Hey all,

I've recently (2 months ago) been broken with by my girlfriend of 5 years. We have had everything in this time, including a break up (which I initiated) about a year and a half into the relationship (she was very commitment focused at the time and I was only 21 and not ready). We did get back together after 3 months and have been going strong ever since.

She is 2 years older than me but that has never been an issue in our relationship. We moved in together with two other friends in an apartment she co bought with her mother (she asked me to move in as well so it would be easier to pay the mortgage). I am a very family oriented person so moving out away from home for the first time was a big thing for me, but I was happy to make the transition. This time together was great and lots of fun was had.

We then moved back to our respective homes as we were preparing to move to London together for a year to experience life overseas. I suppose this is when real problems began to surface. I should also mention that I didn't really want to go to London as I was comfortable where I was, but decided to go with her as I believed she was the one.

To cut a long story short, I played a lot of video games throughout our relationship. This wasn't so bad at the start as she played at the beginning as well. However, as the relationship progressed, she played less and less and though I played less as well, I never completely stopped.

In London, we found a one bedroom apartment for ourselves which was great at first, but after a while, the stress of working, saving and finances limiting what we could do caused some stress between us. I went back to gaming and she would sit and read in the bedroom till she fell asleep (she normally sleeps at about 10pm, I get to bed about 11pm to midnight).

Her best friend lives in London and if there are any problems in the relationship, she will always consult her first rather than speak with me about it. However, I didn't get into this too much as she would normally come back eventually and speak with me about it.

She asked me about my gaming and I took some time out to think why I was gaming when I could be spending time with her. I came to realise that I did this mainly because I didn't have anymore alone time at all. We saw each other 24/7 and I had no real friends since coming to London that I could share deep conversations with... no outlet if you will... and got away from it all by talking with my friends online back home in New Zealand (through the game).

Regardless, 6 months prior to coming back to New Zealand, she drops a bomb. She has a great job offer in Australia, and rather than discuss it with me, had consulted her best friend and decided she would take it. She gave me the choice of going to stay with her in Sydney or that was the end of it basically.

We decided to let things flow for the last 6 months and everything was forgotten. We had her mother and father as well as my sister and her friend visit us and we travelled throughout Europe and Singapore in the last 4 weeks (we had an amazing time together including still being intimate throughout. We have always been very close in that way).

She then moved to Australia and I went back to New Zealand. During this time I received many texts saying she loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to speak with me. She even texted me at 2am asking me to hop online so we could chat (similar conversations... I miss you, hope everythings going well etc).

Then a few days after our last chat, she talks to me on skype and says we need to have a big talk when she is next in New Zealand. I said we could talk right then as I wasn't expecting her to say what she did... "I think we should be friends".

I was shocked to say the least as I wasn't expecting it. I also found out that her two best friends had also broken up with their respective boyfriends of 7+ years at the same time. She is the type of person who will hang off her friends every word and as such, I can't help but feel that she has had her decision influenced by their break-ups.

Regardless, I told her the reason why we should stay together and she said she needed some time to think. The next day she calls me again to say that she wants to stick with her decision or being just friends.

Its been two months now and in that time, on my 25th Birthday, she sent me a present and a card and has also responded to my e-mails in regards to thanking her for my birthday present and also in regards to the stuff that at my place she needs to pick up (still here after two months, though she said she would pick it up a month ago when she came back to NZ).

Now she is coming back to New Zealand again for a business trip and has asked me for my mobile number and if she can call me (I asked if we could meet up and she initially declined). Is there a possibility that she never really let go and wishes to try again? Long distance shouldn't really be a problem as Australia is a quick flight away from New Zealand and doesn't cost too much either.

Sorry for the extremely long winded passage, but if you made it this far, thanks for reading. Any of your insight would be greatly apprecaited!

As she declined meeting up and seems to have moved on with her life,I think you put this to rest and start moving on with YOUR life.

