The more input the better!

Dated guy from April until September of last year. Casual at first, got more serious in July. I fell in love, he so far hasn't been able to give a consistent yes or no if he did. End of August I had precancerous cells on cervix... expressed to him my fears, from here things pretty much fell apart. We broke up mid-September. He pushed me away and I said the words.
I had my surgery start of October and let him know everything was OK. From here he agrees to 'talk'. Ends up not calling me back when the time comes. I force him to talk and give me some closure. No straight answers, just loving, kissing, etc. I get upset next day, he tells me breakup might not be permanent. I tell him I'd like to be friends but need some time to heal. He calls 2 weeks later. Same story, kissing, loving, etc. I get confused again and get upset. No contact for a month.
I call him over Thanksgiving because I was missing him. We get together. I tell him I miss him. We go out to eat, he talks about marriage with me, his parents always ask about me, etc. I ask if we can be friends and see what happens. He agrees. I call him a few days later and he has decided he is '99%' sure we will never date again. Huh?
I decide we can try to be friends and we go out to eat a week later. He talks about other women with me, etc. I realize this isn't going to work, too fresh. I basically had an emotional meltdown. He doesn't understand and gets irritated with me. We leave on bad terms.
We see each other over Xmas, spend the weekend together. I thought we had a great time. Next day am on my way to shop, pass by adjacent street and surprise, he's got a girl over. I am a mess, don't understand.
I flip out and don't talk until end of January. I ask him how he's doing, if he's dating, etc. He says he's not, he says he's missing me, etc. I find out he is dating someone, same girl from Xmas. I flip out mid February. I do the whole begging, what does she have that I don't thing, am mean, cry, etc. I had been like a time bomb for months over this guy. We don't talk again until Friday.
I have been extremely emotional and upset over this. He made lots of promises to me and I feel like he kept a carrot in front of my nose. He sees it as he cares about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. That is very nice, but if that were true would he have been kissing and affectionate when I was obviously getting more and more confused and upset? He told me that he didn't want me to be alone on Xmas (I was with family). And wanted me to be happy. However, he initiated loving, affection, kissing, when I told him not to do that because it confused me and messed my emotions up. It seems to me that HE didn't want to be alone on Xmas; he said he didn't want to spend Xmas with new girlfriend because he didn't want to get someone a gift when they just met. (He tells me this in January).
So fast forward to now, he calls on Friday, he knows how I feel about him. My feelings haven't gone away because every time they begin to subside I see him or talk to him and they come right back. I feel like I lost a ton of self-respect over this and am now so thoroughly confused with what he had been doing that I have no idea what to believe.

On Friday he tells me we broke up because he started looking at other women; he has a wandering eye. Also, apparently, I made him do things he didn't want to do and he is selfish. He tells me he will get confused about his feelings if he talks to me and dates her. He refers to conversations he and I had over the summer, talks about ex-fiance and his feelings. He likes that I care about him. I ask him if he still has feelings for me, he says he does but that they are now feelings that he wants me to be okay. I tell him I am exhausted from chasing him and he tells me he liked when 'I played hard to get' when we first met; that the chasing hasn't been attractive (no kidding). I never played hard to get, I just didn't know whether I liked him and wanted to continue dating him. He tells me I haven't been laid back lately... (That HAS to be some kind of JOKE). He tells me he'll call me April 1st. (This time frame has been a theme, as he needs 2 weeks to decide to date, be friends, talk, take a break, etc).

Men: please interpret!

Also, I still have very big feelings for this guy. Not sure if after all of this I could trust a thing he says or ever really be secure with how he feels. I have not behaved like a saint, and probably WANTED to believe what he had said; however, I felt I had no reason not to trust him. We didn't fight and I communicated, he wasn't so great at it.

He is non-confrontational, only child, a bit immature (30 years old), and doesn't have much in terms of goals.

Am I missing something here? Please help!

