I moved in with my ex after being split up for about 3yrs. He cheated on me and I moved out. Needed a place to stay and was only going to stay a short time. Been here about 5mons too long. Old feelings came up and can't deal with him dating other girls. He is back with someone he was on and off with after we broke up. What I don't get is that she dumped him for some other dude and got pregnant by the other person. Then when she lost the baby and split up with the other guy she runs back to my ex and even after he told her to never wanted to talk to her again he is chasing after her now. He spends the night at her place a lot. He even bailed on out dinner plans one day when she called him to come over after she had a break down at work and went home early. That's when he confessed to the whole situation... I was floored. I told him how it bothers me and he doesn't care. I know they had a lot of issues in the past and really feel like she is using him as a rebound. I am moving out this month because the whole situation is hurting me way too much I can't take it. I'm seriously considering cutting off my friendship with him altogether. I've known him for over 8yrs and know I still have very deep feelings for him but after how he drops me anytime another girl comes into the picture I just don't see how keeping him in my life does anything but hurt me. At the same time I am conflicted because I don't want to lose him over this girl if they aren't going to last anyway. Do I forget about him and close the door or leave it open since I hope that one day he would consider giving us a chance again? I don't know why I feel a tremendous need to understand how he could take her back and want to make sure I make the right choice by shutting him out of my life forever :( Help..

It is never easy to close the chapter on a relationship that didn't work out.

You moving in with him after your split with someone else, was probably a bad move, but I understand it was seen as a good option at the time.

That alone, didn't mean anything more than you had a place to stay, until you got back on your feet, and I agree, you have stayed too long.

He is living what sounds like, the single life. He doesn't view the two of you, as a couple, but as friends. His life, choices, lifestyle, etc. was already established, once you moved in, and shouldn't be a surprise now. He owes you nothing in the friendship department, to explain his actions, or to change.

IF you are thinking about a relationship with him again, then do so on neutral turf. You have your place and he has his. Get some distance and new perspective between the two of you. Start from a position of independence.

My advice to you is to make arrangements as soon as you can, to move. From there, have a conversation with him and let him know that you are developing feelings for him, and find out if he is interested in you, or not, in that way. It may come as a complete surprise.

If he is, then consider starting from the beginning. Make dates to see each other, work on a friendship first, and see where it goes.

You being under his roof isn't a plus right now, and doesn't give you any advantage.

We have already talked and he knows I have developed feelings again. He doesn't feel the same at this time. But what started all my confusion was we started doing things together sort of like a couple in between him splitting with the last person he was dating. It brought back my feelings for him. That is why I am considering closing the door on our friendship. Especially because he isn't showing any concern for the way I feel. I doubt my feelings will go away so I don't think I can be just friends. I'll always hope for more. We were together for five years and I lived with him for half that time. I honestly thought we might get married but then it all fell apart when he cheated. What are your thoughts about him getting back with this girl that left him for someone else and that just lost their baby... do you think that was a wise decision on his part?

I can't pretend to be OK around him. I'm afraid to see him today if he comes home after work :( we haven't seen or talked since last Wednesday. Our schedules are different and he was with her on my one day off this weekend. I don't want to make life more miserable here but it hurts to be around him. He doesn't understand. On top of it it is the anniversary of my mom passing and I told him I'm having a hard time dealing with that and our situation. He hadn't once asked me how am I or if I'm OK. It feels like he doesn't care. He says he does but his actions show otherwise.

Chs, I do think it is time to move out, and move on. You are a bright woman to realize that remaining friends with him won't change your feelings. Who is to say that at some point in the future, he may very well mature more, or change, and realize that he missed a very good opportunity with you. But that is not anything that you can predict.

I hope that you really do find your footing and over time, learn to put what once was, in the past. Try not to dwell on possibilities, because that puts your life on hold, and you may miss an opportunity to have another relationship in your life.

As to his decision with the girl who left him, and then getting back with her. That is not a healthy sign in my opinion, but, it is his decision and his alone.

In the meanwhile, while you are rebuilding your life and gaining your independence back again, try to surround yourself with friends and family. I don't think there is anything more powerful when you are going through such a painful time. Keep busy, this time will pass.

And, my condolences on the loss of your mother.

