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    brownie4747's Avatar
    brownie4747 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 9, 2009, 07:52 AM
    NC, guilt trip, confusion, makes me feel pretty good
    I dated a girl for a year and a half. We lived together for about a year of that, first at her house, then at an apartment, then this past summer at my house with my parents.. ugh. This added a bunch of stress and eventually aided to the downfall of our relationship. She didn't work and I worked and played music every day. So she would sit around in her thoughts and text me and when I didn't text back right away she assumed I didn't love her or something when really I was just at work and very busy. Not a good situation to be in but she was very good about it and did everything I could ever ask for on any level. I kind of took this for granted subconsciously because I would be tired from work and she'd be there to do anything.

    We got into a fight a few days before this huge concert I was playing and I broke up with her in the heat of the argument. This was probably her way out because I called the next morning begging her back and she said no. Then I acted in desperation, she loved me and liked another guy and was torn between the two. I had no idea of any of this at the time because this was all about 2 months ago. She kept me on the side and went out with her friends and still told me she loved me but we kind of both used each other. I also was just starting my semester at college 100 miles away so this made it extremely hard on me. We gave it another shot that lasted a week, then took a week off, and just gave it another shot which seemed GREAT for a week and then over the course of the next week and a half, ended with her not feeling the same and ending it a week ago on 10/2. I wasn't happy the entire 2 weeks either because it just didn't feel 100% right and I was concerned about the longevity of our future. I had brought things up and told her I wanted to talk but she just either lost interest or she just wasn't in the position to put 100% into a relationship and wasn't being upfront with me.

    She first emotionally distanced herself and then we didn't talk Wednesday or Thursday and she was out with girls and guys. I knew what was coming. We talked Friday and she said she needed to talk about us. Her explanation was that she felt bad because she knew I loved her and she loved me but wasn't 100% into a relationship right now and had been using the week to try to find that feeling of love for me she once had and couldn't. I told her that those feelings come with work and you shouldn't be looking for them, and besides not with me around everyday anyway. She said she just feels like she needs time to herself blah blah to re-evaluate her life and being in a relationship just stresses her out now. OK - completely understandable. So I told her I'm always here for her but we're not friends and never will be "just friends." She now agrees, she knows it hurts me too much and knows that we'll never be "just friends." We had just got a new kitten together and we already had one which was a year and half old, leaving them honestly hurts me the most. So clearly I shouldn't have just moved right back in with her like it was because that pushed her away, so I moved all my things out. She took down our album of pictures on myspace but added 2 of them to her personal album and captioned them "my better half."

    After all this pain the last month and a half, this break up was a lot easier than before because regardless of whether she was being 100% completely honest with me, which she seemed sincere and we talked for a good hour or 2, I'm almost numb to it. I still think of her a lot and then SHE calls me Sunday night to tell me she saw my parent's TV ad, making upbeat small talk for 15 minutes we ended the conv. Then SHE myspaced me later that night, I didn't respond, SHE IMed me Monday night just to say hello and we talked briefly and I said I had to run. Then Wednesday she texts me she's at our favorite thai restaurant, I said you better get that soup we had been wanting for a while. Then somehow she got word that I was at a bar down the street from her house where she was having a party. She texted me to ask if I was still there, I said yea. Nothing. The next morning she sent me a picture of pink floyd our favorite group, I waited an hour and said "thats so cool." That was yesterday. So I'm not trying to obsess by any means, but in the last week she's contacted me 4/6 days so far. I'm trying not to look into this because I'm moving on and bettering myself a lot and every time I get a text or something it sets me back a little but it's smaller each time. So she's said nothing about wanting to see me, clearly she misses me, but I'm just giving her that space she wanted and trying to better myself too.

    So sorry for the long post guys, but she's a.) feeling guilt on some level b.) missing the good times we had at least being best friends c.) trying to boost her ego and/or d.) missing me.

    Now, I'm tempted to play the NC game but I don't hate her, she doesn't hate me, and yes I do want a relationship with her again, but I know a bunch of flaws that we would need to work on regardless and I do not want things to go back the way they were. So it's been a week, I honestly didn't plan on making contact until now but she's made contact nearly every day. I don't want to be the shoulder which she hasn't put any emotion on yet. But I don't want to disappear if I'm supposed to be there for her. I planned on moving on which I have been, and seeing how she is in 2-3 weeks and see if she wants to go out for a friendly catch up lunch or something, sort of "make it or break it," but at that point I'll already be set to peace out if need be.

