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    cduncman19's Avatar
    cduncman19 Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    May 25, 2008, 01:46 PM
    Next steps with my ex
    Hello all...

    So, like many others have lost someone whom I loved. I guess I'll give you the long, drawn out story. So, about 3 months ago my ex and I broke up. She immediately jumped into a relationship with someone, I suggested that we end things between us, but like so many others, was talked into giving her some time to figure things out. For the next 2 and a half months we talked every single day, she came to see me, I went to see her, we were intimate, she told me she loved me, asked me to move down to be with her. On Mother's Day she called me to tell me she loved me very much and last week we talked about seeing each other next weekend, take a day together and just spend time with one another. Now over the course of this time, she constantly told me about how she had no feelings for the guy she was with, she said he was just someone to have so she didn't have to walk into the bar or anywhere else alone, she knew she wasn't going to end up with him, etc... Last week though I hadn't heard from her, we talked and she said she had stayed with her boyfriend both nights over the weekend and had to move on, she wanted to try to fall in love again, etc... All of this even though that same week she had texted me saying how much she missed me and how she had watched p.s. I love you and thought about us and all of that. Of course this was a big shock to me that she suddenly was seeing herself falling in love with someone she was not attracted to and certainly had no feelings for. I did the sad thing, asking her a few times over the last week if she was sure that she wanted this etc... I am just wondering what anyone thinks about someone really doing more than a 180 like this, if anyone has any experience with this. It's pretty tough being told that someone doesn't love you anymore and wants to have a life with someone else, especially after 3 months of having no feelings for this person and leaning on me when she was hurting. I already got rid of everything that she sent me, voicemails, e-mails, so that I can try to move on, cut off contact. I guess I just wonder if there is a reason she is pushing herself toward this guy. We originally broke up because I had to move out of the area and she begged me to move down to be back with her, I was going to move down in a couple weeks but now am trying to see if there is any way I can stay in the Chicago area. We had a great relationship, loved each other, we talked often about a life together and were always respectful and very simply just loved one another, in the way that love should be. The person she is with just took her on a vacation and all that so I'm just kind of wondering if she is pushing me away now because she wants to just go have her adventure or whether anyone has any experience with people really changing their feelings that quickly. She made things clear, and I am going to try to get on with things, start over emotionally and not dwell on it. She said I meant the world to her and that if there was ever a chance for us again that I would have to let her be for now. Anyone have any thoughts?
    confused1145's Avatar
    confused1145 Posts: 176, Reputation: 17
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    #2

    May 25, 2008, 02:31 PM
    She may be pushing herself towards this guy to try to get over you. I have done this several times myself. Maybe you should try to move on as well. There is some reason that she feels the two of you can no longer be together. As hard as it may be, don't continue to wait around. It could only cause you more pain in the end.
    cduncman19's Avatar
    cduncman19 Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    May 25, 2008, 04:39 PM
    Yeah, as much as I would like to wait, I know that things are over. We did our talk about what we used to want, shed a few tears =), but she said she had to try to move on, wanted to try to fall in love again... all the stuff about how she liked someone new. I feel that she couldn't possibly believe the things she is saying to me about wanting him and not having the feelings for me, but there is only one way to find out, that meaning let her go, see if she really wants to be with someone else, and give myself the chance to get what I deserve! =) Does anyone else have any experience with being led along this way? If there was any relationship at all between the two of you later on, how did that go?
    berrysweetncgurl's Avatar
    berrysweetncgurl Posts: 166, Reputation: 19
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    #4

    May 25, 2008, 06:55 PM
    Eeek I just went through an awful breakup like that, we had been together 3 years and had a child together. There are so many loose ends, it was just about 2 weeks ago he was telling me he would do anything to be back with me. Then all of a sudden he is basically living with this new girl (an old friend of mine) and has turned off all feelings for me. I tried to kiss him and he told me he felt nothing when I kissed him.
    I know your heart feels broken and you don't have the answers you need, just take it day by day and remember don't make a person a priority in your life that has made you an option in theirs. Good luck because I don't know the answer, I wish I did to heal this broken heart.
    cduncman19's Avatar
    cduncman19 Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    May 25, 2008, 08:24 PM
    Yeah this really came out of left field, it had been pretty intense for the last 3 months... she would often get upset and talk about how I had "ruined her life" because I hadn't moved down to be with her, and when I would say that I couldn't do it anymore how sad it was that I was giving up, how sad she was all the time. etc... When we had one of our last conversations she talked about how she doesn't know what she would have done without me there for her this last semester of school. I feel really used because she would always call me when she was having a rough day or things weren't going well for her, I would help her get her papers written (helped her get an A on one :)). But now she sees everything working out with this guy? After she had no feelings for him? Can't help but feel really, really used. I mean especially since she is making this decision seemingly just because he was taking her on vacation so of course she wouldn't want to miss that!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #6

