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    Asked May 29, 2012, 02:49 AM 15 Answers
    Hi everyone,

    From my previous thread, all that is now sorted so thanks very much for everyone's advice! =D

    But now, need to delve into a whole other issue...

    About 8 months ago, my boyfriend asked me if I knew any free download sites for music, and I suggested Imesh, as I have been a member on there for a few years now. So anyway he downloads it, and about 5 months ago, I was at his house on his laptop, got bored and decided to download some music. I asked him for his password when the login thing came up, he said he couldn't remember it, so I thought nothing of it and just logged into mine.

    After getting a few songs, I searched for him on the community page to add him as a friend, he came up on the search and I said to him 'you've got a friend request when you sort your password out', and he replied 'what? Are you on my profile?' getting all hot under the collar...

    anyway, from his reaction I knew something was up, so when he was busy on the Xbox again, I had a look at the history, to find that he had been looking at half naked (to put it nicely) girls! I decided to do some digging, and also found pictured on his laptop that he had saved from Imesh of topless ladies.

    After this discovery, I went ballistic! Can you blame me? He promised not to go on it again after realizing how hurt I was etc. etc. to cut a long story short, I was on my Imesh in march on my own laptop, and I noticed that he still hadn't accepted me as a friend, but he had changed his profile picture (I couldn't see anything else on his profile as it was privatized) so I thought this was strange and did some more digging.

    After a few attempts, I guessed his password, to find 50 friends, all girls! I confronted him again, but not letting him know I knew his password. He again promised to stop, and when I asked him what he talks about, he said 'nothing much, just general chatting', then I asked him why, he said 'because I get bored'

    Do I believe him? 3 days ago a girl posted on his wall 'oiiii fittaaaaaay' so I looked on her profile, and on one of her status, she wrote 'I'm bored' to which my boyfriend replied 'I'm back :)' back from where? And I also noticed he accepted a friend request 4 weeks ago, which suggests he has been on it AGAIN!

    How do I stop this? Do I just full on confront him? Assume it's all innocent like he says? I've found no evidence that he talks dirty to these girls...

    Thanks again in advance =)

    Last edited by talaniman; May 29, 2012 at 09:25 AM.
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    15 Answers
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,537, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #2

    May 29, 2012, 07:47 AM
    The only problem with snooping is finding what you wanted to find. I am a porn advocate and this isn't porn. This is too much interaction. I have no problems with people looking at topless women, but when this occurs... not so much.

    It is essentially a emotional affair. He is not cheating on you persay, but what he is doing isn't kosher by any stretch of the imagination. Is this harmless? Maybe, depends on if he is planning on meeting any of these women. I take it as a bad sign.

    The other problem is that you've violated his trust. He might be in the wrong, but you've wronged him too. Without trust there is nothing but suspicion. Love will die slow and horribly. You don't trust him. He says one thing and you go looking expecting something different.

    I am expecting this is the keystone of the relationship and now it has been pulled it is going to fall apart. It is just a matter of time.

    So what can you do:
    1). Take his word that it is harmless and ignore it. Ignore that niggling voice in your head that is saying there is something more. Ignore your suspicions.
    2). Take it as a sign that he will be unfaithful, emotionally or physically, and end it.

    I don't mean to be harsh, but there are several red flags and I am not sure it is recoverable at this point.
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    C0bra_M3nace's Avatar
    C0bra_M3nace Posts: 1,296, Reputation: 223
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    #3

    May 29, 2012, 08:06 AM
    Not much to be said here, pornography is one thing, chatting and conversing with other girls in another.

    If he feels the need to have to talk to girls online, the only question I can think of is "Why?". Is he not getting what he needs from you and has to get it from these girls? Now, communication is key, so he's either going to have to find out that you snooped, or you're just going to have to find someone who isn't going to run around and play hide and go seek.
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #4

    May 29, 2012, 08:25 AM
    thanks for your feedback,

    in my defense, snooping from suspicion isn't due to a lack trust, he raised the red flag on his own, I just wanted to know why.

    I don't know for sure if he has been on it since, as he could have requested this girl to be a friend a few months ago but she could have only just accepted it four weeks ago? Maybe, I don't know.

