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    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #1

    Sep 16, 2006, 03:56 AM
    Partner visiting massage parlors
    I have just found out that my parter has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. This has totally shattered me as I never thought for one second that he was capable of this sort of behaviour. When I confronted him he denied it but I have the proof. He has confessed to me that up until a couple of years ago he had an addiction to these 'massages' for which he saw a therapist but swears that he is not doing it again. I have the proof that he has, including records of his phone calls to these girls. I consider what he is doing to be cheating even though he is not having actual sexual intercourse with them. I am a mess and don't know what to do. He made me believe that he had the same ideals about sharing your body with others as I do. I really don't have anyone to talk to and I feel dirty and also afraid that I have a disease. Has anyone been through a similar experience. I don't know whether to leave or not. Our relationship was great and he says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I love him so much and I am devastated. I feel like my life has been taken from me. He said he will go to counseling but that I'm not allowed to raise the fact that he had a past addiction to these girls. He has told me that it's my problem that I don't trust him.
    RickJ's Avatar
    RickJ Posts: 7,762, Reputation: 864
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    #2

    Sep 16, 2006, 05:55 AM
    This is fully a relationship issue, not a sexuality issue. There are many here who give excellent relationship advice - and even advice regarding addictions, however I strongly believe that the two of you together counceling with a professional is what you should seek. I'll move this to Relationships where I think it will get more views.
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #3

    Sep 16, 2006, 06:04 AM
    Thank you rickj for responding to me. I have been hoping someone would respond. I haven't slept for 3 days now and I keep vomiting and imagining it all and what he has done. I don't know what to do. I am really stuffed up now
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Sep 16, 2006, 06:18 AM
    Your partner needs help in a big way, but if he has an addiction then he must decide that he needs help and it doesn't sound as if he has hit bottom. You could seek help yourself and ask if he will come, but don't hold high hopes for it. If he does not want help with his problem then you must do whatever you have to to protect yourself from his problem. If its possible some time away from him so that he can THINK about his options may be in order and it may sound drastic but is very necessary for you to organise your thoughts and let him know you will not stand idly by and allow this behavior. If you must get checked by a doctor do so, but if all he does is masturbate, no sex then passing a STD is almost nil ( NEVER believe an addicted person)but do it for your own peace of mind. It is hard to live and deal with an addict so put YOURSELF first and take no excuses, just positive action on his part. I also wonder if you two ever talk to each other and if their may be a communication break-down somewhere. Counselling for you both would be the ideal solution. Good Luck
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #5

    Sep 16, 2006, 06:33 AM
    I have said to him that we need to get some help together. It's been four days since I found out and, at first he said (and even booked) a lie dector test (that was his idea not mine) and counselling but yesterday he said that he won't do any of those things because he shouldn't have to prove himself to me. He said he will go to counselling as long as I don't talk about his past 'addiction' to these girls but that I have to move out of the house for him to even go to counselling. He has become very angry. He is not violent and is still good to me
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Sep 16, 2006, 08:00 AM
    Ok, when you go to counseling you have to talk about everything, from what you think of your parents to everything you have done.

    And of course his past cheatings has to be discussed in counseling.

    So I would tell him either he goes to counseling or you two do a temporary separation, don't allow him to back out of it. And besides marriage counseling, he also needs private counseling to work on his aditition problem.

    This is my opinion anyway
    SINGLE4's Avatar
    SINGLE4 Posts: 189, Reputation: 33
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    #7

    Sep 16, 2006, 08:02 AM
    Hi goldnugget!

    I feel for you! I would be totally devastated too!

    Sounds to me as though he thinks you are the one with problems... not him! And... HE DOES NEED TO PROVE HIMSELF TO YOU! It is a form of cheating! Sounds as though he has NO respect for you or your feelings! The TRUST issue is because of him and not you! I don't understand some people when they so something SO STUPID and turn it around on their partner! You are not to blame here! He has a lot of changing to do and I you DO need to move out! He has to be willing to change in order for the relationship to work! If and/or when you go to counseling... his past "addition" does need to be brought up! That is the whole reason that there are problems in the relationship!

    You know what he did is wrong but it doesn't sound like he completely COMPREHENDS this! This man appauls me!

    Good Luck and stay strong! Keep telling yourself that you deserve better than this because... YOU DO!!
    mysticque's Avatar
    mysticque Posts: 95, Reputation: -7
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    #8

    Sep 16, 2006, 08:24 AM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    I finally agree with you this time :), good points
    mysticque's Avatar
    mysticque Posts: 95, Reputation: -7
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    #9