This guy plays you like a yo-yo. End it with him. He'll always have tha twandering eye. Do yourself a favor and find a healthy guy.

"he liked when 'I played hard to get' when we first met;" - game player.

He still maintains he does not play games; he didn't lead me on because we weren't having sex. He's not good at relationships. It sure seems like games to me as well and I have called him on it and he gets angry with me and accuses me of not 'letting it go'. He doesn't understand how what he did was misleading. Am I crazy or is the kissing and affection misleading?
Yes, I have been a yo-yo. I think he gets an ego boost that I'm out here thinking about him. That he's got 2 women who want his affection. For example, when we talked he says he saw me drive by his house a couple of days ago... which I did not. I told him he was mistaken and that I don't care to know what he's doing. He actually seemed DISAPPOINTED. Is that normal??

The shame is that I was very level headed and trusting and rational pre-games. Now I have become the girl who gets irritated when any man checks me out because I think they are all full of it.

Are you missing something here?? YES!! He doesn't CARE about you! End it now, never see or talk to him again and get on with your life. He's a loser and you deserve more. Then you need to figure out why you would value yourself so little that you will let a man (man?? ) walk all over you like this. Vow to only be with people who VALUE you as a person.

Good luck!

Didi

Funny thing is, I value myself very much and feel like a complete fool for allowing this to happen with him. Although I have feelings for him, I really have no interest in staying on this roller coaster and do not plan to speak to him again, for my own good... Only, will that make me hard to get? Ha.

You are doing the right thing he was not the kind of guy you want.

No I doubt that make you hard to get just better than him.

I'd say he likes you, but may also be afraid of something - and am not talking anything about commitment yet.


This may confuse you a bit but, learn to love your guy - at this point, YOU want him to do something, YOU want something in return, YOU want to know what's going on with him, etc. do you get me? To love someone is not to possess that someone - if this is the only way he knows to show his love for you, and he's only but learning to express himself to you in a way "recognizable" to you, then by all means, see.


Most people "invests" on others unconsciously expecting a return of investment - this has no place in love.



Goodluck ;)

I think you missed all the red flags, and put too much into this guy and got nothing in return. Walk away and leave him alone, and give yourself a chance to heal and get healthy. Do not return his calls and do not call him. NO CONTACT, Make him gone from your life.

Barrabas - I understand the whole 'I' want something from him frame of thought but was it fair to keep someone in limbo for months? Does he really like me or is he just being 'nice' or selfish? I've shown him my love. He only wants it when it's on his time frame.

Tal - Trust me, there were more red flags than this and I didn't miss them, I was just too caught up in things to admit to them. I am very cautious with men and only invest if I feel there is potential. He showed me some flags when we began dating but I weighed the + against the - and kept going. And yes, I put way more in this guy than he gave in return.

The problem I'm having is that he kept hinting that there would be more if I just took the pressure off. I didn't pressure him for anything until things became so clouded that I needed to know whether to stay or go. I'd end up staying because of the hints of a future. Still thoroughly confused and reading into everything he said. I feel like I am the one who messed up!

Was thinking of blocking his number... but...

Ok as a guy let me say this guy is a complete you honestly do not need him in your life completely forget about him never contact him again and if he contacts you don't return his calls from everything I read in your post this guy is a he jerk and played you like a yo-yo but mostly he left you during a time where most likely you needed him the most. Trust me when I say he is not worth your time.

You deserve better. Pay more attention to those red flags.

When I read your post, it all seemed too familiar.

Constant mixed messages, non communicative, liar, deceitful, manipulative. It's the same thing I've encountered and wished that no one would have to experience the same. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't trust him... just gave me no reason to after a while and it really broke me down. I found out from several people afterwards that he cheated on me... to which he still denies until this day. I'm not saying that this guy cheated on you... but you'll never know because of how deceitful he is. Even post breakup, he lies to you about dating another girl.