    May 26, 2008, 07:31 AM
    It sounds as if you had a long distance relationship, which is extremely difficult for the best couples, and it didn't work out. You may of just found out her true feelings, but I think they have been there for a while, until she was finally ready to make a move. No doubt she had been seeing this other guy in the meantime, and decided it was better to move on from you. Moving on is a great idea, but holding hope for something later, is crazy, and illogical.
    cduncman19's Avatar
    cduncman19 Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    Jun 1, 2008, 04:54 PM
    I have an update and also another question for everyone. The update is that I have been doing pretty well with no contact, and after everything, I feel good about her finally finding something that I hope is making her happy =). The problem is that relocating down to a smaller town where she lives is going to make things complicated for us both I think. We were best friends so it was difficult for both of us to move on, and now we have completely cut contact with one another. Things didn't end badly between us at all, but I am worried about the consequences of her finding out that I have in fact relocated to the same place she is. This was something set in motion before she decided to be with someone else and in my opinion I think she worries about her boyfriend finding out about all of the things she did over the course of the 2 and a half months she led me on. I don't want any drama, and to be honest, she made a huge mistake by treating me the way she did. My friends exist in the same circle as the people she is around and the town is small enough to realize that we are bound to run into one another. I did nothing wrong in our relationship and really don't feel that I should worry about trying to avoid her or change the way I want to live my life, meaning the places I go and the people I see. Just thought I would reach out and see if anyone had any thoughts on said situation! =) thanks!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,214, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Jun 1, 2008, 07:18 PM
    The problem is that relocating down to a smaller town where she lives is going to make things complicated for us both I think.
    So you may bump into her, so what? Mind your own business and stay out of hers and if you see her around, hi and bye. Polite and brief. SIMPLE.
    I am worried about the consequences of her finding out that I have in fact relocated to the same place she is.
    Worry about your own self, and let her worry about herself. Still SIMPLE.
    cduncman19's Avatar
    cduncman19 Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #9

    Jun 12, 2008, 02:14 PM
    I was going through old e-mails and found this today, from my ex, who is now with the guy she talks about in this e-mail and thought that if anything it could be something for people who are hurting to learn from. Don't wait around for anyone, live your life, and your relationship on your terms, otherwise you will always, always regret not doing so. I know I do, to the point it's pretty tough to bear, but if someone wants to be with you, they will, and if they don't, they won't. Words are just that, words, nothing more.

    I understand if you have to start loving someone else, but just so you
    Know, it won't happen to me. This stpuid relationship I have will
    Probably last until I can't handle it anymore and had some fun and
    Moved on. The truth is, when you gave me the week ultimatum and left
    Living with you and being with you as the option I felt two things. I
    Felt excitement and that I really wanted that, and then I started to
    Feel scared. Like I'm giving up my whole life, my friends, my family for
    This and it would just be me and you. And what happens if me and you
    Fight, who do I have to turn to? Or if you go out of town on business,
    Who is going to be there? I'm not scared about it tbeing me and you
    Every second of the day, I love that, and I obviously did everything I
    Could and gave up a lot in the beginning for it to be me and you. It
    Also has bugged me for a long time that you would always say how close
    You were to brookes family, how you basically lived out there and blah
    Blah. When I get married I want that with my family and friends. I know
    They are messed up sometimes, and sometimes I don't like them, but at
    Times I love them and they will always mean the world to me. You don't
    Like them, and I don't blame you, but that is very hard on me. I feel
    Like I can't fully be happy and commit to something if my life isn't
    Fully complete. I want you to be a part of my family and friends, I
    Want my life to be a big circle of people, with you as the most
    Important. Christopher, I know what we feel is real, but is it real to
    Be so upset, is it real and right to give up everything for each other?
    I want to do it so badly, but simply put the case here is my heart and
    Head telling me two different things. My head is saying this shouldn't
    Be this hard, but my heart is wanting to drive up there right now and
    Just lay and spend every second with you. This is why I'm lost, this is
    Why I cry, this is why I say move here. Move here please, help me
    Become un-lost, help me find my way, help me understand that it will be
    Okay. I can't just do that overnight, it takes time, but if you want
    Me, don't you want all of me?
    ajhastings88's Avatar
    ajhastings88 Posts: 60, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Jun 12, 2008, 06:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cduncman19