    I'm 100% sure he hasn't cheated physically, as I stay at his house all weekend and he works during the week, and he spends time with his friends on the nights I am not there. They are not a bad influence on him, as they are all in committed relationships.

    Like I said, I have no evidence he is talking dirty to any of these girls, and maybe the last time I talked to him about it, he realised what he had done?

    I am more worried about the cause of this in the first place, and how to avoid it happening again I suppose, but right now it's all a bit raw and not sure what to think. Half of me is listening to the niggling voice in my head, and half is telling me to get over it and believe him.

    I didn't want to cause another argument with him before seeking an unbiased opinion first, which is why I posted here. Any more opinions and advice is welcome, I am taking it all in =)
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    C0bra_M3nace's Avatar
    C0bra_M3nace Posts: 1,296, Reputation: 223
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    #5

    May 29, 2012, 08:32 AM
    Like I said, communication is key, remember that. Talking about it is the only thing you can do, and the only way to find out what the real reason for it is. Try talking to him defensively, using "me" and "I". Try asking questions such as "Why are you talking to them? Am I not satisfying you?" or "Am I not good enough?" Don't accuse him, but use yourself try and make him be honest with you, tell him how it makes you feel. He'll get the picture or he'll continue, and you know what to do if he does, because that's no way to have a relationship.
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #6

    May 29, 2012, 08:43 AM
    Yeah, that's something to think about!

    He seemed in sincere the last time we spoke about it, he thought I would leave him, I didn't, mainly because I love him so much, and I didn't want to end it through something that could be fixed.

    I have asked all those questions before, he responded with answers like 'i get bored when I'm alone on the internet' and 'they don't replace you, they are just there to talk to when I download music'

    Hmmmmm, maybe I am looking for something that isn't there? Like I said, it's all a bit raw at the moment. Am I putting too much thought into this?
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    C0bra_M3nace's Avatar
    C0bra_M3nace Posts: 1,296, Reputation: 223
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    #7

    May 29, 2012, 09:02 AM
    You'll have to find out the rest of it on your own, or leave. If he can't be honest with you about it then he's not worth keeping around, because who knows what else he's being dishonest about. Something about his answers doesn't seem right, I can't see a guy talking to girls because he's bored on the internet or because it gives him something to do while he downloads music. Seems like superficial answers. Again, it's up to you to find out and decide whether he's being truthful, or continuing to hide this selfish habit.
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    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #8

    May 29, 2012, 09:03 AM


    What do you expect? That he's going to change? When he says that he will stop, it sounds more like rubbing you off so that you get off his back.

    I don't know what his reason is for having those pictures or only have girl friends on imesh, but that's not going to change. If anything, he'll probably just do a better job at hiding it. Or he can probably just leave it there anyway because it's not like you're breaking up with him, so why would he need to change?

    I would say that if you can't accept this about him, you're better off finding someone else. There's no way to know if he's going to change and even if he does change, you don't know how much more he's hiding.

    Why not give someone else a chance who isn't going to make you feel so insecure?
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #9

    May 29, 2012, 09:16 AM
    He knows this is his last chance, we have been together two and a half years now, and I think I know him pretty well. He hasn't given me any reason for me not to trust him since March.

    That being said, he also knows me well enough to know when I am being deadly serious, and he knows I have broken up with guys for a lot less. I think that's why he was sincere last time we talked.

    And come to think of it, he uninstalled Imesh ages ago, so maybe it is just those girls accepting friend requests from ages ago?

    Urgh I don't know, except I know I won't finish it, not until he gives me reason to
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 52,738, Reputation: 10805
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    #10

    May 29, 2012, 09:49 AM
    After reading this post, and your last one I see an underlying impulse to fix things quickly that will take years to work through. You are both young and impatient, and DON'T live together, and that has to mean a certain amount of freedom and independence. Room to grow and adjust.

    Sorry snooping is plain wrong, and that has led you to suspicion and suspicious thinking and ties all you interpretations of every event to cheating and concerns of what he does when he isn't with you. There is nothing to fix, but many things to understand and adjust to without the stress of worrying what this means or that.