    Sep 16, 2006, 08:57 AM
    There are many types of addiction out there. Some are repairable and some aren't. The only times its not repairable is when your body is completely dependent to the substance like drugs, marijuana, alcohol, smoking and other things but it's not always the case. Your whole system can't function without any of these substances/chemicals associated with. If you do intend to stop the addiction usually it will be a gradual process, time consuming, replacement of a new drug or similar non-destructive substance, patience, and with a positive outlook. I've had a couple addictions in the past. And I never went for a therapist because I wasn't dangerous with myself or anyone else for that matter. Your partner could be unmotivated, unhappy, or unsatisfied with your sexual activity/practices. Some women out there bear such talents and skills how to fulfill a man's maximum satisfaction. If he has already attained that level in the past it will be up to you to challenge that action. I know it will be hard to trust someone with such malevolent addiction/actions but you can work it out without even going to a therapist. If you both believe it is necessary then do it. If he's not inclined to do so don't push him or that will even disturb the whole situation. The responsibility is mostly his part. He needs to stop doing this or else he will not be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone in the future. If you do want to support him then do what's best for both of you. Motivate him; fulfill what's his greatest desire. I don't think it's dirty if you want to make him happy sexually regardless if the action seems naughty.
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #10

    Sep 16, 2006, 09:06 AM
    He is trying to make you feel it is your fault. He is mad because you caught him in a lie and he can't talk himself out of it. That is common with addictive personalities. It is not your fault, he has the problem and he has to talk about it to overcome it. Asking you not to bring it up at counseling defeats the purpose of going to counseling.

    I am so sorry for you, I know a guy that frequents those places and I do not believe his wife knows. I was amazed when I found out because he is such a nice person. If he does not go to counseling, possibly you can to help you make some decisions. Good luck.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #11

    Sep 16, 2006, 03:29 PM
    Well, I think you need to end the relationship. I agree that he needs help and even if he gets it he's already done something that you consider cheating. To me if my partner even kisses someone that's cheating so this crosses that line obviously. The very fact that your physically sick and not sleeping is your bodies way of saying "this is painful please make it stop." Just get out before you start down the cycle of pain. Please you'll be happier later when your emotions die down trust me.
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #12

    Sep 17, 2006, 01:59 AM
    Thanks for the advice so far. I am still deciding whether to leave him. I am just so shattered and confused. Does anyone know if diseases like HPV can be contracted through masturbation because my last pap smear tested positive for the virus and in the past my pap smears have always been normal? I would hate to imagine what these girls have on their hands and under their fingernails given the number of men that they 'service' each day. I feel so sick
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Sep 17, 2006, 07:25 AM
    I googled hpv and read up on it, I suggest you do the same. Also does he know about you having this virus? Bringing diseases home is a deal breaker in my book so my advice is to do whatever it takes to protect you and your health. Stop with the imaging or you'll drive yourself crazy, just find you another spot on the earth to set up life, This relationship has no communication nor does it have any caring and he may need more help than you can give.
    CaliforniaOrange's Avatar
    CaliforniaOrange Posts: 36, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Sep 17, 2006, 11:11 AM
    Deep Breaths first of all, you should not torment yourself over this, repeat after me, this isn't your fault!

    I am sorry, on behalf of men, that many of us are such pigs... and I mean that.

    Your boundaries have clearly been crossed, go see your Dr. talk to your family, don't bottle the pain up too much, go get reaquanted with an old friend, and perhaps join a gym (if you haven't already) and work out... this will help clear your head and make sleeping easier.

    Live and learn. Again sorry to hear this, its not terribly uncommon, but that does not make it any LESS wrong!
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #15

    Sep 17, 2006, 11:16 AM
    I have decided to leave him. I feel so sick and he has turned it all onto me. He now tells me that he hopes that one day he can love me again but because I keep questioning him he says he doesn't love me right now. I don't understand how someone can love someone one day and not the next. He has booked a counselling session for tomorrow but again says that I am not allowed to raise his past addiction to getting masturbated by these girls. I made love to him today for the first time since I found out about this and now I feel so sick. I feel disgusted by myself that I love him so much and that I would let him have sex with me, after which he tells me that he doesn't love me after 3 years together. He says it's my fault that he doesn't love me right now. I feel really violated and disgusting. I really need to talk to someone
    CaliforniaOrange's Avatar
    CaliforniaOrange Posts: 36, Reputation: 6
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    #16

    Sep 17, 2006, 12:31 PM
    Well I obviously don't know all the in's and out's of your relationship... you two certainly need some time apart though. Don't over think this, your boundaries were crossed, you feel violated, that feeling is NOT going to go away ANY time soon. You must buy yourself some time to sort through all of this. Stand up for yourself, nobody else will or can stand up for you like you. Be strong.

    Leaving him, at least for a while is a great move I think.
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #17

    Sep 18, 2006, 07:04 AM
    I left him this morning. This is killing me and hurts so much. I love him so much and never would have thought this could happen. There were no signs at all that I wasn't satisfying him and he still says that he was very happy with me, attracted to me etc.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #18

    Sep 18, 2006, 07:10 AM
    He is now suffering for his mistake.
    goldnugget's Avatar
    goldnugget Posts: 99, Reputation: 9
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    #19

    Sep 18, 2006, 07:16 AM
    Sexually transmitted diseases
    I have just found out that my partner has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. Is it possible to get diseases from this? I know the masturbation takes place unprotected and there is no other form of contact. It worries me about what might be on the hands and under the fingernails of these girls who 'service' these disgusting men. My last pap smear one month ago tested positive to hvp virus. I am terrified of what else I may have.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #20

    Sep 18, 2006, 07:32 AM
    To clear your mind, I would suggest you go get another smear test done.

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