Hey, first time posting here. I'll try to keep it short, but it won't be.

Me and my Ex got togther on a sex chat. We had no intensions of falling in love, but it happened. We spoke to each other obessivly, to the point where she lost her job. During this time we lied to each other about quite a few things. She was a single mom, and she didn't lie about that, nor did we lie about many big things. I lied that I had a job. I just failed out of colleage, which I was chasing my dream. We made plans to meet, and those went from 2 months to 2 weeks, and we made plans to live together, which went from 3 months to a month. Needless to say it was very unhealthy.

As unhealthy is, unhealthy gets more. We ended up sacraficing a lot to be together. I had a good relastionship with her son at first. We stayed at her cousins place till we could find a place of her own. During the next year, things got worse. I wasn't working, and she was. She resented me for that. I've never really worked a day in my life. It's been a big problem, and the reacuring problem in the relastionshp. After a year in a half she broke up the first time. She was using drugs. After a week, and before I left, I helped her get sober and we patched up our relastionship. We continued to talk like before, 6-10 hour conversations. We poured ourselves into each other. I left, and we already made plans to move back in together. I had a job, online, from a friend. Which lasted for about a year. During this time we had problems, but for the most part, things where OK. She disagree's and says there where problems back then. Part of it was I started playing world of warcraft and got really distant from her. I'm an addict, so I played non stop. I eventually lost my job, and we where struggling for 6 months to survive. At that time I bought a ring, because she wanted to get engaged. We got engaged, but things still where unhealthy and got bad. This was pretty much due to all the problems we had. I did contract work for a while and tried to make money on the internet, but that didn't work out well. Her biggest, constant complaint was that I didn't have a life and never left thehouse. We got in many fights, and lots of bad things. However we also had many good times together, where we where happy. All of these where when we where out of the house. She said often that she resented me for not having a job, and for her working 60 hours a week, and me, spending all the time with her son. At the time I didn't really listen. During christmas we said if we fight again we are over. We also tend to go through a lot of stages saying we are over and breaking up when we don't mean it. We are to very very stuborn people, and when we fight we don't play fair.

About 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me. This was a defenite. I delayed leaving for 1 week, and in that time we sort of patched things up. The plan was for me to go fix me, and she would be there for me. After that I left, and she cried when I left and told me she still loves me very much. When I got my phone we talked a while and everything was fine. She moved, in which she had planned to do before I left. I knew about it as well. During this time I called her a lot. Some times 5-10 times an hour. It turns out she was really busy, and not ignoring me. About 2 days ago, 2 days after my birthday she told me that we are broken up for good. I begged and pleaded but she didn't budge. Her reasons was that she was happy right now without me and her son is happy without me. She still wants to talk on the phone, and remain friends. At this point we are both in agreement that there is no way we, as the people we are right now could ever have a healthy relastionship. I asked her if we would ever be together again. She said she can't thing about that now, also that it's a possability, but not right now, and also that when the time comes she will keep an open mind.

Given the context of our extreamly unhealthy relastion, I know we need to work on ourselves as ourselves. And not for each other. I've had nightmares that she found someone else, and my friends are great at instilling doubt, which never turns out to be true. Deep down in my soul, I know this is meant to be, and I know she does as well. I also know that she has no faith in us right now. I've don't understand why she broke it off for good, and not just for now. I also don't understand why she wants to remain friends and still talk. She's not the type to find someone else as she wasn't looking for me when she found me. I want to believe that if I work on myself for me, and we talk on the phone, that if it's really meant to be, that we will have a chance to start as friends, and let it evolve to a health relastionship. For us, it was one big problem that effected all aspects of our life. Me having a job and getting out of the house. I believe I can over come that.

I believe heavily in something I read in recovery. When 2 people work on there selfs and get to the point where they have something to bring to the relastionship, that they will be together and happy. If they meet before it would be a disaster.

I've pretty much lost everything at this point. My hope is that in time, if its meant to work it will. I also know that I can't plan on it working. With the amount of us going back and forth, I'm wondering if this is the end or not. I really can't tell. I also can't make much sense over this. Did she do the final break up, because friends told her to, or because I called too much, because its early on and she hasn't missed me, and is focused on the resentments. Is it because she wants to focus on herself and her son and not worry about us. She said the last one, but I get confused and I'm not sure really what to believe. She's being honest with me, though I feel she's also being only as honest as she can be. Like that she's being stuborn, and looking at one particular thing at the moment.

Anyway, those are my questions, and comments are appreciated. Mainly I want hope, I probably won't get any, but I want to believe that things will be OK in the future, and that if and when I have something to bring to the table that there may be a chance. Mainly because I want to be able to put this aside for right now and work on me.

Then do so and try to be healthy

This relationship is a tsunami. Your life needs to start over. Focus on school and nothing but school until you are done. Then focus on a job. This is a turning point in your life. The easy way is to focus on this relationship and your sorrow. The tough way (man's way) is to go forward towards a life that you'll be happy to be living. The tough way will bring the most reward. The easy way will bring you sorrow that makes this relationship look good. Good luck Shade. You can do it.