Nineteen years in a rocky marriage. We split four times and were nearly divorced twice. In January, he added violence to the list. He broke up with me-- kicked me out, actually, after giving me a concussion.

I moved 2,200 miles away from him. In February, I started seeing another man. I had lived for years without love and wanted to know what was out there. I fell hard. Thought it might be rebound, but the man is still wonderful. He has my heart.

Now, my husband wants me back. He is off marijuana for the first time in 19 years. He's been clean for over a month (has never happened before). He has also started counseling for childhood trauma (first time for that, too). He won't give me a divorce and I can't file for a few more months because I have moved to a different state. He says everything was his fault -- that drugs and trauma kept him from recognizing what he had and he is ready to learn how to be a real husband. He won't give up and frankly, he is smothering me (yeah, he came to MY state).

My heart is with someone else.

But I wonder if it is WRONG not to give my husband ANOTHER chance.

I have two teenagers. Both of them like my boyfriend. Both love their dad but are concerned that the changes won't last.

Opinions. None of you know me and obviously don't have know all there is to know, but some of you may have some insight that I can take to heart.

Thanks.

Definitely not wrong for you to not give him another chance.

He is a violent abuser, he always will be.
Someone who was using drugs and had such bad behavior for 19 years can't change overnight.

Stay with the new man in your life, he makes you happy, your kids like him and like you said, he has your heart.

I think that this says it all doesn't it?

I do believe that people can change, and it may be that your husband has. (Good for him.)

But, sometimes people do things too late for us and we must move on. You had 19 years of distress and difficulty. So did your children. Those memories can never be erased. And, he decided to seek help for his abusive behavior only when you separated from him.

You know deep inside you that you've had enough and that you're not available. It's not wrong to want to make a new life for yourself - you were obviously ready to move on from him some time ago. And you have. Do you want to hurt the person that your heart now cares for?

Your husband has a hard lesson to learn about himself. Your unavailability and reluctance to share your heart with him again are the consequences of his actions and he has to live with this.

You can't change 19 years in a month, it doesn't happen. You are happy, found someone who treats you right, why risk it all on a gamble?

Abusers can always change for a short duration, but he isn't changed for the long haul.

You endured 19 years of abuse and manipulation, that is a difficult cycle to break, but you have found your strength, you have ended the cycle, now just seal the deal and close that chapter.

Tell him his chance has past and continue moving forward with your new life. You are on your feet now, don't get back on your knees just to be disrespected again. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve that either.

Convey to him that you do not want him in your life, that although you share children, the relationship between the two of you is completed. If he doesn't take the direction, then start filing restraining orders/orders of protection, to keep him away from you and DO NOT allow him to stalk you or continue his manipulation of you after this.

You are not wrong to respect yourself. He had nineteen years to respect you and his chance is over.

Your husband beat you then kicked you out like it was nothing after he abused you. Then to put the sprinkles on top of the ice cream he is a drug user.

Of course he wants you back because he see you are happy.

There is no such thing he don't want to divorce you. You fight for one and be done with him once and for all. Leave him alone and I am glad you left him and got out alive.

He is miserable and misery loves company.

It would be a very sad thing to escape from misery, and then go back to it. Maybe without you, he will continue to improve himself, and find his own happiness. You have found yours, so why give it up?