I made the mistake of telling him we should try being friends... but all I got from that is more lies and him telling me he "resents me for breaking up with him and not trying to work on things". He just ended up making me feel worse about myself.

My advice would be to stay far away from this man. Don't answer his calls or anything. As much as it hurts, you can't stand idly by waiting for him to wake up one day and say "I'm all better now, I love you and want to be with you!" You can't be friends with him right now either. You still have feelings and you are going to torture yourself every time you see him or hear from him. It's going to hurt less and less each day, but the sooner you cut him out of your life the better. He seems quite toxic, and the more you stay around him, the worse you'll feel.

Yes...

A decent mature man which, quite frankly he sounds the complete opposite of.

Lose this loser before YOU lose the chance to find someone decent and mature who has goals in life..

He stills denies the mixed messages... it has made me crazy. That has been my biggest issue with this. He made me feel like one of those girls who didn't get it. How was I supposed to get it when he'd kiss and touch and be affectionate with me every time I saw him? When he talked about marriage and spent Xmas with me? Still gave me hope when we spoke on Friday... ridiculous. I still don't know if I should have 'gotten it' or not! Exhausted from this.

Because... sadly he is screwed up somehow. And it seems like he tries to turn things around on you (I was kind of guessing at this because I got the same "you don't get it" attitude). My Ex would ALWAYS try to turn something around on me... he couldn't have a constructive argument if his life depended on it. Every time I would bring something up, he would somehow manage to turn it around and make it look like there was something wrong with me. That's when you start going crazy... you start thinking "well maybe he's right, maybe it is me" and things like that. But in reality he's just playing games and manipulating you. And some people are so messed up and delusional it's not even funny. If he doesn't think he's giving you mixed messages, and you know he really has (and it's pretty clear he has)... chances are he's delusional and really lives in his own world.

These types of people are really hard to deal with because of they lack the ability to face true reality. They develop their own reality that better fits them... so it's almost like they really live in their own world and you cannot understand just what on earth they are talking about.

And this is where this all leads to... mental and emotional exhaustion. You try to analyze and think about everything he said, you play things back in your head... and then you drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to figure him out. There really isn't anything you can do to help him... I know it's sad (b/c I'm going through the same thing) but the only thing you can do is stop contacting each other. In the long run it'll be better for both you and him... but right now it's wearing you down.

[QUOTE=jmooney527]My Ex would ALWAYS try to turn something around on me... he couldn't have a constructive argument if his life depended on it. Every time I would bring something up, he would somehow manage to turn it around and make it look like there was something wrong with me. That's when you start going crazy... you start thinking "well maybe he's right, maybe it is me" and things like that. But in reality he's just playing games and manipulating you.

And this is where this all leads to... mental and emotional exhaustion. You try to analyze and think about everything he said, you play things back in your head... and then you drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to figure him out. [QUOTE]

He was never clear about anything and would avoid talking about any issues. Lots of double talk.

I have played EVERYTHING back... over and over. I try to understand how I could have misinterpreted things he said or ways he acted. I ask him why he said some of the things he said and he would deny he said them or not remember he said them or just laugh. Then later he would reference the same thing! He'd 'remember' things when he and I were communicating normally but when I'd be upset... oops... forgotten. He'd then tell me he didn't want to talk about it because it was making him depressed.

I know I read into things quite a lot with him and probably over-analyzed and I'm sure I misunderstood some things but most of the time I had no idea what he really wanted... even when he told me he didn't want to date me he would make me second guess that as well because he would call me 6 times in a weekend or tell me how attracted he was to me or how great things had been with me.
Still confuses me as of Friday because he made it a point to let me know he ONLY hangs out with his girlfriend 2 days a week... implication: he's not that into her that he wants to spend everyday all day with her, not like it was with me. Why does he even feel the need to tell me this? I don't understand the point of telling me anything at all. I wouldn't even stop to analyze this garbage if things hadn't been so blurred previously. I have no idea what to believe and don't know what he is being honest about... his feelings or lack of feelings for me. Has also waffled back and forth SEVERAL times as to whether he loved me.

