish you the best! I remember my first love and serious relationship and I was definitely not as devastated as I am now- it only goes to show you that it gets progressingly easier and that these situations serve to make you stronger in life. I went out with this boyfriend for 3.5 years!! And believe me I was devastated. It was the hardest lesson I had to learn. I cried myself to sleep on endless nights, and begged him to stay. But finally I undestood that it could never be and so many things had been said that I could not possibly go back to being the same.

    The only thing I really get out of this recent relationship is my best friend. I know he will be there. And I hope your ex is there too! That is one thing I really regret about my last boyfriend. I wish I had salvaged our friendship. I won't be making that mistake again.

    Please take care! I know I will now!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #15

    Jun 25, 2006, 08:44 PM
    WOW!! This thread is so important. This happens to every one.

    THERE IS SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM THIS!!

    We all go throug hsimilar stuff like this. Lots to to learn,
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #16

    Jun 25, 2006, 08:45 PM
    And believe me, we never stop learning. I have been married to my husband for 10 years as of June 21, and we continue to learn more of each other every day!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #17

    Jun 26, 2006, 08:26 AM
    "I think the only thing that puzzles me about this situation is that he won't follow his heart!" - OHHHHHHHHHHHH, believe me - he followed his heart. You pushed him away. He headed for the exists because you put too much pressure on him. Too much pressure. See - love is a two way street - you may feel one way... bt he may be under pressure from you, school, life, familyu, friends etc... he can ditch you and eliviate some of the pressure.

    " I made it clear to him that I cannot wait for him and that perhaps we will be together one day. " - more pressure... it doesn't work that way.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #18

    Jun 26, 2006, 08:38 AM
    It doesn't matter how long you have dated... you always have to follow these rules...

    IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

    It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #19

    Jun 26, 2006, 08:39 AM
    If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #20

    Jun 26, 2006, 08:40 AM
    Lots to learn here people... just because YOU (anyone) feels one way... the person you're with now... might not feel that way.

    The key here is not SAY how you feel... but show it!! Show it!!

    It takes a lot of time to work things up.

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