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No Contact Rule- How does it really work?
Asked Jun 19, 2010, 07:26 PM
Funny... all of these websites state that if you want your ex back, to proceed with this no contact rule. Now all of you guys are saying the opposite. My question is what's really the truth of this rule if you have people telling you different reasons to pursue the concept?
.My point of view is that I'm currently using this technique and its only been like two days. How I obtained this info was from websites stating that if I wanted to get my ex back, then I should engage in this NC rule. Now I'm a bit confused because all of you say that its only to move on and not get back with your ex. Which one is correct?
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Jun 19, 2010, 08:13 PM
To be clear NC, is to help you heal, and make better decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings. Its not used to get an ex back, but to let the emotional dust settle, and give you clarity of thought.
Sure an ex may miss you and wonder where you disappeared too, but does that mean they want you back? Hardly. The issue of getting an ex back, has to many things involved to have a strategy, because who can know what caused the break up? Who can say how they see things, or what they want?
NC takes you beyond the emotions and drama, so you can see BS for what it is, and deal with it in the appropriate manner.
That's what we call true NC, emotional, and spiritual healing. NOT tricks, and traps, and quick fixes, to get an ex back. But true personal growth to deal with reality. At least, that's what this site is about. You want an ex back? Heal first, and then answer that question.
Hope that helps you understand what we are talking about.
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Jun 19, 2010, 08:31 PM
Tal already said it all, but I'll say it again, jut to bring it home.
No Contact is not a tool to get your ex back. Sure, I can see how some people think this will work. For those people NC is a game, a way to make the ex think about them, to get the ex to call, or to ask to be in your life again.
If you're doing NC to get someone back, then you're just setting yourself up for more hurt. Most times, when a breakup happens, it's permanent. Those that do get back together usually end up breaking up again. There's only a very small percent that actually break up, get back together and then stay together. You have a better chance winning the lottery.
NC is for you and you alone. It's to help you move on, to let go of that person, to not have contact and keep torturing yourself by hoping that you can be friends, or rekindle the love.
If you talk to someone then you still have a connection. Every word they say becomes hope that you'll work things out, even if they don't mean to lead you on. Some people are so desperate that even the offer of friendship makes them think that she/he still has a thing for them, and still wants them back.
NC is the best way to heal, to get that person out of your life so that you don't continue to hope for something that isn't going to happen. It's the best way to move forward, to learn to live without that person.
It's not a game. If you want to play games in order to get her back, then you'll be in that percent that either has his heart broken when she says no, or has his heart broken when she leaves the second time.
It's time to accept that it's over, not looking on the internet hoping to find a sure fire way to get her back. Move on, use NC the way it's intended to be used, for you.
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Apr 11, 2011, 11:45 AM
Hey there mskillz81,
I'm not an expert on this particular topic but I can guarantee you that you are not alone asking about the "subtleties" regarding this whole NO CONTACT RULE. But the best advice I can give is: accept that you two are done forever! In this lifetime you two will never ever cuddle on a couch, kiss each-other at an intimate little wine bar in a funky-artistic part of town. The hand holding, the closeness, it's gone and only exists in the memories of your heart now. Whoa! It's so much to be hit with all at once! I know, but don't be bitter about it. You loved somebody intensely and honestly with all of your heart and now they are gone. It's not a bad thing that you two broke up, you learned a lot about yourself and what you need in an intimate relationship.
Think about it, even more importantly, feel this statement with absolute honesty "if you two were really meant to be together...you would be!" Would your soulmate ever say "i really need some time to figure myself out, it's not you, I just can't date anyone right now." The correct answer is NO!! They would not, life can be hard! Sometimes it can even be overwhelming, but those who truly love you stick with you. Think about it, would your mom or dad ever say "I just got laid off from my job and i think we need some time apart so i can figure myself out and if we should be in a parent child relationship."
I'm beginning my NO CONTACT period with my ex-girlfriend today, I have her number memorized so it really doesn't do me any good to erase her contact from my cellphone. Instead I changed her contact to: IGNORE ME!! I Don't WANT TO BE WITH YOU!! Childish, ha! I am well aware of that! But I blocked her number and Facebook in a previous attempt to go NO CONTACT. However, I only went for about two days before I got a text from her saying "I tried to call you to see how you are doing" and then later "Oh, I see how it is you blocked me on facebook and your cellphone" Guess what, on the sprint network you can block calls from an incoming number, but not texts. Long story short, I kept in contact with her until yesterday in the hope that we could work things out, I even confessed to kissing another girl when we were together and that I could put all of my secrets out in the open and she could really decide if she wants to be with me.
The relationship is over, you have to move on! That means absolutely no contact of ANY kind! What harm would answering one little text cause you? INTENSE EMOTIONAL HARM! That's absolutely what it would cause you. Your ex is bored or lonely and their friends are being flaky. They call you! Their parents are arguing about getting a divorce. They call you! They had a bad date with someone and start wistfully pining over how great things were with you, and how great you made them feel. AHHH! They call you! See the trend developing? They are really only interested in the way you make them feel, they don't care that when their number pops up on your phone you think that "OMG, they are calling me! They finally want me back, hooray! I can feel whole again! I can feel loved! All of my loneliness will go away forever!" Nope, they are making an emotional booty call. You are an emotional booty call because you are the only ex of theirs' foolish enough to stay in contact with them and play their games... on their terms. THEY DON'T WANT YOU BACK, IT IS OVER, THEY ARE NOT CONTEMPLATING BEING WITH YOU!
NO CONTACT is not some philosophy to "pursue," it is a technique you use to get over the fantasy of being with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you. NO CONTACT to get back with an ex is something you "pursue," you are pursuing someone who is moving in the opposite direction from you, and fast! If you really want to hear your ex tell you "I'm starting to fall out of love with you," then by all means keep on talking with them and sending them little texts wondering how they are doing. Hell! For that matter send a massive text that turns into 6 long texts professing your undying love for them. I did that, MANY MANY MANY times, none of which were reciprocated. She told me about throwing away a painting I did for her on valentine's day of this year (2011)and how she broke a wine bottle she was using as a vase that we picked up one time. Worst of all she told me about hooking up with some random guy in closet when she was drunk and how his buddies ripped open the door and stared at her naked while laughing.
NO CONTACT will spare you the agony of experiencing what I have just told you, your story might end up more emotionally wrenching than mine depending on how emotionally insecure or angry your ex is. Please learn from this, God knows I am finally starting to move on and realize that we are not "meant to be...someday." I will have to see her at school, possibly in class or in club meetings for our major... so I can guarantee you that I will have to be around the ol' ex. Hopefully you don't share the same circumstance.
NO CONTACT is for you, it isn't for them. They had they're chance with you, and guess what? THEY BLEW IT! You have full permission to move on and let the universe set you up with someone who is willing to work on things with you... especially when things get hard! Because, they will, and someone who truly does love you and has self confidence and a positive self image doesn't need to throw away a loving and supportive intimate relationship just because life gave them a few lemons.
Move on, it is time to heal. You deserve it! And the best time to start is RIGHT NOW, even if you just got off the phone with them (or are reading this as you are talking with them or are in the process of texting them.
These are my interpretations of the NO CONTACT rule, and how I feel about the ex. Feel free to copy and paste all anything you like, I've got my own massive and ever growing "Get over your ex" compendium. Seriously, you have got to love yourself before you can love someone else or be in a healthy relationship with them. Otherwise all the same crap will probably come up and you'll be in the same relationship that you just left or were dumped from. NO CONTACT is a fresh start, it is a chance to examine yourself and all of the amazing, beautiful and loving qualities you possess!
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