Jake thank you so much for your sound advice. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you for putting things so simply and without judgment. I think I have to close this chapter in my life. He does make it hard though. When I told him I had to move out because of how hard the situation was I was not feeling so desperate and depressed. I wanted us to have a going away dinner (he makes or made me dinner all the time while living here). So last Wednesday we went out to dinner and it just didn't seem special or give me the closure I was looking for. So we got into an argument about everything. I told him if he even cared that I'll be gone out of his life for good... if he even thought to do something special for me as a going away? He said he couldn't imagine his life without me in it but if that's what I needed to do then I should. So today he just sent me a message asking if I'll be home so he can make me my going away dinner and he'd make anything I want :( I'm not sure how to keep my emotions in check. It would be nice if I could be just friends but my feelings are too strong the other way. I'm so afraid I'll pour my heart out like I always do and say too much. I feel so lost and confused and have no idea how to settle the chaos going on inside me. I don't have family and friends near by so that is a big part of my problem. He is the closest person to me so I feel like I'm losing everything. I do have a few friends at work so I guess I'll have to do my best with that. I also got in touch with a counselor I talked to before when we broke up the first time and since it was less than a year from when my mom passed away. I fell into a deep depression during that time. So she knows my history. For some reason though I feel like she judges me and is harsh with the way she puts things in perspective towards me. I just feel like I could fall apart at any moment and that scares me.

He was never good for you. The first time, second, third, etc...

As soon as you become unavailable & remove him. The sooner you will be happy.

He didn't want you, then or now.

"He spends the night at her place a lot."

Not sure why you got back in the first place. Big mistake.

The sooner you get him from your life, the sooner you start the healing process.

To bad you don't love yourself as much as you seem to love him, because then you would be doing what makes you happy, and NOT putting up with his sweet talking crap.

You're both right. I really do feel like it was a big huge mistake :( but I needed a place to stay closer to work and it was supposed to be temporary. For some reason I thought it was going to be OK for me to stay longer and that I could keep my feelings away. But I always want more and I truly am living in the past. It really is torture sometimes being here. I can't wait for the healing to be done once I'm out of here. I'm tired of being sad and wishing things were different. I don't know why I don't love myself as much as I love him :/ How do I detach myself from these pointless feelings though? I've tried to focus on all the bad things or put him out of my mind but it's still always there.

What this is really all about, is consequences, if you look at it in the cold harsh light of day.

And you are not yet facing them.

Yes, it was a mistake to move in with him because it was more convenient being closer to your work. It has become a permanent residence for you, instead of a temporary one. You have over-stayed your welcome in his world, and it is time to move out.

There is no making sense for any of us, when we love someone, and they don't love us back in return. The consequence of trying to make a go of a relationship that is one-sided, is not working out.

To try to reason any of this away, is a consequence of believing that there is something there, you just need to try harder to understand him, or that he will see the light and come around, and it will all work out.

You are trying to figure out and justify the meaning of his behaviour with other women, hoping that he will see the error of his ways, and return to you, and you only. That is a consequence of believing that you can change him into who you want him to be.

You know the hardest consequence for you, is going to be facing the consequences, and getting through them, and out on your own.

None of us get through such situations, where love is one-sided, without a lot of pain. We have all justified our thinking and behaviour, because we think we love someone, and if we wait long enough, or be understanding enough, or supportive enough, things will turn around to the way they were meant to be.

Please seek counselling to help you through this time in your life, so that you learn how to deal with disappointments such as this, understand them, and move on. I realize your first counsellor did not work out- get another one. Not all counsellors are cut from the same cloth. It has to be a good fit.

And be honest. Paint a clear, honest, and accurate situation that you find yourself in now. Try your best to realize that where you are, is not where you should be (as far as still living where you are), even if you don't fully understand why, or believe it entirely.

Trust that the advice you have been given is in your best interests. Any of us here, especiallly the regulars, have given advice that they would give to their own daughters.

Healing will only begin, when you decide that thinking about changes in your life, have to turn into action to change your life.

"He doesn't feel the same at this time"

That's really all you need to know. Once & for all.

Get out of the house & get away from him.

If he doesn't want you, why are you hanging around?

Once you are out, you will see things more clearly. Hes the prob & you hanging on to him.

Stop relying on him.

"he isn't showing any concern for the way I feel"

So why is he even letting you be there? Weird.

Have some self-respect.

Vanheart it is really all I need to know and I'm working through my unrealistic feelings. I do rely too much on him :/ and he let's me stay because I pay rent we are roommates but not much longer. He cares but not enough and not the way I want him to. I just need to make sure to cut ties once I'm moved out. That's been the my problem over the years. For some reason I thought things would change and remaining friends was a good idea. But I realize there really is no point in staying friends if I can't keep my feelings out of the way.

Good, Im glad that now you know he's not a good friend, roommate, or boyfriend.