Is this his way of not hurting my feelings? Or avoiding conflict? I don't know, I'm a direct person and like things to be clear. I have never dealt with someone like this before.

Trust me... it seems there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever... and deep down you know that.

My ex would always do the same to me.. not want to talk about things because he would get depressed. It's a sign that they want to avoid their own issues, but when it comes time to talk about something being wrong with you, I'm sure he'd jump right on and have at it!

The reason why we over-analyze is because of the level of distrust and confusion they cause, trust me it's not a bad thing to over-analyze.

Seriously, he's playing games... he's trying to make you jealous that he is with someone else. It's part of his crazy mind games that he is playing (I'm getting the same thing from my Ex). He is emotionally disturbed and you will never know how he truly feels because there is a pretty good chance he doesn't know how he feels, that's part of the reason he's sending you mixed signals. I get the whole "I couldn't sleep the other night, I miss lying next to you and hugging you" stuff from him... it confuses the crap out of you, believe me I'm right where you are.

It's really sad, but he's not going to change right now, no matter what you do. If you want, you can read up on emotionally detached people... it gave me some insight on this type of person and it explains there is really nothing you can do... the only way for them to get better is to want to and try to change things themselves. But it's so hard because these types of people are in such denial (delusional). Even if you told him "look you're screwed up and I think you need help", most likely it wouldn't do anything because they've trained themselves not to believe that... very deep down they know there is something wrong with themselves, but they aren't willing to face it.

It's all about self preservation in his eyes... to feel better about himself he has to mess with your head and make you doubt yourself. Don't doubt your own intuition on this... you know something is not right about him. I saw all the red flags at first too, but I was blinded by love (or whatever you want to call it) and I ignored them thinking they would go away... but they don't.

Mooney,

I think you are right... he is emotionally detached. He would tell me he wasn't sure that he loved me or his ex-fiance (who he was with for 4 years) and when he did it was short-lived. He talked about loving someone because you spend a lot of time with them... not because of them.

I'm not sure he really wants to mess with my head, I just don't think he knows what it's like to be on this side of the tracks. I don't think he sees anything wrong with how he acted.

But yes, I think you are right that he really doesn't know what he feels. I think that was the reason for the mixed signals with me. When things were going his way he would be loving and affectionate and when things weren't perfect he would be irritated. I think he wanted to be in love but didn't know how to maintain it. Or didn't have the patience to...

This guy is a player all around and probably suffers from borderline personality disorder. Mixed messages?? People like this tell you things in such a way that they CAN be misconstrued. I know a fellow with BPD and he says "You always only believe what you want to believe." After a lot of thought I realized the pattern. It's the way he tells me things. Does he want to mess with your head? Maybe, and maybe not... but he is NOT capable of doing anything but messing with your head. He doesn't see anything wrong with the way he acts because he feels superior. He probably doesn't know what love is and he is incapable of loving. Don't take any calls from him, don't talk to him, move past him and date others just to help you to move on. Take your time, don't jump into anything until you work through all of this. If it's any consulation, players and people with BPD take pride in 'duping' smart people. It's a challenge. They are the most difficult people to see through because we care. Their emotions aren't put together properly. You did nothing wrong but believe in him. They count on that. There are many decent guys out there, honest.

Didi

Look, what he's telling you and what is true are two different things. You say he can turn around any situation - that's because he is a master manipulator. They have a unique ability to make you take blame when you've done nothing wrong.

My ex told me 'lets take a month out and see how we feel, I'll contact you at the end of May' Like a fool I waited patiently for him to contact me, to want me, to make up his mind how he felt about me. I totally missed the fact that if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have needed time out to find out! Ten years later he was saying the same things!

I can see you love him, and that you're hurting but please stand back and look at this as though you were advising a friend - then run, as fast as you can, for your own sanity.