I wouldn't try being friends,as I don't think you have healed from the breakup.

No contact is what I suggest, read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice on how to handle a breakup.

Update:
I ended up meeting her for a game of pool. Everything was going fine. No awkward conversations or anything.

We then head out for coffee and she asked me about stuff she could pick up from my place. I told her it wasn't a good idea as my family wasn't exactly ecstatic about our breaking up.

At this point I kind of opened up the floodgates and asked those questions I had been wondering, like how she could turn cold so suddenly (she just said that she was used to talking to me like that... I miss you, lots of love etc).

I told her that after tonight, I didn't think it was a good idea that we see or talk to each other again. If she decides one day to give us a try at settling down, then she should contact me, but if I've moved on that's her loss.

She said that she was sure we would catch up again, but I said I was sure we wouldn't and turned and walked off.

Not my most gentlemanly of moments... but I was pretty hurt by her cold reactions (though in hindsight I kind of expected it!).

Now I feel down in the dumps again after two months of solid progress. Wish I had your advice before I left for the catch up today! Thanks Amicon.

Life throws us tough learning experiences-we've all been there and done that-give yourself time and be patient with yourself and you will get through this.

Pack her stuff up and leave it with a friend where she can collect it,and stay no contact for as long as you feel like it.

Good luck.

Let her pick up her stuff and then NC.
I think this is probably the end of things. Give yourself time to heal.

Why didn't you arrange a way to get her things back to her? I would think your family would be more understanding about her getting her belongings and then out of your life than they would be your going out to see her. Don't make rationalizations for holding on to her things. It only shows that you are still holding on to some part of the relationship.

Let her and her belongings go their own way while you give yourself permission to move on and heal.

My family isn't all together pleased with the way my ex broke up with me and wouldn't really feel comfortable with her coming over at all. I should have explained that I told her to either get her friend over to grab all her stuff or I would drop it off at her dad's place once she's left to go back to Australia (next week) so there was no chance of bumping into her by accident again.

I'm doing my best this morning at work to cope with the realisation its completely over and its definitely not as difficult as it was from the initial breakup. Just hoping to surround myself with friends at this moment. Its so hard being alone again.

Sometimes I think after the break up the "alone again" is what is the hard part. I've been dumped by woman I didn't really like but it was the "alone again" that was the shock for some reason. I understand what you mean and I understand you may have had some momentary excitement thinking about meeting her again, but the sequel is never as good as the first. It can't be, the expectation is so much and you start to make so much of her that you eventually lose touch with reality and yourself. I think you haven't lost touch with yourself but you did get caught up in the moment of last night. It was a couple hours out of your life, and it was actually some positive hours. It gave you an answer, which is what many people never get. Focus on that, and that you got an answer and that may speed up the process to healing.

You're absolutely right Chuff. For me, the loss was more about losing gthe best friend and knowing that you won't be able to find someone (at this point anyway) with whom you can confide in unconditionally. There were no restraint... no rules... you could say and do anything with them.

Now, everyone I turn to will have some sort of guard up and you can never truly be 100% open with them the way you can be in a relationship with someone close.

I must say, I feel pretty terrible for dismissing the ex last night without saying another word other than "I'm sure we won't see each other again", but I suppose its for the best.

Went home and deleted all photos of her from Facebook (already removed her from my friends list the first time we broke up) and any texts/photos/messages she sent have been deleted too. Now its just a matter of staying strong.

I've decided to go back to University to further my career and am working temp jobs in between to keep up the finances. As far as I'm concerned I can't wait for University to start!

I guess I just wished the ex was here as moral support as this is a huge turning point in my life.

But this turning point is coming at a great time in your life. It will provide you focus and it's new and exciting and different. In many respects the break up and last night happened at a really great time in your life. It sort of got that out of the way for what's coming up. I really see some positives from a negative situation, hopefully you can see them and also focus on them.