I am supposed to figure out now why he is so important to me.. That's what will help me let go :/ or so my counselor says. Why do my feelings make me so irrational?

Try writing down all of the good things about him.
Then the bad things.

Then do the same for yourself.

With total honesty. Reality. Study that for a while, add to it.

Why is right. Hanging on to someone & something that continues not to work & causes you pain for too long.

The sooner you remove the notion of being with him, the sooner you will feel better.
Get another dream.

Yes my dream is dying. I'm having a hard time finding a place to move to and this is freaking me out. Last night after apt. hunting all day I came home and we were hanging out. I was drinking and things were fine until I jumped to a conclusion. He admitted he was going to start counseling today and I was surprised and happy. But then I started a huge argument because I thought the only reason he was going was because of this girl. All the same crap we've been going through came up and I pretty much flipped out and so did he. We were both in tears and just going in circles. I left the house and called him telling him I was taking off and he started crying saying to come home and not to be driving the way I was. It was horrible hearing him like that so I came home and he was so upset with me. But he has done the same thing in the past. I apologized to him this morning and I hope he understands how much of a struggle I'm going through. I have no idea what is going to happen when he comes home tonight. If he does. He said he didn't want to be here last night but when I asked if he was coming home tonight this morning he said yes. He looked so sad but I wonder if he's mad at me. We've had these blow ups a few times over the whole time I've been living with him but last night was the worst and I've never seen him so upset crying and stuff before. After last night I know he does care about me even if it isn't in a relationship type way. What should I say or do when he comes home?? Apologize... act like everything is OK.. Is it OK to ask how things went at the counseling?

Its time for one of you to move so you can both heal. Apologize and leave him alone because you both are making each other perfectly miserable.

Drinking is no excuse either. Who needs all this drama, and hearache? Why can't you just go home.

I don't know if I understood everything in this story...

You have an argument with your ex-boyfriend who is dating another girl, you get mad over the old things that happened between you two, then leave the house, call him to tell him you are gone but he starts crying so you go back(? ) - but then he is upset (?? ) even though he has done the same thing in the past, the next day you ask him if he is coming home (?? ) and wonder if you should apologize?

I could say "SERIOUSLY, WHY" to every single part of this story, except maybe the "I left the house" part... and then again it doesn't mean anything since you went back.
Ask yourself the same thing, maybe your answer will be better.

Don't have drunken discussions. Or try to ploy him, with reckless behavior.
He may care but:

At least someone is getting counseling.

Are you listening?

I go back to this:

"He doesn't feel the same at this time"

You may have pressured him with whole thing.

"I moved in with my ex after being split up for about 3yrs."

Bad move. Now you are paying for it.

I never thought about what it would feel like to have to move out. I guess when I thought it was going to be a short stay I thought it would be easy. I'm having lots of mixed emotions. I do have a place and will be completely out by end of next week. We have been getting along fine. I've even been able to put things in perspective with all your help. I try to focus on the fact that we were friends and nothing more and I let my feelings get the best of me. It's going to be hard not to have the comfort of having someone around especially when we are on good terms. I've even thought of leaving things open. He is the closest person to me and I feel like if u met someone we could probably remain friends. Is it a bad idea to try and date or meet another guy so soon after all of this? I do want to move on just not sure how to go about it. I was talking to a guy a while back and made the mistake of being honest about my living situation. I wasn't interested in him like he was me and told him. I just want someone to hang out with. He didn't like that and so we stopped talking. My counselor said it was a bad idea telling him about the ex. So now I'm talking to someone else I met on a dating site. No other way to meet a new guy since my work schedule is so horrible and I'm moving to a new part of town where I don't know people. Bad idea?

Looking for romance to make you think you feel better about yourself is a lousy idea that only leads to more disappointment later.

I have found recovery is best when you stop looking for romance, or a relationship, on line, or off, and put your focus on building a life that you enjoy, with family, and friends, and activities, that make you happy.

When you already have a happy, healthy life, and are happy with yourself, you won't latch so fast on things that appear to look good at first, or be tempted to get carried away by it either.

When you are happy with yourself, you won't DEPEND on someone else to make you happy, and you will have something to share, NOT give away.

Looking for love only keeps you from finding the love that matters more, the love for yourself, and that alone will make you more cautious to make sure the person who wants your heart deserves it, AND knows what to do with it.

Make friends, and enjoy yourself. Focus on YOU, and not be distracted by the need (WANT) to have somebody love you. Love yourself, and enjoy the world you build for yourself. And don't just give it away for a maybe.

That's how you heal, become happy, and move forward.