    It feels good when she texts me, because I have the upper-hand. I have the choice to text back or not, and she seems desperate now. So I'm in this situation. She's not calling me over for sex, she's not venting to me about her problems, she seems to be sincere and missing me. I don't want to piss her off if this is her way of wanting to patch something, but, I have a feeling that if she wanted to, it'd be more clear. So I've just been upbeat, but still distant, I'm beginning to like this space. So how should I progress? Thanks,
    Brownie
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #2

    Oct 9, 2009, 08:55 AM
    NC is not a game its for people to heal from a breakup. Please read the stickies at the top of the page. It means no contact whatsoever with the ex-no picking up the phone texting my spacing-nothing. The breakup makeup breakup pattern in your relationship is a big RED FLAG. A relationship should be about true communication and mutual respect for each other. I don't see a lot of that here. It seems on some level s you re thinking about moving on. Do its
    brownie4747's Avatar
    brownie4747 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 9, 2009, 09:31 AM
    I know. I didn't mean to refer to it as a game. And although there is pain, it's not the same as before. I understand though and I'm not making excuses. It just seems that the more I don't contact her, the more she contacts me. Isn't that what I want on some level? She's still holding on to me and if she assumed no contact to try to get over me than so be it, I'm not contacting her, and if she were to take down the pictures. Then she'd be trying to and succeeding in getting me out of her life. But she hasn't done any of this, so I only feel like maybe I should just give her time to get her together, set a time deadline and then make it or break it. Clearly she doesn't want to let go.. I mean I'm not jumping into anything or assuming anything. I think me not contacting her and us not seeing each other has said a lot for me and although yes I could take the final step, maybe I'm hesitant because she was such a close friend. We had the same beliefs and morals about life, that is the biggest thing that we see eye to eye on. The only hope I hold on to, is that she'll realize this after not seeing me and not being around people like that. Of course this is the same hope many hold on to and I'm trying to not set myself up for being hurt that's why I'm not really reading into her texts by being so quick to respond.

    Regardless, I'm not putting my life on pause for her, I'm actually planning on moving about 2000 miles away assuming all this doesn't work out. So I'm waiting no longer than the beginning of November to see if there's any chance of reconciliation of our love. When we were going back and forth on getting together, we never actually took a break. I mean a break from seeing each other. That's why I feel like her not seeing me for at least 2-4 weeks will be enough time for her to give it a more "real" evaluation upon seeing and talking to me again in person.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,172, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Oct 10, 2009, 09:05 AM

    Leave this poor female alone to get a life of her own, or you will be back to the way it was before, you living and her needing you for entertainment, or for something else to do.

    Sorry guy, this game ain't healthy, and won't bear fruit. Just more of the same confusion.
    brownie4747's Avatar
    brownie4747 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 10, 2009, 11:35 AM
    I have left her alone and she's been doing things completely different now. It's hard on me, because she's now severely underweight from doing drugs that her new friends are in to. And as much as I have to let her go and make her own choices, I'm honestly not about to see a young girl barely 18 completely ruin her life which she's already begun to downward spiral. Kids are crazy nowadays, and I mean crazzy, the stuff they're doing is just ridiculous and I'm torn between loving her and caring about her well being, and wanting her in my life. Anyway, I've been moving on with my life and called her yesterday to tell her that I hope she's doing well because I just want her to be happy and that I'm sorry for the way I've acted over the last few weeks I just needed perspective and to get my head on straight and it's made me see that this break-up was for the best. Now tonight we're going out for a friendly dinner and to catch up. I'm not even trying to get her to want me again, I am who I am and if she doesn't want that there's not much I can do. I'm not moppy or depressed so if she sees the happy me that she once fell in love with and realizes then so be it. But my goal is to catch up and what ever happens happens no pressure at all. I understand that if things progressed they'd inevitably end up the way they were, I get that. It makes me not want that after all I've been through, she'd have to be pretty darn serious to be able to compromise her flaws. But I just feel like this last time when we dated for 3 weeks, I put way too much pressure on and moving in with her was a bad choice, so if there's ever another future it's worth maybe once more.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,172, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Oct 10, 2009, 11:47 AM

    Good luck with that "catching up", and the false hope that something has changed. It hasn't, and won't as long as your in the picture. You can't save her, or change her.
    rockie100's Avatar
    rockie100 Posts: 313, Reputation: 64
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    #7

    Oct 10, 2009, 01:00 PM

    Any emotion you get from her will not be her. If she is on drugs, she is confused, and her reactions and thoughts will also be confused. NC might be the way to handle this. She might, at some point understand that its unhealthy to live a life of drugs.
    brownie4747's Avatar
    brownie4747 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Oct 12, 2009, 08:05 AM
    She's doing OK. Brought up a LOT of good past memories, no bad ones. She's not with another guy but she's been hanging out with this old friend of mine. She was with him for a couple weeks a couple months ago and when I asked she said "I don't know, it's not like before." I don't know if it'll progress into much because she was talking a little badly about him and getting pretty frustrated - but in the end of the night I left and she went to go hang out with them anyway. Gave me a pretty long hug and then said I'll talk to you soon 2 days ago. She told me some pretty messed up things he had said about me, this kid was once my best friend of 6 years, obviously not anymore. But he still texts me and acts like we're pals then talks behind my back to her. So I didn't have anything to say, he's insecure and will freak out eventually, but I only really said f*** him when she told me he was the one who broke some of my music gear. I've come to learn that it doesn't matter what they say, it's about what they DO so all these things she said just made me laugh to myself because this is her new "guy" and after a week and a half is already talking so much s*** about him. Back to NC for me but I'll try to keep this updated so I can prove the experts know what their talking about.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #9

    Oct 12, 2009, 12:09 PM
    It is always about what people do as anyone can say something than act completely different.
    If you re going back to NC stick to it.
    You can't as Tal said 'save her'.
    Time to move forward and find your own happiness.

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