Thanks Chuff. I do recognise the positives that's for sure. I guess the main thing was that all of this (university, working out, temp work) was planned for some time already whilst I was in London. I was ready for the next stage in my life and my ex was aware of this too.

However... I guess she was tired of waiting and was ready to move on as well (the job offer in Australia is an amazing opportunity).

At the end of the day, I told her that one day, if she decides to look at settling down, to look me and see what stage in my life I am at, but until that day, I don't want to hear from her or speak to her again.

Might be a little tough with so many mutual friends, but I guess university is a place to make new ones as well.

I have to say, it was very tough getting through work today after yesterday evenings meeting. Even now I'm restraining myself from just crying my eyes out.

You'd think that an attractive, 25 year old guy would be more in control of his emotions but love is such a fickle thing.

Thank you for the support emopunk7. Got to keep my mind focused on the future and not the past!

Apologies for turning this into a blog almost, but it feels so much better just venting and knowing that people can read and understand the pain I'm going through.

If anyone is going through something similar at this point, I'd love to hear from you too and how you're dealing with your emotions.

Dude if you have to cry, cry. Don't let her know about it or ever see it. A break up can be like someone dying. You are losing someone forever and life is now going to be different. The unknown is scary and there is no control of the unknown which plays into a break up. The brain will focus and go negative if you let it. That's why I keep saying put your focus on the positives of this situation. Sometimes people get dumped and they are hard to find, but in your case they are jumping out all over the place.

Remember that you can read other people's stories, too, as well as the stickies.

I know crying at work may not seem like a great idea, so you might try redirecting your thoughts to other things when you start really feeling down. At home, let the tears flow if they help. Sometimes, giving yourself permission to cry takes away the need to cry as though holding them back makes the need stronger. Insert dam analogy, I guess.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that might help keep you busy so that you don't feel like you are falling apart?

I think if you embrace your new life, and all the options and opportunities before you, you may be sad now, but later will be to busy to look back so much.

Your not alone, as breaking old attachments, and making new ones can be scary, as well as thrilling.

At the moment, I'm doing my best to keep myself busy at home mainly by working out/watching DVD's etc.

I guess its mainly those times in between when I'm alone that my mind can't help but wander (we all have those alone times no matter how busy we make ourselves right?). I'm trying to remember the bad times that we had in our relationship, but they are few and far between as far as I was concerned. It see,s the Breakee always has trouble finding the bad points...

Regardless, I've started doing research into the course I've applied for in the meantime even though I haven't been accepted yet. I intend to dive headfirst into it once I hear back from the university.

I'm looking at getting back into soccer/football (depending on where you're from!) wich I played a lot of (premier league in New Zealand) but kind of stopped after 3 years into our relationship. I may have just missed the cut off date for joining up though. May have to look at other sports.

Thank you all very much for your responses. It really does mean a lot to me and has helped me immensely. I may be back occasionally to update how I'm getting on so hopefully this story won't get too tired :)

We are here when you need us. :)

Good luck on getting back into sports and even if it is awhile until it starts (hopeful thinking), getting familiar with the material should be a big help in doing well in the course.

Ok, so I ended up caving in to my regret at the way I walked off from my ex at the meeting the other night and sent her an e-mail stating that I didn't mean any offense by not listening to her anymore, but that Iwas not emotionally stable enough at that point to continue the conversation.

I wished her the best for the future and basically left it at that.

I know I shouldn't have broken the NC rule, but I'm the type that can't live with regret (on my end anyways) and had to send it to relieve my guilt.

I definitely don't expect or want a reply, but just knowing that I'd explained myself made me feel better (if only just a little bit). I just can't shake the image out of my head of her standing there as I walked away. God its hard...

I'm trying to stay focused on the positive, but its just so hard when I'm having to wait for them to happen (speaking about university specifically).

I can't believe how much of a difference in emotional stability there is between a breaker and a breakee... Its very humbling to me to say the least...