    i understand if you have to start loving someone else, but just so you
    know, it wont happen to me. this stpuid relationship i have will
    probably last until i can't handle it anymore and had some fun and
    moved on. the truth is, when you gave me the week ultimatum and left
    living with you and being with you as the option i felt two things. i
    felt excitement and that i really wanted that, and then i started to
    feel scared. like im giving up my whole life, my friends, my family for
    this and it would just be me and you. and what happens if me and you
    fight, who do i have to turn to? or if you go out of town on business,
    who is going to be there? im not scared about it jus tbeing me and you
    every second of the day, i love that, and i obviously did everything i
    could and gave up a lot in the beginning for it to be me and you. it
    also has bugged me for a long time that you would always say how close
    you were to brookes family, how you basically lived out there and blah
    blah. when i get married i want that with my family and friends. i know
    they are messed up sometimes, and sometimes i dont like them, but at
    times i love them and they will always mean the world to me. you dont
    like them, and i dont blame you, but that is very hard on me. i feel
    like i can't fully be happy and commit to something if my life isn't
    fully complete. i want you to be a part of my family and friends, i
    want my life to be a big circle of people, with you as the most
    important. christopher, i know what we feel is real, but is it real to
    be so upset, is it real and right to give up everything for each other?
    i want to do it so badly, but simply put the case here is my heart and
    head telling me two different things. my head is saying this shouldn't
    be this hard, but my heart is wanting to drive up there right now and
    just lay and spend every second with you. this is why im lost, this is
    why i cry, this is why i say move here. move here please, help me
    become un-lost, help me find my way, help me understand that it will be
    okay. i can't just do that overnight, it takes time, but if you want
    me, dont you want all of me?
    WOW Bravo.
    f104's Avatar
    f104 Posts: 123, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member
     
    #11

    Jun 12, 2008, 07:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cduncman19
    I was going through old e-mails and found this today, from my ex, who is now with the guy she talks about in this e-mail and thought that if anything it could be something for people who are hurting to learn from. Don't wait around for anyone, live your life, and your relationship on your terms, otherwise you will always, always regret not doing so. I know i do, to the point it's pretty tough to bear, but if someone wants to be with you, they will, and if they don't, they won't. Words are just that, words, nothing more.

    i understand if you have to start loving someone else, but just so you
    know, it wont happen to me. this stpuid relationship i have will
    probably last until i can't handle it anymore and had some fun and
    moved on. the truth is, when you gave me the week ultimatum and left
    living with you and being with you as the option i felt two things. i
    felt excitement and that i really wanted that, and then i started to
    feel scared. like im giving up my whole life, my friends, my family for
    this and it would just be me and you. and what happens if me and you
    fight, who do i have to turn to? or if you go out of town on business,
    who is going to be there? im not scared about it jus tbeing me and you
    every second of the day, i love that, and i obviously did everything i
    could and gave up a lot in the beginning for it to be me and you. it
    also has bugged me for a long time that you would always say how close
    you were to brookes family, how you basically lived out there and blah
    blah. when i get married i want that with my family and friends. i know
    they are messed up sometimes, and sometimes i dont like them, but at
    times i love them and they will always mean the world to me. you dont
    like them, and i dont blame you, but that is very hard on me. i feel
    like i can't fully be happy and commit to something if my life isn't
    fully complete. i want you to be a part of my family and friends, i
    want my life to be a big circle of people, with you as the most
    important. christopher, i know what we feel is real, but is it real to
    be so upset, is it real and right to give up everything for each other?
    i want to do it so badly, but simply put the case here is my heart and
    head telling me two different things. my head is saying this shouldn't
    be this hard, but my heart is wanting to drive up there right now and
    just lay and spend every second with you. this is why im lost, this is
    why i cry, this is why i say move here. move here please, help me
    become un-lost, help me find my way, help me understand that it will be
    okay. i can't just do that overnight, it takes time, but if you want
    me, dont you want all of me?

    Very interesting. I think it helps answer a lot of questions I have of my ex. Thanks so much.
    confused1145's Avatar
    confused1145 Posts: 176, Reputation: 17
    Junior Member
     
    #12

    Jun 13, 2008, 04:00 PM
    I have recently dealt with a similar situation. My ex that I am currently pregnant by continues to change his mind. One day he wants to be with me and then the next day he just wants to be friends. I decided to move on a one time with someone that I felt nothing for but this was only to try and get over him. Moving on with someone else may be the only way that she thinks that she can move on and get over you.

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