    Bet he has few healthy outlets for his boredom, but like any young guy exploring and experimenting with his youth, and world, he will learn the right ways and what doesn't work. So will you. So relax and be patient, and try not to fix every little thing, or make everything a big deal.

    Then understanding will come to you both, and you will talk and resolve things together, without snooping or over reacting. Relationships take a long time to develop, so stop being in a hurry. You will miss something you need to know. You alone can fix nothing about him, but together you can define the way the relationship works.

    It's a process, not an event.
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #11

    May 29, 2012, 10:09 AM
    Oh my, taliniman, I think you have actually summed me up in a paragraph!

    I never actually realised this about myself before now!

    Yes, I agree now that in all aspects of my life, if anything goes wrong, I have to 'fix it' before it gets worse, then I get stressed if I can't

    About 6 months into our relationship, he wanted to have a break to see 'what else is out there', and now in a way I understand, even though we have long since moved on from that.

    He has only slept with one other girl apart from me, and I think now he felt he was missing out. I agreed to go on a break, as I myself thought things were moving quickly. Two days later, he said he didn't know why he ever thought about it, he didn't get intimate with anyone else, but he says he realised on a night out what we had together and didn't want to ruin it for the sake of curiosity...

    So now, do you think, this is a different way for him to see 'what's out there', without the guilt of physically cheating? I know he understands now how it hurt me emotionally, and he probably feels like an a** for doing it now, but do you think that is the cause, from an outsiders point of view?
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 52,738, Reputation: 10805
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    #12

    May 29, 2012, 06:55 PM
    I think when you realize that its your own fears, and insecurities driving this whole conflict, you can back off and stop guilting him with your hurt feelings. Relax, this is not a time for fixing, but growing through.

    He is a young guy living by himself(?), and he is bored, when not at work, and is titillated by on line opportunities. I mean it's a cheap thrill that relieves the boredom. Unless he crosses a line of good behavior with it, then its no threat. But if YOU keep snooping, and keep the emotional pressure on him to conform to your fear, it will cause a conflict and resentment, so maybe approach this in a less stressful guiltless way.

    I have to be honest you can't expect him to deal with your fears, and insecurities if YOU cannot deal with them either can you? He cannot expect you to deal with his boredom, unless he can deal with it in better ways.

    but do you think that is the cause, from an outsiders point of view?
    There is no one cause when it comes to youth. It's a whole range of issues to be dealt with. Start with your approach to the situation.
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    May 29, 2012, 11:10 PM
    In answer to your question, we both live at home with our mums while we save for our own place next year.

    So how do I approach this, without making him feeling guilty? I honestly don't know where to begin!
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 52,738, Reputation: 10805
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    #14

    May 30, 2012, 09:58 AM
    It starts with you being in control of your own feelings. That will stop the fear, and a path way to honest communications will present itself. Instead of fixing him, his behavior, or his life style, look to fix YOURSELF.

    A brutally honest self evaluation, of your own thoughts, actions and behavior is where to start, and correct what you don't like. In this way you can make decisions based on FACTS, and not just feelings, especially the ones of fear, and impulse.

    No hurry, so don't panic or press. Be aware that this is not about him, or your relationship. Its entirely about you, and what you do about yourself. This is a challenge for one that has probably always related to others from the view point that they can be fixed.

    Reality is seldom about what others do, but how we deal with them.
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    laurenh1990's Avatar
    laurenh1990 Posts: 36, Reputation: 7
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    #15

    Jun 8, 2012, 02:45 AM
    But surely I haven't done anything worng to compromise our relationship?

    He was the one to talk to these girls in the first place (I still don't know what was said) so shouldn't he be looking at himslef as well to find out why he was talking to them in the first place?

    Maybe this is just me being overly dramatic, but I think we are both in the wrong to some degree
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 52,738, Reputation: 10805
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    #16

    Jun 8, 2012, 07:14 AM
    Not laying blame on you at all, LOL, and even though you want him to fix himself, he won't do it in your time, your way. You must establish communications, and that's the only way to agree on boundaries of good behavior. I mean this is but another glitch/obstacle to overcome, pretty much like the last one right?

    Think back to how that was resolved, and I suspect the same will happen here. How was that issue resolved?
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